Perfect romance and got dropped for his ex

  • Kzo2013

    Posts: 4

    Jan 06, 2015 8:18 PM GMT
    I spent 3 months chatting to this guy and he said he was single and hadn't been in a relationship in a few months, that he broke up with his "bf" of 1.5 years since he didn't really consider him a bf and was more of a good friend for sex. We were both looking for the same, a monogamous relationship.

    He is good-hearted and VERY handsome, and he made me feel like I was the most special person in the entire world. He was very interested in me and got me so riled up that I flew across the country to meet him.

    The 3 weeks we spent were nothing short of magical. We clicked on every level, the best sex in our lives (we both agreed on that), his friends loved me, we lived these 3 weeks like a couple, having sex twice a day, cooking together, dining out, doing fun stuff... it was perfect. I can't point a flaw. Except the one I'm about to mention.

    One day we went to a party and his ex (who was still in love with him) was there, and told him he wanted no contact until I'd be gone. This somehow affected the guy I was seeing, as he started questioning himself if he wanted to go back to his ex, although he liked me very, very much (we never used the word love but it's what I certainly felt).

    My vacation was over and he was honest about it, that those were 3 amazing weeks, but once I'd be gone he was going to start dating his ex and that I was still very special to him. Hours after I departed, they started dating.

    The thing is that I'm now moving to his city, he is very much committed to his bf, even went public with it and everything. All my attempts at flirting online have been put down immediately, he is dedicated to his relationship and I admire that, although I still want him very much.

    He says I'm a wonderful guy, PERFECT, and that I'm very special to him, and he wants us to be friends, "for now". He says this all the time, including "I want you but I can't be with you, not right now, and I don't know when and you shouldn't ask yourself when". I even asked "Would you be OK if I'd start making myself available and date people?" he just said "I don't know". Again, he won't tell me yes or no... obviously, I don't know if I should wait or let it go entirely, I really feel this amazing connection with him and I'd be willing to wait...

    I don't want to be just a friend, I can't even bare the thought of seeing him with someone else. At the same time, if I cut him off entirely, I might lose the chance of ever being with him. Things never failed, I was never his boyfriend, it was a romance of 3 weeks, no way I could compete with someone he has known for 1.5 years.

    Sometimes I think "Just let it go, focus on someone else who wants you just as much". Sometimes I sob until there are no tears left. I am truly heartbroken.

    SHORT VERSION:
    a) Should I wait for his relationship to be over (as it didn't work for 1.5 years, I don't think it will work this time) ?
    b) Is it wise to be friends with someone you're in love with?
    c) If I stay around him and his friends (we now have friends in common), won't I just be some plan B and never have a proper shot?

  • Destinharbor

    Posts: 4433

    Jan 06, 2015 8:32 PM GMT
    First of all, stop "sobbing (sic) until there are no tears left." That's what little girls do (and certain other RJers). Start acting like a guy. If you want him, tell him. But just once. I wouldn't stalk him but it sounds like you've entered the circle of friends he introduced you to and you will run across him and his old bf with regularity. Act friendly to him and cordial to his bf. Be interesting and not a wimp. Wink at him occasionally and smile but not wistfully, with some testosterone. Be the guy he wants to be with and give it some time. Often old romances rekindle just to burn out when the original reason for the breakup rises again. Give it, say, 4-6 months and tell him you were hoping he'd come back but now you have to move on. Remember, NO BOO HOO. Then start dating others and for God's sake, give the new guys a chance. They will be in the same shoes you are wearing now and don't deserve to be toyed with.
  • Apparition

    Posts: 3516

    Jan 07, 2015 3:21 AM GMT
    unless you are a masochist, never, ever, FLY anywhere to meet anyone. There are a million literally million, guys to try that live within an hour's drive of your current home. Try all of them if need be.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 07, 2015 4:02 AM GMT
    First let me just say that your story is quite heartbreaking.
    From what I read, what you had with him was "3 weeks of amazing romance". It wasn't relationship. And you are obviously so into this guy. Unfortunately for you, he wants to be with his ex. That is a relationship. He may say, you're wonderful, you're perfect, but that's just words, action speaks louder, if he's with him, that means it's because he wants to be with him more than he wants to be with you. Sorry it that was harsh.

    It's also interesting that now you live in the same city with this guy. Why? Just to be near him. If that was the case, then.... *sigh*

    I have experiences with people who keeps saying "I don't know", and I'm not just talking about romance. Most of the time, it's just because they don't want it and just don't want to say it because they're afraid to hurt the feelings of others. But that's me. Maybe it's different for you.


    Kzo2013a) Should I wait for his relationship to be over (as it didn't work for 1.5 years, I don't think it will work this time) ?
    b) Is it wise to be friends with someone you're in love with?
    c) If I stay around him and his friends (we now have friends in common), won't I just be some plan B and never have a proper shot?

    a) It seems to me that he doesn't want to be with you as much as you want to be with him. How do you feel about that? Are you okay with that? Are you willing to wait for a guy like that?

    b)How good friends are you? Talk every day? Does being friends with him make you sad? Does it make you not wanting to find another guy? Does that make you obsess with him? If the answers are yes, then it would be wiser to limit your communication with him.

    c)That's the way it looks to me. Plan B. But then again, are you okay with that? Because in the end, you're the one who should make the decision and take the risk, whether wait for him or forget him.

    Good luck.

  • Kzo2013

    Posts: 4

    Jan 07, 2015 9:11 AM GMT
    Ronar2 said
    a) It seems to me that he doesn't want to be with you as much as you want to be with him. How do you feel about that? Are you okay with that? Are you willing to wait for a guy like that?

    b)How good friends are you? Talk every day? Does being friends with him make you sad? Does it make you not wanting to find another guy? Does that make you obsess with him? If the answers are yes, then it would be wiser to limit your communication with him.


    a) He says that it was very hard to choose between two wonderful guys, but since he knew his ex for much longer, that he thinks it was the best option (and I wasn't living in his city). He said he is able to love more than 1 person at a time and wants to mature into trust and commitment. Am I willing to wait for him? I think so, he really is quite something and won me over, very few manage that, I won't say he is perfect, but he is pretty close to it and we had amazing chemistry.

    b) We started decreasing contact and affection from the moment he started dating his ex. No more kissing smileys or anything of that kind, we exchange a couple messages daily and for the past month we no longer talk on the phone or Skype, just exchanging SMS. I'm not happy with the idea of being just friends, I don't think I can stand the thought of seeing him with his bf, it hurts just thinking about it. And yes, I do obsess about him, it was such a great experience and he says so himself. It doesn't make me NOT want to find someone else, but I don't want to regret quitting on someone so great.

    Ronar2 said
    It's also interesting that now you live in the same city with this guy. Why? Just to be near him. If that was the case, then.... *sigh*


    I won't deny it, he played a major role in my decision to move to his city. I'm not doing it for him or for us, it's something I always wanted to do, but the potential of being with him one day did help make the decision. Everyday I try to think about having no expectations whatsoever about us being together, but it's hard. I fell really hard for this guy.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 07, 2015 2:42 PM GMT
    you have to accept that dating is sometimes cruel.
    stay away from this man and his friends
  • Tig3r

    Posts: 139

    Jan 07, 2015 4:54 PM GMT
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    It's time to let him go, if he cannot decide then you make the choice for him and walk away. It sounds like you're a good guy, you'll find someone who wants to be with you.
  • IAmTheOneWhoK...

    Posts: 154

    Jan 08, 2015 3:20 AM GMT
    Oh, honey...Here goes.

    The odds that you just happened to end up living in the city this man of your dreams lives in, since you didn't deny it, I'll assume is because you moved there mainly to be near him. Despite the fact that he chose his ex.

    You had 3 magical weeks with him. What time of your life did these 3 weeks occur? During vacation, right. So you had nothing but unlimited free time with no stresses or real world problems to distract you or cloud your thought process when you had your overly-fantasized dream-life with this dude. Didn't have to stress about work, or paying the rent, the interests of being in an entirely new city for 3 weeks while having the undivided attention I'm sure, of your very handsome guy who I'm sure made it his goal to ensure your 3 weeks were absolute heaven. Why he did this, I cannot imagine, as that would obviously only hurt everyone in the long run.

    You say with your own words that the dude literally crawled back to his boyfriend hours after you left town. Does that not insult you? Is that not extremely telling of the kind of guy he really is? He wants to be with his ex, as the ex usually wins, but bro. You moved all the way to the same city with him just to...what? What do you imagine will happen? He and his lover will break up and then...he comes crawling to you next? Is that really you want? To be his second choice, just in case the first one doesn't work out? You've already gone way too far by moving across the country for someone who gets back with exs who he has a history of describing as "not really a boyfriend, just a good friend for sex", yet he gets back with him within hours. Don't pin all your hopes on this one guy, because believe me, you are way over-romanticizing how amazing he is.

  • Kzo2013

    Posts: 4

    Jan 08, 2015 8:18 AM GMT
    IAmTheOneWhoKnocks saidThe odds that you just happened to end up living in the city this man of your dreams lives in, since you didn't deny it, I'll assume is because you moved there mainly to be near him. Despite the fact that he chose his ex.


    Like I said, I made my move based on the fact I've always wanted to live in that city, and partially because I'd like to be closer to him, I won't deny that. And I know it's insane to even consider making such a move based on this, that's why I'm trying to convince myself that the real reason I'm doing it is because I want to change my life and not because of him.

    IAmTheOneWhoKnocks said
    You had 3 magical weeks with him. What time of your life did these 3 weeks occur? During vacation, right. So you had nothing but unlimited free time with no stresses or real world problems to distract you or cloud your thought process when you had your overly-fantasized dream-life with this dude.


    Correct, we agreed to live together for those 3 weeks, and he went out of his way to make sure we had the best time possible, we traveled in the state, had nice dinners out, he introduced me to his best friends. I don't believe he was playing me, he was pretty much in love with me before we met, and as the ex decided to break contact, he felt torn between two guys, the old and the new.

    IAmTheOneWhoKnocks said
    You say with your own words that the dude literally crawled back to his boyfriend hours after you left town. Does that not insult you? Is that not extremely telling of the kind of guy he really is? (...) Don't pin all your hopes on this one guy, because believe me, you are way over-romanticizing how amazing he is.


    I know what you mean, I should hate him for going back to his ex, but he never deceived me, he was upfront about it, he said exactly what he felt for me and for his ex and that he wanted to give him another shot. According to all relationship advice, I should cut contact with him and forget about it entirely, yet I feel this regret inside me that I'd be losing something special if I would do that.

    I'd rather have him tell me "fuck off, I have a boyfriend, disappear from my life" than "let's be friends, for now". And I did ask him that, to crush my heart as that would be easier to move on and forget him, but he doesn't want to hurt me.

    I understand that I might get in trouble for moving to a city where I don't know people, pay a lot of money to be there and get myself in trouble financially for not having considered that all odds are against me.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 09, 2015 10:59 PM GMT
    I'm sorry this has happened to you, it was awful of him to lead you on like that. But you have to let him go. He has made his decision.

    There was a very strange stretch for me a while back where every guy I'd go out on a few dates with would tell me that as much as they liked me, that they were getting back together with their ex.

    Your situation is even worse: you were basically in a three week relationship and then when you left he immediately went back to his ex. That was terrible of him, because--let's be real here--he didn't suddenly start having feelings for his ex again, they never really stopped. He might have liked you an awful lot, but he clearly was still wanting to get back with his ex, and you were the object of jealousy that was the catalyst for his ex wanting to get back with him: his ex saw him with you, became jealous of what he no longer had, and probably pursued getting back with him immediately.

    Sorry, but you really need to give it up and accept that he is back with his ex.
  • SnowSpirit

    Posts: 21

    Jan 10, 2015 7:31 AM GMT
    I'm sorry to say this, but it sounds like he's on his ex's hook and now your on his and no one deserves to be second fiddle. If he says "for now" then he might be using you as a backup in case things go sour with his ex again.

    I don't think he's worth your time personally. Get out of there, you'll miss the one that is.

  • Kzo2013

    Posts: 4

    Jan 10, 2015 9:37 AM GMT
    thenes saidYour situation is even worse: you were basically in a three week relationship and then when you left he immediately went back to his ex. That was terrible of him, because--let's be real here--he didn't suddenly start having feelings for his ex again, they never really stopped. He might have liked you an awful lot, but he clearly was still wanting to get back with his ex, and you were the object of jealousy that was the catalyst for his ex wanting to get back with him: his ex saw him with you, became jealous of what he no longer had, and probably pursued getting back with him immediately.


    You're probably right, they weren't together for 4 months, but were still hanging out as friends. It's when I arrived that things "changed". The ex got extra jealous and wanted no contact, my guy felt bad about that and asked himself "why do I still care about him?"

    Yea, we jumped right into a relationship from the moment we met (we had already chatted for months, we knew what we wanted from each other, and we wanted each other). It hurts to have had something so amazing and now it's over because a) I didn't live there b) he ran straight to his ex. In other words, there was nothing wrong between us... just bad timing?