Is it unreasonable to not want to flaunt your sexuality in public?

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 08, 2014 9:00 PM GMT
    So, in case anyone hasn't heard...I am actually in a relationship now lol. As of 2 months ago. It's great, but also we tend to end up having mild arguments sometimes. More often than not, it's because he's super extroverted, whereas I'm introverted and tend to mind my business. Beyond that, he's like the perfect partner.

    Take for example, yesterday we had an argument. First was because we went to grocery store. Crowded Sunday afternoon. Now, I live in a suburban, family type neighborhood. And I'm the type of person, when I go to the store I just like to be in and out. I'm not there to make a statement. My BF on the other hand likes to go in and talk loudly, be flamboyant and at times touch me. I can't stand that. And my BF is actually rather masculine looking, and used to be in the military.

    So, afterwards we went to the car, and I told him that he doesn't need to do all that extra in public. Mainly, in an area thats very conservative. He got mad and started saying that I need to be comfortable with my sexuality, and that no one cares about people being gay. I had to explain that's not the case. I don't have to announce to people that I'm gay. He then comes back with "oh people need to see that, otherwise it just perpetuates fear against gays". I just don't agree with that. Even when at his sisters place over the holiday, he was kissing me and his sister says, "hey, don't do that in front of my kid". He brung that up yesterday, and went into comparing gay and straight couples. And how it's okay for straight people to do it but not gay people, and he's mad at his sister for saying that.

    I'm not ashamed about shit, I just need him to understand that we don't need to make a statement every time we go someplace. I think he gets off on the idea of people noticing and looking at us. Even where we live, every time we go outside he has to be loud and let everyone know he's outside. I don't like bringing extra attention to myself. i think there's a time and place for everything. I always say go with the flow of the environment. If it's family oriented, conservative...tone it down. If we're in Palm springs and there's other gay couples all over the place, we can be a bit more open. What do you think?
  • HottJoe

    Posts: 21366

    Dec 08, 2014 9:49 PM GMT
    If you love him then you should just let him be himself. Otherwise it sounds more like you care about the opinions of strangers than him.
  • Destinharbor

    Posts: 4433

    Dec 08, 2014 10:03 PM GMT
    Ya gotta figure out some way to let him be him but at the same time hold onto your feelings on the subject. I've actually got something like that with my guy who wants to sneak a kiss or a grope in the gym locker room or a parking lot, an elevator, etc. I just try to minimize the chance of discovery and sometimes tell him in a nice way to cut it out. And sometimes I reciprocate so he doesn't feel rejected. Just talk it through but don't make a Federal case about it. Keep your comments to the moment, not generalized into a big philosophy. There are worse things than wanting to show the world who you care for.
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    Dec 08, 2014 11:40 PM GMT
    i think his sister was out of line. Let the boys kiss, the children could care less till she opened her homophobic mouth.

    if find loud people obnoxious dont you? Than again not my bf.
    we go together to say homeDepot and generally there is no doubt we are a couple. At a retail store i dont anticipate a critical beat down so getting nailed to a cross is not going to happen.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 08, 2014 11:42 PM GMT
    HottJoe saidIf you love him then you should just let him be himself. Otherwise it sounds more like you care about the opinions of strangers than him.


    Yes, and from all my studies and books on relationships, I know you just gotta let a man be himself. But again, it's not about opinions of strangers though.

    My thing too is, I'm just very considerate of my surroundings. And maybe it's just me, but I get embarrassed very easily. Liked if someone in public is acting a fool near me, or being loud and ghetto, I get embarrassed, even if I don't know the person lol. Like last night, some guy got dragged out the bar, starting throwing chairs, security beat him up, I got embarrassed but less so cause I was already buzzed lol
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    Dec 08, 2014 11:46 PM GMT
    pellaz saidi think his sister was out of line. Let the boys kiss, the children could care less till she opened her homophobic mouth.


    I disagree though. I don't think it was homophobic. You have a 5 year old kid, I don't think they should be allowed to see 2 people of any gender besides their parents kissing and tonguing, anymore than they shouldn't be able to see PG-13 rated movies on tv. Hell, I didn't even wanna kiss him in front of his sister because that's his family. They don't need to be seeing or imagining anything about what we doing in private times. I take stuff like that very personal. I would be dammed to kiss another man in front of my brother, and I wouldn't want to see him do that around me either.

    It would be like my uncle coming into my parents house when I was a kid, and kissing his girlfriend in front of us. That would never go down. It's no need for all that extra. I can love and respect my man without using PDA to prove it. And that's what I'm trying to let him know. It's sweet around the house that he wants to kiss me a million times a day, but in public I don't like to do all that.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 09, 2014 12:07 AM GMT
    you make it sound like you guys were making out for 20 minutes in front of your sister.

    i am the more masculine one. I wear more jewelry and dress more fag. Well because I can.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 09, 2014 3:33 AM GMT
    pellaz saidyou make it sound like you guys were making out for 20 minutes in front of your sister.

    i am the more masculine one. I wear more jewelry and dress more fag. Well because I can.


    Lol, it wasn't me..it was her who said it lol. You're missing the point. Plus, calling her homophobic when all she said was tone it down around Her son isn't homophobic. If she was homophobic, shouldn't wouldn't of invited her brother and his gay boyfriend to her home to begin with and let us sleep over for 2 nights.

    That's why Im telling him,, don't be mad at her. Don't even bring it up. It shouldn't even be a topic of conversation. You can't fucking dictate to a mother in her own home what she should accept in terms of PDA even e smallest form of it.

    If it were me, and someone said that to me, I'd be like mother fucker get a room next time then. See, I'd been of got ghetto and/or Cuban real quick lol.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 09, 2014 7:08 AM GMT
    I am definitely on your side 110%! I am the exact same way. I am highly introvert, and I do not think that it is necessary to act all "loud" like he is being. It is a huge turn-off for me. I think he is a little over the top. I know that there are a lot of people that disagree, but they don't know what he is doing in public. They shouldn't be quick to chomp on you on that, and the sister situation. If his sister said don't do it, then it's their house and you are the guest than don't do it. Its just show respect to abide by this. People are so quick to judge the sister...but in reality it is her kid. He may be just really really OVER THE TOP! This isn't only being that both of you guys are a gay couple, because I've seen some OVER THE TOP heterosexual couples too! Yelling :"Pookey-Bear? Where are you Pookey", french kissing in the frozen foods, or my favorite "Now, after I get the pudding the kids like, we are going to get the ointment for the rash on your back! Rash-on-ya-back! Rash-on-ya-back!"... Okay, some people may say: "if you love him who cares what people think?", or "be proud of who you are!", but people please, you might as well write the word "gay" on your forehead, dye your hair rainbow with purple polka-dots, and run around in Chanel, for crying out loud! People do "dis" the gay community, so? Is it going to stop? No. But are we going to shove it in people's face? For what? Introverted people keep it all "IN"-side.I do not like holding hands in public, making out in public, and even giving a "piggyback ride" in public. If I were straight, it would make no difference anyway, that is just me. That's who I am. That's who you are, so tell him to build a bridge and get over it! It seems like he doesn't know much about you. If this is months into the relationship, and he doesn't know what you like or dislike, then y'all got issues! "Check-Please~"

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  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 09, 2014 3:36 PM GMT
    Is it unreasonable to not want to flaunt your sexuality in public? For you, no it isn't unreasonable. For him, yes it is unreasonable.

    You guys aren't a match. Do him and yourself a favor and part amicably now while it is possible.
  • Bowyn_Aerrow

    Posts: 357

    Dec 09, 2014 3:40 PM GMT
    You both have the right points and wrong points, but trying to figure out whose points are going to apply here is going to be a pretty major power struggle.

    I can see and understand both sides of this argument. The key here is his sisters reaction to two men kissing. Mainly her own brother kissing another man. That tells you right there that he is going to be fighting harder against the set biases in order to force acceptance on his family at the very least.

    The issue here is that this is his personality, and I fear that any lover we get and we start saying "I love him for everything he is but....." well that doesn't end well.

    Compromise is needed. You to need to sit down and strive to find a middle ground here. Meet in the middle, you give up something, he gives up something. You cannot force him to be like you and he cannot force you to be like him. It will not end well if you try.
  • drypin

    Posts: 1798

    Dec 09, 2014 4:31 PM GMT
    FuzzyPecs27,
    If you're here seeking justification for your position or his position, the two of you aren't going to work it out. You understand what he wants. You do not want to go along. He understands what you want. He does not want to go along. Both of you are right.
    If you can't imagine ever changing so much that you'd be comfortable with very PDAs, why should you imagine he'd ever change so much he'd be happy with denying his own nature?
    It sucks when the chemistry is so good otherwise, but there it is.
    Follow UndercoverMan's advice and best of luck to you.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 09, 2014 4:45 PM GMT
    to the OP
    as you get older (me) people loose some inhibitions re claim self confidence. in the end its just a flick of a switch that makes you change. Do your self a fav and ...

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 09, 2014 9:39 PM GMT
    Not that we need to compare, because they're not really equal circumstances, but I dislike it strongly when straight couples demonstrate PDA.

    Hand-holding, OK, when they're really young or really old. Somewhere in between it looks a bit like compensation for something. Like infidelity. Been married for five years, still holding hands at the grocery store? Sorry, something's wrong.

    I don't have a moral objection. Are they holding hands because of their makeup sex? That I don't care about. No, it's that it's on display; it's the opposite of intimate. It's them telling ME that they're really into each other.

    When I'm at home, I'm head-rubbing, neck-kissing, grope-holding, ass-clinging. Because it's sexy and intimate. In public, WTF? Why does the public need to know how I convey love & intimacy? None of their fucking business.

    Is it obvious I'm gay, with my husband? Jesus, if you can't tell from the fact that we're arguing over fat-free or regular cottage cheese, you're an idiot. But why do I need to show the public this is my man? Unless I'm compensating for something. I'd bet a dollar each time I see PDA that something darker is up; I'm certain I'd make a good living on those bets.
  • davfit

    Posts: 309

    Dec 09, 2014 9:59 PM GMT
    you are right.. he needs to cool it.. but you don't have to get so mad it causes friction.. relax about it.. if he really cares about your feelings.. he'll tone it down..hopefully
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 09, 2014 11:13 PM GMT
    Well considering that you are even scared to post your own face pic on here, a gay website, tells me that it's probably you that needs to fix things not him.
  • waccamatt

    Posts: 1918

    Dec 10, 2014 2:51 AM GMT
    Ckfeezy saidWell considering that you are even scared to post your own face pic on here, a gay website, tells me that it's probably you that needs to fix things not him.


    I agree; by not showing your face on here, I tend to side with your boyfriend.
  • Buddha

    Posts: 1765

    Dec 10, 2014 4:44 AM GMT
    So sick of people and their values/morals/ethics. Let people do what makes them happy, I can't care less what people think. If the choice is between making other people unhappy or myself unhappy, the choice is simple for me. I know I come off as an annoying teenager, but it's seriously true: you live on this frozen fireball (to quote Julian) once and then you vanish into oblivion, so do it for yourself instead of doing it for society's norms.

    I really like my friends who are a bit flamboyant. When I was younger it used to bother and embarass me, but now I just appreciate that some people just are who they are. You go Glenn Cocos.
  • nehpets987

    Posts: 19

    Dec 13, 2014 12:38 PM GMT
    I feel the same as you. There's a video that kind of deals with this. Here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WXayhUzWnl0