What do I do?!

  • royndg

    Posts: 2

    Dec 08, 2014 11:48 PM GMT
    Hey there,

    I'm 18 and I've been dating my 22 year old boyfriend for several months now.
    Things went great for the first two months, we started to like each other a lot and were really happy together.
    However, this past month was alarmingly difficult for both of us.
    I should mention that our relationship is long distance. We live two hours apart and I only get to see him several times a month.

    Aside from the distance, one of the major causes that immobilize this relationship from moving forward is the fact that he hasn't come out to most of the people in his life yet, unlike me. He's scared of how they'll react and I understand that. I used to be in his shoes. It's just difficult, because he still lives with his parents and I only get to see him when they're not around.

    Additionally, he's become increasingly busy with work. I addressed my concerns, that he should prioritize me more, because I felt devalued sometimes. That was not the case though.
    He really likes me and often says I bring meaning to his life, but he's just really busy trying to establish his career.
    Sometimes I feel like it's hard for him to simultaneously focus on work and a relationship. Something he can't seem to handle quite well.
    I should also mention that I'm his first, so everything is especially more difficult for him.

    About a week ago, we got in this argument. I tend to address my concerns and I'm often in the wrong. It's just my mind over thinking scenarios that may never be, and I hate it. I can be moody easily and I need to learn to control it better, because I know it can push people away.
    Anyways, this argument took a hard hit. In the argument it came across as if I was making him choose between work and me and that he can only focus on one, but those weren't my intentions. It was a misunderstanding.
    Ever since that argument, things haven't been the same. We talked on the phone later that night of the argument for 3 hours and things seemed fine then, but they still aren't.
    I just saw him in person a few days ago and his behavior was different.

    Currently, I do not know what do to. I'm scared things will come to an end between us and so is he. It would be a shame, we understand each other and even made plans for the future of potentially moving in together, which may seem early at this stage in a relationship, but our feelings for each other are strong. I've talked to him about what should happen and what he feels several times, and he says he sometimes has doubts, that he's confused, doesn't know what to feel or do. Making it clear to me that he really can't handle a relationship right now, but he still said he cares a lot for me and doesn't want me to leave. He also won't open up very well. He never has his entire life, according to friends, but I'm confident and hope that he will in time.
    I just need to know where this is heading. It eats me up inside, because things aren't the way they used to be. I told myself time could heal this, but I may be wrong.

    I don't want this relationship to end, because I know there's still something worth fighting for here. I love this guy, he treats me right. What do I do? Does he need more space and more alone time?
    I'm afraid a break will ultimately end things between us. icon_cry.gif

    Any advice is greatly appreciated, thanks.
  • Webster666

    Posts: 9217

    Dec 09, 2014 12:04 AM GMT
    This is heading nowhere.
    He's reasonably happy the way things are.
    You are not.
    Don't you deserve better than this ?
    Break it off, and go out and find someone living near you, who's out and proud.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 09, 2014 12:07 AM GMT
    Shame is not a turn on for me so I really don't understand the attraction. But hey, if shame and self loathing gets you going, by all means go for it.
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    Dec 09, 2014 6:57 PM GMT
    Where do you see yourself in 5 years time? 10? Do your reasonably best to get there.
  • Destinharbor

    Posts: 4433

    Dec 09, 2014 8:56 PM GMT
    I don't see why everyone is jumping on your boyfriend as having done anything wrong. It sounds to me like a nice 22 year old guy starting out in his career who met a younger guy and is having trouble managing. You are the one bringing drama into the relationship and it sounds like you're increasingly bitching to him about everything. And now he's tired of it and probably you. You probably could repair the damage if you lived nearby but two hours away, I doubt you will have the chance.

    I suggest you digest the fact that you became bitchy and resolve to never let that happen again. But move on. He's at a different place in his life than you. You pay attention to college and figuring out what you want to be as an adult. If you do that, maybe in four years when you're 22, you'll understand him and if he's still single, you can contact him and see where his head is.
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    Dec 09, 2014 11:29 PM GMT
    @royndg - You sound a little like I was at your age when I came out and started dating: emotional, and in need of regular attention/approval from your partner. And I was seeing someone an hour away that wasn't out to his family at the time - and older (four years).

    You sound insecure about the situation.

    S L O W (the f---) D O W N (!!)

    Don't overthink things and don't predict the future. Contrary to some advice here: don't worry about 5 or 10 years. You're 18(!) damnit- and you BARELY know yourself, much less this person you have a crush on.

    Give yourself and him some emotional space - it will do you both good. See a therapist if you can to help focus on YOU as opposed to what you think others think of you. Relax, breathe, and try not to worry about what he is thinking. Instead focus on how you can stop over-reacting and over-thinking things.

    This doesn't have to be mutually exclusive, nor end in tears... but you HAVE to back off a little and not pressure him. You're both just getting to know each other. This is a very emotional time for you, but understand that not everyone has the same emotional needs. Be supportive... not suffocating.

    I know... I've been where you are. Most of all: try not to overreact emotionally based on assumptions. Good luck and try to relax about this.

    :-)
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    Dec 10, 2014 1:50 AM GMT
    Destinharbor saidI don't see why everyone is jumping on your boyfriend as having done anything wrong. It sounds to me like a nice 22 year old guy starting out in his career who met a younger guy and is having trouble managing. You are the one bringing drama into the relationship and it sounds like you're increasingly bitching to him about everything. And now he's tired of it and probably you. You probably could repair the damage if you lived nearby but two hours away, I doubt you will have the chance.

    I suggest you digest the fact that you became bitchy and resolve to never let that happen again. But move on. He's at a different place in his life than you. You pay attention to college and figuring out what you want to be as an adult. If you do that, maybe in four years when you're 22, you'll understand him and if he's still single, you can contact him and see where his head is.


    manboynyc said@royndg - You sound a little like I was at your age when I came out and started dating: emotional, and in need of regular attention/approval from your partner. And I was seeing someone an hour away that wasn't out to his family at the time - and older (four years).

    You sound insecure about the situation.

    S L O W (the f---) D O W N (!!)

    Don't overthink things and don't predict the future. Contrary to some advice here: don't worry about 5 or 10 years. You're 18(!) damnit- and you BARELY know yourself, much less this person you have a crush on.

    Give yourself and him some emotional space - it will do you both good. See a therapist if you can to help focus on YOU as opposed to what you think others think of you. Relax, breathe, and try not to worry about what he is thinking. Instead focus on how you can stop over-reacting and over-thinking things.

    This doesn't have to be mutually exclusive, nor end in tears... but you HAVE to back off a little and not pressure him. You're both just getting to know each other. This is a very emotional time for you, but understand that not everyone has the same emotional needs. Be supportive... not suffocating.

    I know... I've been where you are. Most of all: try not to overreact emotionally based on assumptions. Good luck and try to relax about this.

    :-)


    Let's see I agree with some of the first part though I feel it's a little unnecessary to say your being bitchy like Destinharbor. But agree with him and manboynyc about slowing down and focusing on yourself.

    I've had things with guys 2 hours away, 3 hours away, and now I have something developing with someone in a different state.

    Now this is just me. What I have learned is it's great what you're doing to focus energy towards the relationship but I also learned that focusing energy on who you are outside of the relationship is just as healthy, especially in a long distance relationship. I try to establish myself and who I am outside of the relationship as things progress which should help the self be a stronger person.

    It's pretty clear he cares for you and doesn't want things to end. I have a busy life like all the guys I've become involved with so there's usually a set designated time to talk and I don't know the transportation situation but we also alternated on weekends on who visits who. If the person is truly worth it, 2 hours is not that bad of a drive.

    I hope this makes sense and helps...relationships are hard, especially distance ones. But they can be the best because you still have that sense of or freedom to find who you are unlike a couple who get lost as two when they see each other every day.

    Good luck, the best will come eventually and things happen for a reason and the best way is to grow from it. Hopefully that relates to the fight of keeping the relationship alive and getting it back to paradise.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 10, 2014 6:26 AM GMT
    Your situation with your guy sounds a little complicated at the moment. To me the distance, his not being out, lack of real private space, and his focusing on his career are all things that you either learn to accept or choose to move on from.

    As you have stated YOU are his FIRST and it sounds like there is quite a bit he is still learning about being a relationship with you and having his first relationship with a guy.

    I definitely understand those feelings of being devalued/ not appreciated. My last BF was a bit of a workaholic Chef (the type to work 7 days a week living off of 4-5 hours of sleep).
    There were a couple of times where I would let him know that I felt like we weren't really seeing each other because we really weren't spending any time outside of his job for quite a bit. I made a weekly habit of visiting him 1-2 times a week at the restaurant he worked at, so to me it did feel one sided on effort on my part.

    Depending on the career, sometimes it can be hard to focus on multiple things. Most guys tend not to be good multitaskers. On your guy's end it does make sense that he would focus on his career. He is living with his parents and probably wants to gain his independence so he can explore more of himself without the constraints of being under his parent's roof.

    royndg said
    Currently, I do not know what do to. I'm scared things will come to an end between us and so is he. It would be a shame, we understand each other and even made plans for the future of potentially moving in together, which may seem early at this stage in a relationship, but our feelings for each other are strong. I've talked to him about what should happen and what he feels several times, and he says he sometimes has doubts, that he's confused, doesn't know what to feel or do. Making it clear to me that he really can't handle a relationship right now, but he still said he cares a lot for me and doesn't want me to leave. He also won't open up very well. He never has his entire life, according to friends, but I'm confident and hope that he will in time.


    The funny thing is your situation sounds similar to what happened with my recent BF. He struggled with feelings of doubt and not knowing what to do (some of it is due to us having a bigger age difference than you and your BF). Ultimately we have had to take a break from each other because he felt he couldn't handle a relationship during a time in his life that he needed to focus on other things. I actually want him to focus on his career goals. Of course it wasn't ideally what I wanted, however in the long run I didn't want that feeling of I held him back. I didn't like it at first but the time away from him has been good for me. Perhaps that would be best for you and him as well. It won't be the end of the world as much as it feels like it might be.


    Overall I agree with what Manboy is saying to you. Like he stated, you don't want to suffocate him as it sounds like he may be under a bit of pressure already. IMO the best thing you can do is slow down, take a deep breath, exhale, and take a step back.

    During that time off you can explore yourself and gain a better perspective of your needs and wants for your future, the same goes for him. The hard truth is in the long run either you will find your way back to each other or not, in which case you weren't really meant to be together. Believe me I know that feeling of bliss from a guy you like can be hard to put aside, but don't forget that you deserve to be treated the way you need to be treated for a relationship to work.

    be-someone-who-makes-you-happy.jpg

    Going forward, learn to keep it simple. You are 18! You still have a lifetime of happiness, love, and joy to look forward to in your romantic future!
  • AMoonHawk

    Posts: 11406

    Dec 10, 2014 7:20 AM GMT
    You're a matter of convenience and you are not both looking for the same thing ... Find another