As a gay man, do you hate or even jealous of straight people sometimes?

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    Dec 12, 2014 8:59 AM GMT
    I was looking around on my facebook today and lord and behold, I actually reconnected with a couple of my HS and college friends. Chatting with them, seeing their photos and how their lives all changed so much. Most of them are married, with kids, have a dog...Wedding photo albums everywhere. I felt a little bit sad, and jealous because well they all seem so happy. And me, I had about 2-3 failed relationships in my life and still dating around. Maybe this said something about me, I have a problem with commitment or whatever? I realize in the last couple years now, I do want to get married, settle down and have a dog (like most straight couples). lol Urg, And I hate being single during the holiday season and getting a great man is so hard, I'm about to give up on love and just back to my sleep around phase since I haven't had actual sex with a guy in over a year.... I'm feeling kinda similar to that Character *Blaine in *Is it just me? ....Anyone else relate? Feel free to input advices or whatever.

    Rant over. icon_neutral.gificon_razz.gif
  • BloodFlame

    Posts: 1768

    Dec 12, 2014 11:26 AM GMT
    Honestly, I do feel envious at times when I see straight couples when I'm out and about. They do seem happy and love each other very much so it makes me wonder if I'll ever get to experience that some day before I die.

    I think you'll be fine. At least you had relationships and are more prone to know what you want? Nevertheless, best of luck, I'm sure you'll meet the right guy and get the right dog too heh.
  • mybud

    Posts: 11837

    Dec 12, 2014 1:59 PM GMT
    First, friends on face book post things they want you to see. Know that relationships are hard, tiring work. You want a house, picket fence, blah..blah...you can have that. Lastly, love will come, but in the mean while, love myself, and do those things that will make you happy. In the end, you can't love another completely until you love yourself.
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    Dec 12, 2014 2:19 PM GMT
    As a gay man, do you hate or even jealous of straight people sometimes?

    Not those feelings, I think resentment is closer. For straights having unfair advantages and legal protections that aren't afforded most gay people in the US, and enjoying higher social standing in many situations.

    I feel this not so much for myself, being now retired and living in one of the most gay-friendly communities in the United States. And I've tried to build legal substitutes for the rights my husband & I lack due to this State blocking gay marriage and the hundreds of benefits & protections that come with it.

    But I do feel resentment on behalf of other GLBT who are in less fortunate positions regarding the civil rights that straights get to exercise. Gays in the United States truly are second class citizens under our laws.
  • taylorjp

    Posts: 21

    Dec 12, 2014 2:39 PM GMT
    not really straight ppl face the same problems as we do so ,, love will come when u dont expect it
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    Dec 12, 2014 3:17 PM GMT
    you have to really really want a husband type situation. Its now a new option. Sounds like your there. Just make sure your long term partner shares the same vision. Be considerate what you both bring to the table to create that yet undefined household.

    lots of gay men have less than expected picket fence husband skillz. Interesting to see the people just getting out of the closet, what will they do?

    even married you can get into a lot of traps that stagnate a life.
    Definitely wait till after the holidays to do things, well maybe not start whoring around asp

  • KittenpasteCo...

    Posts: 245

    Dec 12, 2014 3:40 PM GMT
    All the time. For the reasons you stated and the ease of actually starting up relationships. Many more easily available options out there, different societal pressures influencing the decisions of both too.
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    Dec 12, 2014 4:41 PM GMT
    The good news is winter is the time where people generally want to be cuddled up and in love. See if you feel the same way once summer comes along.
  • Ironman4U

    Posts: 738

    Dec 12, 2014 6:29 PM GMT
    Is it easier to live in the world as a straight guy? Absolutely.

    But do I hate straight people because they have it easier? No. Hate ultimately hurts the hater. It's negative energy and a waste of what we are here for. And perhaps, you're definition of hate is not the same as mind. But even resentment, jealousy, etc. are all negative and serves no real positive purpose. Why waste your time wishing you were in a different place or position that you can't control? What purpose does that serve but to make you feel badly?

    Gay or straight, there will always people that have more or less in life. Accept it. Do what you can to make your life what you want it to be. And find your own path to happiness which is not dependent on others.
  • davfit

    Posts: 309

    Dec 12, 2014 7:05 PM GMT
    Yes I do sometimes ,but all it takes is a closer look behind the kids, photos and happiness? and look at my friends who are straight.. Thats on the surface , but underneath not all is perfect... may complain of not enough sex ,alota work,.. kids, Money worries, time for each other...... is way off balance..... Many of then Women complain Husband is always working never Home..So the Real facts... The grass is not always greener.. even if it looks that way ..it is something... you can hide behind....
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    Dec 12, 2014 7:06 PM GMT
    Not in the least
  • BloodFlame

    Posts: 1768

    Dec 12, 2014 7:17 PM GMT
    davfit saidYes I do sometimes ,but all it takes is a closer look behind the kids, photos and happiness? and look at my friends who are straight.. Thats on the surface , but underneath not all is perfect... may complain of not enough sex ,alota work,.. kids, Money worries, time for each other...... is way off balance..... Many of then Women complain Husband is always working never Home..So the Real facts... The grass is not always greener.. even if it looks that way ..it is something... you can hide behind....


    That's something to consider thinking about.
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    Dec 12, 2014 7:18 PM GMT
    Yes I do envy straight people since they seem to be able to form families and have satisfying lives much more readily than gay men. (Note I'm not saying every gay man, but you have to admit that being a gay man in this world isn't the ideal option.)
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    Dec 12, 2014 8:36 PM GMT
    Many good advices here, thanks to all. I just realized that this thread probably has nothing to do with my envy with straight people. Maybe I just need to get laid first Lol, stop looking for a man and then magically, he will just come ?? icon_lol.gif
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    Dec 12, 2014 8:37 PM GMT
    sf_swimmer saidYes I do envy straight people since they seem to be able to form families and have satisfying lives much more readily than gay men. (Note I'm not saying every gay man, but you have to admit that being a gay man in this world isn't the ideal option.)

    I think Art_Deco explained it very well. All around the world gays are treated as a second class citizens and mostly by the straight people.
    In terms of love and relationship, I don't even see myself in any straight couple. There is nothing to be jealous about.If anything, it's the gays in relationship going on with their normal life that sometimes give me that feeling of may be I am missing something.

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    Dec 12, 2014 9:03 PM GMT
    LAXWill10 saidI was looking around on my facebook today and lord and behold, I actually reconnected with a couple of my HS and college friends. Chatting with them, seeing their photos and how their lives all changed so much. Most of them are married, with kids, have a dog...Wedding photo albums everywhere. I felt a little bit sad, and jealous because well they all seem so happy. And me, I had about 2-3 failed relationships in my life and still dating around. Maybe this said something about me, I have a problem with commitment or whatever? I realize in the last couple years now, I do want to get married, settle down and have a dog (like most straight couples). lol Urg, And I hate being single during the holiday season and getting a great man is so hard, I'm about to give up on love and just back to my sleep around phase since I haven't had actual sex with a guy in over a year.... I'm feeling kinda similar to that Character *Blaine in *Is it just me? ....Anyone else relate? Feel free to input advices or whatever.

    Rant over. icon_neutral.gificon_razz.gif


    You may also want to keep in mind that social media; people tend to only show the happy parts of their lives. They may have struggles no one knows of.

    I can say, having mostly friends of the heterosexual orientation I haven't been so much as jealous in a long while but inspired. I know what you mean about wanting someone to settle with at some point and having a life well put together.
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    Dec 12, 2014 9:11 PM GMT
    LAXWill10 saidI was looking around on my facebook today and lord and behold, I actually reconnected with a couple of my HS and college friends. Chatting with them, seeing their photos and how their lives all changed so much. Most of them are married, with kids, have a dog...Wedding photo albums everywhere. I felt a little bit sad, and jealous because well they all seem so happy. And me, I had about 2-3 failed relationships in my life and still dating around. Maybe this said something about me, I have a problem with commitment or whatever? I realize in the last couple years now, I do want to get married, settle down and have a dog (like most straight couples). lol Urg, And I hate being single during the holiday season and getting a great man is so hard, I'm about to give up on love and just back to my sleep around phase since I haven't had actual sex with a guy in over a year.... I'm feeling kinda similar to that Character *Blaine in *Is it just me? ....Anyone else relate? Feel free to input advices or whatever.

    Rant over. icon_neutral.gificon_razz.gif


    I can't really follow what you're saying at all. You want to get married and settle down, yet you're also about to give up on love and just sleep around? Make up your mind!

    And as far as the title of the post, hate and jealousy are a waste of time and energy. Hating someone for having something you don't isn't going to get you closer to it, it might actually have the opposite effect. No one wants to date a hater.

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    Dec 12, 2014 9:40 PM GMT
    __morphic__ said
    sf_swimmer saidYes I do envy straight people since they seem to be able to form families and have satisfying lives much more readily than gay men. (Note I'm not saying every gay man, but you have to admit that being a gay man in this world isn't the ideal option.)

    I think Art_Deco explained it very well. All around the world gays are treated as a second class citizens and mostly by the straight people.
    In terms of love and relationship, I don't even see myself in any straight couple. There is nothing to be jealous about.If anything, it's the gays in relationship going on with their normal life that sometimes give me that feeling of may be I am missing something.



    I think that the treatment of gay men as second-class citizens comes much more from gay men themselves rather than from straight people. In my opinion there is way too much reliance on playing the victim card. Eliminating discrimination is of course very necessary, but it won't solve the inter-personal problems among gay men without a basic level of respect and kindness in the way gay men think about and treat each other.
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    Dec 12, 2014 10:33 PM GMT
    sf_swimmer said
    I think that the treatment of gay men as second-class citizens comes much more from gay men themselves rather than from straight people. In my opinion there is way too much reliance on playing the victim card. Eliminating discrimination is of course very necessary, but it won't solve the inter-personal problems among gay men without a basic level of respect and kindness in the way gay men think about and treat each other.


    Sorry, but I don't agree with your statement that we are playing the victim card. Things may have got bit better in your side of the world, but still there are way too many places were gays are equivalent to criminals. You guys may have it bit better than rest of the world, but still it isn't what you would call as "normal".
    The kind of treament you are referring to is not specific to gay men. You can't expect gays to rise above the normal human character flaws because they are like every other human on the earth. Even then, studies have shown that gay men have more empathy and are less violent.
  • pelotudo87

    Posts: 225

    Dec 12, 2014 10:52 PM GMT
    I used to wish that I was heterosexual, but now I see not being heterosexual as a blessing rather than a curse:

    1.) For starters, just because people seem happy on Facebook, don't believe it. Like others have said, people can paint their lives any way that they want on social media.

    2.) Gay men have much more freedom. For the most part, straight people conform to societal expectations and get married, buy a house, have kids, climb the corporate ladder, etc...

    However, I think that deep down, a lot of straight men come to feel "trapped":

    -If they want to make a career change, go on a trip to some distant part of the world, or something like that, they can't--they have a family, a house, and a car that require a steady cash flow.
    -If they want to separate from their wives (for whatever reason), it almost always results in a messy divorce. The women almost always get the house, the man will probably have to pay child support, and someone who used to tell him "I love you" suddenly has a lawyer breathing down his neck. As my mom used to say, a lot of people stay together "for the kids" and because of all the hassle that getting divorced would bring.

    Is it harder to find a long-term, monogamous relationship in the gay world? Honestly, I think that it probably is...but even if straight couples are monogamous and are living "the dream," don't think that they are necessarily happy.


    Gay men, on the other hand, have SO MUCH more freedom to chose a career they like instead of one that is prestigious or well-paying, separating is easier as long as there aren't any kids (and gay men don't have to go through the experience of having a pregnant wife / newborn baby, either)...there are actually a ton of advantages to not being straight.
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    Dec 12, 2014 10:55 PM GMT
    __morphic__ said
    sf_swimmer said
    I think that the treatment of gay men as second-class citizens comes much more from gay men themselves rather than from straight people. In my opinion there is way too much reliance on playing the victim card. Eliminating discrimination is of course very necessary, but it won't solve the inter-personal problems among gay men without a basic level of respect and kindness in the way gay men think about and treat each other.


    Sorry, but I don't agree with your statement that we are playing the victim card. Things may have got bit better in your side of the world, but still there are way too many places were gays are equivalent to criminals. You guys may have it bit better than rest of the world, but still it isn't what you would call as "normal".
    The kind of treament you are referring to is not specific to gay men. You can't expect gays to rise above the normal human character flaws because they are like every other human on the earth. Even then, studies have shown that gay men have more empathy and are less violent.


    The OP was talking, I believe, about his frustrations in forming a couple with another man that is equivalent to the relationships he sees his straight friends more readily forming. He live in California, where gay marriage is legal and which is one of the most liberal states in the US. It's terrible that gay men are living in more oppressive parts fo the world, but that's not really relevant to OP's frustrations. That's why I think the victim card is played way to much by American gay men living in liberal states (hopefully that clarification helps).

    Not sure what studies you're referring to, but you realize that studies can be used to "prove" almost anything. I think the OP was talking about his real-life frustrations, not the proving of theoretical hypotheses. But even if gay men "have more empathy and are less violent" than straight men (I'm guessing that's what you meant) ... so what. I believe the OP is talking about the ability to commit and (presumably) be faithful to a partner. In my life experience these are not gay men's strong suits and trying blame that on how we're all victimized I think perpetuates the situation.
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    Dec 12, 2014 11:08 PM GMT
    taylorjp saidnot really straight ppl face the same problems as we do so


    This is false. Most straight people don't have to grow up with a fear of being themselves. Nor do they have to go through the stress of coming out to people, or having to constantly defend their sexual orientation to ignorant assholes.
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    Dec 12, 2014 11:53 PM GMT
    Sure! Much easier, many more potential partners, AND you don't have to tell your parents!
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    Dec 13, 2014 1:19 AM GMT
    sf_swimmer said
    __morphic__ said
    sf_swimmer said
    I think that the treatment of gay men as second-class citizens comes much more from gay men themselves rather than from straight people. In my opinion there is way too much reliance on playing the victim card. Eliminating discrimination is of course very necessary, but it won't solve the inter-personal problems among gay men without a basic level of respect and kindness in the way gay men think about and treat each other.


    Sorry, but I don't agree with your statement that we are playing the victim card. Things may have got bit better in your side of the world, but still there are way too many places were gays are equivalent to criminals. You guys may have it bit better than rest of the world, but still it isn't what you would call as "normal".
    The kind of treament you are referring to is not specific to gay men. You can't expect gays to rise above the normal human character flaws because they are like every other human on the earth. Even then, studies have shown that gay men have more empathy and are less violent.


    The OP was talking, I believe, about his frustrations in forming a couple with another man that is equivalent to the relationships he sees his straight friends more readily forming. He live in California, where gay marriage is legal and which is one of the most liberal states in the US. It's terrible that gay men are living in more oppressive parts fo the world, but that's not really relevant to OP's frustrations. That's why I think the victim card is played way to much by American gay men living in liberal states (hopefully that clarification helps).

    Not sure what studies you're referring to, but you realize that studies can be used to "prove" almost anything. I think the OP was talking about his real-life frustrations, not the proving of theoretical hypotheses. But even if gay men "have more empathy and are less violent" than straight men (I'm guessing that's what you meant) ... so what. I believe the OP is talking about the ability to commit and (presumably) be faithful to a partner. In my life experience these are not gay men's strong suits and trying blame that on how we're all victimized I think perpetuates the situation.


    Very interesting. it does resonate
  • MikemikeMike

    Posts: 6932

    Dec 13, 2014 3:27 AM GMT
    No I don't. I know from experience being on both sides and it is an easy more free life being gay.
    JMO
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