Did I do the wrong thing?

  • nick5792

    Posts: 318

    Jan 09, 2015 2:39 AM GMT
    Recently, I met this guy who considers me "out of his league". The guy had zero confidence in himself, and had a very cynical view on life. I am leaving on Saturday to live in another state for a year, and when I met this guy, I said we are just friends because I am moving in one month.

    At the beginning of hanging out, I find out he really likes me alot, and I have fun with it. I did sleep with him, because I felt he was on the same page, and he said he was ok with me leaving in a month. As we continued to hang out, he began to fall harder and harder for me, and I continually reminded him dont get too attached im leaving. He began to have this built up version of me in his head, that I tried to break but he wasnt having it. EVerything I did ended up being perfect in his eyes. I am always respectful, and nice, and try to put others needs before my own, which I dont think he has seen alot of in his life. I encouraged him to go out together and get guys numbers, and to hang out with this guy who he told me was the love of his life (which he only said to make me jealous). He ended up taking me on dates, that I didnt realize were dates until we were in the middle of the actual date. Yes I continued to sleep with him because I DID in fact like him ,but I was not emotionally invested.

    Anyway, I went out last week and through a weird series of circumstance I messed around with our mutual best friend. I knew what I did even though I was drunk, and wanted to do it. Well the guy that likes me just went off, and I wrecked that ideal image he had in his head of me. He has really attacked me hard over the past few days about what I did. And I do feel bad for hurting his feelings, but in the end I wanted to do my own thing and I tried to tell him we are not a couple, and we wont be. And he wanted to continue what we were doing.

    Maybe I made the mistake of sleeping with him, but he really assured me we were on the same page. And now he is acting like we were going to get married, and I have destroyed his life. I am not in anyway trying to justify it, but I like hanging around the guy he is a TON of fun, was that my mistake? Like I said I thought I was clear cut, and I dont want to lose a friend.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 09, 2015 2:46 AM GMT
    Sorry bro
    no hugs here
    you seem like a total douch
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    Jan 09, 2015 2:55 AM GMT
    No I don't think you're in the wrong at all to be honest. You were clear with your intentions from the start and he either didn't understand or didn't listen (or didn't want to listen, most likely).

    I've been that low self-confidence guy before, and it's not your fault at all. The guy just seems to be negative about everything and clinged to something positive (you) in his life and is now reacting in that way because reality is setting in and his imaginary world isn't gonna be possible. He built it up hard and fast- falling that hard over someone after only knowing them a month is pretty dangerous emotionally on his part.
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    Jan 09, 2015 2:55 AM GMT
    Sometimes you have to go by how a person acts instead of what they tell you. It's pretty obvious when someone is in love with you and no matter what they say, you have to protect them from getting hurt because people are very weak and vulnerable when they're in love. Yes, sleeping with him was wrong because it sounds like your focus was getting your rocks off instead oh his best interest.
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    Jan 09, 2015 2:58 AM GMT
    huh, who sleeps with who?
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    Jan 09, 2015 3:00 AM GMT
    It's a collaborative mess. Your friend should have bailed the situation. Secondly, you openly admit that you were using your friend for sex.
  • nick5792

    Posts: 318

    Jan 09, 2015 3:25 AM GMT
    I wouldnt say I intentionally used him at all. I like hanging around the guy, and would love to continue to be his friend. But I do agree with I should have paid more attention to his actions, and I think I should have figured out how he really felt. I am ALWAYS honest with the guy, and ive told him when some other guy texts me, or if this happened. Not because we are in a relationship, but because I like to be open as possible to not cause problems in the future. The problem Im having is it seems morally I was wrong, because I dont want to hurt his feelings, and yet technically I feel was right because I laid out at every step of the way there is no future.

    I think the world of the guy, and he has a tough time. He is in therapy, and has a lot of issues within himself that he is working on. He started off so cynical and unhappy, and hte more time I spent with him, and helped him work on his confidence and own who he is the happier he became. And I feel devastated that I may have ruined the happy streak he was on. I dont want to break that in him. I want him to continue to be happy. I told him multiple times I want him to find a guy who treats with him the utmost respect, because he deserves that. And more than anything I just want him to continue to feel good about himself.

    Hopefully I dont sound too preachy, but I just feel this guy was beginning to believe in himself, and I dont want my selfishness to ruin it.
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    Jan 09, 2015 4:25 AM GMT
    hoe doesn't know when to stop, if u want to play, don't be afraid to get hurt, relationship of all kind can be a brutal war zone.
  • AMoonHawk

    Posts: 11406

    Jan 09, 2015 4:40 AM GMT
    You told him it was friends with benefits. It is not your fault he is unbalanced, but you gotta deal with the fall out. The best thing to do is re-emphasize that you are not ready for a relationship and thank him for being friends with benefits but it is time to end the relationship and go your separate ways because he appears to be too emotionally involved.

    Break it off before you end up in a psycho relationship. You can't fix him, so don't try, you'll only screw up yourself, and screw him up more than what he is.
  • Trauts

    Posts: 1012

    Jan 09, 2015 4:50 AM GMT
    Yeah, I don't think its your fault either if you already told him that you're not interested that way, right from the start. He probably thought there was a chance to go further with you and harped on that feeling.

    IMO, he's being a big drama queen if he's acting like you ruined life when he already knew what he was getting himself into.
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    Jan 09, 2015 4:50 AM GMT
    You didn't do anything wrong. Right now he needs to act all pissed off at you as a way of coping with the fact that you're moving away. Let him do what he needs to do and meanwhile good luck to you with your move.
  • WhoDey

    Posts: 561

    Jan 09, 2015 5:17 AM GMT
    Keep it in your pants. Just because you can sleep with someone doesn't mean you should.
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    Jan 09, 2015 5:42 AM GMT

    Ouch, sounds like you got a rude awakening. You got a little (or a lot) cocky and now you have to deal with the consequences

    Hey, you can't be the nice guy, and get your's at the same time. It doesn't work like that. However, it doesn't make you an evil being, and he'll likely be just fine. If not, you can't blame yourself for someone else's depression. If not you, he likely would've found another catalyst for self destruction sooner than later. People have suffered far more tragic events while in therapy and wind up doing just fine. But for the man's sake, stop with the "he's great and I love him as a friend" bit and let it go.

    Life's a learn as you go process. No one gets through it without stepping on toes, or hurting feelings. Even the ones who do the worst of the worst have someone who still sees the good in them and loves them unconditionally.

    Blah blah. The clif notes version, stop worrying, own your part, learn from it and move on.
  • nick5792

    Posts: 318

    Jan 09, 2015 6:16 AM GMT
    Mixed opinions! Yea I agree, Im def learning along the way. I wanted to say goodbye to him tomorrow in person, and he agreed. I think he would regret not saying goodbye.

    And I slept with him at the time, because I thought he could handle it. I needed to pick up on his actions and how he felt. That was totally my mistake.

    And he needs to think of me as the person who destroyed his life, because thats the only way he will move on. I know how this works, and Im ok with that. Does not change how I feel about him. But he has to think that I am some manipulative player in order for his mind, and emotions to cope. Eventually we will be in a place I expected to be as just friends, and if he cant have that, then I wont dangle myself in front of him. Ill cut ties and move on.
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    Jan 09, 2015 8:09 AM GMT
    You did nothing wrong. He led himself on, it happens.. you could have avoided the situation though, as I try to myself when I notice that kind of behavior, but he created an image of you in his head that he wanted but deep down knows is not the case. You aren't together, you hold no obligations to him.
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    Jan 09, 2015 3:44 PM GMT
    It sounds like u knew what you were doing. U knew he liked u, u knew he was going to sleep with if u wanted, you knew he wa desperate and yet u went on and slept with him. This sound like u were playing him all along. Be a man and admit what u did was wrong.
  • nick5792

    Posts: 318

    Jan 09, 2015 4:18 PM GMT
    He brought the sex thing up. I kept saying no. And he insisted he would be ok. We did it once, and I didnt even want to remove my shirt, but in the end I DID go through with it. The second time I insisted no again, and he still said he was fine, and I DID go through with it again. So I cant justify his asking for it, with me not being to blame as well since I caved.

    Again, it was just opinions on the matter, and Part of me feels wrong, but another larger part of me feels what I did was not very wrong.
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    Jan 09, 2015 4:38 PM GMT
    You keep trying to justify what you did because deep down inside you know you were taking advantage of someone who was emotionally vulnerable. It doesn't make you Hitler, but not a very decent person nonetheless. At least you do have a conscience, and that's encouraging. Listen to it before dropping your pants.
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    Jan 09, 2015 4:43 PM GMT
    Could it be possible that you let your ego cloud your judgment? I only ask this because you say from the onset that the guy considered you "out of his league". As such, as soon as you started paying attention to him, he started to focus his attention on you, and apparently compliment the hell out of you. To him, it was like spending time with his celebrity heartthrob crush. To you, could it have been you got to spend time with someone who was infatuated with you? I'm not judging you when I say this, because I think at some point & time we've all done this. The ego stroke can be amazing, even when we're aware that we are sending the wrong message to that person.

    The other thing is you say he's in therapy for his issues, but you don't mention how soon you knew that after you met him. Knowing that someone has self-image and insecurity issues that need to be professionally addressed, it was unwise to engage in behavior (ie. sex) that was bound to encourage feelings you knew he had, and was hoping would develop in you.

    I hate to break it to you, but you're human like the rest of us. The best you can do now is not to replicate that behavior again. Think with the big head, not the little one.





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    Jan 09, 2015 4:47 PM GMT
    the OP has less personal restraint than my Irish Setter.
  • nick5792

    Posts: 318

    Jan 09, 2015 4:57 PM GMT
    I only found out about his therapy fairly recently. But youre right I needed to really think about how crazy he was for me.

    In a way, maybe I needed an ego stroke. I just recently was dumped all over on by a guy, and here I am thinking I am not good enough, and this guy comes along and treats me like I am sort of savior. In the end, I really believe what he said, and the things he told me, were who I am, and getting heartbroken before I needed it.

    Now he is in the same position I was in just a few months ago, and I can fully see the whole situation.

    But dont get me wrong, I did like the guy for who he was. He has a lot of funny quirks, and we have a lot of the same interests. And we can make each other laugh. I also thought maybe its because the guy is a little older, and really looking hard for the love of his life, and I KNEW it wasnt me, and I thought he knew he was not it either.

    Just a good learning experience overall.
  • Tig3r

    Posts: 139

    Jan 09, 2015 5:15 PM GMT
    I was with you the entire story.
    "Yeah he is not in the wrong, the other guy should have known..."


    nick5792 said

    Anyway, I went out last week and through a weird series of circumstance I messed around with our mutual best friend. I knew what I did even though I was drunk, and wanted to do it.








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    Now that is fucked up, not only does he feel bad that you slept with another guy (Based off your story that would have been inevitable), but a friend of his? Now he'll have even more trust issues. He cannot trust the guy he's talking to, nor his friends cause he may assume they are sleeping with each other.
    #Notcoolman
  • Destinharbor

    Posts: 4433

    Jan 09, 2015 5:28 PM GMT
    You're fine. You just ran across a random guy with problems. He'll work it out with his therapist. So you're dating and had sex. Big deal. The guys on here that have an issue with that are always against anyone having sex for any reason and like to call sexually active guys disparaging names. Just continue to be a gentleman and that's about all you can do. His problems are not your problems.
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    Jan 09, 2015 6:29 PM GMT
    Good grief, it's a wonder anyone ever posts anything personal on here anymore. Yes, the OP could have been more considerate of the guy's feelings but it also sounds like he's learning from the experience and bettering himself from it. And he obviously didn't do anything malicious. You guys turn everything into a black or white situation and most things in life just don't fall into those too categories.
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    Jan 09, 2015 7:21 PM GMT
    Destinharbor saidYou're fine. You just ran across a random guy with problems. He'll work it out with his therapist. So you're dating and had sex. Big deal. The guys on here that have an issue with that are always against anyone having sex for any reason and like to call sexually active guys disparaging names. Just continue to be a gentleman and that's about all you can do. His problems are not your problems.


    In his own words: "At the beginning of hanging out, I find out he really likes me alot, and I have fun with it."

    "I have fun with it." He knows the guy likes him more than he likes the guy. He knows he is leaving soon to live in another state for a year. He knows the guy has "zero confidence in himself" and is vulnerable. Yet he takes advantage of the guy's vulnerability, "has fun with it," and he doesn't know if he did anything wrong?! Please, I'm all for guys having as much sex as they want. Hell, I don't care if he uses thousands of guys and leaves a swath of broken psyches in his wake, but damn it don't come on here and try to assuage your guilt and expect the members to pat you on the head and tell you that you're a great guy.

    He knows damned good and well they weren't on the "same page."

    The only thing that is "fine" is that he appears to have a conscience and is questioning his actions. For that, I applaud him.

    OP: You are a good looking, intelligent man with a good conscience. I don't think you should have any trouble finding a man to have an equitable, healthy relationship with or casual encounters with like minded guys. You don't need to use anyone to get your rocks off. The gay community is full of damaged psyches. Don't be the reason for any more of them. We are our brothers' keepers.