Why can't I get over the guy I barely dated?

  • williamgeo

    Posts: 19

    Dec 18, 2014 11:50 PM GMT
    I dated a guy for a brief period about 3 months ago. He'd only just come out to his family and most of his friends didn't know. I was the first guy he ever dated and 'kissed in a public place'.

    He was so into me at the start and I fell for him really quick. After a few weeks he lost interest, broke things off with me and ever since I've been a mess. I accept that I was just a trial run for him and he wants to go and see if there's something better out there (don't buy the first one you see) but I've been on dates with 6 guys since, all of which have really liked me but I just can't get over the guy I had my heart set on. There was a brief period where he started texting me again but I said we should stop as I didn't just want to be friends.

    I'm doing everything right - I never text him, I don't check his Facebook, I spend a lot of time working out, focusing on making myself a better person and I'm seeing other guys too, but every night when I get into bed I think about him and just want to cry. It's been 10 weeks since I've seen him and it still hurts so much. We were only seeing each other for 5 weeks.

    Sometimes I go to text him but then I imagine how I'd feel if he told me he has a boyfriend now and it stops me. Time doesn't seem to be helping, nor does cutting him out...it actually seems to be making it worse. What can I do? Is there anything I can do?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Dec 18, 2014 11:52 PM GMT
    the heart wants what the hearts wants. or maybe youre just obsessed. anyways when someone better comes along you will forget about him.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Dec 19, 2014 12:45 AM GMT
    Three months isn't long enough.
  • AnonymousNYC

    Posts: 60

    Dec 19, 2014 1:42 AM GMT
    Aww our stories r similiar except mine was 8 months.. Best way to get over a guy is get under a new one
    Easier said than done
  • dennissis

    Posts: 18

    Dec 19, 2014 7:23 AM GMT
    Actually, I just logged in to Realjock to share a similar experience. I feel you friend!
  • SENCGuy1

    Posts: 247

    Dec 19, 2014 12:20 PM GMT
    When you find out the answer, please let me know.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Dec 19, 2014 1:31 PM GMT
    I admire your restraint in not contacting the guy. That is definitely a smart move not to maintain contact. Sounds like you are thinking about him a LOT. I would try to really closely monitor how and when you are thinking about him and when you notice it, find something else to redirect your thoughts. The minute you realize you are thinking about him, start an activity you enjoy, call a friend, read a book, whatever it is, do something to refocus. Start visualizing in clear detail what a happy future for you looks like. What would a happy relationship with someone else look like? What would a really great date with another really hot guy be like? Allow yourself to envision a future without him that isn't miserable.

    There was something unique about this guy that made you fall for him. Don't go on dates with other guys just to go. You'll just continue to be disappointed and it will make you feel hopeless. You might be breaking a lot of boys' hearts in the process, too. Go out with guys you might really be interested in or just spend time with friends.

    You'll get over this. You are young and there are tons of hot studs out there that you are going to fall for deeply. Don't stand around waiting, live your life fully and they will show up.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Dec 19, 2014 5:15 PM GMT
    SENCGuy1 saidWhen you find out the answer, please let me know.


    The answer is simple. It's because at the moment you don't want too. Throw yourself into activities and soon enough the feelings of loss and rejection will subside.
  • Iakona

    Posts: 367

    Dec 19, 2014 5:22 PM GMT
    Always the hardest thing trying to replace a guy you are really into with another one. Only thing that you can do is give it time.... A lot of guys don't have that patience, but putting your time into activities, friends and family is the best thing to do....then when you least expect it, some guy is going to sweep ya off your feet...it will happen! icon_biggrin.gif
  • williamgeo

    Posts: 19

    Dec 19, 2014 6:02 PM GMT
    PatrickRyan saidI admire your restraint in not contacting the guy. That is definitely a smart move not to maintain contact. Sounds like you are thinking about him a LOT. I would try to really closely monitor how and when you are thinking about him and when you notice it, find something else to redirect your thoughts. The minute you realize you are thinking about him, start an activity you enjoy, call a friend, read a book, whatever it is, do something to refocus. Start visualizing in clear detail what a happy future for you looks like. What would a happy relationship with someone else look like? What would a really great date with another really hot guy be like? Allow yourself to envision a future without him that isn't miserable.

    There was something unique about this guy that made you fall for him. Don't go on dates with other guys just to go. You'll just continue to be disappointed and it will make you feel hopeless. You might be breaking a lot of boys' hearts in the process, too. Go out with guys you might really be interested in or just spend time with friends.

    You'll get over this. You are young and there are tons of hot studs out there that you are going to fall for deeply. Don't stand around waiting, live your life fully and they will show up.


    Thank you for this. You've put it better than any of my dear friends have managed to. That's good advice about envisaging my future without him as a happy one and not as a miserable one.

    There are lots of things that get me thinking about him. I just can't see myself wanting anyone else right now. Wish I could put my finger on what it was about him that I loved so much.

    SUCKS.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Dec 19, 2014 6:04 PM GMT
    People can be pretty fickle when it comes to dating and I always believed feelings are fleeting so it generally comes with the territory of dating. I wish I had good advice to because I get over being dumped quickly but that's because I'm pretty slow paced in dating so if I'm dumped within a few months it doesn't mean much because that was most likely the infatuation phase
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Dec 19, 2014 6:15 PM GMT
    "he was so into me at the start and I fell for him really quick"

    That's the root of whats going on here bud....that flipped your switch. He then changed his mind for some crazy reason, being a newbie on the "out" market explains a lot.

    You're an incredibly HOTT dude....you should have no trouble recovering, but it takes time. Take the advice here but move on....as hard as that seems now...but you must.

    At some point your paths may cross again - things may be different (I hope for YOU!) and you will be better for it.

    I've been down this road before.....it can be as ugly as YOU MAKE it.

    I wish you well.
  • bro4bro

    Posts: 1034

    Dec 19, 2014 6:24 PM GMT
    Five weeks is not a lot of time to get to know someone. How many days did you actually spend together?

    I'm guessing you didn't really know him, and a lot of how you feel about him is your own fantasy of who he was. So, of course he's impossible to get over - because in your fantasy he was perfect. And who could possibly compete with a perfect guy?

    If you can convince yourself that he wasn't actually the person you fantasized him to be, it will probably be easier to let go.

    Admittedly though, I don't have much personal experience in handling this. Luckily (?) a childhood and adolescence filled with brutal rejection has left me with a very handy defense mechanism: as soon as I feel even a little bit rejected, I immediately lose all interest. It's one of those double-edged swords...
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Dec 19, 2014 6:43 PM GMT
    bro4bro said... Luckily (?) a childhood and adolescence filled with brutal rejection has left me with a very handy defense mechanism: as soon as I feel even a little bit rejected, I immediately lose all interest. It's one of those double-edged swords...


    Double-edged sword is right...icon_cry.gif
  • Destinharbor

    Posts: 4435

    Dec 19, 2014 7:38 PM GMT
    Ya, time. But seriously, and I know it sounds gratuitous, but have some random sex. It gets your mind off him and gets you laughing again. It doesn't have to be any big deal, just a nice guy. You be nice to him and he'll be nice to you. Kind of resets the mind that life is still good.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Dec 19, 2014 8:07 PM GMT
    This will happen no matter how old or mature you are.

    I was dating a guy for awhile last year. The sex was awesome! 5x a week, over 3 months. Big, built bottom with tats and a mischievous grin. He told me how he compartmentalized his life, why he was secretive, and blah, blah blah.

    He did me a favor. He was hiding more than he was alluding to....as I found out later. Let it go. There is a reason, if not, don't burn bridges, who knows he could be back in your life for some reason or another.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Dec 19, 2014 8:17 PM GMT
    You don't really know someone after only 5 weeks. You've probably constructed an idea of him that isn't real, and that's why you're so hung up on someone seemingly perfect.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Dec 19, 2014 8:39 PM GMT
    For me it seems that the source of your worried/uncalm/distract/fluster heart is that you don't know the reason why he left you or choose not to communicate with you. Maybe he decided to be with a girl (as you said that most of his friend didn't know that he is gay) or he might just wanted to try what it feels like to be with a man. Anyone can calm me crazy but maybe only you need is just to chat with him or to meet with him and to find out what is bothering you (i mean all those questions why? what? when? and so on). And finally maybe he was only kind and showing his good side (good listener, smile a lot, agree with most of the things and even when he disagree with you he might just let it pass because he didn't want to fight with you) when he was with you, and meeting him would show his true action/ feelings/thoughts (which might me same or different) and if he acts different (i mean you would or should notice it for sure it;s not that hard) this might me enough to trigger the switch off button for affection which he put on you.

    Damn I'm much better than I'm talking because most of the time my hands doesn't keep up with my thoughts icon_biggrin.gif Well hope you will get it. And stay strong!
  • Destinharbor

    Posts: 4435

    Dec 19, 2014 8:50 PM GMT
    Is this the same guy, the lawyer, that you lost when you decided to play it cool?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Dec 19, 2014 10:07 PM GMT
    If you don't get over it and move on, you won't be ready for the next guy, who might actually you.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Dec 19, 2014 10:40 PM GMT
    I've gone through this. Everyone is different but for me, chatting with other guys, dating other guys as well as staying active goes a long, long way. It's hard for the mind to concentrate on two things at once and so spending time with other people and maximizing healthy distractions can help keep your mind off of someone. Sometimes, people leave an emptiness behind and so you need to fill that emptiness with other things.

    The other thing that may be playing into your depression is guilt. Guilt for letting yourself fall for someone who hurt you, guilt for feeling hurt at all or shame for not being over it already or not seeing the signs. If so, I would counter this feeling by saying that you should never feel guilty about opening yourself to love man. You're human, that's why it hurts. But you'll heal. In 2 years, you won't even remember the guy's name, the brain is that awesome.

    Keep your head up.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Dec 20, 2014 1:08 AM GMT
    Think for a moment what was it that makes you continue to think about him. Was it his great smile, the way he paid attention to every word you said, his great body, his ability to kiss, the sex, the possibility that he was a new gay recently out and was just experimenting and he was initially intrigued by the events that unfolded between the two of you? What was it specifically that you liked? Now take this and apply it to your next date. You obviously found something that captured your attention. I'm not saying every date must measure up to him, but now you have found what you like in a man. Good for you. In regards to continue to think about him, I'm afraid, you can't force someone else to like you. That is a fact. You need to move on and continue to be yourself. In due time, it too will pass. You will find someone that is even better. Trust me, if he thinks about you as much as you think about him, then you will be meant for one another. Else, it was good while it lasted. Now bon voyage...get back out there.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Dec 20, 2014 2:01 AM GMT
    Therapy. You can start now, and when you see the charge on your credit card you'll find another motivation to forget about him.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Dec 20, 2014 5:53 AM GMT
    Most gay men are fickle and like to play games? This guy you liked or even loved, I feel like it's only a 1 way street on your end. You probably got your ego hurt and can't get over that. As far as loving him, I don't think it was love, maybe an infatuation. He's like a kid in a candy store, just newly out. Let him be, you need to find a man that is more relationship-oriented and out longer.
  • AMoonHawk

    Posts: 11406

    Dec 20, 2014 6:01 AM GMT
    Stop trying to find a bf ... one will come along when he does ... don't text... call him and say you just wanted to see how he was doing. He probably won't answer so practice a short message to leave him ... but don't call him again because then he'll think you're stalking him