I keep cheating on my amazing boyfriend

  • assk

    Posts: 1

    Dec 21, 2014 3:50 PM GMT
    I read forums on RJ all the time, but this is my first post since it's eating me up inside...

    I've been in a relationship for about three years. My bf is good to me, attractive, and I can see us being together for the long haul. About a year ago, we stopped having sex on the reg, because of hectic schedules and a loss of novelty with eachother. I'm still emotionally fulfilled and I think he is too.

    After cheating on him once, I felt like shit. And then I got the opportunity to do it with another guy, and it was great, so I think the feeling after the first time was just because I wasn't into that specific dude. And then it happened again, and again, and again, with the same and different guys. So far, I've cheated on him with 5 guys... most of them multiple times. I'd probably do it more if I had more opportunities.

    In a sick way, I feel like it improves our relationship. I get most things from my boyfriend, and sexual satisfaction from others, so I'm fully satisfied and treat him well (maybe also because of guilt...). He doesn't want an open relationship and I don't want to let him go.

    Is there something wrong with me? I love him so much but can't seem to control myself. Is it wrong to keep going on in this is officially "closed" relationship while cheating? I'm totally emotionally committed just not physically.
  • taylorjp

    Posts: 21

    Dec 21, 2014 4:16 PM GMT
    theres just one thing wrong with u u r just a son of a bitch like u dont love him if loved u wouldnt cheat on him bc when u love someone his needs turn into your needs if you both doesnt have time to have sex or something is wrong u know what ppl who love each other do? the talk they make time not go and cheat id underestand if u had been drunk or things like that bc in those moments u dont have 100% of control of your body but u been in ur 5 sense cheating on him if u really love u should sit and talk with him being honest with him
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    Dec 21, 2014 4:21 PM GMT
    Are you asking RJ members for permission to carry on your infidelities? Why ask if what you are doing is wrong? You know it's wrong. You know your boyfriend did not want an open relationship. Rather than talk about the decline in your sex life and work on the relationship, you are taking the easy and dishonest route. You've stated that you treat your boyfriend well "perhaps out of guilt". How would you be treating him otherwise? You probably realize your boyfriend deserves better. You have two options. Either come clean and explain what your reasons were for your actions or leave your boyfriend and give him the chance to have the type of relationship he wants with someone he can trust.
  • Destinharbor

    Posts: 4435

    Dec 21, 2014 4:32 PM GMT
    You can't do that, mate. It's the ultimate betrayal, gay or straight. You can't tell him either because he may forgive you but he will never again totally trust you. You've ruined it. Beside the moral aspect, there's potential for health issues as well. Face it. You're just not ready to settle down. You're young, so that's no sin, but cheating on your partner when you've explicitly agreed to monogamy is. Here's what I'd suggest: Wait until after the New Year so you don't ruin his holiday. Then tell him you love him but can't agree to be monogamous, that you're too young to settle down. Be ready to let him go with much tears. Your honor is on the line here.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 21, 2014 4:35 PM GMT
    I hope your cheating sex is safe. Unsafe is how my current husband's late partner ended up getting the HIV that eventually killed him (but fortunately not infecting my future husband, who learned about it early enough).

    And cheating is how my first husband's previous partner contracted HIV, killing himself, too. But sadly not telling my future husband, who did contract it from him. And so he in turn also eventually died, while we were together. I was aware of my first husband's HIV from the first, and so our sex was always safe, and I remain negative. In that case the result was 2 men dead from 1 of them cheating.

    And HIV is only part of the risk, if the greatest. Other STDs you pick up can be passed on to your BF. So that you could break both his heart and his health with your cheating. Maybe it's time for you to end the relationship.
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    Dec 21, 2014 4:59 PM GMT
    the original OP's post never mentioned his thoughts on why he is cheating, maybe the sex has tapered off. But what is the reason for that?

    if not for this relationship, maybe the next one:
    Self Help or professional therapy, seems the 1st of ten steps is to figure why your doing this. I mean it takes a lot of effort to put your self out there. Way tooo much idle time?

    a cheater always get caught, likely your partner suspects:
    Sounds like you want to be good by your partner. Dont look for forgiveness, just stop cheating. If you cant stop break up. You are dragging a lot of bad into you guys's house, I am sure your partner dosnt want a STD of your choice.

  • HottJoe

    Posts: 21366

    Dec 21, 2014 5:50 PM GMT
    You should just be single if you can't commit to your relationship. It's not fair to your partner, and if you loved him you wouldn't abuse his trust. I actually find your insistence that you love him hard to believe. I believe you're trying to live a double life and that you believe the lies you've told yourself because it's more convenient than facing the truth.
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    Dec 21, 2014 5:55 PM GMT
    PatrickRyan saidAre you asking RJ members for permission to carry on your infidelities? Why ask if what you are doing is wrong? You know it's wrong. You know your boyfriend did not want an open relationship. Rather than talk about the decline in your sex life and work on the relationship, you are taking the easy and dishonest route. You've stated that you treat your boyfriend well "perhaps out of guilt". How would you be treating him otherwise? You probably realize your boyfriend deserves better. You have two options. Either come clean and explain what your reasons were for your actions or leave your boyfriend and give him the chance to have the type of relationship he wants with someone he can trust.


    Couldn't have said it better myself!
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    Dec 21, 2014 7:06 PM GMT
    There is a reason you cheat. You should look at that. But in the meantime, you are being a selfish and self absorbed. You can justify your 'love' of him anyway you want to yourself. If you truly do love him, let him go to be with someone who will love him the way he loves. You are obviously not that person. You should have a meaningful lengthy discussion with him about your insecurities. Once he finds out ( and he will, cause thats just the way the world works..) he is going to be devastated. Does he deserve that?
  • williamgeo

    Posts: 19

    Dec 21, 2014 8:40 PM GMT
    Well I'm not going to demonise you. You've simply had temptations handed to you on a plate and you slipped up (all of us have in one way or another).

    The problem is that these other men are tempting to you at all. That's nothing to feel guilty about, but it means you don't only have eyes for your boyfriend anymore. Emotional support is something that can be offered by friendship but unfortunately he may never want to be friends with you after what you've done to him, which could be the price you have to pay for the fun.

    It's pretty clear that you should break up as soon as possible. Give him a chance to be with someone who wants him and him alone, and in the meantime you can enjoy yourself without feeling quite so bad.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 21, 2014 10:04 PM GMT
    Some of these replies sound pretty fatalistic. I disagree--all is not lost. Couples can and do recover from these things. First, don't demonize yourself and don't allow the guys on here to do it either. You have a roving dick because you are not fulfilled in your relationship. That happens just like shit happens. It is inescapable. You either need to fix the relationship or move out of it. Tell your mate what's missing and that you cannot live without it. You need a reset where each of you vow to have every release with the other in some form of intimacy, even if it's only brief and even for those times that arise more from necessity than anything else. Let this be the jumping off point for moving back toward total fulfillment. If the two of you can't work it out, give yourself permission to move on. You are young; you have a whole lifetime to find what you need and when you do, you'll be content.
  • BloodFlame

    Posts: 1768

    Dec 22, 2014 12:21 AM GMT
    Man that is pretty... Bad...

    I'm sorry OP but you really need to think for a moment on what it is that is missing from your relationship. If it's truly just the sexual relations, perhaps you both could find a compromise of some sort?

    I do think honesty is the best policy but I'd probably wait... At least until the holiday season is over. But it's pretty obvious that physically, you aren't ready to settle down with one person and that's understandable. You should be able to go out and explore other men with no shame but when you are in a monogamous relationship, you pretty much gave your word to stay loyal to him. I mean, let me ask you this. Let's say that you and your boyfriend have this talk and you come clean about your infidelity. If he accepted your apology BUT wanted to get even by having his chance to sleep with 5 other men, could you accept that and let him go through with it?

    And for the record, I know two wrongs don't make a right but I'm just playing Devil's Advocate here for a moment.

    Anyway, what you are doing is wrong (in my opinion) but you're young and we all have temptations so I can understand how easy it is to fall to temptation. If you two break up, just take some "me" time and go out and explore other men. Maybe this means that you're more open to an open or poly relationship?

    Nonetheless, I really do think you should try and think what it is you want. Try to communicate with your boyfriend and go from there.
  • SilverRRCloud

    Posts: 875

    Dec 22, 2014 6:14 AM GMT
    You may want to take a hard look at your present relationship.

    You are 22. You are not having sex with your BF with whom you live in a committed, monogamous relationship. Everybody will always agree that cheating is wrong, deplorable. Yet, you have got your life to live, and if you are not having sex at your age while living with your BF now, when are you going to get your share of fun in your life?

    It may help to recognize that monogamy is a heteronorm which works for some male couples but does not work for the others. Monogamy in heterosexual relationships primarily (not only) protects the males from having to raise the children sired by other men. It also protects the existing family structure driving the male to care for his family and his children without developing other amorous relationships that would produce more children, and hence increase his expenditure in raising them.

    Usually, none of the above applies to gay relationships.

    Add to the equation that the evolutionary cost of any sexual intercourse for males remains very low, and you'll come to the conclusion that males happen to be hard wired to spread their seed as far and as wide and as often as possible. That many men have been culturally conditioned to accept monogamy is an undeniable fact, too.

    When all is said and done, you may want to stop the torment you are experiencing yourself at this time, AND equally so, come clean to your BF.

    Two intelligent men will never fail to recognize that they have to address the emerging issue of the lack of sex in their relationship. Especially, if at least one of them is practically at his sexual peak.

    There are very, very few hopeless situations in life. Work schedules can be synched to work better for both of you. Nothing may replace the lack of novelty after couple of years of being sexually together but the earned trust can lead both of you towards new explorations in your common sexual experience. Eventually, your bonds may strengthen after this emerging crisis.

    SC

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    Dec 22, 2014 6:47 AM GMT
    Lol Hahaha, you're being a hoe sleeping around with random dudes on your boyfriend. Ok, judgment aside, I think you're still young and allow to make mistakes. The thing is, your bf is okay with you cheating on him? He doesn't put his foot down? I'm confused about that. BUt you have to realize that no man is perfect, do you want the relationship or the sex? It sounds to me that your bf can't handle you in the bedroom and that's why you're seeking it elsewhere. I'm kind of a realist and practical, Sex is a very important part in a relationship. It's not fair to him at all what you're doing. I'd say just be single, sleep around for a while, figure out what you want and settle later. icon_evil.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 22, 2014 7:27 AM GMT
    You are like MOST PEOPLE on RJ.

    They are married or in 'monogamous relationships' but they still have almost naked pics because they are looking for 'friends'.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 22, 2014 8:28 AM GMT
    First time poster - no profile. She played with you all.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 22, 2014 9:38 AM GMT
    I hope your amazing boyfriend turns into 'Amazing Amy'.
  • IndigoZero

    Posts: 8

    Dec 22, 2014 1:03 PM GMT
    I don't think it's wrong to desire sex with other people and to have it. It's natural to lose the sexual drive and ecstasy towards one partner. There's nothing to feel guilty about there.

    However any relationship should be based on honesty and trust. If you don't have the courage to be honest with him about your sexual frustrations and boredom, or desires to have sex with someone else, then that's the first problem. Then the fact that you're not telling him about your experiences with other guys is just making things worse.

    It's not bad that you're fucking other guys, it's bad that you're not being courageous to face the truth or share it.

    This is a growth opportunity for you, even if it means losing this guy.

    Also, if you don't believe in monogamy, don't get with guys who want a monogamous relationship. Get with someone who is as horny and open minded as you, so you guys can have threesomes, go to and host orgies as you get bored with one another etc.

    Another way to deal with this is to force yourself to go on a sexual pleasure fast tp rewire your brain to not crave sex as much anymore. But that's up to you.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 22, 2014 1:39 PM GMT
    you should invite him for a gangbang session/ party.

    the cheating case is solve.

    Next.


  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 22, 2014 1:58 PM GMT
    HikerSkier saidFirst time poster - no profile. She played with you all.

    And hasn't posted since. And yet, has been an RJ member for over 2 years. Often initially difficult to detect a genuine request for advice from a troll. There sometimes are indications, but if we were dubious about everyone no one would ever get any advice here.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 22, 2014 4:35 PM GMT
    Art_Deco said
    HikerSkier saidFirst time poster - no profile. She played with you all.

    And hasn't posted since. And yet, has been an RJ member for over 2 years. Often initially difficult to detect a genuine request for advice from a troll. There sometimes are indications, but if we were dubious about everyone no one would ever get any advice here.

    Anything's possible - but generally a blank profile is a good indication. I guess you are more willing to believe than I. Aren't some of your "friends" alleged to have sock accounts that they keep dormant for a couple years?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 22, 2014 5:01 PM GMT
    HikerSkier said
    Art_Deco said
    HikerSkier saidFirst time poster - no profile. She played with you all.

    And hasn't posted since. And yet, has been an RJ member for over 2 years. Often initially difficult to detect a genuine request for advice from a troll. There sometimes are indications, but if we were dubious about everyone no one would ever get any advice here.

    Anything's possible - but generally a blank profile is a good indication. I guess you are more willing to believe than I. Aren't some of your "friends" alleged to have sock accounts that they keep dormant for a couple years?

    You are correct about my "friends": they plant sleeper socks years in advance of using them, to make them appear more legitimate when activated. I'm sure they still have some dormant ones right now.

    But this doesn't follow the pattern of a sock, which is usually political or personal in purpose. They usually don't ask for relationship advice.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 22, 2014 5:10 PM GMT
    Youre scum. Youre not only betraying the trust of your boyfriend but you're also putting his health at risk. Do him a favor and break up with him as soon as possible.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 22, 2014 7:14 PM GMT
    SilverRRCloud saidYou may want to take a hard look at your present relationship.

    You are 22. You are not having sex with your BF with whom you live in a committed, monogamous relationship. Everybody will always agree that cheating is wrong, deplorable. Yet, you have got your life to live, and if you are not having sex at your age while living with your BF now, when are you going to get your share of fun in your life?

    It may help to recognize that monogamy is a heteronorm which works for some male couples but does not work for the others. Monogamy in heterosexual relationships primarily (not only) protects the males from having to raise the children sired by other men. It also protects the existing family structure driving the male to care for his family and his children without developing other amorous relationships that would produce more children, and hence increase his expenditure in raising them.

    Usually, none of the above applies to gay relationships.

    Add to the equation that the evolutionary cost of any sexual intercourse for males remains very low, and you'll come to the conclusion that males happen to be hard wired to spread their seed as far and as wide and as often as possible. That many men have been culturally conditioned to accept monogamy is an undeniable fact, too.

    When all is said and done, you may want to stop the torment you are experiencing yourself at this time, AND equally so, come clean to your BF.

    Two intelligent men will never fail to recognize that they have to address the emerging issue of the lack of sex in their relationship. Especially, if at least one of them is practically at his sexual peak.

    There are very, very few hopeless situations in life. Work schedules can be synched to work better for both of you. Nothing may replace the lack of novelty after couple of years of being sexually together but the earned trust can lead both of you towards new explorations in your common sexual experience. Eventually, your bonds may strengthen after this emerging crisis.

    SC



    +1
    Well said.
    True on moral, anthropological and evolutionary levels
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 22, 2014 8:10 PM GMT
    You are 22, you've been in a relationship since you were a teenager.

    Some guys at 22 are ready to settle down (not settle for) and know exactly what they want. You don't.

    Your agreement with your partner is invalid. If the status of your relationship changes (not being exclusive) he needs to be informed.
    "He doesn't want an open relationship" (You've dropped a hint, then?) and you are making him the fool.

    Are any of these 5 guys in your social circle? You are making him, the person you supposedly love, a laughing stock. It's the ultimate betrayal. If you are emotionally committed you should be able to see what that can do to him, emotionally.