question for you guys in an LTR:

  • rnch

    Posts: 11524

    Jan 19, 2009 2:34 PM GMT
    how/when did you know he was "the one" to spend a long time/the rest of your life with?
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    Jan 19, 2009 3:08 PM GMT
    I personally never had a single moment where I said "this guy is the one". Even the strongest relationships have there ups and downs, those periods where you wonder whether if it is going to survive.

    In my present relationship which is now 11+ years, we have both made the effort to communicate and solve our issues together. In my prior relationships, either I was not mature enough to do that, and/or I did not feel the person and I had enough in common to do that.

    Unfortunately we all (gay and straight) think that relationships should be "easy", all you have to do is love the person. They are anything but easy, because they force you to examine who you are and make compromises. They also force you to communicate honestly with another human being on an emotional level which is very difficult for males, and especially difficult for males from WASP families like mine.
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    Jan 19, 2009 3:25 PM GMT
    These Sammy Cahn lyrics, to a Jule Styne melody, explain a different problem I have:

    I Fall In Love Too Easily

    There are those who can leave love or take it
    Love to them is just what they make it
    I wish that I were the same
    But love is my fav'rite game

    I fall in love too easily
    I fall in love too fast
    I fall in love too terribly hard
    For love to ever last

    My heart should be well-schooled
    'Cause I've been burned in the past
    And still I fall in love too easily
    I fall in love too fast


    Fortunately, of all my too-many loves, a couple stuck, prolly just dumb luck. I tried loving women, too, when I thought I was straight, and wanted to be straight. None of them worked at all, but with men I can feel the very intense love that I never experienced with women.

    I don't buy that strong emotional attachments are difficult for men, or that they can't truly love other men. It's the only kind of real love I've ever known.
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    Jan 19, 2009 3:26 PM GMT

    "how/when did you know he was "the one" to spend a long time/the rest of your life with?"

    I asked this same question to Mom and Dad about a week into knowing Bill.

    Mom: "If you can use his toothbrush, you're in love with him."

    Dad: "Look, you're already thinking this, so ask yourself this just before the next time you see him. When you see him, you'll know right away depending on how you feel right then."

    So I went off to meet Bill that day after work at his office. I felt close to nauseous - afraid of what I would feel, afraid I'd feel little, afraid I'd feel too much. There he was, in a ragged sweater dusted with dandruff, his hair flat-ish and slightly greasy from a long stressful day, his face flushed, a smile on his face to see me. There was a momentary deep pause as though all the clocks stopped. I went deaf for a moment. Internal silence. Then a sense of familiarity, warmth, comfort, and a small sure stabbing surge of excitement. Words are difficult here, sorry. I felt like a baby, helpless before this odd mix of lust/caring/surprise, putting-on-a-well-fitting-old-shoe sensation. This was replaced by a feeling of giddy-ness. And somewhere inside me, a little voice went, "Yep."

  • Timbales

    Posts: 13993

    Jan 19, 2009 3:27 PM GMT
    it's a feeling that grows, like dread or a fungus
  • swimbikerun

    Posts: 2835

    Jan 19, 2009 4:02 PM GMT
    rnch saidhow/when did you know he was "the one" to spend a long time/the rest of your life with?
    There never is a single moment, only a series of moments of growing together (or apart, which is why I'm single,lol).

    I constantly strive to grow, and a life partner should strive for growth too. Hopefully, with effort and luck, you'll grow together.

    2211579257_5e6e6024fd.jpg?v=0

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    Jan 19, 2009 4:05 PM GMT
    I knew the day I met him that there was something special about him. When we met again about 4 months later, it took a week of interacting with him before I fell in love - hard.
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    Jan 19, 2009 4:12 PM GMT
    I realize this may be a sappy thing, but for me, we spent every day together since the first day we met. After several days of this, and some tears shed... it was screaming clear - HELLO soulmate... so to speak.

    It has been my observation that in my circle of friends and family, the same circumstances have applied. YOU DO NOT have to spend everyday together to figure out someone is the one. But what a bonus if that's the situation.
  • HndsmKansan

    Posts: 16311

    Jan 19, 2009 4:28 PM GMT
    For me it wasn't a moment that I knew that I wanted to continue a relationship with my bf..... it was new and exciting and he was trustworthy, sincere and we had(have) a number of things in common. While we have issues, there are for more reasons to continue the relationship.... some of which I get reminded of when I see how other gay couples treat each other,
    which isn't so positive.
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    Jan 19, 2009 6:53 PM GMT
    We've only dated a year, so I wouldn't call it a LTR, but.....

    When I had to take him to the emergency room and we didn't know what was wrong. At one point the doctors said the possibility of cancer because of a couple of symptoms. I realized I couldn't bear the thought of not having him in the world, and that's when I knew. Fortunately, it was his appendix but they wheeled him into surgery while I ran to the cafeteria, so I didn't get to say goodbye. I was scared something would happen during surgery. At the same time, I had to meet his parents at the hospital and tell them what was going on and their English isn't the best (plus it was the first time I'd met them). They've had a hard time accepting his sexuality, but all of a sudden I became a member of the family because I spent every day at the hospital and took care of him when he came home. The power went out the second night he was home and we wound up hanging out by candlelight. The super ran a cord from the hallway so we could plug in the TV and the refrigerator. I'll always remember that night.

    As soon as he got well, I had to leave for a month because my dad had a cancerous growth removed. We both cried when I left and on the phone several times when I was away.

    We had our first disagreement in quite a while Saturday night and for me, it seemed like a minor bump in the road. In previous relationships, I always started to wonder during arguments if this thing was going to last. Plus, when I was mad at him, I kept thinking how adorable he looked and it was hard to stay mad!
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    Jan 19, 2009 7:08 PM GMT
    Mch:” how/when did you know he was "the one" to spend a long time/the rest of your life with?”

    I have to admit that luck brought us together, and it was love at first sight. We really enjoyed being together, not just for the great things we were doing, but because we genuinely wanted to be with each other. I knew at that point that he was different. We ended up lovers, partners and each other’s best friends.

    You’re right SurealLife: relationships are hard work, lots of compromise, and can’t be taken for granted. Yet, I can’t help feeling the same way as meninlove does when my hubby walks in the door. Even after fifteen years, I still get this “odd mix of lust/caring/surprise, putting-on-a-well-fitting-old-shoe sensation”.

    So not just one moment, but a series a re-affirming moments that comes out through the normal ups and downs any relationship goes through. That genuine desire of being together is still very real. I have kissed enough frogs in my lifetime to know that I’m very lucky.
  • txsin

    Posts: 34

    Jan 19, 2009 7:15 PM GMT
    Timberoo saidit's a feeling that grows, like dread or a fungus


    So true, it's been 4 years now for me and my bf. When I met him I knew I liked him and at first didn't want to go out with him but firgured why not... Four years later still together and wouldn't have it any other way.
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    Jan 19, 2009 9:07 PM GMT
    i'm getting out of a 20 year relationship. ALL THINGS MUST PAST
  • Timbales

    Posts: 13993

    Jan 19, 2009 9:14 PM GMT
    Alpha13 saidi'm getting out of a 20 year relationship. ALL THINGS MUST PAST


    that must be rough
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    Jan 19, 2009 9:19 PM GMT
    It's been fifteen years for me, and while it was definitely lust at first site, the realization that he was "the one" came gradually. I'd had relationships before, and put a lot of energy into worrying about the future and how long they would last. With Trey, that didn't happen. I just took each day as it came, counted my blessing I was with him, and now it's incredible to look back and see how long we've been together. It's like 75 in straight years, lol.

    What I have learned? Talk to each other, often. Respect each other, always. Kiss each other goodnight. Good luck to you :-)


  • wander2340

    Posts: 176

    Jan 19, 2009 9:26 PM GMT
    I had made a list of qualities that I found appealing and rated them by how close the person would be to being "the one". At the top of the list was that they had seen and loved the film Babette's Feast. It's an obscure foreign film so it was unlikely I would meet an awesome guy who had seen it. But, then I did.

    We've now been together for over 10 years. Our family grew when a young mom from a terrible background chose us (over many fantastic straight couples) to adopt her newborn twins. She said that more than anything else she wanted her kids to be happy and we looked like the happiest family at the adoption agency. The twins are now 4 and the love and happiness keeps growing everyday.

    I know it's a little too sappy for RealJock but hey you asked icon_smile.gif
  • Latenight30

    Posts: 1525

    Jan 19, 2009 9:35 PM GMT
    I came over and never left. He never kicked me out and now we've had 5 homes in 7 years and moved accross the country and back. I wasn't looking for it when I found it, but now I know what I have. Even thru the worst of times we've stood as a team, like my parents did and thats what has made it successful.
    Is everyday I love you.. mushy mushy, no it's not. Somedays it's far from that. But the good always out weights the less good.
    I hope everyone finds happiness.
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    Jan 19, 2009 11:37 PM GMT
    wander2340 saidI had made a list of qualities that I found appealing and rated them by how close the person would be to being "the one". At the top of the list was that they had seen and loved the film Babette's Feast. It's an obscure foreign film so it was unlikely I would meet an awesome guy who had seen it. But, then I did.


    I'm still trying to get my boyfriend to watch that movie! I know he'll love it when he does.
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    Jan 20, 2009 4:16 AM GMT
    Sometimes life leads you to a place, and there you meet someone. He steals the breathe from your body when your eyes meet. You just know that destiny has put the two of you in that place at the same time to be with each other. You strike up a conversation and then the bonds of friendship start to form. At least that's how I like to think it happened.

    We never had a fire place but we did curl up in front of a 13 inch black and white tv monitor in an upstairs attic apartment, and yes we did go to Paris on our 5th anniversary. I remember the first time I met him at the airport JFK after talking for months on the internet, my heart was racing, I was standing there with a dozen roses in my hand, When he came through customs I thought he was a god. It did not matter to me if he was fit or muscular. What mattered to me was his smile and his inner soul. We had the most fantastic two weeks getting to know each other. When it was time for him to leave, I watched as he walked away to his plane. He turned the corner and was gone. I just stayed hoping for a glimpse of him once again. He did not disappoint me. He came back around the corner and there I was waiting to wave to him and he to me. We performed this ritual 4 more times until it was the last call for boarding. I waited another 20 minutes until the plane departed. He came back two weeks later, and we were together for 11 wonderful years.

    He was 25 and I was 46 when we met. In this last year we grew apart. He joined this sight a year ago and did a fantastic job of losing weight to get himself in shape. I did not do as well. He pulled himself out of a ritual eating frenzy that we had gotten into. He looks totally hot now (but I always thought he did even when he was heavy).

    We are apart now but I will always have the memories of a life I shared with this man who won my heart.

    I know the question said for you guys in a LTR, but I just wanted to share with you how I once upon a time knew when I met the love of my life.

  • riverrunner

    Posts: 48

    Jan 22, 2009 3:20 AM GMT
    Funny but I think when we first met. I just knew and it has been 9 years. I can't say it has always been great but it seems right.