My boyfriend and Grindr

  • atlmvp

    Posts: 4

    Dec 27, 2014 2:38 PM GMT
    I read a really good thread about this very topic on here and I thought I would share what I am currently dealing with.

    My boyfriend and I have been together for 9, almost 10 months. We have a fairly solid relationship. We have our ups and downs, but we talk to each other when something arises. Before I get to the Grindr portion, there is a bit of a back story. He is into a fetish where he talks to guys about it through text messaging, Facebook, Instagram, KiK, and a couple of sites relating to the fetish. He was clear that the conversations he has are not sexual and his intentions are for friendships. I believed him since he showed me messages, pics, etc. He tells me about guys he talks to so we do communicate. I made it clear since he is talking to strangers that I be allowed to look at his phone when I ask to and that he must disclose he is in a relationship. He agreed. Knowing all of this, our relationship was rock solid until a month or so ago. He was offered a job across the country back in August. After two weeks of talking it through, we made the decision to move and told each other we are in it together. He wasn't going to move unless I went with him. I hold no regrets in our decision and despite what is going on right now, I still do not regret moving with him.

    I've only looked at his phone twice. The first time, there was nothing out of the ordinary. The second time came last week when I stumbled upon a conversation between my bf and this guy that was into the fetish. I was taken aback by some of the things my boyfriend told this guy. Such as "I wish I could see you." and "I know, me too." in the context that my boyfriend was sick at the time and the guy said he wished he could take care of him. I confronted him right away. The other guy knew me and my bf were together. After hours of talking, the end result is my bf was embarrassed and understood what he did was wrong. He told the guy they can never speak again, he deleted his phone number, and stopped following him on Instagram. I forgave and we moved on.

    Fast forward to December 24. Currently, he is home (in another state) visiting his family. He has his GMail account linked on my tablet. On Christmas Day, I went to switch to my account and I noticed a notification about a password reset to Grindr. (We met on Grindr and we both still had our accounts, we did not delete them entirely.) So I fired up my account and since he was "starred" I saw that he was online just a few minutes before we spoke on the phone. He has been constantly on it and logged in, although I know where he is and who he is with. We text or call each other since he got to where his family lives. His profile was updated that to where he lives and a new profile pic. He is looking for Chat, Networking, and Friends, but his status states Single.

    I am at a loss. We both have only each other here so we played with the idea that if we needed to make friends that we would turn to Grindr. But since he is away (no need for him to make friends in a place where he already has them and no longer lives in) and did not tell me any of this, I am having a tough time computing this and finding any logical reason.

    He could very well be just killing time, looking at pics, chatting since I know he hates it there and isn’t having a good time and just wants to come home. Yes, I know he could very well be "hooking up". But, it's just not who he is. I wholeheartedly feel he is not that type of person. He once found out about his bf cheating on him by going through his phone. He told me the feeling sucked and that he wouldn't hurt anyone in that way. I believe him since I have also been cheated on before and we both know what it feels like. At the beginning of our relationship we agreed to me monogamous. I trust him in general, but this behavior of doing things without telling me is unacceptable.

    I know this is long and I appreciate anyone that took the time to read this. Any advice is greatly appreciated. If it matters I am 9 years older than he is. I have more experience with relationships than he does.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 27, 2014 3:39 PM GMT
    call him up and ask him about it. don't play the texting game. actually talk to him.

    communication is key.
  • SilverRRCloud

    Posts: 874

    Dec 27, 2014 5:44 PM GMT
    You have first and foremost the issue of his fetish. There is a sexual side of him that he apparently cannot fully share with you. This is no small matter. If he feels that he is lacking something in his life, this feeling will likely erode the very foundations of your LTR.

    Under the circumstances, you may want to reconsider the monogamy as being something binding in your present relationship. Many good guys are simply not wired to be monogamous. Try as they may be, they fail even when they succeed in being monogamous. The feeling that they are not living their lives but sacrificing something for the comfort and joy of an LTR again works at eroding their LTRs.

    Understanding that loving another man does not mean possessing him as in owning him requires a great deal of experience and maturity. No doubt, there are happy gay monogamous couples out there enjoying their lives. And, equally so, there are couples out there continuously wrestling with the imposed notion of monogamy as being a foundation of their LTRs.

    Open relationships are not for everybody. Neither is monogamy.

    Once I seriously started dating my first BF in college, I embraced the idea of monogamy. This was a pervading societal concept, a pattern of behavior widely accepted as both valid and functioning. Monogamy has been always presented as the ultimate guarantor of the long lasting, happy relationship. Frankly, how is an 18 year old supposed to know better. You adopt a sanctioned MO, and hope that it'll work for you, too.

    A few months into the relationship, both my BF and I had a talk on the subject. We loved each other. The sex was great. But both of us felt that we were missing out on our lives. Neither he nor I knew better at the time than to part our ways.

    A short while later we got on together as the best of FBs. It worked for both of us like a charm, and we parted again only once I moved to live abroad. There was simply far too much geography in-between.

    Ask yourself, how much are you gaining by limiting both his and your freedom?

    SC

  • HottJoe

    Posts: 21366

    Dec 27, 2014 6:45 PM GMT
    You seem way too invested in a relationship that was probably doomed from the start. I think your first mistake was trying to get someone you're not compatible with to commit to you. It sounds like you're trying to change him to suit yourself, and he doesn't have the maturity to just be honest with you. Frankly, if you want maturity, don't date guys who are younger than you.
  • muscleboundfe...

    Posts: 392

    Dec 27, 2014 7:30 PM GMT
    HottJoe saidYou seem way too invested in a relationship that was probably doomed from the start. I think your first mistake was trying to get someone you're not compatible with to commit to you. It sounds like you're trying to change him to suit yourself, and he doesn't have the maturity to just be honest with you. Frankly, if you want maturity, don't date guys who are younger than you.


    Your husband is so lucky to have you
  • HndsmKansan

    Posts: 16311

    Dec 27, 2014 7:55 PM GMT
    I read all that you wrote from the beginning. Unfortunate that you even need to worry about such things.. bullshit online and feel that doing follow up is required. Maybe I'm uninformed (and not into trusting my partner blindly), but I just hate the idea of checking up.

    That said, I think you have to have trust back in your relationship. I thought your ending about the age difference was telling (about him).

    I think you need to set up ground "policy" as to how you both will act online (and both agree to it). Too much crap that can be explained away or for you to judge conclusions. Make it black and white (or right or wrong) and plan to live by them. If he doesn't, you have a decision to make.

    Trust is so very important. I had it with my partner for 13 years... I did find out some unfortunate behavior at the end, but we were already breaking up.
    I'd rather have a solid relationship or nothing.
    But that's just me. Good luck with it.
  • atlmvp

    Posts: 4

    Dec 27, 2014 8:06 PM GMT
    Thanks all. I'm concluding that I rationalize things too much. Somewhere along the way, I put up a wall which led to this need to analyze every little thing. I allowed myself to be consumed by my worries that I forgot that first and foremost that he loves me and that I love him. I let my mind wander in multiple directions even though my heart and gut knows he wouldn't cheat on me which led to my mistrust. All relationships have their issues and moments, we all know their is no such thing as a perfect relationship. It's how we get through it that will either make the relationship stronger or weaker. The event that took place over a week ago (I failed to mention that he told me that I am not as affectionate as I used to be and that I don't give him as much attention) was my undoing. I'm not justifying his actions, but it's my actions that led to this point. We made it a point that we would get through this move together. I know that neither of us will want to let go so easily. We have sacrificed a lot for each other, invested a lot into each other and our relationship. I know, together, we will work through whatever it is that allowed it to get to this point.
  • Joeyphx444

    Posts: 2382

    Dec 28, 2014 8:12 PM GMT
    I'm sorry but there is no reason a guy should be on one of those apps while he is in a monogamous relationship
  • Dominican_Gen...

    Posts: 379

    Dec 28, 2014 10:47 PM GMT
    Since you asked for advice:
    atlmvp saidMy boyfriend and I have been together for 9, almost 10 months. We have a fairly solid relationship.
    [...]
    I have more experience with relationships than he does.

    FAIL

    Apparently, you don't have that much experience. How can you call a 10 months relationship solid? It obviously isn't or you wouldn't be having the trust issues you currently have (I've been there). If it was a 5+ years relationship then you could start talking about "solid".

    And your last post... reads like a bunch of self delusion. That "wall" that forces you to analyze every little detail is the subconscious yelling "it doesn't quite add up, wake up!"

    Since when you been slightly less affectionate justifies spending every waking hour on Grindr and not mentioning it to your BF?

    And again, keeping in mind it is a 10 months old relationship we are talking about, read your own writing:

    atlmvp saidWe have sacrificed a lot for each other, invested a lot into each other and our relationship. I know, together, we will work through whatever it is that allowed it to get to this point.


    Relationships are not meant to be perfect, but neither are they meant to be this problematic from the start.

    I do agree that it's both of your responsibility: He appears to be a lying manipulative horned up dog. And you appear to have a low self esteem with codependency issues.

    Finally, you are 28 and 19 and already relocated across country for the guy? Please, please, please make sure you are having safe sex with him and not just trusting him because the relationship is SO SOLID.

    On the bright side: Your dating and wits do get better with age. So don't despair about it.
  • RockHard07

    Posts: 11

    Dec 28, 2014 11:06 PM GMT
    Hmm i say this to you talk it out because it has been 9 months and you and him have talked about this before just say you are starting to feel a bit uncomfortable with the way things are now love is one thing lust is another i want to understand we are on the same page so theres no misunderstanding and see how he reacts to you if the answer work it out if you doubt it then make plans to live for you
  • AMoonHawk

    Posts: 11406

    Dec 29, 2014 12:26 AM GMT
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  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 29, 2014 1:48 AM GMT
    Bottom line is go with your gut...not your brain, not your heart. Sit down and have an honest conversation with yourself, then make the grown-up decision that's best for you, whether your heart wants you to or not.
  • O5vx

    Posts: 3154

    Dec 29, 2014 8:32 AM GMT
    I think the issue is with you. If you trust your bf, like you claim you did, you should have no cause to look at his phone or stalking him on grindr. So far, everything you've told us suggest that your bf is just looking to pass time where he is at. The fact that he has friends there before does not mean he should not attempt to make new friends. Being possessive is not a good trait and I will suggest you back off a bit; show him that you trust him. Let him know what your concerns are and device a way to ensure that there is communication on a constant basis about the status of your relationship. Like some people have said, he may very well be cheating, but it will eventually backfire and make you look really bad if you keep snooping. Relax a little will you.
  • Destinharbor

    Posts: 4435

    Dec 29, 2014 2:57 PM GMT
    atlmvp saidThanks all. I'm concluding that I rationalize things too much. Somewhere along the way, I put up a wall which led to this need to analyze every little thing. I allowed myself to be consumed by my worries that I forgot that first and foremost that he loves me and that I love him. I let my mind wander in multiple directions even though my heart and gut knows he wouldn't cheat on me which led to my mistrust. All relationships have their issues and moments, we all know their is no such thing as a perfect relationship. It's how we get through it that will either make the relationship stronger or weaker. The event that took place over a week ago (I failed to mention that he told me that I am not as affectionate as I used to be and that I don't give him as much attention) was my undoing. I'm not justifying his actions, but it's my actions that led to this point. We made it a point that we would get through this move together. I know that neither of us will want to let go so easily. We have sacrificed a lot for each other, invested a lot into each other and our relationship. I know, together, we will work through whatever it is that allowed it to get to this point.

    I really think all the negative comments here reflect on the sad experiences of so many people, gay and straight, whose trust was broken. From both your original post to this it sounds like a solid, loving partnership. I wouldn't be surprised if you two made it the long haul. Congratulations. Two issues: your checking up on your guy and his desire to flirt online sometimes. As you say, every relationship has its moments. You stop checking and simply understand that when he's away, or even home, he may get a little horny for a taste of his single life. Doesn't mean he's acting on it. Even Jimmy Carter confessed to the sin of "lusting in his thoughts" occasionally. That in no way suggests there's any deficiency in your sex life; it just says he's a healthy male. And you're a good guy to understand. There may come a time when one of you slips badly (though this isn't it) and it will test you two to know deep in your hearts that you will hold on. Do the work to repair. To continue the love. Everyone talks about having to work at a good partnership but few are really willing to do it. Those who do and who have a guy who loves them as fiercely are the ones that make it. That's true love.
  • Sodajoy

    Posts: 19

    Dec 29, 2014 3:06 PM GMT
    if i were you , i will just screenshot the profile and send it to him.
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    Dec 29, 2014 4:58 PM GMT
    atlmvp saidFast forward to December 24. Currently, he is home (in another state) visiting his family. He has his GMail account linked on my tablet. On Christmas Day, I went to switch to my account and I noticed a notification about a password reset to Grindr. (We met on Grindr and we both still had our accounts, we did not delete them entirely.) So I fired up my account and since he was "starred" I saw that he was online just a few minutes before we spoke on the phone. He has been constantly on it and logged in, although I know where he is and who he is with. We text or call each other since he got to where his family lives. His profile was updated that to where he lives and a new profile pic. He is looking for Chat, Networking, and Friends, but his status states Single.


    Of course, your boyfriend is currently wondering what you are doing all the time on Grindr... Actually, he's probably only online because he wants to check out how much time you are currently spending on there!

    If he heavily invested into a fetish you are not into, but at the same time you demand monogamy of act and thought, you'll end up in a river of tears. He wants something that you are unable/unwilling to provide, but at the same time you erect a barrier for him to get it elsewhere. Do you really want to become his bonerkill?

    Try talking with him openly about boundaries: what you are willing to concede, vs. what you consider inviolable. Considering what you considered "unacceptable" above, I'd think it's probably you who might have to adjust expectations.
  • atlmvp

    Posts: 4

    Dec 30, 2014 4:03 PM GMT
    [quote]Of course, your boyfriend is currently wondering what you are doing all the time on Grindr... Actually, he's probably only online because he wants to check out how much time you are currently spending on there!

    If he heavily invested into a fetish you are not into, but at the same time you demand monogamy of act and thought, you'll end up in a river of tears. He wants something that you are unable/unwilling to provide, but at the same time you erect a barrier for him to get it elsewhere. Do you really want to become his bonerkill?

    Try talking with him openly about boundaries: what you are willing to concede, vs. what you consider inviolable. Considering what you considered "unacceptable" above, I'd think it's probably you who might have to adjust expectations.[/quote]

    I am not into the fetish, but I do participate. I do more than his friends' partners do and they all envy my bf. I do as much as I can.

    We both agreed at the beginning that we are both not into open relationships. I would never consider one and neither would he. I guess my thoughts differs vastly from what seems like a majority of men these days.
  • MikemikeMike

    Posts: 6932

    Dec 30, 2014 4:24 PM GMT
    atlmvp said[quote]Of course, your boyfriend is currently wondering what you are doing all the time on Grindr... Actually, he's probably only online because he wants to check out how much time you are currently spending on there!

    If he heavily invested into a fetish you are not into, but at the same time you demand monogamy of act and thought, you'll end up in a river of tears. He wants something that you are unable/unwilling to provide, but at the same time you erect a barrier for him to get it elsewhere. Do you really want to become his bonerkill?

    Try talking with him openly about boundaries: what you are willing to concede, vs. what you consider inviolable. Considering what you considered "unacceptable" above, I'd think it's probably you who might have to adjust expectations.


    I am not into the fetish, but I do participate. I do more than his friends' partners do and they all envy my bf. I do as much as I can.

    We both agreed at the beginning that we are both not into open relationships. I would never consider one and neither would he. I guess my thoughts differs vastly from what seems like a majority of men these days. [/quote]
    It seems you're trying to change him. Doesn't sound like he wants monogamy. Your relationship is short to have all these problems! Met on grindr bad start. He is into stuff sounds like your not. Let him go be a single fucktart and do his grindr fetish shit. Move on. Guys on here rarely take good adviceicon_idea.gif
  • Destinharbor

    Posts: 4435

    Dec 30, 2014 4:33 PM GMT
    Fetishes are sometimes just for the imagination. I have some I would never actually act on. I know my partner does, too. It took me a while to learn that he really prefers to NOT involve me in these mental flights of fantasy as our relationship is based on love and reality and the fetish is not of that realm. And honestly I would never want to act on my fantasy fetish with my partner or really with anyone. It's just a fantasy. I see that as a positive. We are guys and a creative sexual imagination is a good thing. So what if the internet provides an access to mentally play with a fantasy? I do not feel that is cheating in any way. If a partnership can't allow even that, then there are insecurity issues and frankly, it is a bit insulting to your partner to NOT trust him to limit his fetish activities to online only. I fully believe if my guy ever wanted to actually act on his, he would talk to me about it and we'd figure it out together. I would, too.