Why some gay guys can be shallow?

  • Snowy1994

    Posts: 9

    Jan 09, 2015 5:56 PM GMT
    I had to change the title since some of the words didn't came out.

    Okay, not to be harsh or judgmental but most guys these days need to stop hurting others or thinking they're smarter than them or rejecting them for their looks. I don't have much friends and I do get emotional at times because of the bad past but also get lonely at times. I struggle with OCD, ADD, Autism, & Suicidal thoughts and also been isolated by guys yet trying to reach out for them. I'm very kind hearted and smile at others but I get hurt easily and as well get upset by people not wanting to hangout with me. I do cry every night or wondering what I'm doing wrong. I go out for my walks everyday to clear my mind and all I do is go to the stores and talk to someone if I can and it's tough for me to get close to someone without getting scared away.

    I know I may not be normal but I'm human. It's also hard being single because I try going out to public places like Starbucks or the mall but guys seem to avoid me and I live in Phoenix so it's hard to make gay friends here and the community isn't good for me since I tried One in Ten and other gay places and even gay dating.

    I'm sorry if I sound pity or whining about things but I hate seeing myself hurt considered the fact I got used by over 10 guys when I was 18 when I ran away from home and some also raped me as well as molesting me. Some of the apps were from Grindr, Jack'D, & GuySpy that I used before since I didn't knew what sex was back then and thought it was for friends or dating. It's hard for me to be a little stress free from the drama I had from guys and my friends telling me to grow up and stuff but I'm trying to change and reaching out to others but my heart skips a beat when stuff like this happens.
  • Tig3r

    Posts: 139

    Jan 09, 2015 6:10 PM GMT
    If a guy just happens to come off as rude, walk away. If you have a good, kind heart, then you do not need those people in your life. I for one was the kind of individual that had a lot of negative people in my life who only wanted to bring me down to their level.

    I used to sit in class with people whispering in my ear "You're ugly", "Your clothes are awful". They only wanted to see me respond and get upset, it was their victory if I did.

    1. Not every guy wants a person that is masculine or straight acting, personally, I prefer my guys to be on the more feminine side of life, if they are masculine or feminine does not mean I will not love them any more or any less.

    2. Money and Expensive clothing are all tangible things, those can be bought. Yet, an educated man is someone you should look for; more diverse conversation, newer experiences, and someone who will keep you on your toes.

    3. Everyone has disadvantages. (Too Young, Too Old, Too White, Too Black, Too Masculine, Too Feminine, Too Skinny, Too Big.) It is how you turn those "disadvantages" into "advantages". I have never let a anything stop me from going for what I want.

    *And I do not think that most gays are rude. You have had the unfortunate luck in dealing with a couple.
  • Snowy1994

    Posts: 9

    Jan 09, 2015 6:20 PM GMT
    Exactly. I agree with you and can relate. Usually, I'm the shy and quiet type that has dealt with bullying from guys in the locker rooms for my Yoga class to forcing me to like girls and become all insecure which was a weird moment during my high school years. I have OCD, ADD, Anxiety, & Autism which effected me around others because I used to be in Special ED from Elementary throughout High School but smiled and waved at everyone that talked to me as well as my teachers which was hard to learn at a faster paste than others.

    I graduated through high school and taken a year in college with my mom to see how it is like out there and done some accomplishments more than most men can do at my age.

    I never judge a guy that's masculine or fem. Just as long as he respects me and loves me for me, then I'll be the luckiest guy on earth and everyone's different. If a guy stares at me while I'm walking with my pajamas, long socks, and a scarf, I'll just ignore them and listening to music on my phone like I'm in my dream with no one interrupting me and can also see what you mean by clothes as well as other guys being picky sometimes. Those guys are the ones that are insecure and not loving themselves if they think they'll be guilty of looked down upon other guys.

    And yes, I had some bad luck but soon, I'll be able to find guys that'll respect me for who I am and it probably also depends on the area I live in too since not many guys I've met are opened to making friends or strict on how the guy acts.
  • Tig3r

    Posts: 139

    Jan 09, 2015 6:23 PM GMT
    Exactly. All you ever need to do in life is worry about you. If you're happy with the way you are and the way you live, let the haters hate.
  • Snowy1994

    Posts: 9

    Jan 09, 2015 6:27 PM GMT
    Totally. I'm already happy how I dress and confident enough to show who I am and other guys that aren't comfortable to be around me or walk away from me are the ones that has problems and not being opened towards others.
  • sothis999

    Posts: 58

    Jan 09, 2015 6:59 PM GMT
    I think it is important to remember that at the end of the day we are individuals with diverse qualities more than anything else. And we're better for it. It is easy to have gay (or some other trait) encompass our identity, but we are more than just that. Many people have their perfect idea of what being gay should be and try to push that on others. I think that is much of the problem.

    Just as in the straight world there is no single type of guy, the same is true in the gay world. We are all a sum of many different things, and while we can make some small changes if we want to, trying to change huge aspects of ourselves at once is not going to happen.

    A nice thought I have often is: out of the hundreds of thousands/millions of people out there in each of our areas there are probably tens of thousands who will like us for who we are now and who we wish to be. So for every person who is incompatible in those ways, there are others to be found who are very compatible. Then it isn't so hard to ignore the people who are rude or unfriendly.

    Another thing to only think about how you can better yourself by removing people from your life who give unjustified criticism. If the people in your life are always criticizing you think about whether or not that criticism is justified or not (some criticism is.) To do this first look at whether or not they are specific or general critiques of you or your actions. If they're saying things like "you always" or "you never" then it is unjustified criticism. If they are labeling you into a group (such as masculine vs. feminine acting), then it is unjustified criticism. If their criticism is general and doesn't address specific issues it usually is unjustified. If it involves a specific thing you do or have done then it might be justified or it might not be. Also consider whether or not it is something you can change very easily and if it is something you want to change about yourself. Additionally think about where the criticism is coming from, and if you value the person it is coming from. Do you value somebody who only cares about you if you have money or expensive clothing? Of course not. Or do you care about the opinion of somebody who isn't interested in your type? Of course not, they can look elsewhere if you're not their type. The sooner you recognize when criticism is justified or not the easier it will be.

    It is important to not ignore all criticism, as sometimes others have insight about you that you might not have about yourself, but the unjustified criticism is best ignored.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 09, 2015 7:43 PM GMT
    Are you attracted to scrawny fem black gays? I hope you are because if you aren't you're acting the same way than the "rude" gays youre complaining about.
  • AMoonHawk

    Posts: 11421

    Jan 09, 2015 7:57 PM GMT
    Some people confuse honesty with rudeness because they don't like being confronted with the truth and then others just lack any class and can't control what escapes over their lips, and others just don't know how to mind their own business. Everyone is different.
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    Jan 09, 2015 7:59 PM GMT
    have we ever had any posters break stereotypes that defy their general groups ???? ( not talking about fem or masc )
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    Jan 09, 2015 8:05 PM GMT
    Oh I just checked OP profile and he's looking for guys that are:

    "Down to Earth and doesn't judge others or put down for who they are
    Tall, average, athletic, muscular, or maybe masculine depending on type "

    Another one complaining they can't get what they don't offer icon_rolleyes.gif

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 09, 2015 8:25 PM GMT
    The gay men that I surround myself with are not rude. It's not that difficult to pick and choose who you want to be in your life with.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 09, 2015 8:38 PM GMT
    If you are surrounded by rude gay men, it's you, not them.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 09, 2015 8:59 PM GMT
    Some are rude, most gay guys are nice. Just find and choose your friends. The rude ones will probably not get bfs !!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 10, 2015 6:23 PM GMT
    You have to let go of your bad experiences. Grow from them and become a better and stronger person. I know it's tough. However, you are not alone. All of us have had our troubles.

    Surround yourself with positive people. That's what friends are for, to help you and be there for you. Know when to walk away from situations and when it is time to walk away from a negative person as well. Words only have power over you if you let them.
  • Hjalmar

    Posts: 110

    Jan 11, 2015 12:25 AM GMT
    I think it´s because of your healthy issues, which you mentioned.
    They are very serious matters, so I don´t think those other guys are shallow, they are just afraid of you. It´s very brave of you to be so open and honest about your situation, but you didn´t mention how bad your health really can get? Have you tried to look for company among other patients among OCD, ADD or autism cases?
  • callumity

    Posts: 52

    Jan 12, 2015 2:49 AM GMT
    It's important to know that perception is open to interpretation. Honesty and rude are often confused but that depends on an individual opinion. How you take my words may be different from how I wanted it to be perceived. I think it's very important to think about that aspect when you're approaching strangers. I've been guilty of thinking someone was rude by catching their expression and thinking they were giving weird faces but once I had spoken to them, it seemed I took a single moment out of context. It's scary how easy it is to take things like that and it could explode into something else.

    Personally speaking, I think you need to tackle the unresolved issues in your life before considering dating or even devoting your time to someone else. It doesn't seem like dating or having a boyfriend will solve all your problems. I've got friends with similar situations as you use being single as a reason for their problems in life and granted, it may be true but it always felt like they weren't satisfied with themselves enough to be confident being alone/single/etc.

    I think the most important thing is working on the aspects of your life that you feel really uncomfortable with i.e confronting your past and making amends and talking to a professional/friend about what is bugging you. I always found it comforting blogging and writing down my feeling in a public space so people could read/understand/learn/advise me on what could help.

    Face the issues you can change because you'll be all kinds of people and some may be harsh, judgmental, egotistical and vain but you'll also meet people who have kind souls. I learnt the hard way that you can't change people but it's so easy to change yourself to suit other people's ideals which you should never do. Never harden your heart because of your experiences because that's when you will really lose. Stay blessed, mate.