Asking the "boyfriends?" question

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 09, 2014 1:53 AM GMT
    I posted a thread a month and a half ago about the fact that I had then been dating a guy for a month and a half (so that makes it three months currently) and we talked about how neither of us was seeing anyone else, but when I asked if he wanted to be exclusive, he said he was happy with the way things currently were.

    Well, now it has been another month an a half. If anything we've just continued getting closer and closer, and I really want to ask the "will you be my boyfriend" question... but I'm not sure if that's a good idea. Since he was the one who didn't want to be exclusive a month and a half ago, shouldn't I wait for him to broach the topic?

    We see each other once or twice a week and text a lot every day. During our most recent date I called him by a nickname and he asked me to not do that because his ex called him that nickname and it made him think of his ex. I asked if he still had feelings for that ex and he said no. I asked if he had feelings for any of his exes and he said. So I asked "Do you have feelings for ANYone?" and he smiled at me and said "Maaaaybe" and we kissed.

    So... this is a good sign, no? Should I risk it and ask him? Or just wait it out until he asks me?

    TL;DR: I've been dating a guy for three months and am nervous about asking him to be boyfriends because a month and a half ago he said he liked "where we are right now".
  • Bunjamon

    Posts: 3161

    Dec 09, 2014 2:41 AM GMT
    I think that if you've invested 3+ months, you're allowed to ask him whether or not you may refer to him as your boyfriend, even if you're not exclusive. But if he says no, you might find yourself in a bit of a quandary. In that case, you may want to ask him if he'd ever consider letting you call him your boyfriend or if he'd ever be interested in being exclusive with you. If both are important to you (it sounds like they are) and they are deal breakers for him, you may consider cutting your losses and finding someone who would be willing to be in a monogamous boyfriend relationship with you.
  • SilverRRCloud

    Posts: 874

    Dec 09, 2014 2:54 AM GMT
    Wow. 3 Months?

    Awesomeicon_biggrin.gif

    Why wouldn't you enjoy your NSA dating as it is? He ain't the only dude who is NSA here. You are one, too.

    Your friend has shown some aversion to committing himself to an apparently monogamous, exclusive relationship. Asking AGAIN can be pretty annoying at best.

    At worst, you are giving him a bit of a bargaining ticket that he does not need at this stage in your friendship/budding relationship. If you ask again, he will rightly draw the conclusion that you already want to hear the wedding bells ringing... Being that this is NOT his first priority, he may want to go into 'I am very hard to get mood' just to see how far are you willing to go to get him say something that he may or may not take too seriously.

    For all the practical reasons, you are dating exclusively, so far, or at least, this is the impression created. How much are you gaining by hearing that, yeah, he is now ready to go exclusive. His actions speak much louder than words...

    Yet, it is only wise not to challenge him...

    SC

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    Dec 09, 2014 3:00 AM GMT
    You seem like a great guy but you also seem very needy. This guy has proven he's afraid of commitment and yet you're trying once again to cage him. Would it kill you to just let him come to you since he's the one with the issues? Just enjoy your time with him and stop worrying about plastering a label on his forehead.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 10, 2014 1:04 AM GMT
    Bunjamon saidI think that if you've invested 3+ months, you're allowed to ask him whether or not you may refer to him as your boyfriend, even if you're not exclusive.

    I think so too. 1.5 months? Not so much, that was a bit rash. But 3 months? I think letting it go on for three more months without any parameters will kill me. icon_razz.gif

    In that case, you may want to ask him if he'd ever consider letting you call him your boyfriend or if he'd ever be interested in being exclusive with you.

    We sort of discussed this 1.5 months ago. I asked if could see us heading in that direction and he indicated that was possible. Now, 1.5 months later he's telling me he has feelings for me... I think all signs point to: it's heading to relationshipland, but very very slowly. I can wait, I guess.

    Scruffypup saidWould it kill you to just let him come to you since he's the one with the issues?

    That's exactly what I suggested: should I just wait for him to approach me about it?

    However, I should mention that he is not a first-move kind of guy in any sense (except our first kiss). I'm worried about leaving any kind of ball in his court because he seems like the kind of guy who expects all the moves to be made for him.

    He's not adverse to a relationship, he just doesn't want to rush into one because of how disastrous his last one turned out (he was cheated on extensively).

    As for the other commenter saying that I and the guy I'm dating are "NSA" type of guys: not so. I have zero interest in NSA, and he has said the same is true for him, that he is also only interested in sex with guys he has some kind of romantic feelings for.

  • BloodFlame

    Posts: 1768

    Dec 10, 2014 1:20 AM GMT
    That is quite the dilemma. Personally, I'd give it one or two more months to see how things go. 3 months is enough but since you asked before and he wasn't sure, I'd just a wait a teensy bit longer. That way you could continue to get to know each other and learn if you two are really compatible.

    Good luck!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 10, 2014 2:12 AM GMT
    I think now is the perfect time, with the holiday coming up and all. Ask him again. You waited long enough and have been sticking around so why not?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 14, 2014 1:26 AM GMT
    Unfortunately, you already placed your intentions out there should your guy accept the commitment for a relationship. At this point in time, your guy is holding back (most likely due to his previous relationship) and not prepared to pursue anything official. I would suggest wait out for another month and have another discussion in the new year where both of you think where this relationship is going.
  • mybud

    Posts: 11837

    Dec 14, 2014 5:21 AM GMT
    Ask him again...If he says no and you can't live with that...Move on.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 14, 2014 2:20 PM GMT
    AS noted above, the holidays are the perfect time.
    New Years Eve?
  • Destinharbor

    Posts: 4435

    Dec 14, 2014 7:11 PM GMT
    How about compromise? Acknowledge in a friendly, laughing way that he doesn't like the boyfriend label. BUT you would like to know if he considers you two to be exclusive because you certainly do. Sometimes people have baggage associated with certain words. That's normal.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 14, 2014 7:21 PM GMT
    Wait a few more months to pursue that type of conversation --- say when you've been dating 6 months. In the meantime count your blessings that you have a steady date.
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    Dec 19, 2014 2:03 AM GMT
    So I didn't take the obvious advice that he clearly wasn't ready and I went ahead and asked him. After a night of watching some shows and then sex (which seemed unlikely because he was falling asleep so I had to carry him to bed), post-sex we were cuddling and I said "This feels very right. And you know I have feelings for you, and I think you indicated you have feelings for me with that 'maaaaybe'... I'm ready for the next step if you are. Will you be my boyfriend?"

    There was a verrrrry long pause and then he finally said: "Well, I've been wanting to bring this up. Lord knows I'm very attracted to you physically... but I still don't feel anything romantic. I think our friendship is deepening but nothing romantic. I've been wanting to give it time, hoping that it would."

    He basically wanted to keep doing what we were doing: seeing each other once or twice a week for cuddling and sex and hanging out, but didn't think romance would ever develop between us.

    icon_sad.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 19, 2014 3:34 AM GMT
    Radd saidYou seem like a great guy but you also seem very needy. This guy has proven he's afraid of commitment and yet you're trying once again to cage him. Would it kill you to just let him come to you since he's the one with the issues? Just enjoy your time with him and stop worrying about plastering a label on his forehead.


    This is still the best advice here ... enjoy it and refrain from needlessly labeling it unless you're going to get married.
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    Dec 19, 2014 3:47 AM GMT
    [quote][cite]sf_swimmer said[/cite]
    Radd saidYou seem like a great guy but you also seem very needy. This guy has proven he's afraid of commitment and yet you're trying once again to cage him. Would it kill you to just let him come to you since he's the one with the issues? Just enjoy your time with him and stop worrying about plastering a label on his forehead.


    This is still the best advice here ... enjoy what you have and refrain from needlessly labeling it at this point. I would also remain open to dating other people if you aren't doing that already, since I would bet what you have with this guy is going to start to fizzle out in a couple more months.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 19, 2014 5:29 AM GMT
    danlport saidSo I didn't take the obvious advice that he clearly wasn't ready and I went ahead and asked him. After a night of watching some shows and then sex (which seemed unlikely because he was falling asleep so I had to carry him to bed), post-sex we were cuddling and I said "This feels very right. And you know I have feelings for you, and I think you indicated you have feelings for me with that 'maaaaybe'... I'm ready for the next step if you are. Will you be my boyfriend?"

    There was a verrrrry long pause and then he finally said: "Well, I've been wanting to bring this up. Lord knows I'm very attracted to you physically... but I still don't feel anything romantic. I think our friendship is deepening but nothing romantic. I've been wanting to give it time, hoping that it would."

    He basically wanted to keep doing what we were doing: seeing each other once or twice a week for cuddling and sex and hanging out, but didn't think romance would ever develop between us.

    icon_sad.gif


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    It totally sucks that your guys are in different places. You just have to ask yourself if you're ok being FWB or really need something more. You can't beat yourself up waiting for him to change.
  • MikemikeMike

    Posts: 6932

    Dec 19, 2014 6:02 AM GMT
    You're 33. It sounds like you have little experience in dating. I still feel your relationship was new. Sounds like you pushed it. You wanted sex early on and you got it. If you are looking for a boyfriend why not invest more time first. Romance a guy see if he is romantic back. I know guys are going to say or think what if after you both fall for each other and sex isn't good, then you move on if it is a deal breaker. Dating and finding love is a risk. Good things come to those who wait.
    Good luck.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 19, 2014 6:19 PM GMT
    MikemikeMike saidYou're 33. It sounds like you have little experience in dating. I still feel your relationship was new. Sounds like you pushed it. You wanted sex early on and you got it. If you are looking for a boyfriend why not invest more time first. Romance a guy see if he is romantic back. I know guys are going to say or think what if after you both fall for each other and sex isn't good, then you move on if it is a deal breaker. Dating and finding love is a risk. Good things come to those who wait.
    Good luck.


    That's a very good point, we did have sex pretty early (well, we never had intercourse)... on the second date. I probably should have put it off for at least a few more dates. Damn.
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    Dec 20, 2014 2:40 AM GMT
    sf_swimmer said
    Radd saidYou seem like a great guy but you also seem very needy. This guy has proven he's afraid of commitment and yet you're trying once again to cage him. Would it kill you to just let him come to you since he's the one with the issues? Just enjoy your time with him and stop worrying about plastering a label on his forehead.


    This is still the best advice here ... enjoy it and refrain from needlessly labeling it unless you're going to get married.

    I disagree.
    The OP clearly wants more than a FWB relationship can give. Continuing on this basis will only turn frustration into resentment. Not only that, but he's now revealed his feelings and been told they aren't shared. To go on seeing the other guy would be saying, in effect, "even though I care for you and you don't care for me, I'll take any crumbs you're willing to throw me."
    To salvage his dignity, not to mention clearing the decks so he can meet someone else, the OP should end it.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 20, 2014 3:08 AM GMT
    TexDef07 said
    sf_swimmer said
    Radd saidYou seem like a great guy but you also seem very needy. This guy has proven he's afraid of commitment and yet you're trying once again to cage him. Would it kill you to just let him come to you since he's the one with the issues? Just enjoy your time with him and stop worrying about plastering a label on his forehead.


    This is still the best advice here ... enjoy it and refrain from needlessly labeling it unless you're going to get married.

    I disagree.
    The OP clearly wants more than a FWB relationship can give. Continuing on this basis will only turn frustration into resentment. Not only that, but he's now revealed his feelings and been told they aren't shared. To go on seeing the other guy would be saying, in effect, "even though I care for you and you don't care for me, I'll take any crumbs you're willing to throw me."
    To salvage his dignity, not to mention clearing the decks so he can meet someone else, the OP should end it.


    You were quick, because I edited my response soon after I left it. My point perhaps not clearly stated was continue if you'd like without any expectations and start looking elsewhere for what you're looking for.
  • Apparition

    Posts: 3529

    Dec 27, 2014 6:27 AM GMT
    You should have said...oh okay, i will keep having sex with the other 12 guys ive been fucking...
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    Dec 27, 2014 4:13 PM GMT
    I'm offering this wise old saying for consideration here. It has kept me out of this kind of trouble:


    "When you run after a man, you run after a man who can - and will - run faster."
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    Dec 27, 2014 6:15 PM GMT
    Nothing to offer other than this lame ass internet HUG man. Hope it helps a little.