How strong are you emotionally?

  • tomchadwin

    Posts: 26

    Jan 19, 2009 7:58 PM GMT
    I've been seeing this guy at least once a week for the past 4 months now. We've been intimate, have great chemistry on every level, he has introduced me to his friends and coworkers blah blah blah.

    Everything was going great until I saw him making out with a guy at a club who he went home with (he didn't see me). Granted that we haven't discussed exclusivity, I was still taken back and ofcourse was extremely jealous.

    I decided to have a talk with him and he was upfront with the fact that he is dating two other people - he even told me their names. I appreciated his honesty and I don't think he is maliciously trying to play me. He enjoys his time with me but doesn't want a serious relationship.

    Being in grad school myself as well as having a full time job, I personally don't want a serious relationship either. I really dig this guy, really don't have that much time to find and date other people, but I cannot help feel jealous.

    Part of me want to just be able to continue seeing this guy and enjoy it for what it is, but I'm afraid that this situation can become unhealthy for someone like me who is not emotionally strong.

    Can YOU handle casually dating someone who you really like for an extended period of time knowing that they are dating and potentionally sleeping with others? If the answer is yes, HOW did you become emotionally strong enough to handle the situation? Because frankly I want to learn.

    Thanks
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    Jan 19, 2009 8:37 PM GMT
    eh that situation wouldn't bother me, personally I'm all for it, keeps things a lot more simple.

    now onto your more important question of being emotionally stronger, I've always found that being stronger emotionally comes down to being far more logical about things too, about not getting wrapped up in a whirlwind of emotions and letting them take over.

    if you think about the relationship you have, putting it into more rational terms here, you don't want a serious relationship (although, I get the feeling your ownly saying it because you think you should be) so, if you truly don't want a series relationship but, you'd like to maintain a fun and easy relationship with this fella, then put your emotions into context..

    Personally when I start feeling jealousy, I remind my self how I truly have no right to feel jealous and that I'm a dick head which usually fixes that for me.
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    Jan 20, 2009 12:16 AM GMT
    I don't think I'll be able to do 'casual' dating, so no. Heh.

    If it's mutually agreed to not be serious (or even if only one of you decides so), I think it's better off being friends (fuckbuddies if you're still sleeping together) than pretending to be even romantically inclined. Falling for a guy who does not view the relationship in the same way as you will only lead to disaster.
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    Jan 20, 2009 12:21 AM GMT
    My heart is but a delicate flower. A delicate flower that has been encased in a block of bulletproof resin, frozen in carbonite, coated in several meters of plutonian ice and sunk into the gravity well of an especially massive quantum singularity. So no, it wouldn't bug me so much.
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    Jan 20, 2009 12:36 AM GMT
    GuerrillaSodomite saidMy heart is but a delicate flower. A delicate flower that has been encased in a block of bulletproof resin, frozen in carbonite, coated in several meters of plutonian ice and sunk into the gravity well of an especially massive quantum singularity. So no, it wouldn't bug me so much.


    I think this is the medical condition bgcat57 called a 'caraway seed'. icon_lol.gif
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    Jan 20, 2009 12:39 AM GMT
    Sedative said
    GuerrillaSodomite saidMy heart is but a delicate flower. A delicate flower that has been encased in a block of bulletproof resin, frozen in carbonite, coated in several meters of plutonian ice and sunk into the gravity well of an especially massive quantum singularity. So no, it wouldn't bug me so much.


    I think this is the medical condition bgcat57 called a 'caraway seed'. icon_lol.gif


    I hate those! Especially when they get stuck beneath my dentures. It's oh so painful.
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    Jan 20, 2009 1:04 AM GMT
    I am sorry to tell you that there is nothing you can do about the way you feel. If it didn't matter it wouldn't bother you. The fact that it bothers you means that it matters.

    Take this as an indication that your what matters and what doesn't systems are working properly.

    We want what we want and no amount of rational thought can make that go away.

    Eventually you get used to it (sort of, never fully).

    Trying to make yourself into a block of ice will result in the tip of your dick freezing and falling off. Not recommended.
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    Jan 20, 2009 1:35 AM GMT
    I don't know if I agree that being in a casual relationship requires one to be "emotionally strong" as much as it requires one to be emotionally dead. I think it's important to be honest with yourself about what you need and what you can handle from a relationship first, casual or otherwise. Then be honest about that with any guys you might want to be with.
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    Jan 20, 2009 1:42 AM GMT
    Well not everyone. I'm not an open relationship kind of person. Not even close. I don't see how preference for a monogamous relationship is necesarily related to emotional strength though.
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    Jan 20, 2009 1:43 AM GMT
    Well I'm one for monogamy, what can be sexier than that?

    icon_smile.gif
  • EricLA

    Posts: 3461

    Jan 20, 2009 1:44 AM GMT
    You have to go with what feels right for you. Some people can't handle the jealousy of their partner being with anyone else, even if the two of them haven't agreed to a commitment. It's neither right nor wrong if that doesn't work for you, it's just a matter of personal beliefs.
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    Jan 20, 2009 1:47 AM GMT
    Monogamy is not dead. I am wired for it. So, no I couldn't handle something open or see more than one guy at a time. There are a lot of monogamous men in relationships out there. Most will not go to the bars or do online stuff like this. At least the ones I know. Their friends and quality of life is great, except for one couple who played the real estate market well, these couples are working class "families" who have a beer after work and enjoy football and tailgate parties, camping... lots of so-called "nester" type stuff with friends and family central in their life. I truly admire them. They are young and old and have many years together.

    Anyway to the OP, I think you will probably have to rethink your desires with this man. Since you were not happy upon finding out about others... that pretty much clues me in to think you are shooting for monogamy, and he is not that state of mind. Again he is being honest, and worthy of being treated with respect. But respect yourself first and what you want or need, and you will be fine.
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    Jan 20, 2009 1:53 AM GMT
    AKA_B1GK saidInteresting post. So I take it majority of you guys are into "open relationships" , as opposed to monogamy, eh?


    Nope. Not into but not against either. Different strokes for different folks and all that. icon_razz.gif

    The OP was not referring to a real 'relationship' but more of the purely sex kind (in cruder terms - a fuckbuddy, the guy you have sex with on weekends or something like that, also not something I'm personally into, but again... whatever floats your boat and all that icon_lol.gif ). How it's starting to affect him emotionally when he sees the other guy with another guy. Considering that there is no defined relationship other than 'casual' in this case, it can't be considered an open relationship (that requires both partners to be committed to each other emotionally if not sexually at all times).
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    Jan 20, 2009 2:03 AM GMT
    ChillGuyCO saidI don't know if I agree that being in a casual relationship requires one to be "emotionally strong" as much as it requires one to be emotionally dead. I think it's important to be honest with yourself about what you need and what you can handle from a relationship first, casual or otherwise. Then be honest about that with any guys you might want to be with.


    Very well said.

    I agree that most casual relationships, although they claim that it's just something more fun and you only live once etc., kind of require you to be out of touch with your emotions.

    To me, becoming emotionally strong is something that happens over time... regardless of age. I think it also depends on what kind of learner you are: Some people have to experience something tragic and pull through, Some people learn from the others around them, and some are just naturally adept at dealing with emotional stress.

    Ways to improve your own emotional strength? Really look into who you are as a person- Develop your standards and morals. I'd say that it would be beneficial because then you could find that foundation to make judgements on whether something really affects you... or if it's just a bunch of fluff that you should let go.

    At the end of the day, it comes down to Values. What do YOU value? What do THEY value? Does it bother you that maybe your values don't match up? .... and if it does, maybe that person is not the one for you on the INSIDE, rather than the shell they preset you with.

    cheers
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    Jan 20, 2009 2:17 AM GMT
    When I was younger I was more emotionally sensitive. Time and 4-5 boyfriends later as well as deaths of a brother and boyfriends I have unintentionally become much more emotionally strong. I think it is just life experience that teaches you when to cry and when to brush it off.

    It is possible to be sensitive/tender and strong also I think. Strength is about being able to feel your emotions with the knowledge that you can get through it without falling apart - like standing in the rain, you get wet but don't drown.

    When you go through so much you are just able to put things and people in perspective. At some point you realize "Shit, I can put up with a lot!" and still come through it. You realize that just like a storm, these things pass and you come out a little more refined and strengthened and feel good about your newly found strength.

    If you want to make rules for yourself and relationships, make them and stick to them out of respect for yourself as well as others. That is strength too. The rules that you make are totally up to you even though you might modify them as time goes on. Know your limits.

    BTW, I really admire guys that can be tough and tender-hearted at the same time.
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    Jan 20, 2009 2:23 AM GMT
    If I was seeing a guy for the past 4 months, been intimate, thought he liked me and I liked him, have great chemistry, was introduced to not only his friends but his coworkers and then found out that he was seeing not 1 but 2 other people I would think he'd lost interest and move on.

    Dating several people is fine (I've done it) but there comes a time that you let someone go because you can't commit even if you don't want a serious relationship. Four months is a pretty long time and to me exceeds that time frame. That's like 16 dates if you went out once a week.

    Would you stay in a dead end job with no hope of advancement?


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    Jan 20, 2009 2:28 AM GMT
    even though you have feelings for this guy I dont think you have anything here but a fuck buddy...everyone keeps saying "casual relationship" ?? what is that?

    lets see, your having sex with him, you hang out some hes seeing other people, you dont have time for a serious relationship and you have great sex.....ummmmm I think thats a fuck buddy, or at most a friend with benefits.

    u need to cut off your emotions, start doing your thing to, its obvious he doesn't want something serious and you admited you dont either...

    I really hate it for you cuz your a great looking guy and it seems like you really like him....but you know what they say...you can lead a horse to water but......
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    Jan 20, 2009 2:34 AM GMT
    If you are a grad student with a full time job, and don't have time for a serious relationship, then i supose you don't have time for an unconfortable situation as well. He might be honest at some point but the timing was a little bit off! and he should had been more up front and warned you in the first place so automatically that makes him unconsiderated...

    Just imagine what more can you discover in the future that he forgot to tell you! And anyway youre a beautifull Bostonian! Don't settle for less! Don't be a conformist!

    Bostonian...icon_rolleyes.gif *chuckles*
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    Jan 20, 2009 6:27 AM GMT
    I read your post and then reread to it see if I had read it correctly.

    If you reread what you wrote, then you need to understand that it sounds like: If you didn't have a full time job and grad school right now... you'd want him exclusively and most likely in a way that builds to a serious relationship.

    You (spied on) watched his actions without making yourself visible which means you REALLY wanted to see his REAL motives and where you two stood with one another. Then you were "taken back" by what transpired because you didn't have a clue why it was happening. You didn't expect this behavior from HIM and that’s because he failed to ever mention that he was making out/sleeping with another guy (let alone 2 guys he finally admitted to once the gig was up...I mean... once u confronted him). Sorry but what else don't you know about him? This followed by "extreme jealousy"... because you “really” like him and want him for yourself and it would bother you to admit that after only 4 months. If I am wrong then I apologize as I don't mean to sound like an ass but... I don't buy that you want to "learn" how to be separated from your heart in order to keep some "screw-buddy/part-time lover". No? Why else would you ask complete strangers "HOW did you become emotionally strong (aka...emotionally dead)enough to handle the situation?" (The situation being: casually dating someone who you really like for an extended period of time knowing that they are dating and potentially sleeping with others) Which sounds like, in other words: How do you "get over/numb" the pain caused by the guy you really like, who is fooling around on you, so u can still be with him in the end? This only leads to "When will my boyfriend stop seeing other people behind my back?"

    You said you "really" like this guy. I've never met anyone who "really" likes someone, gets "extremely" jealous after seeing them make out with someone else and then is totally fine with them dating/screwing another person(s) on the side. You have to admit that you are hurt by his actions and afraid to lose him so now you're suggesting that its OK that he see other people because you're busy with your own life. Does that make sense to you? It doesn't to me. I've never understood open relationships...but if you can't handle this emotionally now...you're never going to understand, let alone be in, an open relationship. I don't believe its something you learn. It sounds like you care about him while he is stringing you along and that's not fair to you/your heart. If that wasn't true...you wouldn't be online asking our opinions and he wouldn't be out at some club making out with other guys. Don't you deserve real honesty beforehand? Don't you deserve to be happy? It doesn't sound like an open relationship will make you happy from your post above. Don't you deserve someone who will truly love you?

    He may care about you enough that he isn't maliciously "trying" to play you but sorry to say it , your being played. Since you "really" like him, you are now defending his actions and then trying to get others to "teach" you how to convince yourself that its OK for him to be this shady-person to you. Do you really want to be persuaded to think that's OK? You have to have more self-respect than that seeing as how you are dedicated to work and school. IF all you wanted was a screw-buddy or a sometimes boyfriend, you wouldn't care who he dated on the side and you wouldn't ask how to change your way of thinking/dealing.

    All the best tomchadwin- bottom line- focus on school/work- ditch the flake. best of luck. take care of yourself man.
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    Jan 20, 2009 6:28 AM GMT
    Um... okay, the fact that you don't want the man you're dating to date other people does NOT AT ALL make you weak emotionally. I would never be in a relationship like that and I have to say I tend to be pretty strong...
    Now, what you have to do is to decide just how much you wanna be with that guy and what you would and wouldn't do to have him.
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    Jan 20, 2009 6:35 AM GMT
    lilTanker saideh that situation wouldn't bother me, personally I'm all for it, keeps things a lot more simple.

    now onto your more important question of being emotionally stronger, I've always found that being stronger emotionally comes down to being far more logical about things too, about not getting wrapped up in a whirlwind of emotions and letting them take over.


    Personally when I start feeling jealousy, I remind my self how I truly have no right to feel jealous and that I'm a dick head which usually fixes that for me.


    I could not have this ANY better!!! This is SO me!!!
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    Jan 20, 2009 3:55 PM GMT

    Hmmmm, interesting thread.
    Emotional strength equals being able to shut them (emotions) off?
    If you don't ask, they don't have to tell that they're having sex with others?

    wow.

    Just perhaps, the feeling of jealousy, like many other emotions, is a tool to be used in the development of self.
  • gumbosolo

    Posts: 382

    Jan 20, 2009 4:07 PM GMT
    Yeah man, there's no exercise you can do to make yourself more emotionally durable except just living through hard stuff, and that takes some time. That said, don't choose to suffer here just so you'll be emotionally stronger next time.

    If you enjoy your time with him more than you suffer from not being his only one, then it'll be okay for a while. And then you'll get to liking him more and hating those other guys more and the whole thing will end with someone hitting someone else. If you're into monogamy, this is not a bend you will make easily. If you feel like you're worth better, look for better.
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    Jan 20, 2009 4:22 PM GMT




    "I decided to have a talk with him and he was upfront with the fact that he is dating two other people - he even told me their names."

    That's nice, but was there a reason he couldn't volunteer this info?

    "Being in grad school myself as well as having a full time job, I personally don't want a serious relationship either. I really dig this guy, really don't have that much time to find and date other people, but I cannot help feel jealous."

    Many people have relationships in varying degrees of 'seriousness' and some are strictly once a week or once a month deals that eventually grow into 'serious' and they get engaged or married.

    "Part of me want to just be able to continue seeing this guy and enjoy it for what it is, but I'm afraid that this situation can become unhealthy for someone like me who is not emotionally strong."

    Don't beat yourself up here, I think you may confuse emotional strength with the ability to put yourself in emotionally damaging situations (different for each person) and keep your heart anesthetized.

    "Can YOU handle casually dating someone who you really like for an extended period of time knowing that they are dating and potentionally sleeping with others? If the answer is yes, HOW did you become emotionally strong enough to handle the situation? Because frankly I want to learn."

    Monkey see monkey do. It means you do the same as he does. Even though you have a full-time job and school, there's time to meet others as you had time to meet up with this man in the first place, right?
    What you may find is that you're not cut from the same material. Perhaps your heart prefers a casual relationship that's exclusive to the two involved in it. There is absolutely nothing wrong in that so is it jealousy or are you simply finding out about tomchadwin? icon_wink.gif

  • MikemikeMike

    Posts: 6932

    Jan 20, 2009 4:36 PM GMT
    Best advice for you EVER--wear condoms-you're welcome.