3 Stages: Rejection & Staying Friends & Total Loss

  • dennissis

    Posts: 18

    Dec 19, 2014 8:13 AM GMT
    Feeling pretty messed up in the last 3 days due to a recent break-up (and my first break-up actually) I have experienced. I just wanna shout out what happened, hoping that this share and resulting comments will help me to get through this period a little faster.

    I have been in the closet for a long time (until the age of 27 actually). Finally, getting my gut together and starting to date, my first dates have been complete failures with no feelings involved. Then, early July, I met this guy and we started dating 1-2 times a week. No sex, just small intimate moments and lots and lots of events shared until the end of August. I totally fall for him during this period, didn't even try to hide my fast growing feelings. He always told that he likes taking things slow, and at some point, where I directly shared my feelings, he used the "I want to stay friends" card. At the time, his excuse was that he was still not over his last relationship, and doesn't feel ready for a new relationship and needed time -- which I behaved understanding.

    I loved him so much that I told I was fine with staying friends, which was probably the worst mistake that I made in this relationship. Lack of experience. I just tried to be close to him, even though he clearly rejected me. I have no idea why I did that: May be a hope to start something if I stay around long enough? I think the only reason is because being around him did make me happy. However, he got more and more ignorant especially after September.

    This Monday, he texted me in response to my simple "How are you?" message of the previous night. With some conversation, he told that he is dating someone since October, and things started to get a bit serious in the last few weeks (e.g., driving for 1.5 hours after work in the traffic to see him). I guess I was waiting for this moment to be crushed to end this thing.

    After 2 blank hours of getting my shit together, I texted him that, I cannot stay friends with him any more because hearing these news just hurt me each time as much as his ignorance in the last few weeks. I couldn't keep myself from asking "Why not me? What was missing?" question and the answer was something like: "You are a caring and great guy! But the spark wasn't there. Realizing that your feelings are getting strong, and not feeling the same way for you, I just walked away. I know it is a terrible feeling from my experience and I feel bad for giving you this experience, but it is part of the dating as I have learned." I thanked him for getting in & out of my life, and wished him the best, even though that was really tearing my heart apart. I immediately deleted all his contact information, messages, and online communication channels, so that I cannot pursue him any more.

    He was my first true love (even though it is one-sided) and I was not even aware that my heart could have such a great and terrible feeling at the same time. Nothing bad happened in this period, even the break-up was so elegant and thankful to each other. Still, I feel like Tom in "500 days of summer". (spoiler) You know that great ending scene on the bench when Summer says: "It was just not me that you were right about".

    I know this relationship would not go anywhere even if it started. I know there are plenty of fish in the sea, and probably there is someone out there who will make me much more happier in a relationship. Still, knowing these things just doesn't help me to get over this obsession of him, and getting over what has happened (at least for the time being). I am falling into tears when I hear a break-up song on the radio, daydreaming about him, waking up in the middle of the night and cannot go back to sleep thinking of him (and his new date). Thinking him with someone else, and imagining him doing those sacrifices that he never did for me, besides all the love I felt for him, really takes my breath away. I miss the way he smiles after we kiss, the way he talks, his caring and kind nature, the enthusiasm he had on the things about his life. Mornings are worse but it gets better as I work and keep my mind busy with something (I wish the holidays weren't this soon to keep this trend).

    How long does it take to get over these thoughts & feelings? Do you think that dating someone else is the only solution to make this process go faster?

    Thanks for reading this long long message if you managed to reach this line ;)
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 19, 2014 8:42 AM GMT
    Finding the right guy is a long and difficult process. It's normal to have dead ends, like this one, not a lot you can do about it. Patience & perseverance are the strategies that will finally get you the Keeper you want.

    I've always contended that the best way to get over an old love is with a new love. The proviso being to have awareness of the pitfalls of the rebound effect, and that varies with each man, and circumstances of the breakup.

    Some guys take a month or so to get their emotional equilibrium back following a break-up, some much longer. It's a time for recharging your batteries, not charging after every guy you see in the clubs or online, when your judgment may not be at its peak.

    I'd say take a "time-out" for about a month, and forget this guy. He's dating someone else now. Then decide if you feel up to entering the dating fray again. If not, wait a little longer. Most times you know when you're ready.

    But never just give up and walk away because you've been hurt. Expect to be hurt again, before you find lasting happiness. It's how the process works.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 19, 2014 9:24 AM GMT
    dennissis said
    ...He was my first true love...


    Nah, he was your first unrequited love. It happens. If you are willing to learn, it teaches you much.

    Value yourself, even if the guy you want more than anyone does not.

    Trust that you will eventually meet a guy who will love you back just as much as you love him.

    Strength...for what does not break you makes you stronger.

    P.S. Indulge your feelings for a reasonable amount of time and then move on. Dwelling is bad.
  • LuisG_82

    Posts: 37

    Dec 19, 2014 9:28 AM GMT
    I just ended a relationship that last for almost 1 year, and I felt exactly the same as you, insomnia and my mind always busy trying to figure out what he is doing, etc, feeling trapped between those thoughts.

    and first you have to understand that this pain is something normal, you have lost somehow an important person, even if that person is still there, there are few possibilities that you can be with him together again. And if you already noticed that being at work help to think about some other things, then try doing more activities, meet friends, go to the movies, if you feel like dating, try it.

    And in any relationship a problem is not just because one of the parts failed, both members have some responsibility, Check which mistakes you did, and try to understand them and work on them, to be a better person for yourself, not for that guy you lost.
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    Dec 19, 2014 11:34 AM GMT
    This wasn't love, buddy, this was an infatuation. We've all had them, they never end well. Why? Because they're built on our fantasies, not anything like reality. Truth: this guy didn't care about you. So what? Many men will, given a chance.

    Give them a chance. But when you fall---and you will again, I can tell, you're the romantical type---make sure you're falling for HIM, not some idea of him in your head.
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    Dec 19, 2014 1:18 PM GMT
    Sorry you're hurting right now. It's not easy when you invested a lot emotionally in the hopes that this would turn out to be a true relationship. Sounds like he was trying to give you the signals early on that he wasn't into you. It's a hard lesson to learn, but early on you should have made he decision whether you could be just friends, which were the terms he set, or slowly back away and find someone else.

    The rational part of you realizes there are other guys out there. And there are. But your feelings are still stuck on this guy. I hope that maybe in the future you two could be friends once you have resolved some things. The important thing to remember is that you aren't always going to feel the way you feel now. It gets easier. You're probably a little too over-invested in the idea of being in a relationship, possibly due to coming out at a later age. It would serve you well to channel your energies inward and focus on yourself, taking care of yourself, achieving personal goals, committing to self-improvement, finding positive social outlets and spending time exploring your interests. Do that, and the man that is right for you will come along.

    This one person's ability to be romantically interested in you is no way a determination of your value or potential as a person. You'll look back at this a year or two from now and wonder how you even allowed yourself to feel so strongly for this guy.
  • HndsmKansan

    Posts: 16311

    Dec 19, 2014 1:35 PM GMT
    Pretty rough, especially at this time of year. Sorry to hear it. My reaction is to take the time necessary (2 hours probably wasn't it) to really consider this. This was a first experience for you and I think we can all understand the feelings during a break up, especially the first one that meant so much.

    Think about this with a positive spin. Even rough experiences can be very positive. You experienced life at a very basic level, you never that that before and it does happen to all of us. Rise to the occasion, learn from it and when you are ready, move on. We all need some time to grieve, react (even if mad), but at some point, very wise to move on and
    put yourself out there with new activities and focus
    to start your scene anew. We have a new year coming.
    Make the most of it!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 19, 2014 2:43 PM GMT
    put in some some effort to plan out your holidays and keep your self occupied. Buy some new books or rent some movies to read before you go to bed.

    buy a month to month gym membership and see how that goes. Look into changing your diet, take a cooking class in the gay area of town. Address the list of things you should do and most important would like to do.

    It will be a while until you will be able to think for your self. So give it some time, get a grinder account going. Setup on some dating sites but be honest you are dealing with a break up.

    this site is over run with trolls but put up a pic and profile if you want. The member ignore function works well here. For the average guy a few well placed blocks will make the site much more gay.

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    Dec 19, 2014 3:40 PM GMT
    Happens to all of us and there's no way to avoid it. You will look back at this time in your life and see how far you've come. It took me a long time to get over my first love, and I've seen him in my travels over the years. Don't feel any thing for him at all. Plus I no longer have the urge to push him into on coming traffic.icon_lol.gif
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    Dec 19, 2014 4:56 PM GMT
    Write all this stuff down in a journal for future edification. I know this feels very real but it's mostly hormonal. You can reset quickly by getting kissed by another boy ASAP and also hitting the gym. ( heavy weight , low reps) .
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 19, 2014 5:11 PM GMT
    You need a healthy dose of You Will Never Be All Things to All People. Some people will just not be into you other than on a friend level. It seems you guys were good friend material. You should have never deleted his contact info. Good friends are hard to come by in the gay community. I can find lots of guys that want to date or have sex with me. In the four or five years I have been out I have made few friends. At this point, I'd like a few really good gay friends.

    Your feelings of hurt will subside in time and you will wish you kept his friendship.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 19, 2014 6:04 PM GMT
    7 stages of grief:

    1. Denial
    2. Anger

    I just skip the rest of them and go straight to leather.
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    Dec 19, 2014 7:45 PM GMT
    Yea I'm feeling you man. I really do. I had same feelings and same thoughts like you did and probably do now, damn even my actions were pretty darn same it was like i couldn't control my self or should i say i couldn't think clearly. In my opinion there is no other way than keeping your self together and do what ever you do everyday or what ever you like, because time surely do heal the wounds but it all depends on you. For me i got over about in a month or so (probably first week was the worst), and once i admitted that between me and that guy couldn't be anything more but friends, i buckled up and get my shit together. I still am friends with that guy, but he not interesting for me. icon_smile.gif well man wish you luck with your thoughts, feelings and remember that with time it will hurt less and at some point your switch will trigger off for that guy and you will be able to look at him as a friend or in other scenario don't think about him at all. he will fade away from your mind like water in desert. Stay strong!
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    Dec 19, 2014 7:48 PM GMT
    Alpha13 said ... also hitting the gym. ( heavy weight , low reps) .

    Now that I think about it gym probably had helped me too icon_twisted.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 19, 2014 8:19 PM GMT
    A very real post. I am sorry your going through this. This happened to me like 15 years ago.
    Just focus on improving yourself. That heartache you feel is an illusion like the sincere feelings you thought this guy had.
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    Dec 19, 2014 9:49 PM GMT
    What you describe is so completely normal, and a rite of passage for everyone.

    I think you're doing all of the right things. It just takes time. You can speed the healing process by keeping active, doing things you enjoy, and meeting new people.

    Hope that helps.
  • davfit

    Posts: 309

    Dec 19, 2014 10:11 PM GMT
    oh.. been there done that.. Sounds like you got it bad ,like I did ..It took me a year... nothing worse than feelings not returned. What I found ...I was painting the picture, to be how I wanted ...NOT how it really was ...I ingnored all the signs so.. oops..think we have all done this. I found a little contact made it easier.. so an random text every now an then helped ..we even meet up once.. after I backed off, but I knew it was going no where..so let it fade.
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    Dec 19, 2014 11:13 PM GMT
    Wow. Great advice above from each guy. I'll only reiterate that we've probably all been there at one point (or will be). Trust us when we assure you that while it truly sucks right now it will get better eventually. You'll might always have a bit of a soft spot for the guy but someone else will take his place in your life, and it will be way better knowing the new guy actually cares for you just as much as you care for him.
  • AnonymousNYC

    Posts: 60

    Dec 19, 2014 11:31 PM GMT
    Similar to my story.. Read mine and give your opinion if you would like.
    Its weird being an outsider looking in. My "ex" left me for a female but for some reason i would be more crushed if it was another male. Because we have the same things, i would feel like what more is he giving you than i am.

    In the end its his lost and he just made the way for someone better in your life. Yes its gonna suck to b single for the holidays but hey you saved money on a gift.

    Keep working on yourself thats very important to me.. Success is the besg revenge
  • AnonymousNYC

    Posts: 60

    Dec 19, 2014 11:33 PM GMT
    LuisG_82 saidI just ended a relationship that last for almost 1 year, and I felt exactly the same as you, insomnia and my mind always busy trying to figure out what he is doing, etc, feeling trapped between those thoughts.

    and first you have to understand that this pain is something normal, you have lost somehow an important person, even if that person is still there, there are few possibilities that you can be with him together again. And if you already noticed that being at work help to think about some other things, then try doing more activities, meet friends, go to the movies, if you feel like dating, try it.

    And in any relationship a problem is not just because one of the parts failed, both members have some responsibility, Check which mistakes you did, and try to understand them and work on them, to be a better person for yourself, not for that guy you lost.


    Great advice
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 20, 2014 12:25 AM GMT
    When a lover runs away from us, we often take it deeply personal. But sometimes people run away because we are so wondrous that they can't take the reflection back to their own limitations. They aren't ready for wondrous yet.

    Hang in there, buddy.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 20, 2014 2:08 AM GMT
    On the flip side you'll stop picking on Taylor Swift, write her next hit, and make millions. Then, fuck that guy.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 20, 2014 2:34 AM GMT
    I got dumped just recently too. Focus on his negative qualities. That helps I find lol
  • dennissis

    Posts: 18

    Dec 20, 2014 3:01 AM GMT
    You people are really awesome. First of all, thanks for caring someone's hurt feelings and giving the best support with all your great comments. They are really helpful and I seem to agree with almost all of them.

    Just a note, I am already a regular gym member, exercising 4-5 times a week and I agree that it is kind of the best distraction at this stage. Just wanted to endorse that it is a good advice for people who might be reading this after a while. Still, not a perfect solution, but at least a distraction. The only solution seems to be time & replacing this person with someone else as you say.

    About the advice that I should have never deleted all his contact information, I don't think I could stay friends anymore because the last 3 months of staying friends stage just made it worse and worse for me. Seeing his photos with other people on Facebook just made me think that I wanted to be in that photo, doing those activities with him. I found myself putting too much meaning on a simple "Like" he endorse on Facebook to my photos and waiting everyday for a simple "Hi, how are you?" message that he would send. I didn't even feel like dating with other people any more, and when I did, I put the great people I met during this period into good friends class since I could not look into them that way. So, I believe I did good with cutting the communication, because it was imprisoning for me. Probably, in time, I will get into a "Don't care" stage, where I could see him as friends. But it is really not the time because every single communication really opens a new wound on my heart.

    I love reading about your experiences and comments. So please, don't be discouraged with this post to write more and feel free to add more posts from similar experiences. They really help!

    Thank you all for the great advice and support once more.
  • dennissis

    Posts: 18

    Dec 20, 2014 3:02 AM GMT
    mickeytopogigio saidOn the flip side you'll stop picking on Taylor Swift, write her next hit, and make millions. Then, fuck that guy.


    Haha, I don't know if I am skilled enough for this advice but I'll try.