How can this relationship be saved?

  • royndg

    Posts: 2

    Dec 08, 2014 11:14 PM GMT
    Hey there,

    I am an 18 year old male and I've been dating my 22 year old boyfriend for several months now.
    Things went great for the first two months, we started to like each other a lot and were really happy together.
    However, this past month was alarmingly difficult for both of us.
    I should mention that our relationship is long distance. We live two hours apart and I only get to see him several times a month.

    Aside from the distance, one of the major causes that immobilize this relationship from moving forward is the fact that he hasn't come out to most of the people in his life yet, unlike me. He's scared of how they'll react and I understand that. I used to be in his shoes. It's just difficult, because he still lives with his parents and I only get to see him when they're not around.

    Additionally, he's become increasingly busy with work. I addressed my concerns, that he should prioritize me more, because I felt devalued sometimes. That was not the case though.
    He really likes me and often says I bring meaning to his life, but he's just really busy trying to establish his career.
    Sometimes I feel like it's hard for him to simultaneously focus on work and a relationship. Something he can't seem to handle quite well.
    I should also mention that I'm his first, so everything is especially more difficult for him.

    About a week ago, we got in this argument. I tend to address my concerns and I'm often in the wrong. It's just my mind over thinking scenarios that may never be, and I hate it. I can be moody easily and I need to learn to control it better, because I know it can push people away.
    Anyways, this argument took a hard hit. In the argument it came across as if I was making him choose between work and me and that he can only focus on one, but those weren't my intentions. It was a misunderstanding.
    Ever since that argument, things haven't been the same. We talked on the phone later that night of the argument for 3 hours and things seemed fine then, but they still aren't.
    I just saw him in person a few days ago and his behavior was different.

    Currently, I do not know what do to. I'm scared things will come to an end between us and so is he. It would be a shame, we understand each other and even made plans for the future of potentially moving in together, which may seem early at this stage in a relationship, but our feelings for each other are strong. I've talked to him about what should happen and what he feels several times, and he says he sometimes has doubts, that he's confused, doesn't know what to feel or do. Making it clear to me that he really can't handle a relationship right now, but he still said he cares a lot for me and doesn't want me to leave. He also won't open up very well. He never has his entire life, according to friends, but I'm confident and hope that he will in time.
    I just need to know where this is heading. It eats me up inside, because things aren't the way they used to be. I told myself time could heal this, but I may be wrong.

    I don't want this relationship to end, because I know there's still something worth fighting for here. I love this guy, he treats me right. What do I do? Does he need more space and more alone time?
    I'm afraid a break will ultimately end things between us. icon_cry.gif

    Any advice is greatly appreciated, thanks.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 09, 2014 12:05 AM GMT
    It sounds to me like the only thing that was holding this relationship together was his ability to hold you at arms length. You want more from him than he is prepared to give right now. If you didn't the distance between you, it probably would have been over long ago. You deserve to be treated well and made a priority. He probably needs to date more to really be comfortable with himself and understand how relationships work. Unfortunately, you are his first relationship. It's difficult to believe that you would be his last, too. Find someone that is prepared to make you a significant part of his life.
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    Dec 09, 2014 12:07 AM GMT
    PatrickRyan saidIt sounds to me like the only thing that was holding this relationship together was his ability to hold you at arms length. You want more from him than he is prepared to give right now. If you didn't the distance between you, it probably would have been over long ago. You deserve to be treated well and made a priority. He probably needs to date more to really be comfortable with himself and understand how relationships work. Unfortunately, you are his first relationship. It's difficult to believe that you would be his last, too. Find someone that is prepared to make you a significant part of his life.

    ^^^^ This
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    Dec 09, 2014 12:47 AM GMT
    You mention his not being out and his efforts to become established in his career but then you seem to act as if neither of those things mattered. The first is a major hurdle to your relationship and the second is, quite understandably, a time-consuming priority for someone his age. Why not just accept things as they are, since you obviously can't and shouldn't force him to change, of if you don't think you can live with this situation then move on?
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    Dec 09, 2014 8:31 AM GMT
    You should tell him how you feel. I think that he is overwhelmed and doesn't know how to process it all. I think that he just really needs support, and if you just say something like " I am here for you", it will take a load off of his shoulders.
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    Dec 09, 2014 6:55 PM GMT
    chances his parents already know he is gay, after living with him 22years. There has to be a lot of denial going on in his house and he is used to it. So is he somewhat financially independent, possible career, isnt it time he stepped out of the house? An apartment near by his family in his future?

    tell him lots of gay men are not out at work but live in a supportive relationship. It would be a huge step forward for him and maybe enough for you.

    You have only been with him 2 months and in an odd distance relationship. You need to be patient, establish more trust between you two or move on. The holidays is a difficult time for emotions so try to keep things at a manageable level