Finding out too much about ur ex..

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 02, 2015 5:54 AM GMT
    So my ex and i have broken up for a year now. reason for the breakup was he said that he can never be with a guy (closeted)... it was a long distance relationship (talked/skyped everyday, flew/drove to each other across the canadian/american border) we were each others first.

    so a year later after saying happy bday to him just this month.. i find out more about him in the past year.. he tells me he is now open to seeing guys. he even came out to his cousin.. and dated someone else in this past year and that guy cheated on him..

    im happy for him that he came out to someone.. but also a little bitter that he went on to date someone else wen we loved each other so much in the past. n the reason we broke up was because he cant be with a guy and now he is fine with being with guys..

    From this experience ive learned that i shud cut it short in conversations with ex's.. shudnt dig into the past because u can get hurt :s

    Anyone have similar experiences where they found out too much about their ex's life after breaking up?
  • SilverRRCloud

    Posts: 875

    Jan 02, 2015 6:29 AM GMT
    The thing you want to remember out of this experience is that once you broke up with someone - you broke up with someone.

    Both he and you are free to stay friends, chat, communicate, etc., but everyone is fully entitled to meet other guys and carry on with his life.

    You do not want to be hurt over this. You want to be cool with it. Your ex-BF moved on. So should you.

    Wish him luck, and you'll most likely get some in return. Reasonably happy and optimistic people are appealing to many.

    You rationalize your break up with your ex-BF the way you do. He may have a very different rationale for it but agreed to adopt your narrative rather than fight over his own truth when it mattered no more.

    Your profile shows loads of very good attitude and some great pix, too. Why wouldn't you start putting all of that capital to good use?

    SC

  • Destinharbor

    Posts: 4435

    Jan 02, 2015 6:00 PM GMT
    People grow and learn. You may be right about the cause of your breakup or not but surely you didn't expect him to stop seeing guys. Most of us who were ever closeted had a first few experiences that ended because one or the other wanted more than the other was willing to commit to but eventually we came out and embraced being gay. You should be happy for your ex. He's learning and coming to terms with being gay. Isn't that a good thing? Long distance relationships are hard. My guess is he connected with someone local and the relationship progressed to the point that it became an embarrassment to deny the importance of the boyfriend. Sometimes that can be avoided in long distance romances but not when a viable future with a guy you care for can be seen. But I understand your hurt feelings. I've been there, too. Shake it off and move on. Chalk it up to bad timing. Happens. Hurts, though. (Have you made any progress on exiting the closet? That should be a goal. 1015?)
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 02, 2015 8:26 PM GMT
    Yea i never expected him to stay in the closet after our breakup.. i knew eventually he'd come to terms with his identity :s

    but i cudnt help but still feel hurt by it a lil... im definitely happy for him that he came out.. i really am :s he's a great guy.. ive made progress myself and came out to my sister and hav tried dating others..

    i believe wen u love someone u give them a piece of urself that ull never get back.. but the heart has a lot to give and u move on. So i wanted to maintain some connection in the future with my ex as friends.. i guess it was jus a lil too soon that i started talkin to him again.

    thank you for the advice guys it means a lot to me! icon_biggrin.gif
  • Destinharbor

    Posts: 4435

    Jan 02, 2015 8:40 PM GMT
    Good for you, guy. I'm not sure you give anything away in relationships but you do create distinct memories that are important to you and will always be. They can also be useful and make you a better lover and partner in a future relationship. We learn as we go.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 03, 2015 7:01 PM GMT
    Whenever you go through a breakup, its perfectly fine to search for understanding. So I wouldn't say this is you "finding too much about your ex" unless you didn't want to know the hurtful parts.

    One thing is that sometimes what a guy thinks is the reason is not necessarily what is the actual reason. I once broke up with an ex because we "didn't have enough interests in common." At the time, I honestly thought that was the reason why we weren't connecting. But then the next few guys I dated, we had things in common and it didn't last as long. And then others, we had little in common and it lasted longer. After experiencing other guys, I learned a lot more about myself and i now realize that the reason I broke up with him was because he wasn't capable of intimacy and that bled over into every interaction.

    I'm not saying that your ex wasn't lying to you. He may have been. Or he may have just not understood himself well enough at the time to be able to articulate what he was feeling.

    Last thing, sometimes we look for "what did I do wrong?" Go easy on yourself if this is the case. In this situation you had a couple challenges that most relationships don't survive... long distance + closeted guy. Keep your head up.
  • wesv

    Posts: 907

    Jan 04, 2015 9:27 PM GMT
    Never date a closet case. What's the point if they're not comfortable?

    I broke up with my ex because he was so insulting. From day 1 I should have known better. I remember when I woke up in the morning after we had sex, he said "you know I was right about to go on the other team and date women but you saved me." How's that a compliment? That's just awkward and extremely rude. If he wanted to date women, he should have. I'm no one's middle man.

    Every fucking day was like "I love tits." I only have pecs so fuck someone else.
  • aaron123dodo

    Posts: 28

    Jan 04, 2015 10:47 PM GMT
    wesv saidNever date a closet case. What's the point if they're not comfortable?

    Every fucking day was like "I love tits." I only have pecs so fuck someone else.


    Closeted =/= In Denial. At least, not always. Closeted and bi =/= So insecure that he'd say things that risk hurting the guy he sleeps with. At least, not always. Some people stay closeted because they don't want to compromise themselves, other people stay closeted because they don't want to compromise others. Same result, very different mentalities.

    One of the biggest draw of closet cases is sincerity and lack of games, something that often wears down as one gets more experienced. But in your case you just got unlucky, sounds like he can't let go of his games... I'd say it's more of a person problem than closet case problem...