How can I truly accept myself and stop feeling bad

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 31, 2014 12:12 AM GMT
    I'm always giving people advice: "Do you. Be yourself and don't worry about what other people have to say," stuff like that, but I can never take my own advice. Smh. So yeah, I don't even like saying it, but I'm gay. I'm like 99.9% sure I am. I like dudes. I show no interest in women, although I pretend when I'm around my guy friend(s). It's literally causing me to be a mess. I'm slowly becoming depressed. I'm in community college and for the past few semesters, I've been doing poorly because I just feel so down and barely care about anything. I've had suicidal thoughts(I know I couldn't ever go through with it though) and sometimes I wish I was never born. I'm in the closet(I'm so deep in the closet I'm scared to upload a pic of me because I fear someone might know me and say something) I want to date but there's no gay people here and I don't use dating apps cause I'm scared to upload a pic of myself). Only 2 people where I live know that I'm attracted to dudes. My best friend and her boyfriend. The only reason I told them was because I already knew they support gay people. They even told me how I shouldn't feel bad and just live my life and not care what other people think. The thing is,
    I try not to feel bad, but I always end up feeling bad anyway. I still catch myself trying to make myself like a girl. I can't recall ever getting a hardon from looking at a goodlooking girl, but a guy? I'm hard in less than 30 secs. My family is kinda judgmental. I mean, I have a cousin I grew up with and he's gay. But a few years ago he tried to commit suicide but luckily he's still alive. He lives with his bf and he's happy. What I'm not liking, is how my family is all buddy buddy to his face, but always make homophobic slurs and comments and shit behind his back. My uncle made a comment how he doesn't want him(my cousin who's gay)in his house and I felt shitty when I heard that. They're kind of ignorant but I still love them. I feel like my momma would accept me but deep down be devastated. My dad don't really like gay people. I always hear him say shit like "sissy" "punk". I'm not even a "sissy" type. I'm like a regular guy. If you were to talk to me you wouldn't even know I'm gay unless I told you, so maybe he'd be accepting, probably just take awhile. It's just.. I wanna come out to my family, but finding it hard to. Every time I start to feel good for once, they make fun of gay people on tv or something and it fucks up my mood. I just wanna get it over with so I can be true to myself and find someone I could maybe be in a relationship with and stop being so depressing, but I'm worried. I don't want them looking at me differently or treating me differently or talking behind my back. Mainly just my parents. I couldn't care about the rest cause I barely see them anyway. Sorry for this being so long but I just had to get that out somehow. And I live in a redneck town but I don't think anyone would fuck with me. I'm not in high school no more so I wouldn't have to worried about getting bullied. How can I just accept myself fully? How do I even tell my folks? I don't even like whispering "I'm gay" to myself. Hell I don't like typing it either. I wanna wait until I move out but ain't no telling when that'll be. I feel like they're gonna not like it cause of what other people might think(I live in a really ignorant ass neighborhood. I wish I could move NOW).. I just wanna get it over with but worried and not sure how to say it. icon_sad.gif
  • EricLA

    Posts: 3461

    Jan 02, 2015 2:43 AM GMT
    I feel for you. I was closeted until 23. It took moving from the Bay Area to Los Angeles to attend college. I knew at at 11 or 12 that I was gay. But, it was in my early teens that HIV/AIDS became known and that made me flee deeper into the closet.

    One thing you have that I didn't have was the Internet. I thought I might never meet another gay person. How would I ever find them? There was nothing gay on TV.

    What helped me when I reached my breaking point in college, when I was tired of living in repression and depression, was first talking with a therapist. See if your community college provides free or discount mental health. You need someone to help reverse those negative messages you tell yourself.

    Then try to find an LGBT group on campus or nearby so you can make gay friends. By seeing other people who accept themselves, you'll realize there's nothing to fear.

    Coming out to friends and family should come later when you're more confident about yourself. And if you have family members, especially parents on whom you rely for a roof over your head and food on the table and education expenses, that if they're homophobic or could reject you, you should wait to tell them until you're on your own.

    And watch those "It Gets Better" and "I'm from Driftwood" videos. Not everyone's story is the same. Some are great, some are horrible, some are mixed. But hearing those experiences and how these people navigated and survived them can be a form of support, too.
  • BmwKid92

    Posts: 1097

    Jan 02, 2015 3:17 AM GMT
    that paragraph is way too intimidating, but i have an idea what your thinking. all in all, life keeps going, it'll get better. stay blessed, happy 15'
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 03, 2015 2:40 AM GMT
    Concentrate on your education. Get that diploma, get a job, take care of yourself (do not rely on your parents' financial support), move out, and then live your own life on your own terms without needing anyone's approval. I know that seems like a long way off but you'll look back and marvel how fast time went by.