He broke up with me because he said he needed to focus on school

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    Jan 09, 2015 11:48 PM GMT
    (This is going to be detailed and novel-length, just a heads up, so feel free to skip to the tl;dr version at the end.)

    Two summers ago I met a guy platonically to go running at the nature park I like running at--let's call him "runner guy". I thought he was sexy and adorable, but I was in a relationship at the time so I decided it would be a terrible idea to continue hanging out with him. Besides, he lived out of town for school and was only back for a little bit during the Summer.

    The following Summer I was no longer in that previous relationship and was back on the gay apps, the runner guy contacted me. Once again he was just back in town for a little bit during summer break, and we talked about going running again or cuddling or whatever but it never ended up happening. But we kept in contact and got to know each other.

    I was seeing someone else but it wasn't exclusive (though I was VERY interested in this other guy) so agreed to meet runner guy around Halloween for haunted houses... but those plans didn't really pan out. We then had a weird miscommunication where he thought that all I wanted was sex from him (not at all true) and I thought that's all he wanted, which led to a strange argument. But once we realized that we both were primarily interested in a relationship we agreed to start out with something simple like coffee.

    Again, I was actually seeing someone else and was much more interested in becoming exclusive with that other guy, but I gave runner guy a shot and met him for coffee while he was back in town in early November. He was just as sexy and adorable as ever, and was very charming.

    But again, I was super interested in someone else I was dating. But this runner guy pursued the fuck out of me and was super interested and invested, despite living in another town several hours away, so when he came back for Thanksgiving break we discussed this and he agreed we should just "date and see where it goes" while he was in school.

    Again, despite really liking runner guy and feeling myself already starting to fall for him, I had stronger feelings for the other guy I was dating and decided to throw caution to the wind and ask that other guy if he wanted to be in a relationship (that other guy and I had been dating for a few months at this point)... but the other guy said he just liked being fwb with me, so we decided to stop seeing each other.

    So I FINALLY started returning runner guy's affections and was just as into it as he was. We spent almost all of his winter break together, going on tons of dates, really enjoying each other. He would bring up things about the future, implying that we'd live together after he graduated and moved back, and such.

    But then the day of my birthday (New Years Eve) when we woke up, he seemed a bit off. He'd kept going on and on for several days about how he wanted my birthday to be special and asked what I wanted to do. I kept telling him I didn't really care what new years party or whatever we went to, that I just wanted him to have a fun New Years Eve, and that all I wanted was the cheesy kiss at midnight. He had to go help his mom pack some boxes (she was in the process of moving) but we would figure out our plans for the night and reconvene. He then brought up school and how he hadn't been as focused last term as he should have been (implying it was because of his fixation on me) and that he hadn't done any preparation for next term during winter break (again, implying it was because of his fixation with me).

    Then he brought up a friend of his, whom he had never mentioned, but was suddenly talking about constantly, whom he had dated a few times but that it hadn't worked out because they'd "moved too fast". I think he would tell I was nonplussed and said "sorry, I'll quit bringing him up" and I said "Well, you have been bringing him up an awful lot lately, do you think you might still have feelings for him?" And there was a long, long pause while he thought and finally said "Honestly, I don't know. I deleted him as a friend a couple weeks ago because he was posting pics of him and his new boyfriend and I didn't like seeing them and didn't know if it was because I had feelings for him or because I was jealous that he had a boyfriend and I didn't". Our conversation had to end there because

    When I contacted him that evening he said he was thinking about a lot of things (his mother had gone in to get some blood tests the day before to see if she had MS or some other such disease) and wasn't feeling up to going out. I asked if he wanted to be alone or if I should come over or if he wanted to come over to my place. He said that he was going to bed early so we wouldn't get to spend much time together. I said "Oh, so no kiss at midnight then?" and he said that he would, but only because he felt obligated to because it was my birthday. I was pretty hurt and frustrated so I laid it all out and said that I wondered if his interest in me was diminishing and if he had feelings for that friend of his but I didn't want to bring it up because I knew he was stressed enough as it was with his mother's situation. He said neither of those things were the case but that we should talk about it the following day.

    So the next day (New Years Day) I met him and he was like a completely different person. Instead of the bubbly, effervescent, super affectionate cutie, he was super serious and cold. He said that he wanted to reiterate that his feelings for me were not diminishing and he did not have feelings for his friend. He said that he did thing we should stop dating though, so that he could focus on school. He didn't do as well as he should have last term and blamed that on his fixation with me and that if we continued dating he would again not have focus. He hugged me and cried and walked away.

    This was a week ago and I'm still stunned and confused. He had put SO much effort and energy into making me fall for him and then once I started to, he ends it on the flimsy "I need to focus in school" excuse. I'm not sure I buy that excuse and think it's much more likely he really does have feelings for that friend of his, but doesn't want to admit it for whatever reason.

    Bizarrely coincidentally: someone on one of the homo apps the next day asked if my name was that of runner guy's friend (who has an unusual name). Apparently me and runner guy's friend look similar. :/ Maybe he was only super interested in me because I reminded him of that guy and now that he and that guy are friends again, maybe runner guy thinks they'll have a shot at getting back together or something.

    I feel... hoodwinked. I feel like he kind of tricked me into falling for him just to break up with me once I did. I know he didn't do it on purpose, but it still sucks.

    But what I want to know is: is his reason valid? Would you breakup with someone you have feelings for just to focus at school?


    tl;dr: A guy was super into me but I wasn't all that into him at first, but his persistence became endearing and I eventually started to fall for him, but once I did he said we needed to stop dating so that he could focus on school. Is that a legit reason?
  • Sodajoy

    Posts: 19

    Jan 09, 2015 11:59 PM GMT
    just an other excuase, hey im tired with u.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 10, 2015 2:28 AM GMT
    You forgot to take into account the fact that his mother could have discovered some serious health issue. You did mention that she had blood work done to look for something. It could be a lot of things weighing on this guy's decision. Usually, it's not the reason we think it is. Usually, it's a combination of factors. How old is this guy?
  • AMoonHawk

    Posts: 11406

    Jan 10, 2015 2:47 AM GMT
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    Jan 10, 2015 2:56 AM GMT
    Sounds to me like no one is at fault about anything. Rather, the two have just been "out of phase" with each other. I'd say put some distance between the two of you but stay friends at a distance and maybe give it all another shot after spring semester is over.
  • SilverRRCloud

    Posts: 873

    Jan 10, 2015 6:48 AM GMT
    I went through a very similar experience several years ago.

    My BF went from warm, sweet and wonderful to being distant and cold virtually overnight. We were going to spend the new year's eve together at my place. He phoned at 6pm on the the new year's eve from the airport saying that he had changed his mind, and was going to dedicate more of his time to his family. He simply flew away, and I never saw him againicon_eek.gif

    It took me a week to recover. But I did. icon_confused.gif

    You do not know what's happening in other people's minds. You can try to read as much as you want into what they are saying, doing, etc. But in the end, if they choose to hide a major bit of news from you, they can...

    You cannot build your future together with people who are neither reliable nor stable. It is their good right to stop loving anyone. But if they lack the guts to come out, and call the things by their real names, you want to let them go. Pronto.

    Sure, school, stress, work, family can all pose challenges to both love relationships and longtime friendships. This is when genuine, real and honest people sit together and reorganize their lives to meet the new challenges, so that they can still continue to be lovers, friends, etc. Because this is what they want to do.

    Forget your runner friend, and simply move on. There are great guys out there who deserve your love and companionship.

    SC
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    Jan 10, 2015 2:41 PM GMT
    "Focus on school" is an excuse. If he really likes you to the point you are a distraction with his school work then breaking it off with you will not improve anything as he will fixate on you all the more in your absence and his school work will still suffer.

    It was just an excuse. He's just not into you anymore. Move on.
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    Jan 10, 2015 2:45 PM GMT
    UndercoverMan said"Focus on school" is an excuse. If he really likes you to the point you are a distraction with his school work then breaking it off with you will not improve anything as he will fixate on you all the more in your absence and his school work will still suffer.

    It was just an excuse. He's just not into you anymore. Move on.

    The most likely reason. He really could be consumed by school, but doubtful. I agree - move on.
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    Jan 10, 2015 4:04 PM GMT
    I read your post entirely, and agree with the good advice I've seen above me here, especially from RRSilverCloud. By the time anyone gets to be my age, it is likely that this kind of situation has occurred once or twice, where a relationship wanes. You can try to resuscitate it, but if the other person isn't willing, then let things expire. At that point, get up, get out, be yourself, polish up your act (work out harder, join new groups, run, cycle, swim, do whatever you do to make yourself feel great). Then, next thing you know, you've turned a page and you're meeting someone new and you feel alive again.
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    Jan 10, 2015 4:13 PM GMT
    Astrology would have given you a heads up on this.
    God/Savior as names for the Matrix of Our Solar System as God and Savior over our incarnations on Earth is that kind of friend.

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    Jan 10, 2015 4:31 PM GMT
    Stephenoabc

    Dating someone who is in school and you're not?

    You didn't mention being a Platonic support to his academic efforts.


    Danlport

    He said that he did think we should stop dating though, so that he could focus on school.


    Stephenoabc

    Your lack of Platonic support to his academic efforts failed to empower him as a student.

    Sometimes an affectionate relationship can support a student, sometimes it can be a distraction.


    Danlport

    He didn't do as well as he should have last term.


    Stephenoabc

    Did you fly to his city or go to his city and cook for him or cut his rotisserie chicken for him while he studied for exams or final exams? Did you help him study for anything, type a paper, proofread a paper?


    Danlport

    He had put SO much effort and energy into making me fall for him and then once I started to, he ends it on the flimsy "I need to focus in school" excuse.


    Stephenoabc

    Flimsy? There's the problem. Student endeavors are so much more than flimsy.


    Danlport

    I feel... hoodwinked. I feel like he kind of tricked me


    Stephenoabc

    Yes, he is responsible for taking on more than he can handle and maintain or improve his grades.

  • blueandgold

    Posts: 396

    Jan 10, 2015 6:33 PM GMT
    I'm not speaking to your specific situation, but there were times in school, specifically law school, where betting a relationship would have been detrimental. Even undergraduate students in demanding fields like engineering have really heavy workloads.

    Again, don't know if this applies to you or not or how serious a student he is.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 10, 2015 8:04 PM GMT
    A lot of gay men want what they can't have. They'll pursue you HARD then once they've got you, they no longer want you. They're the worst imo. There should be a warning list of them up somewhere that we can all add to.icon_lol.gif
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    Jan 11, 2015 1:36 AM GMT
    Shitty excuse icon_sad.gif
  • NeuralShock

    Posts: 411

    Jan 11, 2015 1:56 AM GMT
    Honestly that is an excuse unless he really REALLY is slow. No offense to anyone, of course, but I've yet to see any program that would cause that reaction in anyone. I know people in 6 fouth year engineering courses who CLING ON to their girlfriends for emotional support (they are straight, but same principles apply).

    So to me this looks like an excuse, there is no reason for this. It seems like he wants to play around.

    I know this sucks, and I don't want to say it... but move on, for your own sake.
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    Jan 11, 2015 5:17 AM GMT
    TLDR. I will say that of the (hot, beautiful) guys I knew as undergrads who were getting regular sex as freshman and sophomores... they pretty much all flunked out.
  • NeuralShock

    Posts: 411

    Jan 11, 2015 2:53 PM GMT
    mindgarden saidTLDR. I will say that of the (hot, beautiful) guys I knew as undergrads who were getting regular sex as freshman and sophomores... they pretty much all flunked out.


    Me and my friends noticed the same thing actually, although I hate to generalize. There are a lot of guys and girls who are getting laid on the regular who are awesome academically as well!

    But I noticed 95% of the guys that were getting laid all the time "dropped out" or were on academic probation and then left.

    I hate generalizing though, but this seems to be a recurring trend. Almost makes me glad I was insecure as hell and didn't date during my first few years when I learned how to work my ass off.