My lack of a normal social life is starting to affect me...

  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Dec 20, 2014 10:37 PM GMT
    Growing up, I had a few close friends who lived on my block. Once I got into middle school, I still had those couple of friends, but I never really "branched out" and made other friends in school. Never went to any parties or anything. I wasn't a big fan of getting drunk. I also think (looking back) that I realized that I didn't like girls, and so I didn't want to put myself in a social situation where I might have a girl come on to me, thus I avoided most social gatherings outside of school.

    This mentality carried over into high school. I knew I wasn't really into girls, but didn't want to admit to myself that I was gay. I tried to convince myself that it was a "phase" and that I would eventually come to like women. I wasn't anti-social, necessarily. I had friends in school and socialized with kids in my class, but never hung out with anyone outside of school. Never went to any parties, football games, etc. I guess you could say I had no real friends.

    I ended up going through a bad phase of depression/OCD that year, and then right before my sophomore year of high school I was diagnosed with Ulcerative Colitis at age 15. I was sick, on a lot of medications that caused me to gain weight. I was unattractive to say the least, and all I wanted to do after school was go home and sleep. In 10th grade I spent almost a month out of school due to being in the hospital and again that summer. Finally, when I was 16 (junior year) I underwent 2 major surgeries to have my colon removed since the medications weren't helping my illness.

    Finally, it wasn't until my senior year of high school that I was completely healthy. I made a couple of friends who I hang out with, and that was that. I'm still only friends with one of those people, although I've made a couple more through work and what not.

    When it was time to go to college, I had anxieties about going away to school and so I commuted locally and never made any good friends in school either (switched schools a couple times as well and still haven't graduated).

    So I sit here at 24, not knowing what it's like to really go out with a group of friends and drink/have fun. Not knowing what it's like to kiss someone or really have sex and enjoy it.

    I got so used being alone and independent, but it's really starting to bother me now. I get depressed easily, and feel like everyone is moving forward in their lives except me. I'm tired of sitting at home alone on Friday and Saturday nights. I sometimes am still confused as to what my sexuality really is, and I don't even know where to start. I really feel like I'm slowly going insane. Sometimes I feel like my life is just not worth living anymore.

    How do I go about fixing this problem?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Dec 20, 2014 11:27 PM GMT
    Sounds like you have some anxiety and are spending a lot of time worrying about being the person you think you should be and comparing yourself to others. I can see why your past has led you to a point where you are feeling a bit isolated and not confident in your social skills. Don't beat yourself up about it and presume that just because you feel disconnected now, that's the way it will always be. You're a young guy and gotten yourself through some difficult times in the past. You have the capacity to deal with this situation and build a satisfying network if friends. You can learn how to meet people, how to feel relaxed and approachable around others, how to talk to guys. It might take some work, but you're not in a fixed situation. Don't perpetuate things by dissing yourself, expecting negative outcomes, or assuming that people won't like you and want to know you. Start doing things differently, force yourself out of your comfort zone, commit to putting yourself in social situations. Many adults I know have an almost completely different group if friends than they did a few to several tears ago. Don't limit yourself by where you think you "should be" and allow yourself to become the person you want to be. Good luck.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Dec 20, 2014 11:31 PM GMT
    Sorry, that was supposed to read "a few to several years" not "tears".icon_redface.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Dec 21, 2014 5:32 AM GMT
    PatrickRyan saidSounds like you have some anxiety and are spending a lot of time worrying about being the person you think you should be and comparing yourself to others. I can see why your past has led you to a point where you are feeling a bit isolated and not confident in your social skills. Don't beat yourself up about it and presume that just because you feel disconnected now, that's the way it will always be. You're a young guy and gotten yourself through some difficult times in the past. You have the capacity to deal with this situation and build a satisfying network if friends. You can learn how to meet people, how to feel relaxed and approachable around others, how to talk to guys. It might take some work, but you're not in a fixed situation. Don't perpetuate things by dissing yourself, expecting negative outcomes, or assuming that people won't like you and want to know you. Start doing things differently, force yourself out of your comfort zone, commit to putting yourself in social situations. Many adults I know have an almost completely different group if friends than they did a few to several tears ago. Don't limit yourself by where you think you "should be" and allow yourself to become the person you want to be. Good luck.


    Thanks for the response. icon_smile.gif

    I definitely feel 'isolated' as you said. The sad part is that I wouldn't even consider myself shy or socially awkward, I'm usually pretty outgoing around others. It's just that I feel like I have no opportunities to get out there and meet anyone anymore. And it's difficult to make changes having been in this rut for so long.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Dec 21, 2014 5:44 AM GMT
    we have the same life..except, fortunately im super healthy.

    About the social part, close friends and loving family are all i have but lately i do a lot of outdor activities alone and it cured my loneliness a lot...

    But still, i feel there is something empty inside but i never ever think about harmful thoughts for my life...i just accept my nature...it's like some melancholic music video actually..oh wait, i have that video and the song is quite good too..check
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Dec 21, 2014 6:01 AM GMT
    this melancholic music video is ny life

    It metaphors a person who dressed as an entertainer with parrot suit on and is wandering to isolated and public places alone



    http://youtu.be/Vby84W0PU6k
  • PE_Mike

    Posts: 75

    Dec 21, 2014 6:20 AM GMT
    You are aware you're good looking, you've worked on that - that's more than a lot can say, so take the credit and stop beating up on yourself already.

    You're well educated, so you know that 'normal' is purely arithmetic; in real life, there is a distribution from constant pain and suffering to incredibly rare Buddha like enlightenment. Don't be taken in by the Hollywood and pretence of we're all so goddamned happy - its BS; most of us are bored somewhere, in our own rut, between hell and heaven.

    Anxiety, depression are heightened by the feeling of disconnection around the festive period; it's worthwhile considering and trying the many tools to combat this very human symptom of modern life. Ring up a friend or family member each day, turn the focus on to their lives. Try psychology (counselling) therapy, meds such as Prozac - in spite of the over worked horror stories, they help hundreds of millions around the world cope better with anziety, depression (all of which make Crohns worse, as you by now well know).

    Get out of the house, get active, get a physical contact pet such as a small dog or cat (small means less poo) - yes, you and only you can break the routine; no one can do it for you.

    Be careful about becoming a one man pity party; most 'Jocks' are looking to plug a new hole that happens to be yours, not make you whole. Kiss more, you cannot get HIV; you will like it, and I promise so will everyone else icon_biggrin.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Dec 21, 2014 7:12 AM GMT
    Maybe you should force yourself to join a recreational sports team, preferably in a gay league if there's one within a fairly easy commute. It could shake up your day to day routine, you'll meet new people and who knows what might come of that. Could be a new friend, new partner or maybe even a potential job/career contact. I know it's kinda scary but it sounds like you need to break out of the rut with something outside your normal comfort zone.
  • SilverRRCloud

    Posts: 874

    Dec 21, 2014 8:44 AM GMT
    A thought here would be to recognize that being attracted to other men does not really carry any stigma akin to the one you it carried at the time of your early youth.

    Being not into girls is in the meantime, an accepted MO for everyone out there. This should not be stopping you from developing normal social interaction.

    Stop short of trying to turn back the tide of times, and relive the HS friendships the way they used to be for a certain number of people you knew in school days.

    You have reached your mid-20s. You look good and attractive. You may want to work towards getting a normal sexual life, too. Then, there is career, household, gym, etc. So, most guys out there won't be available for friendships a la HS only. It's a fact of life. Add contents to your friendship plan.

    Do not shy away from admitting that sex here plays an important role. Some guys may be interested in sex only, but there are other dudes who will want to hang out with you besides the usual romping in the hay, too.

    Consider getting a coach to help you out with your insecurities. There are people out there whose experience may be of great benefit to you in overcoming your present difficulties.

    SC
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Dec 21, 2014 9:00 AM GMT
    It sounds like you're a somewhat introverted person naturally ... a lot of us are. Try doing things you enjoy where you'll also be around people that you may strike up a connection with. Even if you don't make a strong connection at least you'll be doing an activity you enjoy. I would also recommend attending something with a spiritual theme of your choosing, whatever that might be, because you'll often find people who are interested in a more than casual connection there ... perhaps not sexual but at least they're less likely to be judgement/superficial (assuming you do are somewhere gay friendly, of course).
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Dec 22, 2014 2:46 PM GMT
    ant811 saidGrowing up, I had a few close friends who lived on my block. Once I got into middle school, I still had those couple of friends, but I never really "branched out" and made other friends in school. Never went to any parties or anything. I wasn't a big fan of getting drunk. I also think (looking back) that I realized that I didn't like girls, and so I didn't want to put myself in a social situation where I might have a girl come on to me, thus I avoided most social gatherings outside of school.

    This mentality carried over into high school. I knew I wasn't really into girls, but didn't want to admit to myself that I was gay. I tried to convince myself that it was a "phase" and that I would eventually come to like women. I wasn't anti-social, necessarily. I had friends in school and socialized with kids in my class, but never hung out with anyone outside of school. Never went to any parties, football games, etc. I guess you could say I had no real friends.

    I ended up going through a bad phase of depression/OCD that year, and then right before my sophomore year of high school I was diagnosed with Ulcerative Colitis at age 15. I was sick, on a lot of medications that caused me to gain weight. I was unattractive to say the least, and all I wanted to do after school was go home and sleep. In 10th grade I spent almost a month out of school due to being in the hospital and again that summer. Finally, when I was 16 (junior year) I underwent 2 major surgeries to have my colon removed since the medications weren't helping my illness.

    Finally, it wasn't until my senior year of high school that I was completely healthy. I made a couple of friends who I hang out with, and that was that. I'm still only friends with one of those people, although I've made a couple more through work and what not.

    When it was time to go to college, I had anxieties about going away to school and so I commuted locally and never made any good friends in school either (switched schools a couple times as well and still haven't graduated).

    So I sit here at 24, not knowing what it's like to really go out with a group of friends and drink/have fun. Not knowing what it's like to kiss someone or really have sex and enjoy it.

    I got so used being alone and independent, but it's really starting to bother me now. I get depressed easily, and feel like everyone is moving forward in their lives except me. I'm tired of sitting at home alone on Friday and Saturday nights. I sometimes am still confused as to what my sexuality really is, and I don't even know where to start. I really feel like I'm slowly going insane. Sometimes I feel like my life is just not worth living anymore.

    How do I go about fixing this problem?


    Hm, Deer Park to Manhattan is somewhat of a commute.

    Go to Meetup.com and join the New York City Astrology Meetup group. Attend their meetings. They're really good with people.

    Go to astro.com, do your chart. Find out where your north node is. Get a Jan Spiller book called Cosmic Love and see what she says about your north node.

    Even if you are born to live a solitary life, you're still a social animal.

    You could also try visiting Norman Vincent Peale's former church. (Norman Vincent Peale wrote the Power of Positive Thinking.) The church I'm talking about is Marble Collegiate Church. The walk from Penn Station where the LIRR you'd take is not far from 29th and 5th where the church is. They are good with people.

    You'll do well,
    Stephen

    P.S.: at astro.com, you can order a career report. I think you can see a short version of that report for free.
  • being_human

    Posts: 152

    Dec 22, 2014 5:33 PM GMT
    i can relate to you more or less. i have an overly controlling mom who didn't allow me to have any sort of fun. now, im more in control but not so good on my social skills.
    i have the same problem, i can talk to anyone. i am approachable, i'm sociable but it takes great effort to be so or do so. at the end of the day, i'm exhausted even from the simplest hangouts.
    Hookups are way easier to handle for me.
    i try to talk more, push myself to open up more. id say you do the same. even when you think you greeted enough, greet more.
    you have an attractive and inviting face. i'm sure things will work out. thanks for the post.
    **its a big lonely world**
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Dec 23, 2014 7:07 AM GMT
    You're not alone, I've always had trouble making friends being extremely shy and introverted, because I am naturally a loner. There is nothing wrong with it. People make up social rules about how we should be but I'm not harming anyone nor myself because I am content with my own company. Some people NEED to have others around them to stay happy, however I am capable of enjoying either.

    I used to suffer with seasonal depression naturally but ever since I started working out and eating healthy, I feel as if I have become immune to those symptoms. (HIGHLY RECOMMENDED) Try to build a liking towards health/fitness and I guarantee your mind and body will thank you for it. Cardio especially promotes your body's blood to flow everywhere more quicker, which forces your organs/chemicals etc to work their ass off and do their job properly all around your body, making a healthier, and more sharper version of yourself.

    Also, volunteering, finding new hobbies, and keeping yourself busy (or putting yourself out there) really helps to correct your confidence levels by changing the way your mind sees things. This helps bring more variety into your life, therefore you keep learning, and that keeps your mind sharp and healthy. For instance, back in school, we learn something new everyday and are faced with unfamiliar topics that we have to question. Most of this helps build your personality and to find your self.
  • HottJoe

    Posts: 21366

    Dec 23, 2014 10:38 PM GMT
    prepare_your_ANUS saidwe have the same life..except, fortunately im super healthy.

    About the social part, close friends and loving family are all i have but lately i do a lot of outdor activities alone and it cured my loneliness a lot...

    But still, i feel there is something empty inside but i never ever think about harmful thoughts for my life...i just accept my nature...it's like some melancholic music video actually..oh wait, i have that video and the song is quite good too..check
    my anus sings show tunes and rap music.


    fify!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Dec 23, 2014 10:49 PM GMT
    HottJoe said
    prepare_your_ANUS saidwe have the same life..except, fortunately im super healthy.

    About the social part, close friends and loving family are all i have but lately i do a lot of outdor activities alone and it cured my loneliness a lot...

    But still, i feel there is something empty inside but i never ever think about harmful thoughts for my life...i just accept my nature...it's like some melancholic music video actually..oh wait, i have that video and the song is quite good too..check
    my anus sings show tunes and rap music.


    fify!

    haha!! omgicon_lol.gif
  • HottJoe

    Posts: 21366

    Dec 23, 2014 10:58 PM GMT
    I've just been here for too long.icon_lol.gif