My 2015 Goal: Coming Out To a Straight Friend I've Flirted With

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    Jan 04, 2015 8:26 PM GMT
    I've posted about this situation before, but for those of you who don't know the story I'll sum it up again. My point of this particular thread is for coming out advice in this situation. Anyway...

    My goal for 2015 is to come out to one of my closes friends, who also happens to be my boss (it's a small business, I'm only one of three employees that he has).

    I've known him for 4 years. We started working together in a retail pharmacy and then 2 years after I started, he took over the business that I now work for and hired me (he was working there at the same time as the pharmacy job).

    We've become really close and I've also become good friends with his girlfriend. I've posted about him here before, but basically I have a huge crush on him and I think I'm in love with him. However, I know nothing will really come of it so I'm willing to just accept the fact that we will only ever be friends, despite what fantasies I have in my mind. I do love him as a friend and don't want to lose him. He's told me several times how much I mean to him, that I'm a better friend to him than any of his friends he's had all his life. Over the summer, we went out and we drunkenly expressed our love for each other and he started to cry (he still mentions this).

    Anyway, we sometimes flirt with each other. We will grab/rub each other's nipples/chest area, but sometimes I take it a step further and I'll smack or grab his butt as I walk by. He's smacked me on the butt before too, but usually with an object at work (like a ruler), but not his hand. We're always making gay "jokes" with each other about sucking each others dicks, fucking, etc.

    He really hasn't started doing this with anyone aside from me until recently, but I'm definitely the one he does this the most with.

    However, now that I'm trying to face reality, I've decided that it's best not to joke around with him like this because I'm afraid that he might freak out once I decide to come out to him. I don't plan on telling him about my true feelings for him, but I would like for him to at least know that I am interested in other dudes.

    He has a gay younger brother who he seems to love and fully accept, and his girlfriend also has a gay brother who he seems to have no problem with.

    Do you think he will freak out if I decide to come out to him? I want to wait a while until this flirty stuff blows over so that he hopefully forgets about it, but I'm just really praying that he won't disown me as a friend.
  • Trevor_B

    Posts: 35

    Jan 05, 2015 1:17 AM GMT
    Don't know the guy, but it sounds like he's pretty chill. It's always hard when you're the one risking your current status for something unknown. But with the information you've provided I really don't see it making a significant difference in your relationship. I guess I wouldn't make a big deal of it necessarily, maybe find a way to tell him casually or let it slip out?

    Not sure if that's helpful, just my read on what I understand the situation to be. Good luck! :-)

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    Jan 05, 2015 1:33 AM GMT
    Trevor_B saidDon't know the guy, but it sounds like he's pretty chill. It's always hard when you're the one risking your current status for something unknown. But with the information you've provided I really don't see it making a significant difference in your relationship. I guess I wouldn't make a big deal of it necessarily, maybe find a way to tell him casually or let it slip out?

    Not sure if that's helpful, just my read on what I understand the situation to be. Good luck! :-)



    Thanks for the response and advice. icon_smile.gif He's definitely a chill guy, and if I was anyone else, I don't think he would care at all. It's just that we've known each other for 4 years and the whole flirty thing I've done with him that makes me have second thoughts on how he'd react.

    I guess I just don't know the best way to tell him, but I think not making a big deal about it is probably the best way to go.
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    Jan 06, 2015 1:10 AM GMT
    I see what you mean. It's always a risk when you come out to straight guys that they may interpret/analyze things you did. In my experience, the more secure the guy, the less an issue it is even if you do have a crush. BUT, if this is your biggest concern, maybe you wait until you're dating a guy and come out by telling him that you're dating this guy that you really, really like. That way he knows that your lust is pointed in a different direction.

    The issue of you having feelings for him is really only an issue if you can't handle just being friends with him. That would be a different post that I could write about from experience too. icon_smile.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 06, 2015 2:12 AM GMT
    It's hard to say not knowing your friend, but all I can say is I have NEVER had a negative reaction when coming out to a straight friend. And keep in mind all of my close friends are heterosexual males. If you treat the subject in a matter-o-fact kind of way, he will most likely respond in a like manner.
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    Jan 06, 2015 2:44 AM GMT
    I agree with what others have said and would like to add:
    I wouldn't tell him that you're gay, because that expects a reaction from him but put it in front of him in an obvious manner. Like after having a hot customer say something about this guy's hotness to your boss, or complain that the guy is probably straight, or something like that. Sends the message, without requiring an immediate reaction, so you're boss can think things through, ...
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    before ravishing you on his desk or whatever.
  • FRE0

    Posts: 4865

    Jan 06, 2015 2:53 AM GMT
    Find a way to bring up the fact that you are gay so that he will not feel pressured to respond. It should not be treated as an issue. It should come up naturally in conversation and appear to be as mundane as possible, as if you were discussing you favorite music composer.

    Generally people who are really your friends will not reject you upon learning that you are gay. However, it would be a good idea to minimize the flirting.
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    Jan 06, 2015 5:48 AM GMT
    From what I'm sensing out of your post you're not only expressing to him that you're gay... but you are letting him knows that you have a crush on him as well. Am I correct? If not, what is your motivation/reasons for telling him? At the end of the day if he is really your real friend than your sexual orientation shouldn't matter. Most "straight" get who are confidence in their sexuality doesn't let gay stuffs get to them. So I'm pretty sure he's just friendly.
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    Jan 06, 2015 6:02 AM GMT
    Hard to get the full picture from this. But if you come out AND come on to YOUR SUPERVISOR, you are throwing him into a shitstorm of no-win legal and ethical trouble.

    Been there, had that done to me. As far as I can see, his only option is to try to get you transferred to an equivalent position far far away and never speak to you again. Unless of course that one in a million chance comes through that he will throw away the rest of his life and run off with you.

    Hopefully I am misreading your intentions. Just don't do that.
  • MikemikeMike

    Posts: 6932

    Jan 06, 2015 6:08 AM GMT
    I think by him mocking gay people with you about grab ass, be prepared if you lose him as a friend and your job in the processicon_idea.gif

    Sounds like a strong possibility.
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    Jan 06, 2015 6:03 PM GMT
    Three scenarios:


    1. He's gay himself and his girlfriend is a beard. He's so closeted. Can't accept his homosexuality. He will freak out if you tell him you are gay.

    2. He's straight as an arrow and by some twist of logic he has no problem grabbing his friend. Honestly I hadn't witnessed that sort of behavior since middle and high school. I suspect there are cases of arrested development in college fraternities where that sort of behavior occurs. Either way he will freak out if you tell him you are gay.

    3. He's bi and you and he will carry on a full blown sexual affair behind his girlfriend's back. At best she's into watching man on man sex and may even want to participate.

    Is the risk of losing your friend and job worth any of those?
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    Jan 06, 2015 6:16 PM GMT
    ant811 said
    ...We've become really close and I've also become good friends with his girlfriend. I've posted about him here before, but basically I have a huge crush on him and I think I'm in love with him.. We're always making gay "jokes" with each other about sucking each others dicks, fucking, etc....




    This will not end well.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 06, 2015 6:39 PM GMT
    wait till the girl friend is gone, one less to worry about.

    at that time:
    have a sit down with him, acknowledge no more ass grabbing or whatever it takes to remain employed. That being said, if there is love it will find a way like auto magic. I bet he already has a good idea your gay.

    right now today:
    you must try for a proper boy friend with no complications. One that knows exactly what to do with your ass. It feels real good.

  • HottJoe

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    Jan 06, 2015 8:16 PM GMT
    I'd wait until after you mess around. You wouldn't want to ruin it, or anything.
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    Jan 08, 2015 12:21 AM GMT
    Thanks for the responses everyone.

    I've already toned down the "gay play" (lol) with him this week at work, pretty much entirely. I've decided my best approach at keeping him as a friend would be to stop the ass smacking/grabbing, etc completely and wait until I'm in a relationship or at least seeing another dude, before I decide to disclose anything to him. That way, he won't think I'm "after him" or anything and will probably figure that I'm in love or have feelings for someone else. I'm also hoping that time will "heal" all the stuff that's been said and done in a sense, and perhaps he'll just forget about the touchy-feely stuff or blow it off as something that we "used" to do with each other before I came out.

    I can't see him firing me from my job, or anything like that. I basically help him run his business, and he's told me several times that he wouldn't be able to do it without me. He's a very laid-back, open-minded guy and our work environment is completely care-free and not very professional at all lol. It's a small business/shop with 4 guys working in it, we basically have fun at work and joke around all day.
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    Jan 08, 2015 1:33 AM GMT
    brand06 saidFrom what I'm sensing out of your post you're not only expressing to him that you're gay... but you are letting him knows that you have a crush on him as well. Am I correct? If not, what is your motivation/reasons for telling him? At the end of the day if he is really your real friend than your sexual orientation shouldn't matter. Most "straight" get who are confidence in their sexuality doesn't let gay stuffs get to them. So I'm pretty sure he's just friendly.


    No, I don't intend on telling him about my crush on him if I do decide to come out to him.
  • Nhlakz

    Posts: 149

    Jan 08, 2015 6:51 AM GMT
    Good luck on coming out to him...and one thing i can tell u is that he wont freakout he'll accept u just as u r...i've been in ur shoes and it ended well...and i even told my friend that i acctually like him...and he just brushed it off easily and we great friends to these day since 2007...
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    Jan 08, 2015 6:43 PM GMT
    Nhlakz saidGood luck on coming out to him...and one thing i can tell u is that he wont freakout he'll accept u just as u r...i've been in ur shoes and it ended well...and i even told my friend that i acctually like him...and he just brushed it off easily and we great friends to these day since 2007...


    Thanks. icon_smile.gif I'm hoping the same happens with me.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 08, 2015 7:12 PM GMT
    One question: why?


    What do you hope to (honestly!!) get out of this revelation?

    Answer that truthfully and you'll know what to do.
  • buddycat

    Posts: 1874

    Jan 08, 2015 8:26 PM GMT
    Why do you keep pursuing this if he is straight? Same post, same story except it is worse since he may not even know your gay lusting after him. He has a girlfriend and not even available. Why don't you find someone gay even if they aren't as good looking? Maybe you just need to come out to him, come on to him, and lose the friend and maybe lose your job since he is your boss. I am not going to feed into this anymore.
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    Jan 08, 2015 11:08 PM GMT
    StudlyScrewRite said One question: why?


    What do you hope to (honestly!!) get out of this revelation?

    Answer that truthfully and you'll know what to do.


    Um, the same thing anyone else who comes out of the closet hopes to get? A chance to live an open life and not having to hide who you are or feeling like there's a weight on your shoulders?

    buddycat saidWhy do you keep pursuing this if he is straight? Same post, same story except it is worse since he may not even know your gay lusting after him. He has a girlfriend and not even available. Why don't you find someone gay even if they aren't as good looking? Maybe you just need to come out to him, come on to him, and lose the friend and maybe lose your job since he is your boss. I am not going to feed into this anymore.


    There's nothing that I'm trying to get you to "feed into". If you don't like my posts or don't want to contribute by "feeding into me", then stay out of my threads. No one is forcing you to comment.
  • FRE0

    Posts: 4865

    Jan 09, 2015 8:28 AM GMT
    ant811 said
    StudlyScrewRite said One question: why?


    What do you hope to (honestly!!) get out of this revelation?

    Answer that truthfully and you'll know what to do.


    Um, the same thing anyone else who comes out of the closet hopes to get? A chance to live an open life and not having to hide who you are or feeling like there's a weight on your shoulders?

    buddycat saidWhy do you keep pursuing this if he is straight? Same post, same story except it is worse since he may not even know your gay lusting after him. He has a girlfriend and not even available. Why don't you find someone gay even if they aren't as good looking? Maybe you just need to come out to him, come on to him, and lose the friend and maybe lose your job since he is your boss. I am not going to feed into this anymore.


    There's nothing that I'm trying to get you to "feed into". If you don't like my posts or don't want to contribute by "feeding into me", then stay out of my threads. No one is forcing you to comment.


    Not everyone understands that.
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    Nov 22, 2015 1:22 AM GMT
    Well, I thought I'd give an update. My goal has been reached! I'm out to this friend and his girlfriend, and also came out to a few female cousins this year.

    They all love me just the same. icon_smile.gif The flirty stuff with my straight friend is still going on though. :-X
  • mybud

    Posts: 11837

    Nov 22, 2015 1:38 AM GMT
    Is this the same guy that you smelled his shoes and got all hot and bothered?
  • mystery905

    Posts: 745

    Nov 22, 2015 1:43 AM GMT
    ant811 saidWell, I thought I'd give an update. My goal has been reached! I'm out to this friend and his girlfriend, and also came out to a few female cousins this year.

    They all love me just the same. icon_smile.gif The flirty stuff with my straight friend is still going on though. :-X


    Next time he grabs your ass, tell him to only do it if he means it and will follow through!

    Otherwise he is a big cock tease!