How to forget a crush and self esteem problem?

  • ven91

    Posts: 1

    Dec 31, 2014 12:19 PM GMT
    Hello, i'm from Italy and i've been reading forums on RJ for a while, but this is my very first post, and i wanted some advices because this thing is really bugging me.

    I try to keep it brief,
    so, basically last March i met this 36yo guy (let's call him A.) on a gay chat, he was really my type, and we messaged a lot on whatsapp, and i found out he was also witty and clever, so we decided to meet up in person for an aperitivo that weekend.
    On friday night, i went clubbing with a friend, and there unexpectedly I meet A in the toilet hallway, i was really drunk, so was he, i just gibber something and went for shots with my friend, then i turned around and saw A. making out with my other friend!
    So the following day, i added him up on fb, and that night we met, and i found him really charming, and ended up having sex at my place.

    NOTE: that was my first time! i was 22yo btw, i was really curious and i liked him a lot.

    the next morning, he texted me a lotta emoticons and cute messages, and the days passed, just getting to know each others and having fun.
    He is like a 36yo wolf, who is only into youngers, he has some issues with his past love-hate ralationship, and he was seeing a shrink for that.
    To a normal person that would have been a big red sign alert, but all of this just made me like him even more.

    NOTE: he also said he was not sure about if he would like having a boyfriend (so he thought icon_mad.gif), so basically it was a fwb situation.

    I introduced him to my friends, went clubbing together (and he sometimes made out with other guys, while i was there)...
    All of my friends were kinda suspicious about him.
    I also met a friend of him, and basically figured out, a lot of his friends were originally his hookups.
    And i tried to stay away from him some times, being aloof, but i always ended up meeting with him and believing him saying i was cute, and that he was into me and stuff.

    The problem started when during a night, both tipsy, i ended up blabbing to him about some deep issues of mine, and i felt he could understand me, felt him even closer to me.
    But then 1 month later, i went to London for a 5day-holiday and when i got back he was really aloof, and stand-offish.
    He told me he met another guy and did not want things to get complicated.
    Since then we met a couple of times, giving me this feeling of him leaving him hanging, i was just a spineless being hoping, inside of me, he would choose me.
    And so in May, i see a pic of him together with this other guy, He also updated his Grindr status to "committed" and then "partnered", and they have dating ever since, until last month. (i guess)
    (In May i unfriended him on fb)

    I spent an awful summer, checking out his Instagram, and comparing myself to that new hipster guy (i know, worst thing to do).
    On halloween night, i met both of them at the club, just said "hi" and A. was also being kind of haughty, i felt like shit, comparing myself to the new guy.
    The following day, A. texted me saying "he's sorry i unfriended him on fb, and that he would be open to have a chat if we meet again by chance".
    I ended by replying "i don't have any interest in collecting ppl on fb, and that if we meet by chance i'll just say "hi" etc.
    The thing is that he kept logging in chat kinda everyday even though he was in a relationship, AND lately he deleted his Grindr account.
    So my mind just went psyco, and thought they might have broken up or something.
    If you ever saw "500 Days of Summer" , this whole thing was kinda a gay version of that movie, me being Tom.
    I was a completely naive puppy boy who ended up falling in love with an older player; the first guy that came around and liked me and that later got into a relationship with another guy.
    And ever since i just had some casual fun to distract myself, i had self esteem issues, and i have not been able to focus on my studies.

    What should i do? icon_confused.gif
    I have also been thinking about texting him and see if we can stay friends, since
    even though he acted like a douche, we had a lot in common.

    ps: sorry for any grammar mistake, english is not my first language.
  • Buddha

    Posts: 1767

    Dec 31, 2014 3:54 PM GMT
    I'm sorry to say this but it seems very obvious that he's the guy who just wants to meet new people all the time.

    The biggest mistake people usually do is thinking "well, he said he doesn't want a BF but I will change that!". Usually the people these players end up with are people who accept the premise that the person they're fooling around with is just doing it for fun, and when it evolves to something different than just a hook-up it's because they've found something else than sex than anchor their relationship to.

    If he has a premise of just having sex, and you have the premise that you will change him to a monogamous type, you will almost inadvertedly get hurt.

    Also, don't try winning him over by trying to become the guy he's with. That's so Knives.

    ZskEEst.gif
  • Destinharbor

    Posts: 4435

    Dec 31, 2014 4:04 PM GMT
    Sorry but this is just too long to read. Shorten it if you want responses.
  • SilverRRCloud

    Posts: 875

    Jan 01, 2015 5:55 AM GMT
    Buddha saidI'm sorry to say this but it seems very obvious that he's the guy who just wants to meet new people all the time.

    The biggest mistake people usually do is thinking "well, he said he doesn't want a BF but I will change that!". Usually the people these players end up with are people who accept the premise that the person they're fooling around with is just doing it for fun, and when it evolves to something different than just a hook-up it's because they've found something else than sex than anchor their relationship to.

    If he has a premise of just having sex, and you have the premise that you will change him to a monogamous type, you will almost inadvertedly get hurt.

    Also, don't try winning him over by trying to become the guy he's with. That's so Knives.

    ZskEEst.gif


    nuf said.

    SC
  • AMoonHawk

    Posts: 11406

    Jan 01, 2015 6:29 AM GMT
    People always want what they can't have
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 02, 2015 4:10 PM GMT
    1. Older guys who are "clubbing" and looking for younger guys are going to end poorly for most guys in most cases. The supply of younger, hotter eye candy is constantly being refreshed.

    2. If your friends say that they find a guy you're dating to be a little "suspicious", give it a listen. It's not fool proof, but it's a warning usually that either you have blinders on about your date, about your friends... or maybe even both.

    3. If a guy is in a relationship and is still on Grindr updating his status... it gives you an idea of where his center is.

    If all of the above... and you continue to want to be "friends" with someone like that, then you can no longer blame him if you get hurt again by him. He's as advertised and you're willingly going along with it.

    Find other guys and find other things to do with your time and you'll be fine.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 02, 2015 10:27 PM GMT
    so many red flags lol.. i think uve learned a valuable lesson :s u two werent looking for the same things.. and u became obsessed with him and started checking up on his instagram/fb all the time. and the more u found out about his socializing with other guys. the more hurt u became.... but i applaud u for deleting him off ur fb..
  • IAmTheOneWhoK...

    Posts: 154

    Jan 03, 2015 4:00 AM GMT
    He's obviously not interested in being anything more with you than a fuck, and even that's once in a blue moon considering most of the time you've known him he's "been haughty" and "aloof". Nothing will ever happen with him.

    I mean, come on dude, you're not an idiot. The night you meet the guy he's making out with one of your friends. Open your eyes.
  • PE_Mike

    Posts: 75

    Jan 03, 2015 8:33 AM GMT
    it's standard guy code: "fuck 'em, and chuck 'em'

    you've been had. learn the lesson. move on