Why do most gays give so much importance to virginity and wait for the "right guy" to come along?

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 15, 2014 6:40 PM GMT
    I have seen gay men wait so long for "Mr Perfect" and they just end up lonely and still virgins even at age 40. Do you think most virgins stay virgins because they are way too idealistic or because they have low self esteem?

    Also, what do they mean by right guy anyways? What if that relationship doesn't work and you find another good guy. Would you not have sex with him because you already lost your virginity?
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    Dec 15, 2014 9:38 PM GMT
    pazzy saidon today's episode of "whose puppet is it anyway?".....


    j/k... can't speak for other people but for me, it's about fear because it's the whole dating, fucking and whatever is a brand new concept to me as i've never done it and hearing about the possible fails or bad shit that happens has me scared. i'm NOT waiting for the "right guy" to come along because finding the "right guy" is a matter of really getting to know someone to the point where you fucked them, dated them, get to know them and etc like basically doing a research project. that's for someone who done lost their virginity, is dating, shopping around looking for a serious relationship, husband or whatever. i'm looking more for someone who is willing to understand where my head is at and willing to work with me in that regards if that makes sense. icon_neutral.gif if anything comes out of that where it leads to something else like a dating, friends with benefits situation, relationship and etc, i'm up for it. just hope that they're willing to understand me and work with me and will be willing to do the same.

    i don't want to do some bullshit where some guy and me decide to fuck and then next thing you know, they pull some dirty sanchez shit on me or tearing my asshole apart where i gotta go to the emergency room or trying to rode my dick to the point where they're trying to break it in half or all of a sudden, they're like "we're getting married tomorrow since we had sex because i secretly gave you hiv by poking a hole in the condom". i'm completely inexperienced so of course, i obviously am not going to be the one to make the first move or even be comfortable like that. i also am not a guy that rushes into things either as obviously, i'm inexperienced and scared as fuck.

    omg, I laughed so hard. No one is going to tear your asshole, breh. You are thinking way too much. Do you think so much before leaving your room?
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    Dec 15, 2014 10:22 PM GMT
    I don't know many gay guys that saved themselves for the right one to come along. I can only guess that those guys are in the minority. Most guys I know couldn't wait to get some action and try everything out until they grew up a little, started taking relationships more seriously and settled down a bit.
  • Scalese89

    Posts: 122

    Dec 15, 2014 10:35 PM GMT
    cosmicvyxen saidI have seen gay men wait so long for "Mr Perfect" and they just end up lonely and still virgins even at age 40. Do you think most virgins stay virgins because they are way too idealistic or because they have low self esteem?

    Also, what do they mean by right guy anyways? What if that relationship doesn't work and you find another good guy. Would you not have sex with him because you already lost your virginity?


    Because some people have an ideal of who they're looking for and those people do usually exist in some form or another. I understand people wanting to wait as they may not want to look back with regret in the future. I don't think them being 'virgins' at 40 is the result of them waiting for Mr. Perfect as it is some form of insecurity or personal choice they may have. There is an assumption that this notion of 'waiting' for someone perfect is a product of the heterosexual world but I don't see anything wrong with that in the gay world at all - but maybe that's because I used to be one of those people myself.
  • HottJoe

    Posts: 21366

    Dec 15, 2014 10:39 PM GMT
    Scalese89 said
    cosmicvyxen saidI have seen gay men wait so long for "Mr Perfect" and they just end up lonely and still virgins even at age 40. Do you think most virgins stay virgins because they are way too idealistic or because they have low self esteem?

    Also, what do they mean by right guy anyways? What if that relationship doesn't work and you find another good guy. Would you not have sex with him because you already lost your virginity?


    Because some people have an ideal of who they're looking for and those people do usually exist in some form or another. I understand people wanting to wait as they may not want to look back with regret in the future. I don't think them being 'virgins' at 40 is the result of them waiting for Mr. Perfect as it is some form of insecurity or personal choice they may have. There is an assumption that this notion of 'waiting' for someone perfect is a product of the heterosexual world but I don't see anything wrong with that in the gay world at all - but maybe that's because I used to be one of those people myself.

    That knife cuts both ways. I don't really regret anyone I've slept with, but I regret some missed opportunities with a few guys I had a chance with.icon_redface.gif
  • Scalese89

    Posts: 122

    Dec 15, 2014 11:08 PM GMT
    pazzy said
    Scalese89 said
    cosmicvyxen saidI have seen gay men wait so long for "Mr Perfect" and they just end up lonely and still virgins even at age 40. Do you think most virgins stay virgins because they are way too idealistic or because they have low self esteem?

    Also, what do they mean by right guy anyways? What if that relationship doesn't work and you find another good guy. Would you not have sex with him because you already lost your virginity?


    Because some people have an ideal of who they're looking for and those people do usually exist in some form or another. I understand people wanting to wait as they may not want to look back with regret in the future. I don't think them being 'virgins' at 40 is the result of them waiting for Mr. Perfect as it is some form of insecurity or personal choice they may have. There is an assumption that this notion of 'waiting' for someone perfect is a product of the heterosexual world but I don't see anything wrong with that in the gay world at all - but maybe that's because I used to be one of those people myself.


    when you say that, what exactly do you mean? from what i notice when some people talk about their "ideal man", they usually talk about their dream guy which always starts with him looking like whatever, having x height, having this size dick, having such job, being this far out the closet, what type of job he has, what car he drives and whatever else. basically some fantasy shit. it's never about who's out there but more of the man that only exist in their head or someone who's straight.

    that's why that whole waiting for the "right guy" shit doesn't make sense, at least to me it doesn't.


    and if a guy is a 40 year old virgin or been a virgin for a long ass time, he probably is scared of sex or has some social phobia going on where he hasn't allowed himself to go there. if dude was waiting for mr. perfect where he had to hold his virginity up like that, he's probably a real narcissist that has some serious entitlement issues like elliot rodgers. someone who is extremely overpicky and delusional.


    For some people this ideal is a product of their imagination but for others, they're modelling it on something they are physically but also mentally attracted to. I think that an ideal only really makes sense to the beholder. Some people never find theirs, others are married to them. I don't think that waiting is a bad idea, it just depends how realistic one is about finding this person and what they are expecting out of it. If waiting makes them happy then so be it.

    However, I see where you are coming from in terms of Mr. Right as a myth - because for some people, nobody will ever live up to this 'ideal' that they are looking for. That is not to say that they should give up on looking for it though. People can have fun along the way, as long as they are realistic about the chances of them finding this particular kind of person.


  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 15, 2014 11:16 PM GMT
    pazzy said
    Scalese89 said
    cosmicvyxen saidI have seen gay men wait so long for "Mr Perfect" and they just end up lonely and still virgins even at age 40. Do you think most virgins stay virgins because they are way too idealistic or because they have low self esteem?

    Also, what do they mean by right guy anyways? What if that relationship doesn't work and you find another good guy. Would you not have sex with him because you already lost your virginity?


    Because some people have an ideal of who they're looking for and those people do usually exist in some form or another. I understand people wanting to wait as they may not want to look back with regret in the future. I don't think them being 'virgins' at 40 is the result of them waiting for Mr. Perfect as it is some form of insecurity or personal choice they may have. There is an assumption that this notion of 'waiting' for someone perfect is a product of the heterosexual world but I don't see anything wrong with that in the gay world at all - but maybe that's because I used to be one of those people myself.


    when you say that, what exactly do you mean? from what i notice when some people talk about their "ideal man", they usually talk about their dream guy which always starts with him looking like whatever, having x height, having this size dick, having such job, being this far out the closet, what type of job he has, what car he drives and whatever else. basically some fantasy shit. it's never about who's out there but more of the man that only exist in their head or someone who's straight.

    that's why that whole waiting for the "right guy" shit doesn't make sense, at least to me it doesn't.


    and if a guy is a 40 year old virgin or been a virgin for a long ass time, he probably is scared of sex or has some social phobia going on where he hasn't allowed himself to go there. if dude was waiting for mr. perfect where he had to hold his virginity up like that, he's probably a real narcissist that has some serious entitlement issues like elliot rodgers. someone who is extremely overpicky and delusional.


    Bingo!

    That is exactly what I don't get. Why do some gays waste time chasing for pipe dreams? How can you want someone perfect when you aren't perfect yourself? Staying virgin because of shyness, fear of sex performance or just not having time is OK but staying virgin because you want your first experience to be with a wealthy muscular stud with a neat car? Ugh

  • Destinharbor

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    Dec 15, 2014 11:22 PM GMT
    Fear and/or socially inept. There's no reason to "save" yourself. Makes no sense. After about 22 anyway. Mr. Perfect will never appear if you're so socially withdrawn that you can't handle yourself in a mature, adult environment, which includes sex. Now you don't have to be a slut, either, but this childish notion of "saving yourself" is just a front for not getting in the game.
  • HottJoe

    Posts: 21366

    Dec 15, 2014 11:27 PM GMT
    Destinharbor saidFear and/or socially inept. There's no reason to "save" yourself. Makes no sense. After about 22 anyway. Mr. Perfect will never appear if you're so socially withdrawn that you can't handle yourself in a mature, adult environment, which includes sex. Now you don't have to be a slut, either, but this childish notion of "saving yourself" is just a front for not getting in the game.

    Translation: Line up, cause I can pop cherries all day long.icon_cool.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 15, 2014 11:35 PM GMT
    Destinharbor saidFear and/or socially inept. There's no reason to "save" yourself. Makes no sense. After about 22 anyway. Mr. Perfect will never appear if you're so socially withdrawn that you can't handle yourself in a mature, adult environment, which includes sex. Now you don't have to be a slut, either, but this childish notion of "saving yourself" is just a front for not getting in the game.



    Agreed
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    Dec 16, 2014 2:43 AM GMT
    I think it's because a lot of guys grow up not having any opportunities to act on it when they are younger, or spending a lot of time denying that they actually have that attraction. Plus depending on where you are when you are younger there may be a lot less opportunity to act on it. So these things add up and have a multiplicative effect.

    As they get older, they still have some fear that they don't want to act on, or don't quite know how to act on, or aren't quite ready to admit to themselves that they want it, etc. Eventually, the mindset becomes "Well I've waited this long, I don't want this wait to be for nothing, I would feel terrible if I waited all this time and then had a shitty first experience. Since I've waited this long, I'll just wait longer until everything is just perfect."

    Since nothing is ever perfect, they will probably just keep waiting, and the longer they wait, the more ideal of a sex situation they will require to justify the longer and longer wait.

    The sad thing is that a lot of first time sexual encounters aren't great, because it takes practice and confidence to really get good at something. I'm glad i stoped waiting when I did and went through with it, so that now I know what i'm doing and know what I like, and had a lot of fun in the mean time instead of waiting for hte perfect situation. If I had, I'd still be a virgin and missed out on a lot of amazing ... "practice" for hte right guy! Just my opinion though!
  • Destinharbor

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    Dec 16, 2014 3:00 AM GMT
    pazzy said
    Destinharbor saidFear and/or socially inept. There's no reason to "save" yourself. Makes no sense. After about 22 anyway. Mr. Perfect will never appear if you're so socially withdrawn that you can't handle yourself in a mature, adult environment, which includes sex. Now you don't have to be a slut, either, but this childish notion of "saving yourself" is just a front for not getting in the game.


    to be the devil's advocate... what do you have to say to the guys that basically lie or deceive the first timers that they only intended to fuck and not doing anything else by telling them beforehand how they want to date them, play along then as soon as they fuck one time or two, they up and leave them??? no words, just simply block them off their phone and whatever. let's not front like those types of guys aren't out there. actually, hear way too much about them.

    i can see why a dude would be fearful though especially IF he's never had sex, been romantic or done anything intimate with another man before.

    I hear you, but like the old saying "No balls, no blue chips." Ya gotta screw up the nerve and trust yourself to have judged the guy correctly and then do it. You'll be nervous. Just trust yourself. Even if he turns out to be a player, you use the experience to learn and try again. If a horse throws you off, you climb back on and get better. Basic rule of success.
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    Dec 16, 2014 3:03 AM GMT
    pazzy said
    i don't want to do some bullshit where some guy and me decide to fuck and then next thing you know, they pull some dirty sanchez shit on me or tearing my asshole apart where i gotta go to the emergency room or trying to rode my dick to the point where they're trying to break it in half or all of a sudden, they're like "we're getting married tomorrow since we had sex because i secretly gave you hiv by poking a hole in the condom". i'm completely inexperienced so of course, i obviously am not going to be the one to make the first move or even be comfortable like that. i also am not a guy that rushes into things either as obviously, i'm inexperienced and scared as fuck.


    wow....what?? icon_eek.gif

    also...you don't have to be scared, sex is fun! And you don't have to jump into rough anal sex. Why not something low key like just strokin each other off.
  • theonewhoknoc...

    Posts: 713

    Dec 16, 2014 3:08 AM GMT
    pazzy said
    Destinharbor saidFear and/or socially inept. There's no reason to "save" yourself. Makes no sense. After about 22 anyway. Mr. Perfect will never appear if you're so socially withdrawn that you can't handle yourself in a mature, adult environment, which includes sex. Now you don't have to be a slut, either, but this childish notion of "saving yourself" is just a front for not getting in the game.


    to be the devil's advocate... what do you have to say to the guys that basically lie or deceive the first timers that they only intended to fuck and not doing anything else by telling them beforehand how they want to date them, play along then as soon as they fuck one time or two, they up and leave them??? no words, just simply block them off their phone and whatever. let's not front like those types of guys aren't out there. actually, hear way too much about them.

    i can see why a dude would be fearful though especially IF he's never had sex, been romantic or done anything intimate with another man before.


    That's why I prefer guys around the same intellectual level as I am. I rather learn together with someone equally inexperienced than risk being another notch on some player's bedpost.
  • HndsmKansan

    Posts: 16311

    Dec 16, 2014 3:11 AM GMT
    Doesn't make much sense to be sure. I think so long as there is some physical attraction, a real sense of understanding the other guy and being on the same page with views of life and goals makes the most sense.

    Waiting will only end in failure. Enjoy what life has to offer!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 16, 2014 3:18 AM GMT
    Until I became involved with RJ I never knew ANY Guy, Gay or Straight, who truly wanted to hold on to virginity.

    Speaking for Myself, I couldn't WAIT to get started!!!

    But it is ultimately a very personal decision and should be respected by all.
  • HndsmKansan

    Posts: 16311

    Dec 16, 2014 3:23 AM GMT
    [quote][cite]Cash said[/cite]

    Speaking for Myself, I couldn't WAIT to get started!!!


    Well if you were here, I'd suggest you get started right now!! haha

    icon_lol.gif

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    Dec 16, 2014 3:33 AM GMT
    HndsmKansan said[quote][cite]Cash said[/cite]

    Speaking for Myself, I couldn't WAIT to get started!!!


    Well if you were here, I'd suggest you get started right now!! haha

    icon_lol.gif



    No "suggestion" would be required...

    icon_twisted.gificon_twisted.gificon_twisted.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 16, 2014 7:20 PM GMT
    My first question is where could you meet these mystical creatures? I have met very few gay men who are "saving themeselves". Gay culture promotes the sexual hunter as the standard by which we all re support
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    Dec 16, 2014 8:20 PM GMT
    Sydneyrugbyjock73 saidMy first question is where could you meet these mystical creatures? I have met very few gay men who are "saving themeselves". Gay culture promotes the sexual hunter as the standard by which we all re support


    I also wondered where the OP came up with his premises, as it seems to be completely contrary to reality.
  • craycraydoesd...

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    Dec 16, 2014 9:20 PM GMT
    It's all about self interest. LTR oriented guys complain that gays are too slutty. Sluts complain that the gays are too pious
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    Dec 16, 2014 10:37 PM GMT
    sf_swimmer said
    Sydneyrugbyjock73 saidMy first question is where could you meet these mystical creatures? I have met very few gay men who are "saving themeselves". Gay culture promotes the sexual hunter as the standard by which we all re support


    I also wondered where the OP came up with his premises, as it seems to be completely contrary to reality.

    Out of his head, it would seem. From all the gay men I have met over the years, none fit the OP's description. I would say there are very few in the real world in that category who aren't younger than 20 or so, and they are all here on RJ.
  • HottJoe

    Posts: 21366

    Dec 17, 2014 1:04 AM GMT
    crazycrazydoesdoes saidIt's all about self interest. LTR oriented guys complain that gays are too slutty. Sluts complain that the gays are too pious

    I HATE being called pious, but I always get a little chuckle out of all you tramps calling me slutty.icon_lol.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 26, 2014 7:08 AM GMT
    I'm pretty LTR oriented, but I always just assumed I would have to put out in order to land a boyfriend. So long story short, Mr. Right did not take my virginity. icon_rolleyes.gif
  • SilverRRCloud

    Posts: 873

    Dec 26, 2014 3:04 PM GMT
    I have come across a few guys who were living their lives on hold for the proverbial Mr. Right.

    They would go out and socialize, have drinks, watch other dudes score (or not), and go home alone still waiting. Until they woke up and realized that life was passing them by.

    Quite a few people are sexually negative. A few guys out there are actually functionally asexual. Being either one of those in the culture of a group which mostly revolves around sex is not a small task.

    So, whatever narrative comes first or suits you best gets used to explain why are you still in the holding pattern.

    In real life, very few men expect their fellow adult males to be virgins. As a matter of fact, very few str8 males expect their GFs and wives to be virgins these days. The value an average Joe of whatever sexual orientation is attaching to virginity is pretty low these days.

    Hence, there is no reason for anyone, least of all a gay man to save his virginity for anyone in particular. Sure, if anyone in particular chooses to do so, well, more power to him. He would do himself a great service by looking deep into the reasons for his behavior, and calling them for what these really are.

    Calling the things their true names is beginning of the wisdom.

    SC