I feel unlovable, that dating a guy is beyond my reach.

  • NeuralShock

    Posts: 411

    Jan 04, 2015 3:35 PM GMT
    tl;dr:
    -Out of the closet and fine with sexuality.

    -Has had nothing but nonstop terrible experiences with guys.
    *And I don't mean just 'aw that sucks' I mean like being cheated on, groped, verbally abused to tears, led on.

    -Raped early this December

    -Told friend about rape, they ended up being in process of coming out. Was amazing, truly amazing relationship.
    ... Told me this New Years Day he wants to see other guys over facebook and has no interest in a relationship.

    -I feel empty, hollow. Depressed, feeling literally like human garbage, losing sense of self worth. Feeling absolutely unlovable.

    -Worried about becoming hateful, jaded, bitter. Not these things right now, but can feel them coming on.

    -I know who I am and I am a positive and caring and happy person with a sharp sense of humor who is successful financially and academics-wise. I like to think I am fairly cute. I don't know why I am so brutally unsuccessful in relationships.

    -I feel like I would be better off being hit by a semi and dead than continue to feel this 'trapped' feeling. I feel like I cannot escape no matter what I do. It has been YEARS of futile effort. Years.

    Full thing:
    I've been out of the closet for years now, easily 5. I've never had any issue with my sexuality since then in any way shape or form. But for years now I've tried to get into a relationship with someone, I've tried POF and OKCupid or even Tumblr or talking to friends and 'networking'. It overall seems and feels like there is no one out there for me. I know this sounds like an exaggeration, but I am being serious- I've had nothing but complete and absolute failure in any sort of relationship.

    And the worst part is I am becoming hateful from it! I find that from this last event that happened on New Years Day I am starting to become everything I don't want to be. Jealous, bitter, hateful. I don't want to be any of those things.

    A bit earlier, in 2014, I met up with a guy who met everything I could ever hope for in someone. He was smart, funny, and seemed sincere. We met up many times over the course of a few months, talked everyday and he was great. When I went over to his house (he rents a room) we ended up cuddling and kissing for a while and honestly? I was so amazingly happy. It ended up transforming into him raping me very early this December when I was at his place. Full blown raped, despite there having not been a single inclination such a thing could have happened. I actually thought he was perfect before that point.


    After that I confided in a friend of mine, he seemed sooooo amazing and he was in the process of coming out of the closet but treated me like gold. We'd travel around in his Truck just talking nonstop for hours- he truly became someone I liked deeper than just a friend over the course of a few weeks of nonstop highs. Things finally closed with the most amazing date night on New Years Eve, where we even rented a fancy hotel room and he bought me some crazy expensive rootbeer and reeses peanut butter cups and it was just so amazing I felt so blessed and fortunate. I brought in the new year cuddling him and kissing him- I was in total bliss.


    Less than 24 hours later I get a message from him on facebook (yeah, ow) saying how he isn't ready for a relationship. He said I am cute, funny, smart and all these things but how he doesn't want to be exclusive and isn't ready for any sort of relationship and he wants to experiment more. Honest truth? I feel a bit heartbroken over it. I feel subpar, ugly, dull and cheap- like my value was diminished somehow and I am now just garbage that no one wants.

    "Not wanting to be exlusive?" Basically sounds like 'I want a relationship... but not with YOU.'

    I keep hearing a recurring theme of how gay guys don't settle down till they are 30... I feel dysfunctional because I want a relationship, I only just turned 23 so I feel totally weirded out by this all! I need to wait SEVEN more years before I can get a guy wanting a relationship!?Honestly? I've known that 'fact' for years now and it's torn me up inside. But everytime I try and date someone within my age range it's ended the same as these two most recent cases. I've been groped unwillingly on campus before, I've been led on in order to make their 'real boyfriend' jealous, the list of blunders is endless.

    I don't know what to do at this point, I am feeling myself becoming hateful and bitter and these are qualities I do NOT have and do not want to have. But come on... I feel like I've been kicked and beaten down so hard that it is actually hilarious. Like my life basically seems to boil down to some cruel and fucked up rom-com where I am always the villain/loser!

    I'd like to think that I am a truly good, caring, hard working and very successful person- and I am successful! I have a lot of achievements and a lot of things going for me that I earned through blood sweat and tears. But it feels like everything is trivialized and that I am made worthless when it comes to getting a relationship. It always feels like if a guy is interested he is bound to leap right off of being interested in search for "the next big thing" or "bigger and better". There seems to be a fascination with the pursuit of potentially getting someone better and this disdain with maintaining a connection with someone in hopes someone better comes along.

    I feel trapped, hopelessly trapped and I've cried nonstop for the past few days. Feeling trapped is probably the lightest way of putting it, my life feels devoid of love at this point. I feel like garbage better off dead. I wish that was an exaggeration too, I actually feel that it'd be better if I was hit by a semi right now... this is far too painful. So much fruitless effort....
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 04, 2015 4:00 PM GMT
    Sorry you're going through this. I know this feeling all too well. When I was your age I was absolutely desperate for a relationship. So desperate I ended up choosing guys who abused me or neglected me, just like you're doing now. Everyone told me the same thing......"you have to learn to love yourself before you find someone.....blah blah blah." I heard this so often I could predict when someone was about to say it. I felt like punching anyone who said this to me because it seemed like an impossible task at the time. So it's quite ironic that here I am giving that same tired advice to someone else. But it's true. If you truly loved yourself, this wouldn't be so important to you.

    You can follow in my path and go through endless unhealthy relationships, or you can do it the easy way (and yes it is the easy way), and go find yourself a good therapist. I would also recommend spending lots of time searching for self-help books that speak to you and your specific issues. Books on Relationship Addiction or Codependency might be a good place to start. There are CODA meetings in most larger cities that can be very helpful. One thing that also helped me tremendously was Mindfulness. It may seem unrelated but it's amazing how much it can help.

    If you insist on trying to find a relationship, you could always open your mind up to dating older men. (Sometimes) they are more relationship oriented that guys your age. But I would highly recommend avoiding relationships entirely until you center yourself.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 04, 2015 6:12 PM GMT
    what are the nice things in your life you can share with a prospective partner.

  • NeuralShock

    Posts: 411

    Jan 05, 2015 1:16 AM GMT
    Radd saidSorry you're going through this. I know this feeling all too well. When I was your age I was absolutely desperate for a relationship. So desperate I ended up choosing guys who abused me or neglected me, just like you're doing now. Everyone told me the same thing......"you have to learn to love yourself before you find someone.....blah blah blah." I heard this so often I could predict when someone was about to say it. I felt like punching anyone who said this to me because it seemed like an impossible task at the time. So it's quite ironic that here I am giving that same tired advice to someone else. But it's true. If you truly loved yourself, this wouldn't be so important to you.

    You can follow in my path and go through endless unhealthy relationships, or you can do it the easy way (and yes it is the easy way), and go find yourself a good therapist. I would also recommend spending lots of time searching for self-help books that speak to you and your specific issues. Books on Relationship Addiction or Codependency might be a good place to start. There are CODA meetings in most larger cities that can be very helpful. One thing that also helped me tremendously was Mindfulness. It may seem unrelated but it's amazing how much it can help.

    If you insist on trying to find a relationship, you could always open your mind up to dating older men. (Sometimes) they are more relationship oriented that guys your age. But I would highly recommend avoiding relationships entirely until you center yourself.


    I feel in the middle of outright loving myself and not. I can appreciate so many qualities of myself that I know I am a good person, I know I am decent looking, I know I am intelligent and funny.

    But it feels like a conflicting mess.

    Guys want to sleep with me, I've been raped by that one guy even. Like a 6'4 guy that literally crushed me down till he got off. To say I feel okay would be a hilarious notion- I don't. I feel right now at best like a piece of meat that no one wants to be in a relationship with.

    I think relationship dependency may be an issue, but honestly even with those words I still feel like something must be wrong with me for this to happen.

    Years without being dated? Am I just the most hideous ugly person on the planet?! I mean I don't think so but damn!? I don't get it to be honest, I see a lot of guys in amazing happy relationships and yet I am stuck here in the trash pile unwanted by anyone.

    I've honestly thought if opening myself up to older guys, but it seems like they aren't interested either.

    pellaz saidwhat are the nice things in your life you can share with a prospective partner.



    Well I am ambitious, and succeeding in these ambitions.

    I originally was going after medicine, got in, but left because I realized fast that it wasn't for me (depression, feeling inept and useless despite high grades and a bunch of other stuff). Now I am in school for software engineering and absolutely loving that aspect of my life so much. I am thrilled with the next semester that is starting tomorrow.

    Also I've began my own small business with a few friends and it is slowly starting to come to fruitation, which is exciting.

    I am also a loyal, dedicated, and genuinely interested person who cares about the other person's best interests and aspirations. I will help them succeed and support them and their goals!

    I have a wide variety of interests ranging from a horde of shows on TV to the gym to ashtanga yoga to gaming and a bunch of other things.

    Also while I may seem 'sciency' I certainly have a strong creativity and artistic side which allows me to be successful in these fields- it isn't just smashing a formula down mindlessly and takes a bit of art.

    Also great taste in music, food, etc... I pride myself on my high cultural capital.

    And well, I guess it sounds cliché but I also authentically care. Like to me that seems to be a rare thing these days in a society that seems to only have been growing more and more apathetic and more and more distant.


    ...So I guess the summary is I know I have a lot to offer, I know I have tons of great things about me.

    ...But why... why won't anyone take me? It's seriously been years of futile effort.

    Being absolutely honest after being raped I do feel like everything I am, all my good, means nothing when coupled with the fact no one will date me. I feel absolutely powerless now to change my fate, which is unfortunate....
  • whytehot

    Posts: 1166

    Jan 05, 2015 1:58 AM GMT
    Radd saidSorry you're going through this... you could always open your mind up to dating older men. (Sometimes) they are more relationship oriented that guys your age....


    Lol how typical
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    Jan 05, 2015 3:18 AM GMT
    whytehot said
    Radd saidSorry you're going through this... you could always open your mind up to dating older men. (Sometimes) they are more relationship oriented that guys your age....


    Lol how typical



    Not as typical as your response. I love how you say you're 33 but look 40, and yet you're still ageist as fuck. I guess it's true about that whole self loathing thing.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 05, 2015 3:32 AM GMT
    NeuralShock said
    Radd saidSorry you're going through this. I know this feeling all too well. When I was your age I was absolutely desperate for a relationship. So desperate I ended up choosing guys who abused me or neglected me, just like you're doing now. Everyone told me the same thing......"you have to learn to love yourself before you find someone.....blah blah blah." I heard this so often I could predict when someone was about to say it. I felt like punching anyone who said this to me because it seemed like an impossible task at the time. So it's quite ironic that here I am giving that same tired advice to someone else. But it's true. If you truly loved yourself, this wouldn't be so important to you.

    You can follow in my path and go through endless unhealthy relationships, or you can do it the easy way (and yes it is the easy way), and go find yourself a good therapist. I would also recommend spending lots of time searching for self-help books that speak to you and your specific issues. Books on Relationship Addiction or Codependency might be a good place to start. There are CODA meetings in most larger cities that can be very helpful. One thing that also helped me tremendously was Mindfulness. It may seem unrelated but it's amazing how much it can help.

    If you insist on trying to find a relationship, you could always open your mind up to dating older men. (Sometimes) they are more relationship oriented that guys your age. But I would highly recommend avoiding relationships entirely until you center yourself.


    I feel in the middle of outright loving myself and not. I can appreciate so many qualities of myself that I know I am a good person, I know I am decent looking, I know I am intelligent and funny.

    But it feels like a conflicting mess.

    Guys want to sleep with me, I've been raped by that one guy even. Like a 6'4 guy that literally crushed me down till he got off. To say I feel okay would be a hilarious notion- I don't. I feel right now at best like a piece of meat that no one wants to be in a relationship with.

    I think relationship dependency may be an issue, but honestly even with those words I still feel like something must be wrong with me for this to happen.

    Years without being dated? Am I just the most hideous ugly person on the planet?! I mean I don't think so but damn!? I don't get it to be honest, I see a lot of guys in amazing happy relationships and yet I am stuck here in the trash pile unwanted by anyone.




    Well, the fact that you can see your good qualities is huge. Many people with low self esteems are not able to see anything redeeming about themselves.

    And yes, there is something wrong with you.....there is something wrong with all of us, some people just hide it better. But regardless, you need to stop comparing yourself to others. There will always be people in life who are ahead of you and behind you. None of that really matters. But you need to stop referring to yourself as a piece of trash and other horrible names. Everything begins with a thought and each time you bash yourself, you're sending a very strong message to your subconscious mind. And we tend to manifest the thoughts and words we constantly hear.

    Also remember you're very young still. It may seem like you've been single a long time but in the grand scheme of things you weren't even legal just a few short years ago. So cut yourself some slack.

    Seriously.....make an appointment with a therapist and make sure you go every week. If nothing else you could use it to deal with the rape.
  • mybud

    Posts: 11836

    Jan 05, 2015 4:21 AM GMT
    You're looking for someone to complete you..Complete yourself first. Set a list of goals if accomplished, will improve yourself mentally as well as physically. A healthy relationship will never take place, if you can't love and embrace yourself totally. The good, the not so good, come to terms with yourself. Trust is a great attribute, but over trusting individuals you've know for hours,days, or even weeks, is stupidity. That's all I got.
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    Jan 05, 2015 7:15 AM GMT
    You have been through a traumatic experience. Its important that you receive the most qualified (professional) help that you can get because the psychological ramifications could be taking its toll on you. In my honest opinion, I would highly recommend that you seek counseling.

    Equally important though, I have to state that, you are not garbage. You are a living, feeling, "filled with a soul" (if you believe in that of course) human being. Pause and reflect on the positive aspects that you have described yourself as:

    -"I know who I am and I am a positive and caring and happy person with a sharp sense of humor who is successful financially and academics-wise. I like to think I am fairly cute". (there were other great identifiers in your other post as well)

    Don't give other people the power to remove positive traits from self

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 05, 2015 7:50 AM GMT
    I'm sorry to say it, but you're learning that it's kind of the nature of the beast, so to speak. Gay men are just lousy at dating and by and large prefer NSA sex. It's not a shortcoming on your part.
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    Jan 05, 2015 8:13 AM GMT
    I would clean yourself up a little bit, that facial hair isn't a good look for you and your hair looks greasy. Other then that you look pretty cute.

    BUT, you like software engineering which is a great field, it's something I'm pursuing myself, however, most people in the field have terrible diets and are overweight and some have bad skin.

    You look like you might be a tad overweight with bad skin.

    Change your diet, change your hair do, get on a good exercise plan.

    You'll learn to love yourself and your body more than you do now not to mention that guys our age are extremely superficial and horny, and most of them just want hookups with hot guys, except for the few amazing ones that exist out there that you just click with.

    Sorry if this comes across as harsh, and it only looks worse as I don't have a profile picture myself.

    I'm sorry that you got molested, that person needs to die.
  • HottJoe

    Posts: 21366

    Jan 05, 2015 1:47 PM GMT
    sf_swimmer saidI'm sorry to say it, but you're learning that it's kind of the nature of the beast, so to speak. Gay men are just lousy at dating and by and large prefer NSA sex. It's not a shortcoming on your part.

    Speak for yourself. A lot of gay men commit to relationships and marriage. You're always telling guys to stay in the closet, which is the worst advice. Of course people have NSA sex when they're too ashamed to be out.
  • HottJoe

    Posts: 21366

    Jan 05, 2015 1:56 PM GMT
    whytehot said
    Radd saidSorry you're going through this... you could always open your mind up to dating older men. (Sometimes) they are more relationship oriented that guys your age....


    Lol how typical

    Considering the OP sounds like he wants to jump off a bridge, maybe he'd be better off following Scruffy's advice. It might not be your ideal, but the OP can do what he wants, and lord knows there are probably gobs of gay men over 40 who will vie for his attention.

    That said, the OP should be warned that if he dates an older guy, he's probably going to get what he wants for a few years but then eventually he'll most likely outgrow him. Youth fades, and 99 times out of a hundred guys fixated on youth stay fixated on youth and will trade an older model in for a newer one with no apologies.
  • HottJoe

    Posts: 21366

    Jan 05, 2015 2:02 PM GMT
    themightyyule saidI would clean yourself up a little bit, that facial hair isn't a good look for you and your hair looks greasy. Other then that you look pretty cute.

    BUT, you like software engineering which is a great field, it's something I'm pursuing myself, however, most people in the field have terrible diets and are overweight and some have bad skin.

    You look like you might be a tad overweight with bad skin.

    Change your diet, change your hair do, get on a good exercise plan.

    You'll learn to love yourself and your body more than you do now not to mention that guys our age are extremely superficial and horny, and most of them just want hookups with hot guys, except for the few amazing ones that exist out there that you just click with.


    Sorry if this comes across as harsh, and it only looks worse as I don't have a profile picture myself.

    I'm sorry that you got molested, that person needs to die.

    This is very true. Usually when guys are too evasive to tell you why they're not feeling the chemistry it's because gay men expect the ass of a porn star, which is something that most people have to work for. Chances are they won't tell you to your face if you don't measure up.... Getting in shape is a relatively easy fix though. It just takes dedication and motivation and time.... Less time than it takes to get a degree though.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 05, 2015 3:49 PM GMT
    What you are going through can be summed up as growing pains. I don't want what I have to say as sounding condescending as I truly hope my advice will help you. But this advice will require work on your part.

    Keep in mind that you were a teenager only a few years ago. You were probably living with and still dependent on your parents when Obama was first elected. To the older folks here that seems like yesterday. To you it was a quarter of your life. Consequently you are transitioning between being an adolescent to a full fledged adult.

    What does being full fledge adult mean? It means that you have to be your own parent. You can't run to others for support, you have to nurture it yourself. This is done through the right conversations in the head and creating a sense of self-awareness. It means not being a victim anymore but becoming self-empowered.

    I'm sorry to hear about your date rape but only you can decide if it is going to traumatize you forever or not. One way to understand what happened to you is to understand that for someone in a passive position there is a fine line between bad sex and what can feel like rape. For this reason date rape is a controversial topic in the straight world. The guy who did this to you would probably claim it was consensual. Chances are he doesn't think of himself as a rapist. I write this not to dimension how traumatic it was for you but for you to understand how your perception as the victim is probably very different from that of your accuser. And that is the painful lesson that we all have to learn whether it is about sex or being assaulted in other ways be it physically or mentally.

    What you need to do most is change your thought patterns. The title to this topic alone is the wrong thought. You are making conclusions about yourself from the limited experience you have had. You are looking for feedback from the wrong people (all us complete strangers). Surround yourself with people who appreciate and love you for who you are. That doesn't mean they stroke your ego. Only you can nurture a strong healthy ego. That means they treat you with the respect you know you deserve. Example: the guy who approaches you and tells you you are cute is stroking your ego but you don't know if he will be a reliable friend yet. The friend who takes your call and finds time to make plans with you on a regular basis over an extended period of time is worth far more to help you nurture your ego than the hot stranger willing to sleep with you. The better you get at treating others as you wish to be treated, the sooner you will be able to separate the reliable from the flakey. Be consistent with how you treat people so you can be consistent with what you ask for. Pat yourself on the back for doing the right thing. Be honest with yourself when you do the wrong thing because that is the only way you can take responsibility for your own actions.

    Going to the gym is a good way to feel self-empowered, BUT, it should be done for the benefits of health and well being and NOT just for vanity. You can pump up your body and get lots of admirers but they will only pump up your ego not teach you how to be your own parent.

    When you become your own parent think more about being a cheerleader rather than providing sympathy that would reinforce self-pity. This way of thinking will keep you from becoming the bitter person you fear. I'm not saying that changing your thought patterns is easy and you will be continually challenged but your thought patterns have a profound effect on your body chemistry and the sooner you learn this trait the healthier you will be.

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    Jan 05, 2015 8:28 PM GMT
    I heard something like this from a guy this weekend when I
    felt optimist and happy about everything. It was shocking. As I talked to the guy I realized his values were a mash up of TV sitcoms ,movies and pop culture. No wonder why his life was a drama. It's like living on coke and junk food and wondering why you feel bad.

    Go on a spiritual retreat and find some authenticity in your life . Then you will
    be able to identify genuine nice guys.
  • Destinharbor

    Posts: 4433

    Jan 05, 2015 8:40 PM GMT
    Ya, just stop worrying about guys for a while and go on a health kick. Work on your appearance (ya, lose the facial hair and work out) and stay with your promising career. You sound like you've got it together. Don't let morons knock you off balance.
  • Kinneticbrian

    Posts: 230

    Jan 05, 2015 8:54 PM GMT
    It's utterly dreadful that anyone would be made to feel as you have. There are many of us on here, who, if we're being honest, have felt similar feelings as you're experiencing right now. Never think you're alone.

    There are a number of us who long for a relationship, and, for whatever reason, are eluded by it. I recently told a friend of mine that loneliness is cancer of the soul. It's painful and toxic.

    I'll share my own "journey out of the cave" so to speak. Maybe something will help you. This happened after my last relationship fell apart at the hands of an alcoholic, cheating, lying partner. I realized he'd not only done the aforementioned things, but had also mentally abused me for most of our relationship.

    You come to a point where you're left with just yourself, and a choice. I felt like I had just emerged from a storm shelter after an F-5 tornado, and that everywhere I looked in my life was nothing but devastation. The choice was just this...do I rebuild or do I choose to become a victim? I decided that I would rebuild my life from the ground-up and build the guy that I want to be, nothing less.

    Think about this. Clearly you're a quality guy because you value respect and others feelings. You have a heart with a lot of good in it. Take a pad and pen and write out the good things you know you have and start there. The truth I realized is that nobody can "make me feel" anything or any way. I have to permit it. So do you. Just from your post I can tell you're romantic, kind and sensitive. Those are some pretty good things if you ask me.

    With regard to the rape, I would honestly talk to a counselor. Mine was instrumental in helping me get past the pain of the infidelity and the mental abuse. There is no shame in talking to someone.

    The truth is, you are a person of inestimable worth. You are worthy of being loved, but have to become someone you love and want to be with. The truth be told; we are in the longest term relationship we'll ever have with ourselves.

    Believe me when I tell you, rebuilding yourself is work, and it never really stops, but it's also therapeutic. Take stock of who you want to be and then be excited and build away. As you do, you'll find yourself naturally encouraging others which is awesome.

    Something else I did was deleted all of the online dating stuff and got rid of the apps too. I read an article recently that online dating actually is damaging a lot of people's self esteem. I ought to know - I was one of them. Worse yet are the smart phone apps. I got rid of all of it and have never felt better. I keep RJ because this is one awesome community of many great people. It's easy to reject a "profile" but when you have a real human in front of you, it's entirely different.

    I know things seem bleak now, and you've been hurt. Take time for you, let yourself heal, and then know that things getting better are just ahead.You are a kind, handsome, sensitive, romantic person. In all of eternity there has never been, there is not and never will be another you. You're a Masterpiece. Be the one YOU want and above all be encouraged!
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    Jan 06, 2015 12:43 AM GMT
    HottJoe said
    sf_swimmer saidI'm sorry to say it, but you're learning that it's kind of the nature of the beast, so to speak. Gay men are just lousy at dating and by and large prefer NSA sex. It's not a shortcoming on your part.

    Speak for yourself. A lot of gay men commit to relationships and marriage. You're always telling guys to stay in the closet, which is the worst advice. Of course people have NSA sex when they're too ashamed to be out.


    I haven't told anyone to stay in the closet to the best of my memory. Rather I comment that things are often more complicated and nuanced than is popularly recognized. I agree with you that not all gay men are bad at dating, but it does seem to be a frequent complaint in the "community."
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    Jan 06, 2015 1:08 AM GMT
    Radd said
    whytehot said
    Radd saidSorry you're going through this... you could always open your mind up to dating older men. (Sometimes) they are more relationship oriented that guys your age....


    Lol how typical



    Not as typical as your response. I love how you say you're 33 but look 40, and yet you're still ageist as fuck. I guess it's true about that whole self loathing thing.


    They may very well be but some can also be a douchie as younger guys.

    To the OP: It takes a tough hide to be a gay man. Do not take the rejection personally. Also, in general, if you want to know if a guy is truly interested in you, see how long you can keep the relationship out of the bedroom. Develop a friendship. Insist you actually do things (movies, gallery openings, museums, bowling, the zoo, bike riding, etc) other than going to bars or meeting at each other's homes. If you are interested in a relationship, develop one! As I'm sure you have already found out, most gay men are only out for the conquest. If you make them wait for physical intimacy you will quickly weed out the ones who are only looking for an orgasm. Also, be up front with them on the first date. Make it clear that you are looking for a relationship and that the date WILL NOT end in sex and that there is no guarantee the second, third, fourth or fifth will either. The ones only looking for a conquest will rapidly bring the date to a close. Don't take it personally. Sooner or later you will find a guy of like mind; however, stick to your guns and make them wait until you feel a solid relationship has developed. It's the only way to be certain they aren't telling you what they think you want to hear.

    Old fashioned? Yes, but your only alternative is to take a devil may care attitude and enjoy NSA sex until "Mr. Right" comes along.
  • Eli_jah

    Posts: 1391

    Jan 06, 2015 1:29 AM GMT
    You tell us that you've just been raped. I think you need to see a psychiatrist as soon as possible. You are likely experience things that only a professional can deal with right now.
  • whytehot

    Posts: 1166

    Jan 08, 2015 1:50 AM GMT
    Radd said
    whytehot said
    Radd saidSorry you're going through this... you could always open your mind up to dating older men. (Sometimes) they are more relationship oriented that guys your age....


    Lol how typical



    Not as typical as your response. I love how you say you're 33 but look 40, and yet you're still ageist as fuck. I guess it's true about that whole self loathing thing.


    Nah.. your post was more typical really. And you look 60, pretty good for a 99 y/o. rolleyes.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 08, 2015 3:35 AM GMT
    sometimes before u can love someone else u need time for urself.. you've been through a lot and i feel ur emotionally drained. P.S i hope that u reported u were raped.

    my advice to u is to cutoff all dating sites and apps n mayb just take it easy alright? take some time for urself away from the non-genuine guys and be happy being alone.. i took a breather from any dating and if i did meet someone it was only as friends (never slept with them)..
  • NeuralShock

    Posts: 411

    Jan 11, 2015 12:59 AM GMT
    Thank you all for the replies, I read them all! Thank you all, seriously. Every reply I read a bunch of times!

    Unfortunately I still feel the same way as I did when I posted this, if not somehow even worse. I'm managing to hold on pretty amazingly well just throwing myself into my work and I've become crazy productive.

    To some things, I have worked out for about 2.5 years... and I go 6x a week and eat as much as I can. I do have a bit of a gut from bulking, eep. And yeah my skin has a little bit of acne and some scarring on it, which is something I resent and am working on removing completely. Most people never notice though unless I point it out. I'd remove what is left of the scars but right now I can't afford that. (Greasy hair is because of the hair gel used, not the best hair gel that is for sure....)

    In terms of not online dating... it feels like there is no where else to go to find someone. I have many friends, true, but on the other hand finding a gay guy that way seems next to impossible. So if I take myself off those websites then yes, I have noticed I feel better... but on the other hand I am not getting any closer to a relationship.

    I agree 100% with not sleeping with someone, and I have held that standard strongly. The rape was rape and clearly rape because I made paramountly clear I would not have sex with him until I said so.


    I have considered talking to a professional but honestly me speaking about the rape makes me feel helpless and powerless and everything that I don't want to feel. I would literally explode into a crazy depression if I thought about it too long. I don't want to report it, I don't want to think about it and I want to forget everything about it... it is painful to a degree I never wanted to experience.

    Like it is one thing to not have a relationship, it is another thing to be raped and then left to the side like a can of used garbage. If I spoke more on this I don't think I'd recover from the depression.
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    Jan 11, 2015 2:07 AM GMT
    NeuralShock saidThank you all for the replies, I read them all! Thank you all, seriously. Every reply I read a bunch of times!

    Unfortunately I still feel the same way as I did when I posted this, if not somehow even worse. I'm managing to hold on pretty amazingly well just throwing myself into my work and I've become crazy productive.

    To some things, I have worked out for about 2.5 years... and I go 6x a week and eat as much as I can. I do have a bit of a gut from bulking, eep. And yeah my skin has a little bit of acne and some scarring on it, which is something I resent and am working on removing completely. Most people never notice though unless I point it out. I'd remove what is left of the scars but right now I can't afford that. (Greasy hair is because of the hair gel used, not the best hair gel that is for sure....)

    In terms of not online dating... it feels like there is no where else to go to find someone. I have many friends, true, but on the other hand finding a gay guy that way seems next to impossible. So if I take myself off those websites then yes, I have noticed I feel better... but on the other hand I am not getting any closer to a relationship.

    I agree 100% with not sleeping with someone, and I have held that standard strongly. The rape was rape and clearly rape because I made paramountly clear I would not have sex with him until I said so.


    I have considered talking to a professional but honestly me speaking about the rape makes me feel helpless and powerless and everything that I don't want to feel. I would literally explode into a crazy depression if I thought about it too long. I don't want to report it, I don't want to think about it and I want to forget everything about it... it is painful to a degree I never wanted to experience.

    Like it is one thing to not have a relationship, it is another thing to be raped and then left to the side like a can of used garbage. If I spoke more on this I don't think I'd recover from the depression.


    First of all, I disagree about the makeover tips. Your looks are not your problem. But do whatever physical changes you feel will make you feel better.

    Please understand something about therapy.....first of all it's not a quick fix, but it is the best way I know of to recover from something like this. Secondly, yes you might feel a bit worse at first when you begin talking about the rape but that's normal. Intense feelings like this can be scary but there are no feelings you can't handle, especially with the support of a qualified therapist. After a short while you will begin to feel better and empowered. But before you get to that point you may very well feel anger, resentment and a host of other not so pleasant emotions. But that's okay.....you get better by moving through the pain....not avoiding it. Please make an appointment today.