Am I incapable of being monogamis?

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    Jan 20, 2009 11:31 AM GMT
    So here is the deal. For those of you that dont know..which most of you dont...I am a soldier deployed in iraq. I have volunteered to be here since May 2004. Im pretty sure thats some kind of record for someone volunteering to be in iraq for that long. Occationally I go home for a month sometimes two between tours. As you can imagine its not easy being in a relationship since i have dedicated my life to my job, which i love more than anything.

    About 5 months ago I was home for 2 months. During this time i met a great guy. He is just about perfect for me and we had a great time together while i was home. We really hit it off and got attached. I told him from the start that I would be leaving to iraq again and that i didnt want him to get too attached, but we both did anyway. We told each other that we loved each other..which was pretty huge. Since i left i havent heard too much from him. If i email him he will reply but only with a short note saying he loves me and misses me. Not much else. I finally had a long conversation with him over YIM and he said that he is just not good with expressing emotions, which i understood and know that he was honest about that. I am about to go on leave for a couple weeks and am looking forward to seeing him again. He says the same.

    Being deployed there isnt too many opportunities to be with a guy...meaning i dont get laid nearly as much as i would like to. Most soldiers are all about makin up for lost time when they get home, i am no different. The problem is the dude i am going home to see does not like to have sex nearly as much as i do. When we were first together he told me that he gets too emotionally attached when having sex so he was trying to avoid that since it would be to hard for him when i left. we ended up having sex twice. We did have lots of foreplay during our time together, which was great.

    I want to be with him and spend time with him...but being the very sexually charged guy i am i also want to get laid while i can. Is it wrong for me to try to hook up with a guy or two while im home even though i am still trying to figure out where i stand with this one guy? Is it wrong to even want to hook up with guys just cause i have the opportunity to?
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    Jan 20, 2009 11:41 AM GMT
    All the things you ask at the beginning (topic) and in the end, all depends on how far you and your guy agreed to be exclusively committed to each other. Have you discussed this issue at all even it were hypotheticalicon_question.gif
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    Jan 20, 2009 11:56 AM GMT
    When i was home, after seeing each other for a couple of weeks, I had a dude call me wanting to hook up. I called my guy..we will call him 'tony'..and told him what the situation was. I said that I have been honest with him from the beginning and dont see the need to hide anything from him. I said that I really liked him but im also very sexual type guy and wanted to get laid. He told me that i can do what I want but he would rather me not.

    Before i left i told him that i would be gone for a long time and i didnt want him to wait for me, because its not fair. I told him to see other people but i would like to keep in touch with him and get to know him better. maybe in the future we could finally be together.

    Recently when i talked to him he said it was hard missing me and he was lonley. I asked him if he had gone out with anyone and he said yes. But he said that he wasnt into them nearly as much as he was into me and it was wierd for him to date other guys while thinking about me.
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    Jan 20, 2009 12:08 PM GMT
    You know what, I'd give the advice my first boyfriend gave me before letting go:
    "Go sow your wild oats and then return to me."
    So far, he's still single and I am still whoring around. 'Nuff said. icon_cool.gif
    p.s.
    Do you ever play in Dubai? icon_twisted.gif
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    Jan 20, 2009 12:30 PM GMT
    Thats kind of how i feel. and i pretty much recommended the same for him. I'm not around enough to be in a real relationship at this point..but would like to get to know each other while im gone. But while i am home and we can be together is what makes it confusing for me to decide. And makes me wonder when the time comes...can i be mongamis or will i be one of those cheating bastards...i would hope not.

    Never been to Dubai, would like to go sometime though. I love arabs!
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    Jan 20, 2009 12:43 PM GMT
    Have you seen the movie "Powder"? Extreme, I know! Do you recall how he was when he has been finally led into the outside world? From how I see your situashun, you can only be monogamous (and capable of LDR) when you're in Iraq. Sadness makes it so. When you finally find yourself in the playground without Tony, there will simply be no stopping you from trying all the rides around.
    I say go out and play, experience life more and embrace all the opportunities,
    they're bountiful! Fill in all the void by emptying your sac left, right, center, under, over, bi, thai, etc. Just be safe (look who's talking!) LOL! You get what I mean. icon_wink.gif
    Take it one step at a time. Why not be a vacation boyfriends? Pretty much similar to a weekend lover type? You're young and the world is your fish & chips. LOL
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    Jan 20, 2009 1:16 PM GMT
    drjon2ko said And makes me wonder when the time comes...can i be mongamis or will i be one of those cheating bastards...i would hope not.


    It's impossible to know the answer until you try it and see how the situation develops. Don't let fear of failure stop you from having what could be a good relationship. And if you find out that you're not able to be monogamous, so what? First, you've learned something about yourself. Second, it could be that you're unfaithful only because this guy isn't the right one for you.

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    Jan 20, 2009 2:08 PM GMT
    TexDef07 saidSecond, it could be that you're unfaithful only because this guy isn't the right one for you.

    I find this quite striking as this has always been the rationalization that follows after the cliched "Have you ever been in love?" queschun! Since we're on the subject, do you really become monogamous when you've finally found the "right one"? Or is it the other way around? BAH!
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    Jan 20, 2009 2:47 PM GMT
    It's a choice on whether or not you're monogamous or not. If you like the guy, and want to be with him, be with him. Tell him that sex is important to you, and you're willing to give yourself to the relationship if he's willing to give it up. Otherwise, I'd handle that situation with care. I'm the type who in the past used to get too attached (I haven't really had any romantic interest in anyone for a long time as a result of getting attached and being burned). I can't say how I'd react now, but if I told the guy to do what he wanted, and I really liked him. It'd probably be pretty devastating to me if he did sleep with other people even though I told him it was ok.

    Thank you for your service btw. I know it's not an easy life by any means.
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    Jan 20, 2009 2:53 PM GMT
    You'll be ready to be monogamous when you can spell it.icon_wink.gif
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    Jan 20, 2009 2:58 PM GMT


    hey drjon2ko, you said, "And makes me wonder when the time comes...can i be mongamis or will i be one of those cheating bastards...i would hope not."

    This is a something you shouldn't worry about - you've already demonstrated openness and up-front honesty. You're not cheating when the groundwork for an open relationship is laid out BEFOREHAND.
    Open relationships can change and become monogamous. Like one guy told us, " We each played the field, but after awhile it became boring as there was no 'spark' to go along with the sex. The sex we had with each other was better, comfortable and full of feelings."
    A good example of this is what your BF said to you. Your quote,
    "I asked him if he had gone out with anyone and he said yes. But he said that he wasnt into them nearly as much as he was into me and it was wierd for him to date other guys while thinking about me."

    ....so there you go. It's all good. Both of you are conducting yourselves like gentlemen and giving each other a huge amount of respect. Very cool.


    -us
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    Jan 20, 2009 2:58 PM GMT
    GuerrillaSodomite saidYou'll be ready to be monogamous when you can spell it.icon_wink.gif


    I couldn't have said it better myself.
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    Jan 20, 2009 3:31 PM GMT
    I know i cant spell for shit...well, you know what the hell im tryin to say
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    Jan 20, 2009 3:46 PM GMT
    nikeathlete said
    GuerrillaSodomite saidYou'll be ready to be monogamous when you can spell it.icon_wink.gif


    I couldn't have said it better myself.


    Damn! You two beat me to it!

    Monogamy is a personal choice and only you can answer that question.
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    Jan 20, 2009 4:25 PM GMT
    I think it's too early to tell is your sex drive means you two won't be compatible or not. If you really like this guy though, it seems you need to be respectful of the fact that he attaches a lot of emotion to sex and you don't at such an early stage. That doesn't mean if you found yourself in a serious relationship after a while you couldn't be monogamous AND once he is comfortable that he is with someone he loves or cares very deeply for, his sex drive maybe just as high as yours! I say be patient about the sex part and get to know him better outside of sex. Once you get to know him better, you may find you have major difference and aren't that compatible after all and then the whole sex question becomes a mute point.
  • coolarmydude

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    Jan 20, 2009 6:55 PM GMT
    Your issue isn't monogamy, it's communication. The ambiguities that the two of you express to each other, sexually and from the heart, is causing some trust issues. If the two of you can't trust what the other is communicating, then you have nothing.
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    Jan 20, 2009 7:08 PM GMT
    Only you can decide whether monogamy is for you. Some guys find it virtually impossible to be monogamous, others have no problems. I am not sure why that is, although I am sure genetics has something to do with it. In my family all the males are relationship oriented and would rather be in a monogamous committed relationship then in an open relationship.
  • byronicheros

    Posts: 211

    Jan 20, 2009 7:24 PM GMT
    yes
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    Jan 20, 2009 8:36 PM GMT
    Hey thanks for all the replies. I am taking all of y'alls advice pretty serious. I'm even thinking about buying a dictionary.

    I have had a couple of tempting offers. Just now actually in the showers! But im being a good boy. I've decided to hold out on everything until i see him and talk things over to see where we are in our relationship. If I had stayed and we were spending time together it would be a lot easier. It's the whole being away on deployment thing that throws things off...that and the lack of emails i get from him to reassure me he really does have deep feelings for me.

    I will keep y'all posted on how it goes

    thanks again
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    Jan 21, 2009 1:29 AM GMT
    I'm not worried about it. I have used sites like this for years and nothing has happened. The army isnt exactly on witch hunts anymore these days. It has happened but on rare occation and its usually a personal attack that had been spun out of some other incident, in most cases. Hopefully Obama will do us some good and take care of the DADT policy. If they did kick me out...you would be hearing about it on the news. I have dedicated almost 5 years of my life to this war in iraq. ?Not at home training for this war, or some other support type mission...IN IRAQ for 5 YEARS! Please dont think im complaining because I love my job and I love what i do here...but I dont think it should be overlooked when judging my charactor. (wait did i spell charactor right?)
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    Jan 21, 2009 1:37 AM GMT
    GuerrillaSodomite saidYou'll be ready to be monogamous when you can spell it.icon_wink.gif
    Can I take you home? I'd think we'd make a good team scaring the little kiddies!!!!

    Mate, monogamy is a choice, you can choose to be faithful, all the shitty arguments about if you can't or shoulder and shit is a load of bull, you wanna be monogamous then be monogamous, its not easy with temptation and a high sex drive, but then, what else that's good in life is easy.
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    Feb 05, 2009 3:27 PM GMT
    So here is the update. Ive been home for a week and a half an just got a few more weeks to go before i head back to the sandbox. The second day i was here Tony came to a party i was having. We didnt get to spend too much time together because of all the people around, but we both had a real good time. After that i would call him and talk to him about once a day. I was supposed to see him one night and at the last minute he said he was at the club with his cousin and he was just gonna hang out with there and see me some other time. I didnt make a big deal of it. We were supposed to watch the super bowl together but he blew me off didnt call or anything, and that pissed me off. I'm not sure what his deal was but obviously he was not into the relationship as much as i was hoping.
    Besides his lack of commitment i still questioned my own. could i have been commited to him if it would have worked out between us? The problem again is my high sex drive. And i realized that it is way too easy for a gay guy to hook up with another dude in the city.
    So after i realized that i was not attached to anyone in any type of relationship i told myself i was free to do whatever i wanted without feeling guilty. It didnt take long for me to realize that just cause i can have sex with another guy at any time doesnt mean that i should. It is a very nasty world out there with a lot of wierdos and diseases.
    Long story short my vacation was all lonely nights and lots of internet porn. But once i got that out of the way i was ready to enjoy the rest of my time home and do other stuff that doesnt revolve around getting laid.
    I think i am ready for a relationship....just not possible with my lifestyle though.
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    Feb 05, 2009 3:40 PM GMT
    I can definately relate to your situation as someone who onmce in the military as well. The whole thing pretty depends on you and what you really want to get out it. One the one hand you have a great guy who you feel really connected to and could probably build a great relationship with since you guys click. On the other hand, he doesn't like sex nearly as much as you do and it seems to be part of your character.

    With your particular job it's hard tobe in a relationship because youare always gone working long hours and being deployed is near that much fun depening on where you go. I did Iraq but managed to have my fun while there with someone from Ramnstein AFB.

    Back to the real topic. I say enjoy the single life and be free. This guy sounds really nice and all but from the way things seem to be going I don't think it would work out. I mean from your recent update it seems like he didn't quite get the fact that you are gonna be lonely for 16 months in a desert with no privacy and extremely limited options and it sounds like he'd rather go to club then spend time with you.



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    Feb 05, 2009 4:06 PM GMT
    The OP is looking for real answers to a real problem and all you can do is to harp on his spelling! OMG! Unless you’re an idiot you knew what he meant. GOD!

    drjon-

    I think it more bad timing than anything else. From what I have gleamed from your post is that you care about the guy who is state side and you were very honest with him. TRUST ME! CHEATERS are not that forthcoming with information. It appears that you both have great communication.

    If it's meant to be it will happen. When your tour of duty is up re-visit the situation.

    You don't sound like the cheating type.icon_biggrin.gif

    Good Luck to you and be safe!
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    Feb 05, 2009 4:29 PM GMT
    drjon2ko said And i realized that it is way too easy for a gay guy to hook up with another dude in the city.
    So after i realized that i was not attached to anyone in any type of relationship i told myself i was free to do whatever i wanted without feeling guilty. It didnt take long for me to realize that just cause i can have sex with another guy at any time doesnt mean that i should. It is a very nasty world out there with a lot of wierdos and diseases.
    Long story short my vacation was all lonely nights and lots of internet porn. But once i got that out of the way i was ready to enjoy the rest of my time home and do other stuff that doesnt revolve around getting laid.


    That's very good for you, man! I think you made the right choice, anyway. Just because you can doesn't mean you should.

    I do hope things work out for you though, thanks for what you do in Iraq!