Complicated FWB Situation...

  • likeag6

    Posts: 8

    Jan 10, 2015 12:18 PM GMT
    Hey everyone - never posted before, but I've recently found myself in a really complicated situation, and I could use some advice. It's long, so bear with me.

    I'm bisexual and not out. A few months ago, I posted an ad on Craigslist looking for a similar guy for a "friends with benefits" setup, and I received one semi-decent response. We emailed a bit then chatted on Skype...and I couldn't help but notice that it felt different to me from the beginning. It's hard to explain, but the obvious and expected awkwardness of the situation faded away almost immediately. I felt like he was someone I had known for years and was comfortable from the jump.

    He was way more than what I was looking for (and then some, as I would later find out), and we hit it off really well. Neither of us are out, we do not intend to be any time soon, and we were very clear about the need for discretion upfront - 100% on the same page.

    So we met the next day, hooked up, and it was, without exaggeration, the best that either of us had ever experienced. It was so incredible that we ended up meeting four times that first week, having game-changing sex each time. We actually discussed how blown away we were that each time was better than the one before it. It was intense, it was fun, it was intimate. We'd stop in the middle just to look at and hold each other...just unreal and unlike anything either of us ever thought possible with another guy.

    Before I knew it, the walls and boundaries were coming down like crazy for both of us. At first, we'd just cuddle after sex, kissing and enjoying the closeness, which in and of itself was something new for us. But soon, we started to open up to each other about everything while we laid together and held each other - careers, families, childhood, you name it.

    It turns out that I have more in common with him than I've ever had with anyone in my life, even down to the most random details. At one point, I realized we have some friends in common via Facebook "stalking" and gave him a heads up, in the interest of full disclosure. I didn't want him to find it out on his own, panic, and take off for the hills. He took a deep breath and then just shrugged it off because of the level of trust we've established. We talk every day, and we're in agreement that we got much more than anticipated when we met, and that this is so much better than any other experiences with guys in the past.

    A month or so ago, he had a minor meltdown because of how "different" it is when he's with me than it has been with other guys, and he said he felt like it could be possible to fall for me and feel more than friendship toward me, which he can't let himself do. I get it because, to be frank, this is overwhelming for me in a lot of ways, and even though I think I'm handling it somewhat better than him overall, it's still an adjustment for me. Obviously, it's different for me when we're together, too, and it freaks me out as much as it does him. We talked it out in a really open and honest conversation, and we've been in a good place since.

    This wasn't a path that either of us ever planned on going down, you know? We were looking for sex. Ideally, a fuck bud to call on when the urge struck; we weren't supposed to get emotionally involved, but we are, which complicates our lives a bit.

    So we've put sex on the backburner for now (because it actually seems to "mean something" when we're together), but we still talk daily and hang out when we can (once a week or so), both in private and in public. To further complicate things, we work for the same company, and we talk via our company IM off and on during the day. Bottom line is that I'm really glad to have him in my life. He's definitely become an unexpectedly good (and real) friend, and the last thing I want to do is put our friendship in jeopardy.

    The issue is that I am more sexually attracted to him than I was prepared to be, so I still have sexual thoughts when it comes to him. Based on comments he's made, I know he has similar thoughts, but it's clear that he's scared of acting on them because it may mess with his head more. I don't think he realizes (or wants to face) that being involved in all aspects of each other's lives is why I'm in his head to begin with, so removing sex from the equation, even temporarily, isn't going to make either of our feelings go away.

    I don't want to go back to the days of us going at it like rabbits four times a week because our friendship has clearly evolved. I like being able to hang out, get a beer or lunch, and just talk. Or sit at home and watch TV. But when I get the itch...you know...

    He's not a big "let's talk about our feelings" kinda guy, especially when it comes to this facet of his life, and given that our feelings here are not things he wants to or is ready deal with head-on, I don't exactly blame him. This is scary for both of us.

    I want to make it clear to him that sex isn't all I care about. I'm sure he knows that already, because if that were the case, I would've jumped ship once we started getting in deeper. And I don't want to pressure him to figure out if he can handle being friends with benefits because, again, our friendship has grown into a real one. But I feel like we need to talk about it so I can sort of set my expectations...I'm just not sure how I should go about it without scaring him away.

    Do you think it's worth bringing up? And if so, any advice on how to do it without setting off alarms?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 10, 2015 3:27 PM GMT
    Everyone comes to terms with their sexuality at different times and at different intervals. It took me several years before I finally admitted to myself that I am gay. Some people may never be okay allowing themselves to be, no matter how right it feels. Social conditioning is very powerful.
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    Jan 10, 2015 4:45 PM GMT
    Been there... Done that...

    I'm bi also... Historically speaking... And i met a similar bi guy and we went from friends to routine fuck buddies... And now to so much more.

    In the past year, we've both come out, moved in together, and become a couple.

    Neither of us expected it... But we let it happen... And it's been amazing.
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    Jan 10, 2015 5:23 PM GMT
    JonSpringon saidBeen there... Done that...

    I'm bi also... Historically speaking... And i met a similar bi guy and we went from friends to routine fuck buddies... And now to so much more.

    In the past year, we've both come out, moved in together, and become a couple.

    Neither of us expected it... But we let it happen... And it's been amazing.

    That was cool to read.
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    Jan 10, 2015 5:42 PM GMT
    tyrjammer said
    JonSpringon saidBeen there... Done that...

    I'm bi also... Historically speaking... And i met a similar bi guy and we went from friends to routine fuck buddies... And now to so much more.

    In the past year, we've both come out, moved in together, and become a couple.

    Neither of us expected it... But we let it happen... And it's been amazing.

    That was cool to read.


    Thanks...

    The whole story had a great deal more drama, angst and emotion expended over the past year, but that only serves to make the happy ending that much happier.

    I know things don't go this well for everyone, but i hope things work out for the OP. The world needs more happy endings.
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    Jan 10, 2015 9:41 PM GMT
    likeag6 saidHey everyone - never posted before, but I've recently found myself in a really complicated situation, and I could use some advice. It's long, so bear with me.

    I'm bisexual and not out. A few months ago, I posted an ad on Craigslist looking for a similar guy for a "friends with benefits" setup, and I received one semi-decent response. We emailed a bit then chatted on Skype...and I couldn't help but notice that it felt different to me from the beginning. It's hard to explain, but the obvious and expected awkwardness of the situation faded away almost immediately. I felt like he was someone I had known for years and was comfortable from the jump.

    He was way more than what I was looking for (and then some, as I would later find out), and we hit it off really well. Neither of us are out, we do not intend to be any time soon, and we were very clear about the need for discretion upfront - 100% on the same page.

    So we met the next day, hooked up, and it was, without exaggeration, the best that either of us had ever experienced. It was so incredible that we ended up meeting four times that first week, having game-changing sex each time. We actually discussed how blown away we were that each time was better than the one before it. It was intense, it was fun, it was intimate. We'd stop in the middle just to look at and hold each other...just unreal and unlike anything either of us ever thought possible with another guy.

    Before I knew it, the walls and boundaries were coming down like crazy for both of us. At first, we'd just cuddle after sex, kissing and enjoying the closeness, which in and of itself was something new for us. But soon, we started to open up to each other about everything while we laid together and held each other - careers, families, childhood, you name it.

    It turns out that I have more in common with him than I've ever had with anyone in my life, even down to the most random details. At one point, I realized we have some friends in common via Facebook "stalking" and gave him a heads up, in the interest of full disclosure. I didn't want him to find it out on his own, panic, and take off for the hills. He took a deep breath and then just shrugged it off because of the level of trust we've established. We talk every day, and we're in agreement that we got much more than anticipated when we met, and that this is so much better than any other experiences with guys in the past.

    A month or so ago, he had a minor meltdown because of how "different" it is when he's with me than it has been with other guys, and he said he felt like it could be possible to fall for me and feel more than friendship toward me, which he can't let himself do. I get it because, to be frank, this is overwhelming for me in a lot of ways, and even though I think I'm handling it somewhat better than him overall, it's still an adjustment for me. Obviously, it's different for me when we're together, too, and it freaks me out as much as it does him. We talked it out in a really open and honest conversation, and we've been in a good place since.

    This wasn't a path that either of us ever planned on going down, you know? We were looking for sex. Ideally, a fuck bud to call on when the urge struck; we weren't supposed to get emotionally involved, but we are, which complicates our lives a bit.

    So we've put sex on the backburner for now (because it actually seems to "mean something" when we're together), but we still talk daily and hang out when we can (once a week or so), both in private and in public. To further complicate things, we work for the same company, and we talk via our company IM off and on during the day. Bottom line is that I'm really glad to have him in my life. He's definitely become an unexpectedly good (and real) friend, and the last thing I want to do is put our friendship in jeopardy.

    The issue is that I am more sexually attracted to him than I was prepared to be, so I still have sexual thoughts when it comes to him. Based on comments he's made, I know he has similar thoughts, but it's clear that he's scared of acting on them because it may mess with his head more. I don't think he realizes (or wants to face) that being involved in all aspects of each other's lives is why I'm in his head to begin with, so removing sex from the equation, even temporarily, isn't going to make either of our feelings go away.

    I don't want to go back to the days of us going at it like rabbits four times a week because our friendship has clearly evolved. I like being able to hang out, get a beer or lunch, and just talk. Or sit at home and watch TV. But when I get the itch...you know...

    He's not a big "let's talk about our feelings" kinda guy, especially when it comes to this facet of his life, and given that our feelings here are not things he wants to or is ready deal with head-on, I don't exactly blame him. This is scary for both of us.

    I want to make it clear to him that sex isn't all I care about. I'm sure he knows that already, because if that were the case, I would've jumped ship once we started getting in deeper. And I don't want to pressure him to figure out if he can handle being friends with benefits because, again, our friendship has grown into a real one. But I feel like we need to talk about it so I can sort of set my expectations...I'm just not sure how I should go about it without scaring him away.

    Do you think it's worth bringing up? And if so, any advice on how to do it without setting off alarms?


    It all sounds really wonderful. Count your blessings. Stonewall was almost a half century ago and Pittsburgh isn't Iran. I hope the two of you will soon be able to find the courage to take your relationship to the next step and to come out.
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    Jan 10, 2015 10:06 PM GMT
    to the OP; if the sex was great with him, i know what you posted but still see no reason why you stopped.


    dont let one word "gay" or "bi" describe you. gay or straight pick carefully a situation you can work the best in.

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    Jan 10, 2015 10:28 PM GMT
    If I understand correctly, your dilemma is how to bring up the subject of having sex again without causing him to stop being your friend altogether because of his fear of coming out.

    Since he already had a "minor melt down" over his growing feelings triggered by your sexual connection, why would you think the result would be any different now?

    It seems to me you have to decide which is the better outcome for you: having a friendship with the vague possibility of sex, or saying your piece about wanting sex and possibly losing both the friendship and the potential for sex.

    I suppose you might try to reassure him that sex would be completely NSA with no expectations whatsoever, but it seems to me you are already well past that point and I doubt you can go back to it.

    Were I in your shoes, I would probably just stick with the friendship and forget about the sex because it sounds like the sex will lead you right back to where you've been, but with a lot more emotional pain. Intense sexual flings that burn out fairly quickly are very common and it's usually best to remember them fondly and not try to rekindle them.
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    Jan 10, 2015 10:45 PM GMT
    You sound very troubled by the discrepancy between original intent/theory and the outcome and reality.

    You two sound happy together, and navigating your sexuality isn't easy. Ultimately how you define it will be up to you, but it sounds like you both need to read up on being comfortable with your sexuality.

    Maybe you should start out this conversation by saying what is obvious for both of you: this is scary uncharted territory, and due diligence in light of your feelings and the development of your friendship means you need to have honesty and communication about expectations.

    You two have a lot of common ground, use it to the advantage of this very necessary conversation about your feelings.

  • likeag6

    Posts: 8

    Jan 10, 2015 10:54 PM GMT
    Thanks for the advice, everyone. This is a really foreign situation for me, so I don't know what to do.

    pellaz saidto the OP; if the sex was great with him, i know what you posted but still see no reason why you stopped.

    In short, because he started panicking about it. He was enjoying it too much, and it was fucking with his head. Do I think it worked? No. The "damage" is done, but if I told him that, I'd run the risk of freaking him out even more. Actually, I think the talking, becoming friends, and getting invested part was more dangerous than the sex.

    makavelli saidYou sound very troubled by the discrepancy between original intent/theory and the outcome and reality.

    Maybe you should start out this conversation by saying what is obvious for both of you: this is scary uncharted territory, and due diligence in light of your feelings and the development of your friendship means you need to have honesty and communication about expectations.

    You two have a lot of common ground, use it to the advantage of this very necessary conversation about your feelings.

    If I had a dime for every time one of us said, "This is new," I'd be rich.

    I guess my fear stems from him very clearly telling me he doesn't like to talk about his feelings. I don't want him to think I'm emotionally needy (and usually, I'm not, but this is so fucking outside my normal that I can't help it), or, even worse, batshit crazy. I mean, I know he knows I'm not actually crazy, but you get my drift.
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    Jan 10, 2015 11:12 PM GMT
    My ex was closet bi, and during I had to be pretty DL about being openly gay. Introduced as friend and all that.

    Anyway, relationship fizzled for a few reasons, but at the end of it he did come out. For someone who goes skydiving, and parasailing and very outdoorsy, daring type, coming out was the scariest thing for him to think about and for over a year he just avoided it.

    You know what the reaction was of his friends and coworkers?

    "So fucking what."

    The fear is the worst, and it gets played up to no end. It did for me before I came out, it was for my ex and everybody else.

    So the question is, can you two continue seeing each other without wanting to be a couple, and without coming out?

    My guess is absolutely not. So here's my last question: do you two make each other happy enough to face the fear together or alone of coming out?
  • likeag6

    Posts: 8

    Jan 10, 2015 11:22 PM GMT
    makavelli saidSo the question is, can you two continue seeing each other without wanting to be a couple, and without coming out?

    My guess is absolutely not. So here's my last question: do you two make each other happy enough to face the fear together or alone of coming out?

    It's interesting that you bring that up. It's something that's crossed my mind.

    There was a stretch where he suddenly started taking five or six hours to respond to a text. We talked about it during his "meltdown," and he told me that he always did and always would respond - he just didn't want to deal with all of it. He was trying to put in distance but just couldn't. That behavior stopped after that night.

    That said, I don't know the answer to your questions - and that uncertainty scares me.
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    Jan 10, 2015 11:28 PM GMT
    If your objective is to get to a point you can broach the subject, continue being friends, and feel out if he would drop you from his life if you brought it up.

    Tell him about your thoughts on coming out, talk about your fear, and see how much he opens up. It doesn't have to be both of you coming out together, but that you'd feel like a great weight has been lifted off your chest and you can be you now.

    It's 2015, change can be positive.
  • likeag6

    Posts: 8

    Jan 10, 2015 11:37 PM GMT
    makavelli saidIf your objective is to get to a point you can broach the subject, continue being friends, and feel out if he would drop you from his life if you brought it up.

    Tell him about your thoughts on coming out, talk about your fear, and see how much he opens up. It doesn't have to be both of you coming out together, but that you'd feel like a great weight has been lifted off your chest and you can be you now.

    It's 2015, change can be positive.

    Let's not get ahead of ourselves here. I'm not even sure of my thoughts on coming out.

    I think I'm gonna see how it goes, business as usual, and wait for a decent opening to talk about our collective mental state. Kind of a check-in to ensure that he's still feeling okay about where we're at. That's probably the best way to get him in a place to talk about feelings.
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    Jan 10, 2015 11:46 PM GMT
    likeag6 said
    makavelli saidIf your objective is to get to a point you can broach the subject, continue being friends, and feel out if he would drop you from his life if you brought it up.

    Tell him about your thoughts on coming out, talk about your fear, and see how much he opens up. It doesn't have to be both of you coming out together, but that you'd feel like a great weight has been lifted off your chest and you can be you now.

    It's 2015, change can be positive.

    Let's not get ahead of ourselves here. I'm not even sure of my thoughts on coming out.

    I think I'm gonna see how it goes, business as usual, and wait for a decent opening to talk about our collective mental state. Kind of a check-in to ensure that he's still feeling okay about where we're at. That's probably the best way to get him in a place to talk about feelings.


    That I agree with.

    I hope what you got here on RJ has been helpful.
  • rnch

    Posts: 11525

    Jan 11, 2015 12:12 AM GMT
    For many of us here a "FWB" seems like a good idea but works out less than satisfactory in the "Real World".

    Unless you are a cold hearted, self absorbed "horn dog" you will eventually develop feelings for a man you have gotten to know and have shared some of the most intimate experiences two people can do together. One of you two will want more than a "FWB" or "Fuck Buddy" relationship.



    icon_idea.gif
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    Jan 12, 2015 12:20 AM GMT
    The road to self discovery is fraught with perils to ones self image. Good luck.

    I too could be technically be considered bi, but honestly eventually you settle on one side or the other of the fence. You're just scared of admitting what you already know.
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    Jan 12, 2015 3:27 AM GMT
    Sounds to me like you've found yourself a soul mate. They aren't always wrapped in the package you were expecting...or hoping for ;-).

    Here's my advice...ask yourself this question: if the two of you were transported to another world where you didn't know anyone and you didn't have to deal with the complications of coming out to friends and family, would you want to be with this person? I mean really be with this person?

    If so, I think you owe it to yourself to ask him the same question. If both of your answers are 'yes' then you have a choice to make. Either hide your true feelings to spare yourselves and your friends/families the experience of coming out or muster up the strength and courage to be honest and take comfort in the fact that you've found your person. Not everyone does and it's an opportunity you shouldn't take lightly in my opinion.

    At the end of the day, would you rather placate others (whose reactions to coming out you can't possibly accurately predict) or open yourself up to the possibility of what sounds like an amazing relationship?

    Good luck to you both!

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    Jan 13, 2015 12:06 AM GMT
    JonSpringon said
    tyrjammer said
    JonSpringon saidBeen there... Done that...

    I'm bi also... Historically speaking... And i met a similar bi guy and we went from friends to routine fuck buddies... And now to so much more.

    In the past year, we've both come out, moved in together, and become a couple.

    Neither of us expected it... But we let it happen... And it's been amazing.

    That was cool to read.


    Thanks...

    The whole story had a great deal more drama, angst and emotion expended over the past year, but that only serves to make the happy ending that much happier.

    I know things don't go this well for everyone, but i hope things work out for the OP. The world needs more happy endings.


    You want happy ending that cost you twenty dollah moah!
  • aaron123dodo

    Posts: 28

    Jan 13, 2015 1:16 AM GMT

    Some people work best when shielded away from things. They'll stop thinking about it once they stop seeing it, their brains won't go making associations and imagine what's not currently happening. These are the steady and practical people.

    Some other people work best when they set themselves loose. They'll dive into a particular topic and be immersed 100% in it for days and weeks and years. Eventually they'd had their fill, and they are able to pull out and make rational decisions. These are the curious and cautious bunch.

    You'll have to determine what works best for you, restraint isn't always an effective pill, it can end you up on the opposite side of the road. Especially when it comes to sexuality, and especially if curiosity is involved in any way.

    I don't know which to suggest: grow your longing even more such that you'd finally say "screw it" and get what you want, or control your longings such that eventually you'd be able to move on. No guarantee either way. But I do hope that both of you can be happy, no matter what ending entices.
  • Sodajoy

    Posts: 19

    Jan 14, 2015 2:59 AM GMT
    i cannt believe i just read it all.
  • likeag6

    Posts: 8

    Dec 15, 2015 4:50 PM GMT
    So it's about a year later and things have changed once or twice...

    What has stayed the same:

    We are both not out, and we are very respectful of that for one another.

    What has changed:

    We remained close friends through the spring, but I could tell something was off. He was becoming distant, less responsive, and one day, early in the summer, he just stopped talking to me. No replies to texts. He didn't completely disappear since we were still Facebook friends, but communication was essentially gone. I knew he had been seeing a girl, but he and I hadn't been sexually involved for months at that point, so I figured we were just onto the "friend" phase, which I was cool with.

    Last week, out of the blue, he texted me. He apologized for how he had acted earlier in the year, citing inner anguish over his double life. I'm not one to judge someone for that since I understand it, so I told him that it was what it was.

    We talked on the phone for an hour that night, and based on our conversation, there is definitely a lot going on in his head. I mentioned in my original post that he's conflicted, and that hasn't changed. I think it's gotten worse since he realizes that he can't just ignore this side of him like he always had in the past. He acknowledged that he can't continue like he is, and he can't continue to lie to girls. Our conversation went well, so I took a chance and asked him if he had been with another guy since we stopped.

    "Nope."

    I acknowledged that I had been, but they were awful experiences. That when it was with him, it was different - to which he responded, "Yeah. It was."

    He said that he never forgot about me, he just has a mess of shit in his head, and though he is not yet ready to hang out (nor am I - I'm not a trusting person to begin with, so this experience didn't help things), we are talking and easing into having a relationship with each other again.

    What do you guys think? Is this a friendship/relationship worth pursuing? Should I take anything away from hearing from him out of the blue like that?
  • Apparition

    Posts: 3534

    Dec 17, 2015 6:24 AM GMT
    I think as always, it is just best to come out, or in your case, just stop worrying about who knows. It is not like it matters if people find out you have sex, and with whom.

    Second, during that time that things were slow, a text saying "im really horny, come jump on my cock with your tight hole for an hour" always seem appropriate for a FWB
  • likeag6

    Posts: 8

    Jun 21, 2016 6:41 PM GMT
    Well, the saga continues.

    We've talked about once a month since Christmas, and we've hung out once. It's the weirdest thing...when we talked every day, we talked about everything and nothing at the same time. I feel like we've talked about more "real" things in the past six months than we did in the eight months where we talked daily.

    It seems like he is more comfortable with, or at least more resigned to, the fact that our lives are not going to be the way we always envisioned. We keep talking about wanting to be happy and not wanting to be alone.

    He is still against coming out for now, as am I, and he has suggested finding someone who is in the same position as him. At times, I feel like he wants to (or wants me to) broach the subject of "us," and how that may be the answer to our issue, but I think we both wuss out.

    The last time we talked, I asked him if he ever thought about the way it felt when we were together or if it was just me, and he paused. "Why do you think I disappeared in the first place?" So it seems like he's been just as unable to shake it as I have.

    Should I just be done with it and address it straight-out with him? I feel like that's my best option, but then I run the risk of alienating him or scaring him off, which I'd like to avoid if possible.
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    Jun 21, 2016 7:49 PM GMT
    There are no guarantees in life...

    You both are in turmoil because you two want to be together, are not out, and presumably, always pictured yourselves settling down with the wife, kids, house with the white picket fence, etc...

    The heart wants what it wants.

    I never, ever thought I'd fall in love with a man. Yet, here I am, living with one for over a year and engaged.

    My advice to both of you, don't let your 'dreams' get in the way of the opportunity you two have to build a long lasting romantic relationship.

    I'd say you both ought to go to counseling for this, separately and as a couple.