I broke up with my boyfriend because I was afraid of being in a relationship with a man.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 03, 2015 4:30 PM GMT
    I know this is ridiculously long so scroll down near the bottom for a short version.

    I was dating this amazing guy for 6 months, I consider myself bi (but I'm also not out to the world about it). However, not many of my friends or family know that I have even the slightest interest in men. From the moment I met him I practically moved in with him and we were living together. We spent nearly every day together, he encouraged me to go back to school, helped me with job resumes, and was always there for me. Needless to say I fell for him and I fell hard. He was my first boyfriend (ever) coming off the heels of a relationship that I had with a girl 3 1/2 months prior to meeting him.

    Sometimes we'd have pillow talks and when discussing our future I told him how no matter what I want a wife and kid but who knows, things could change (I know, how rude). Well, once I started school, things kind of took a nose dive. We had had arguments and small bickering here and there before but nothing ever too big. I was working two jobs and he had an internship that he got laid off from at the end of the summer and couldn't find another job, so he was at home all the time (his parents who were financially supporting him gave him an ultimatum that if he didn't have a job by November that he would have to move back home). The more he was at home the more he felt like a prisoner, and he would go out and on the weekends and drink with his roommates to relieve whatever stress had accumulated (which was fine with me, really I trusted him with everything I had). It's just, I was working two jobs and was a full time student and I never had time to be with him!

    Things started coming to a head. I kept throwing up defense mechanisms because I really, really liked him but I was scared to death that I would have to come out to everyone I know that I was gay (because I was in a monogamous relationship with a man). I would say things like maybe we weren't meant to be together, and stuff like that. I ended it near the beginning of October when I went back to my own apartment for a while and distanced myself from him.

    That was a huge mistake.

    I told him on a Saturday that I needed to go over and talk to him. That was when I broke up with him. I took all of my stuff that night, aside from an iPad charger. A couple of days later I sent him an e-mail saying how this was for the best and that it might seem like I broke his heart but that I actually broke both of our hearts. He never responded. I asked for my iPad charger back and he sent his roommate down to give it to me. Then just wanting to illicit a response out of him sent him a series of texts that he finally responded to and that was the only response I have ever gotten from him. It wasn't a very hopeful e-mail.

    Soon after, I sent another e-mail, confessing to him how I loved him but also telling him I was afraid of coming out to the world in an attempt to create some kind of empathy for me (I had told my gay friends and really close like best friends about he and I) and then pleading for his forgiveness. Still silence. From the beginning of November up until Christmas I would try and make some kind of contact whether it be a text or a phone call or a voicemail. Each and every time he has done nothing but be silent. I have poured over the Internet, almost on a daily basis looking for tips on getting your ex back, asking questions about what this could mean or what that could mean. The things that are written about the silent treatment are nothing short of nice. Words like:

    immature, narcissistic, co-dependent, spoiled, etc. appear all the time.

    But I don't believe that's him. That's not the guy I know. I had to unfriend him from Twitter, Instagram, and Facebook just to TRY to stop stalking him. But that hasn't helped, in fact I think it only pushed a wedge further in between us because not long after did he unfollow me from Instagram.

    We still follow each other on Spotify though, and the music he listens to only offers me a glimmer of hope. And I'm obsessed with looking into the lyrics of every song he listens to.

    The last time I tried getting in contact with him was on Christmas Day, I sent him a text saying Merry Christmas that he never responded to. I deleted him off social media because I shocked. But I sent him one text telling him how I told my mom about us and an accompanying poem and said to not take what I did personally because of how much despair I was in.

    He has not said one word to me in over two months.

    My heart is broken you guys. Do any of you have any sort of advice for me? What could be going on in his head? Will he ever speak to me again? Forgive me? Is there any shot in the world that we could get back together? I have tried everything I can the past three months short of going to therapy and that's I why I find myself here. I just want to be with him again, he means so much to me and I let him down so badly.

    PS I go on Grindr all the time, but not to meet other people, I really don't, I know the type of guy that I like and he is the one. The only reason I log on is to see when the last time he was logged on, and you know what? He's on it every single day. It only crushed my heart further. Why is he on it all the time?

    Any answers would help, sorry for this being so long.

    Too long; didn't read version

    Broke up with my boyfriend because I was scared of coming out to friends and family.
    Now he's giving me the silent treatment after multiple attempts at getting in contact with him.
    He's on Grindr all the time, why?
    Will he ever forgive me? Will we ever get back together? Do I need to just accept the fact that I'll never be with him again?
    What's his deal?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 04, 2015 6:34 AM GMT
    Really? Nothing?
  • Unnamed6

    Posts: 1134

    Jan 04, 2015 8:09 AM GMT
    themightyyule saidReally? Nothing?


    If he's on Grindr now, I presume to hookup with other guys, is he really "the one"?
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    Jan 04, 2015 8:36 PM GMT
    Actually you don't have to come out when other people say you must. You can decide for yourself. Unfortunately guys in your position don't realize this because of the constant haranguing about how everyone has to come out. Of course that would require certain modifications to your relationship/life such as not portraying yourself as a couple to your family. But it's generally pretty easy to dodge questions about your relationship with innocuous comments such as "we enjoy spending time together" or "we have a lot in common" if people ask you what's going on, and you can simply decline to state your sexuality if someone is rude enough to ask you point blank (you're not required to do so until you feel ready). In short, you don't have to distance yourself from your man ... you just have to be honest about your concerns and tell him you aren't ready to come out to the world yet and see if that is acceptable to him. It sounds like the best thing you could do at this point would be to lay everything out to him and tell him you're not ready to come out to the world but want to be with him because you love him. Then you'll have to accept whatever his answer is, which may include him saying that you have to come out, thus requiring another decision by you.

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    Jan 04, 2015 9:15 PM GMT


    This part: "Things started coming to a head. I kept throwing up defense mechanisms because I really, really liked him but I was scared to death that I would have to come out to everyone I know that I was gay (because I was in a monogamous relationship with a man). I would say things like maybe we weren't meant to be together, and stuff like that. I ended it near the beginning of October when I went back to my own apartment for a while and distanced myself from him."

    I think you convinced him.
  • AlessandroVR

    Posts: 5

    Jan 04, 2015 9:36 PM GMT
    themightyyule said

    My heart is broken you guys. Do any of you have any sort of advice for me?


    Sorry, but the only person immature here is you. You should grow up and understand that if you are so in love to a man, then your only chance to be happy is living with him FOR REAl (I mean, without social lies and all this hiding stuff).

    Despite you said you're bissexual, it seems you only feel true love for a man. (You don't say nothing about some a girl or doubts on stay with men or women). It is clear you have to accept yourself, my friend, to be happy.

    If I was your ex, I would answer just this message: "I want to live with you without hiding anymore. I'm ready".
  • Destinharbor

    Posts: 4433

    Jan 04, 2015 9:38 PM GMT
    You know, I read things like this and wonder. You completely disrespected him and any hurt you might be causing and now you want him to try again? He'd have to be crazy. You made this bed. You lie in it. Next time at least try to think of the other guy in the relationship as someone who has needs and feelings. You're too immature to have a relationship. You only think of yourself. Like a 2 year old running around hollering me me me mine mine mine.
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    Jan 04, 2015 11:41 PM GMT
    With such a nonjudgmental reception, I can't imagine why you would have any hesitation in coming out.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 05, 2015 1:51 AM GMT
    You should move on. Out guys don't want to go through the whole closeted drama again. They have had enough already when they were inside the closet. If you can't come out of the closet, then find a similar closeted guy. Out guys don't want to be the non-existent partner or boyfriend. He did give you a chance when he decided to date you, even after knowing that you are closeted. He was trying to make it work and it seems you blew it.
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    Jan 05, 2015 8:02 AM GMT
    I should clarify again that I live in Los Angeles and I'm a man who is comfortable in his bisexuality. Meaning, I don't believe in the gender binary, I believe in love. The idea of being out and about in Los Angeles holding hands with my man was never a problem for me.

    Having to post something on Facebook where all of my past girlfriends, employers, and military buddies was something that I was a little nervous about. Sadly, the majority of the population has trouble recognizing bisexuality as a true form of sexuality, they think it's a black and white issue. I believe it covers many shades of grey. Posting pictures of me and my man kissing or "in a relationship" would have taken the context of me and my sexuality out of my control which is what scared the crap out of me. After breaking up with him did I come to terms with the idea that I really shouldn't give a fuck what anyone thinks about who I love as long as I'm happy with that person. And I was. I never have been more so with anybody else.

    To the person that said I didn't mention girls enough, please go dig a ditch and lie in it.

    This post revolved around the idea of talking to people, and finding out their opinions on why my ex completely stopped talking to me after I e-mailed him the truth as to why I broke up with him.

    If you live in Los Angeles like I do, and go out to West Hollywood like I do, and have half a brain like I do, then you know that WeHo can be an incestuous cesspool of mindless sex, drugs, alcohol abuse and multiple hookups within a matter of hours.

    I have experienced this, and it is extraordinary and it gets old REALLY fast. My ex, however, was nothing like this. He was a caring, thoughtful man who wanted nothing of it. We talked multiple times and he let me come out to my friends on my own terms.

    I really don't mean to convolute this whole thread, I really just had a few questions to ask. All any of you have shown me that maybe it is time to go to a love lost support group somewhere in the Los Angeles area.

    For the few who lent out constructive criticism, thank you. Yes, I was immature, do I not belong in a relationship? Tough question, everyone deserves to be in one, however, life is a path paved with lessons, and this is just another lesson for me to learn. My only hope is that one day he forgives me. Because I learned my lesson.

  • Jan 23, 2015 4:49 AM GMT
    It takes time... dont beat yourself up.
    Everybody gets a turn.
  • Noeton

    Posts: 208

    Jan 23, 2015 7:00 AM GMT
    I don't see how being in a relationship and one or more partners being in the closet is ever going to work for the long term, because at some point down the your family's needs and expectations will have to start coming in second to your partner's needs and expectations.
  • Tig3r

    Posts: 139

    Jan 23, 2015 4:10 PM GMT
    Here's my advice: Move on.

    You broke his heart more than you know. It sounded like he really needed your help and your support, but you were too concerned with what others thought of you that you jumped ships, and left him to drown.

    If he survived that shipwreck, and crawled out of his mental sadness, I highly doubt you are even on the list of people he would look at.

    PS. Never tell the guy you're in a relationship with that "I want a wife and kids." A bi guy once told me that and it kind of threw me back, like "Oh, so what you're saying is that I am wasting my time, energy, and love on someone who wants to marry someone else?"
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    Jan 23, 2015 7:36 PM GMT
    gay or straight your relationship should be just as or more important as what your parents have or had.
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    Jan 24, 2015 8:03 AM GMT
    The reasons why your ex is not contacting you are based on a simple viewpoint: you hurt his feelings. Think about it dude! You stabbed him in the heart and then told him thru some poem after telling your mom about you and he, not to take it personally! WHAT THE FUCK?!! After all that crap you put him through, he shouldn't take it personally???

    Your ex stopped talking to you because of the damage you did! Most likely, he doesn't want to contact you because getting back together or even being friends, would mean he runs the risk of having his feelings hurt again. So why would he take that risk?

    My advice to you is that you continue to see your therapist and clearly state to your therapist that you have two goals: 1) how do you get over your ex and 2) ensuring that you don't do this again in future relationships, man or woman.
  • Inque

    Posts: 517

    Jan 24, 2015 4:05 PM GMT
    So basically after playing with his emotions and yo-yoing around you expect him to even entertain the idea of speaking to you? Imagine if he had did to YOU what you did to him. Would you want to be bothered?

    I say just accept it as a loss and that when you meet the next person who lets you into their heart don't fuck it up like you did last time. Don't be insecure. How many times do we really get chances at love?
  • whytehot

    Posts: 1165

    Jan 24, 2015 8:33 PM GMT
    lol @ inque telling someone not to be insecure rolleyes.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 24, 2015 8:48 PM GMT
    whytehot saidlol @ inque telling someone not to be insecure rolleyes.gif


    Which a LOT better than being an asshole, whytehot.
  • AnonymKOIA

    Posts: 90

    Feb 01, 2015 5:38 PM GMT
    I think 3 months is too long to make someone understand your reasons and forgive you. I know you are hurting but I think you should try to heal and start looking. You didn't say where two of you met but he cant be the only guy who can make you happy. It is never nice to lose someone that you love.

    He is not responding because you hurt him. You telling him that no matter what "you will have a wife and a kid" was just so wrong and I dont think he has forgotten about it. At this point(after 3 months) he must be over the anger. It seems like most guys are emotionally weak and narrow minded.If he loves you he will forgive you or has already forgiven you,he was your first,you had just started with this m2m. I suggest you try to go to his place and have face to face talk,tell him that you are sorry and that he should try to see where you are coming from, If two people truly love each other they will always find it in their hearts to forgive each other. You can text him before you go to his place to let him know that you just want to talk to him and not that you want him back but because it is hard for you to live knowing that you hurt him due to circumstances as you mentioned.

    If he does not take you back, you should be thankful that it is over because it will not be the last time where he will have have to forgive you and vice versa,it is life,you are bound to make mistakes and this time around he should definitely understand because you were conflicted. He was your first guy,if he does not take you back swallow your heart and move on,you will be alright. You will meet someone who will make you happy again. I only wish that he takes you back though. Goodluck
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 22, 2015 9:42 PM GMT
    What part of "he doesn't want any part of you ever again" are you not getting?
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    Feb 22, 2015 11:28 PM GMT
    I've watched this situation so many times. I do feel empathy and sorry for you, but you hurt him too bad.

    As most people have said, heal, let him heal, and try to find love again and not make the same mistake.

    I wish you both the best.
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    Feb 23, 2015 4:18 PM GMT
    I think he has a right to be made at you. You ditched him because of your fear of coming out which is pretty mean. if he is still mad at you for a long time then forget about him.
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    Feb 28, 2015 1:20 PM GMT
    You made a mistake. Now move on to someone new.