Have people ever treat you differently as "harmless", "innocent", or "fragile" for being gay?

  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Dec 14, 2014 12:38 AM GMT
    So I kinda wonder about this sometime. Do people ever treat you differently for being gay, in the good way I mean.
    We have heard a lot of stories about gay people being harassed or attacked or discriminated. What about the good ones?

    I have been harassed and bullied as well, but never been physically attacked, thank God.
    But I also experienced some nice "treatment" by people for being gay. I think people sort of figure out instantly that I'm gay after knowing me for a short time. I mean my brother already knew it before I even knew what "gay" was. So some of them treat me like I'm "harmless", "innocent", or "fragile". Does it bring out their protective instinct for you?

    This is what happened to me for real.

    1. So my brother saw me being bullied by another boy. He called me "slanted eyed Chinese". I'm not Chinese, but that was insulting. But I just didn't say anything back to the boy. Turned out my brother was watching me like a hawk. After the boy went away, he came over to me asking me "permission" to beat up the boy. I told him "don't do it" of course.

    I know a big brother probably always be protective to his younger sibling. But here's another story. I was 20 at this time. So he was telling me that one of his friend got arrested by the cops. I asked why. He looked at me strangely and just said because he got a girl pregnant. So I thought it must be some kinda sexual assault. He said no he would never do that. Then what's his crime if it was consensual. Then he just backtracked and told me that he actually got busted with a prostitute. I was like why he told me different story at first, then I realized that he was protecting my "virgin ears". He would rather me not hearing about prostitutes, hookers, and stuff like that.

    2. My guy friends tend to be tactile and gentle with me. Like guiding me by putting their hands on my back, or putting their arms over my shoulder while we were sitting, one of them was comfortable enough resting his head on my shoulder. Now I notice they don't do that with other guys, only with me. They like to tease me too of course. For example in our online group chat, we were congratulating a guy's birthday. This guy, D, teased me, "so R**** what are you getting him for his birthday?". They always tease me because they think I have a crush on this birthday guy, which is not true. At that time I was annoyed so I wrote, "fuck off, asshole!" And all of them laughing. "hahahaha", "R**** has teeth", "'fuck off, asshole!' hahahaha". They were surprised that I could be angry. Weird, huh?

    3. I was giving presentation at this Management of Human Resources seminar in front of professors and my classmates as part of my assignment. The topic was Power. And there is the subtopic about Sexual Harassment. My presentation went quite well, and they all paid attention, until I was talking about sexual harassment. A lot of my classmates was laughing. I wondered why. After seminar, I asked them why they were laughing. was my presentation awful? They said no, they said it's just weird seeing me talking about sex. They said I looked too innocent to be talking about sexual harassment. Not sure how to take that.

    4. Now this time, with a stranger. I was about to cross a street with very full traffic. But it was fine since there was crosswalks and traffic signal. But this lady saw me and said "oh you need help crossing the street? Come follow me." I was quite startled but I just smiled and said thanks. Do I really look like someone who need help crossing the street. This was three years ago.

    5. In an elevator, I was alone until these group of guys entered. Professionals. With shirts and ties. They were chatting as we went up. We were going to same floor. And when the elevator opened, they all step aside making a clear walk. I thought "what are they doing?" then I realized "they were letting me out first" so I just hurried up, smiled, and said thanks.

    6. Me and my boys were about to take a different train in the subway. I told them their train was at the other platform. But they followed me and said it's okay. I was like what are they doing. And then I realized they were waiting for me to get in the train safely and then they take their train and go home.

    There are more stories like this but I think I already made my point.

    I know you will say that being gay has nothing to do with being "harmless", "innocent", or "fragile". I know.
    And I'm not sure I like to be treated as a weakling.
    But I still wonder. Care to share some stories or opinion?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Dec 14, 2014 1:40 AM GMT
    Yes and no. After a year and a half at a restaurant job, one of the managers said that she was reluctant to hire me. When I pressed her to find out why, she said that I was too nice and her mean staff would eat me alive. Then she learned that I was meaner...

    In general people don't feel the need to protect me so much, especially since I'm a 6 foot tall nearly 200 pound guy.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Dec 14, 2014 2:34 AM GMT
    Your experiences don't seem to be about you being gay, they seem to all be about you appearing to be quite young and somewhat innocent-looking
    Don't sweat it, the time will come when you wish you still looked as young as you do now
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Dec 14, 2014 4:04 AM GMT
    I'm pretty liberal on the political spectrum but I went to a graduate school where much of the student body was much further to the left than me. But I think I got a pass on that because I was gay.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Dec 14, 2014 4:05 AM GMT
    Sharkspeare saidYour experiences don't seem to be about you being gay, they seem to all be about you appearing to be quite young and somewhat innocent-looking
    Don't sweat it, the time will come when you wish you still looked as young as you do now


    I was gonna say the same thing. I think they don't even know you're gay in most scenarios above.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Dec 14, 2014 6:00 AM GMT
    Well, it can be a serious problem. Especially if you go into the corporate world (or gummint) where promotions and resource allocation is based on hair and physical appearance. Because basically retard ex-fratboy business majors who are qualified to be maybe low-level clerks are somehow in charge of everything.

    A lot of smaller guys succumb to Napoleon Syndrome, which can be very ugly. Non-Centerfold women fall back on ball-breaking-bitch syndrome, if they want to be taken seriously. There doesn't seem to be any place in the world for quiet competence.

    Somehow, you've got to let people know that you aren't the harmless ineffectual doormat. Hopefully without being too much of an asshole about it.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Dec 14, 2014 6:26 AM GMT

    I guess it would depend on what generation one is from and where, how one grew up. I personally can name more bad treatment and memories than the very few good ones. Its no wonder our mothers cry at the time of our coming out, they become afraid for us and our future. When someone comes out, the objective is not to be fragile, its to be strong and confident. No, treatment has been rather harsh than harmless. Collectively, those who hate us have made our lives as difficult as possible.
  • AMoonHawk

    Posts: 11406

    Dec 14, 2014 7:46 AM GMT
    Yes. Straight people suck. I've had them talk down to me as if I was ignorant or beneath them. I had a guy so scared of talking to me, that you hear his voice shaking. There was a guy actually cling to the wall and turn and face it as he walked pass by me, I've been jumped and beaten leaving a gay bar, also chase down in a car after leaving a gay bar, had guys drive by and throw a beer bottle at me for standing out side a gay bar, drive by and yell queer and fag. When straight people find out your are gay, they ask you some of the stupidest questions. When they tell me I'm going to go to Hell, I ask them, what makes them think they are not going to Hell. ... wow the list just goes on and on. No wonder I don't like or trust straight people. But fortunately there have also been a lot of nice straight people too.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Dec 14, 2014 8:31 AM GMT
    MuchMoreThanMuscle saidNot trying to come off as insensitive at all. But the OP is 5'3" and 118lb and he looks incredibly young for his age. I believe it has more to do with his physical stature more than anything else.


    Always getting your nose into threads only to attack the OPs, shame on you.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Dec 14, 2014 10:42 AM GMT
    I can kinda relate to this. Some people treat you like your made of glass and might break whereas others will try to break you. No idea if that's to do with sexuality though or if its more to do with my personality.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Dec 14, 2014 12:46 PM GMT
    There may be some truth to that. Girls kinda see gay guys as their best friends. Guys can either see gay dudes as either weak and sensitive or very catty and killjoys lol.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Dec 14, 2014 1:47 PM GMT
    Sharkspeare saidYour experiences don't seem to be about you being gay, they seem to all be about you appearing to be quite young and somewhat innocent-looking
    Don't sweat it, the time will come when you wish you still looked as young as you do now

    That was my impression from his photos, as well: young & innocent, a person you reflexively protect. And while I don't know this, perhaps his voice is a bit boyish, too.

    My problem is that my own appearance doesn't garner much attention, sorta a "Mr. Cellophane" character. It isn't that anyone wants to protect me - they don't even know I'm there! Having met me in person you know this for yourself.

    So I use my voice, which is fairly deep & resonant, that does get attention. And I learned during my former career how to almost bark my words at times, even while being otherwise pleasant with people. So that the sound commands attention and respect, overcoming my unimpressive visual appearance.

    We compensate as we need, using the best tools we've got. If this situation bothers the OP, he might consider doing likewise.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Dec 14, 2014 10:26 PM GMT
    None of the above. I've been told that I scare people.
  • NoFLFitGuy

    Posts: 44

    Dec 15, 2014 12:14 AM GMT
    Well, I applied for a medical management job with a MAJOR US hospital corp. After making it through the 3rd stage of the process (down to myself vs. an in-house person who eventually got the job), the original person who interviewed me told me that when she first saw me, she thought she had picked up the wrong resume. I looked like too much of a "dumb jock" to have the resume I do. And she kept complementing me on how well spoken I was. I am glad now that I did not get the job because if the assumption was that I was stupid because I lift, was it a good place to work for?

    I can say that in the workplaces where I have come out, management has basically asked me not to speak of it while at work - to stay in the closet in the workplace. They never seemed to ask that of the straight people, but I have been on 3 occasions. I suppose they think that having LGBT people in the workplace would the threatening in the conservative states I have lived in.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Dec 15, 2014 12:20 AM GMT
    No, aparently i intimidate people unintentionally especially at work. I'm not sure them knowing what i do or don't do with my penis would make them any less scared of me. but i suppose i could give it a shot
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Dec 15, 2014 11:12 AM GMT
    Not really tbh. Most people actually don't assume I'm gay ( yeah, big shocker huh? lol) and apparently I look stand offish when I'm not speaking so I guess it turns people away. The people who do know I'm gay though don't seem to treat me any differently. Luckily I've never been bullied or treated like something fragile either.
  • BloodFlame

    Posts: 1768

    Dec 15, 2014 1:07 PM GMT
    Yes and no. I'm pretty sure when it did/does happen, it's because of my small build in body so I'm not that surprised.
    But I've also gotten the opposite where some have thought I looked scary and intimidated them (this was mostly in high school). Course, I wasn't trying to be scary but I never really smiled all that much back then lol
  • JNWelcome81

    Posts: 2

    Dec 15, 2014 1:41 PM GMT
    I have been treated differently because I am gay in what I think was/is a good way.

    When I start a new job, women get to know me real fast. And because I am open about my sexuality I let them know that I'm gay. I get this positive expression icon_biggrin.gif they say "I knew it but I did not know if you were out or not". This same situation happens to me in other places than just work for example: When I have time to volunteer, when invited to a party etc...

    The only negativity I can think of comes from my Sister. Her Christian beliefs say that I am choosing to live "this lifestyle" LOL. I choose to be romantically with men and I am rebelling against God.

    Because of all of the discrimination, hate, getting physically hurt/or killed! "I choose to be gay?" - That is how I respond to her. She still does not get it. I can't change her mind, but it does hurt me knowing that she believes we want see each other in the afterlife because she thinks/knows I will be in hell.

    Anyway, the time will come when we see each other on the other side of this life IN HEAVEN!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Dec 16, 2014 6:36 PM GMT
    Ronar2 said...

    1. So my brother saw me being bullied by another boy. He called me "slanted eyed Chinese". I'm not Chinese, but that was insulting.

    ...


    So why was that insulting? Are you saying being Chinese is less than whatever ethnic group you identify with? He was TRYING to insult you. You can't take offense unless you allow yourself to take offense.

    Your profile indicates you are 5'3" tall and Asian. I would say people are protective of you because your appearance is one of harmlessness, innocence, and fragility.

    Would you prefer people be coarse, uncaring, and mean in their treatment of you?

    There are worse things you could have to endure.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Dec 16, 2014 6:40 PM GMT
    My mom and my grandparents. As supportive as they are of me my mom is very skeptical of boys when they are around me as they think they might do something to harm me. My mother always told me to never trust guys too easily and take some time getting to know them, she told me this is what she told my sister too, it kind of made me chuckle.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Dec 17, 2014 1:00 AM GMT
    Sharkspeare saidYour experiences don't seem to be about you being gay, they seem to all be about you appearing to be quite young and somewhat innocent-looking
    Don't sweat it, the time will come when you wish you still looked as young as you do now



    This.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Dec 17, 2014 10:27 AM GMT
    UndercoverMan said
    Ronar2 said...

    1. So my brother saw me being bullied by another boy. He called me "slanted eyed Chinese". I'm not Chinese, but that was insulting.

    ...


    So why was that insulting? Are you saying being Chinese is less than whatever ethnic group you identify with? He was TRYING to insult you. You can't take offense unless you allow yourself to take offense.

    Your profile indicates you are 5'3" tall and Asian. I would say people are protective of you because your appearance is one of harmlessness, innocence, and fragility.

    Would you prefer people be coarse, uncaring, and mean in their treatment of you?

    There are worse things you could have to endure.

    It wasnt because i think less of chinese. Maybe you dont get this. He made this insulting generalization about asian people and our eyes. If you didnt think that offensive... well then i dont know what to say. Beside i wasnt even hurt that much. I know what my eyes look like. But it was clear that he was trying to insult me.

    And yes it might seem that my post make people think that this situation upset me. But i know those people that i mentioned was just being nice and i'm grateful for that.