Rape, having incredible issues dealing with it. Worse yet no one wants me.

  • NeuralShock

    Posts: 411

    Jan 12, 2015 1:57 AM GMT
    I made a similar post before about this subject but things only seem to continually get worse.

    I was raped on December 4th, 2014 by a guy who I knew for a while when I finally decided to go over to his house. He ended up crushing me down easily because he was 6'3 and significantly stronger- I had bruises all over my neck after I went home from him strangling me. I tried to use coverup to hide them when I went to university but it didn't work.

    I was fine after it happened, I had final exams that I had to write and I succeeded and got a 3.78GPA for the semester. I was able to bury myself in my work so I ignored it...

    This Christmas break feelings started to surface and it wasn't until yesterday that I kept having flashbacks to the event- I kept reliving it even when I was just sitting there.

    The worst part is that I have tried to get into a relationship with someone to try and shake the feelings, to shake the loneliness. I just want someone to hold me and cuddle me and tell me everything will be okay, it doesn't feel like it will be okay.

    My rapist ended up messaging me saying how he raped me and threw me away like a can of food he open, ate, and shit out and threw away. He said I am worthless and no one would ever want me.

    And you know what? Those words especially are wearing heavily on my mind as I consistently get rejected by guys. It feels like I am unlovable and I hate it.

    Do I love myself? Yes I see so much in myself I love. I am a fighter, I am compassionate and caring and a hopeless romantic, I am creative and smart and fight like a dog to get what I want and I am loyal and loving and I can see all these things in myself. I really can and do see them.

    But it seems like none of it matters, it seems like I have become the single most undesirable human being on the planet for some reason. If I meet up with a guy who literally says he loves me and I am amazing and everything I later get told how he doesn't think he's ready for a relationship.

    I actually feel as if I would be happier if a truck drove over me, kind of like putting a dog down. God damn, I am not into the self harm thing and would NEVER do it. But that doesn't change the fact that this pain is unreal... it is more than I could ever have imagined.

    I love myself and see so much good, but I feel worthless.
    I am capable of so much love, and got raped.
    I am so smart and yet so incapable to change my fate.

    I just... I am a mixed bag of emotions of frustration and hatred coupled with severe sadness and enough loneliness it'd blot out the sun.

  • juankgdney

    Posts: 56

    Jan 12, 2015 2:17 AM GMT
    Fuck that bastard!!! Dont you even care about what he said he deserves to be in jail and be raped
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    Jan 12, 2015 2:20 AM GMT
    NeuralShock saidMy rapist ended up messaging me saying how he raped me and threw me away like a can of food he open, ate, and shit out and threw away. He said I am worthless and no one would ever want me.


    I'm confused. Why would your rapist send you a text message admitting he raped you? That's proof of his crime.
  • NeuralShock

    Posts: 411

    Jan 12, 2015 2:21 AM GMT
    Radd said
    NeuralShock saidMy rapist ended up messaging me saying how he raped me and threw me away like a can of food he open, ate, and shit out and threw away. He said I am worthless and no one would ever want me.


    I'm confused. Why would your rapist send you a text message admitting he raped you? That's proof of his crime.

    He said it verbally in his house :/

    I do however have alterantive text evidence of him admitting to it.
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    Jan 12, 2015 2:21 AM GMT
    Yeah go to the police and send his ass to jail, first things first.
  • NeuralShock

    Posts: 411

    Jan 12, 2015 2:24 AM GMT
    David3K saidYeah go to the police and send his ass to jail, first things first.


    The issue is I don't want revenge in any capacity, I just want to move on.

    I still see him come online, even today, and whenever I see his picture (that doesn't even look like him cause he makes silly faces) I jolt up in fear.

    I don't know what to do. I just want to forget it all, it makes me feel like a whore and like garbage. I thought he'd be "the one" which I know is a miserable and awful term but I still cannot believe this happened. I was so careful too.
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    Jan 12, 2015 2:26 AM GMT
    If you have evidence call the cops! If you don't do it for yourself do it to protect others!! Men like that don't stop until forced to.
    After calling the cops see a therapist.
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    Jan 12, 2015 2:29 AM GMT
    NeuralShock said
    David3K saidYeah go to the police and send his ass to jail, first things first.


    The issue is I don't want revenge in any capacity, I just want to move on.

    I still see him come online, even today, and whenever I see his picture (that doesn't even look like him cause he makes silly faces) I jolt up in fear.

    I don't know what to do. I just want to forget it all, it makes me feel like a whore and like garbage. I thought he'd be "the one" which I know is a miserable and awful term but I still cannot believe this happened. I was so careful too.


    Well that's exactly why he said those things to you. You're falling right into his evil plan. Why would you accept words of your rapist as fact? Makes no sense. Have this asshole arrested before he does it to someone else.
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    Jan 12, 2015 2:30 AM GMT
    NeuralShock said
    David3K saidYeah go to the police and send his ass to jail, first things first.


    The issue is I don't want revenge in any capacity, I just want to move on.

    I still see him come online, even today, and whenever I see his picture (that doesn't even look like him cause he makes silly faces) I jolt up in fear.

    I don't know what to do. I just want to forget it all, it makes me feel like a whore and like garbage. I thought he'd be "the one" which I know is a miserable and awful term but I still cannot believe this happened. I was so careful too.


    If you don't go the guy WILL rape again, it's your duty to send him to the police to prevent this happening to more people.

    Also, you won't be able to move on just by ignoring what happened and I think you know that by now.
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    Jan 12, 2015 2:32 AM GMT
    NeuralShock said
    David3K saidYeah go to the police and send his ass to jail, first things first.

    The issue is I don't want revenge in any capacity, I just want to move on.

    I still see him come online, even today, and whenever I see his picture (that doesn't even look like him cause he makes silly faces) I jolt up in fear.

    I don't know what to do. I just want to forget it all, it makes me feel like a whore and like garbage. I thought he'd be "the one" which I know is a miserable and awful term but I still cannot believe this happened. I was so careful too.

    Having the guy prosecuted IS moving on. Plus otherwise he will do it again to others. If you have that kind of proof in email go to the police.

    A problem with rape victims, male or female, is that THEY are the ones who feel guilty, and dirty. Whereas it's their rapers who are the guilty criminals. You are the innocent victim.

    Reporting this guy is how you'll move on. It's obviously still haunting you, no surprise. And will prevent him from doing this again.
  • NeuralShock

    Posts: 411

    Jan 12, 2015 2:33 AM GMT
    David3K said
    NeuralShock said
    David3K saidYeah go to the police and send his ass to jail, first things first.


    The issue is I don't want revenge in any capacity, I just want to move on.

    I still see him come online, even today, and whenever I see his picture (that doesn't even look like him cause he makes silly faces) I jolt up in fear.

    I don't know what to do. I just want to forget it all, it makes me feel like a whore and like garbage. I thought he'd be "the one" which I know is a miserable and awful term but I still cannot believe this happened. I was so careful too.


    If you don't go the guy WILL rape again, it's your duty to send him to the police to prevent this happening to more people.

    Also, you won't be able to move on just by ignoring what happened and I think you know that by now.


    I just want to somehow move on, I really do.

    I wanna just ignore he exists and everything about him and honestly part of me doesn't even care if he does it to more people as long as I can somehow forget everything. That's so fucked up to say... but deep deep down that is how I feel.

    I just want to move on, or be held and cuddled and just somehow block out the pain.

    It's so fucked up, all of it.
  • NeuralShock

    Posts: 411

    Jan 12, 2015 2:35 AM GMT
    Art_Deco said
    NeuralShock said
    David3K saidYeah go to the police and send his ass to jail, first things first.

    The issue is I don't want revenge in any capacity, I just want to move on.

    I still see him come online, even today, and whenever I see his picture (that doesn't even look like him cause he makes silly faces) I jolt up in fear.

    I don't know what to do. I just want to forget it all, it makes me feel like a whore and like garbage. I thought he'd be "the one" which I know is a miserable and awful term but I still cannot believe this happened. I was so careful too.

    Having the guy prosecuted IS moving on. Plus otherwise he will do it again to others. If you have that kind of proof in email go to the police.

    A problem with rape victims, male or female, is that THEY are the ones who feel guilty, and dirty. Whereas it's their rapers who are the guilty criminals. You are the innocent victim.

    Reporting this guy is how you'll move on. It's obviously still haunting you, no surprise. And prevent him from doing this again.

    Even if I did report it there is likely not enough evidence, I don't have pictures of the brusing, recordings of what happened in his house, no physical damage left anymore.

    All I have are a few stray facebook posts and texts, that is all.
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    Jan 12, 2015 2:36 AM GMT
    NeuralShock said
    David3K said
    NeuralShock said
    David3K saidYeah go to the police and send his ass to jail, first things first.


    The issue is I don't want revenge in any capacity, I just want to move on.

    I still see him come online, even today, and whenever I see his picture (that doesn't even look like him cause he makes silly faces) I jolt up in fear.

    I don't know what to do. I just want to forget it all, it makes me feel like a whore and like garbage. I thought he'd be "the one" which I know is a miserable and awful term but I still cannot believe this happened. I was so careful too.


    If you don't go the guy WILL rape again, it's your duty to send him to the police to prevent this happening to more people.

    Also, you won't be able to move on just by ignoring what happened and I think you know that by now.


    I just want to somehow move on, I really do.

    I wanna just ignore he exists and everything about him and honestly part of me doesn't even care if he does it to more people as long as I can somehow forget everything. That's so fucked up to say... but deep deep down that is how I feel.

    I just want to move on, or be held and cuddled and just somehow block out the pain.

    It's so fucked up, all of it.


    You're being dumb (and selfish.) If the last person this asshole raped had reported him, you would have been saved from getting raped. Do the right thing and call the police. Many rapes have been prosecuted long after the bruises disappeared.
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    Jan 12, 2015 2:37 AM GMT
    pazzy saidhonestly, wish i could help you but i honestly think that your situation is something that you need to talk to a professional with ASAP. they will be much more of a help to you than these web forums.

    Agree. The professional may also advise contacting the police, as I have, since this is so recent, and there appears to be tangible evidence. But the OP may still need professional counseling either way. He appears to have been traumatized by this, and online can only do so much, as you suggest.
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    Jan 12, 2015 2:41 AM GMT
    pazzy said
    Art_Deco said
    pazzy saidhonestly, wish i could help you but i honestly think that your situation is something that you need to talk to a professional with ASAP. they will be much more of a help to you than these web forums.

    Agree. The professional may also advise contacting the police, since this is so recent, and there appears to be tangible evidence. But the OP may still need professional counseling either way. He appears to have been traumatized by this, and online can only do so much, as you suggest.



    for real... revealing things like this on the message board might lead him open to criticism or insensitive responses such as the one given by mr. scruffypup.


    Fuck off queen. I've given this guy tons of support in his other thread about this. What's insensitive is allowing a rapist to rape others. I've done nothing but encourage him to get therapy but he needs to report this to the police too.
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    Jan 12, 2015 2:58 AM GMT
    The longer you take to report it, the less credibility you will have. Take a stand. He admitted it in writing! Good luck.
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    Jan 12, 2015 3:29 AM GMT
    So, you're OK with him carrying on and likely doing this to someone else?....?

    Are you a cop or a lawyer that can say there isn't enough evidence? What if the guy is already on police radar? You might have info of great interest to them.
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    Jan 12, 2015 4:00 AM GMT
    NeuralShock saidEveryone seems so fixated upon me reporting him and are disregarding the rest of my post and my suffering.

    Honestly? This only adds to how worthless I am and how I am a tool to make sure everyone else is okay. Everyone else who, I must add, doesn't give a fuck about me either.

    So I now have to relive the event in EXCRUCIATING detail, go through victim blame and "he said she said" legal hoops just so I can end up being labeled a whore?

    I don't want to think about how he choked me down so hard I couldn't breathe, how all 240 pounds of muscle of him anchored at the right spots of my joints made me pitifully inept to do anything.

    This is just funny, literally NO ONE cares about me. This is just... I knew it but these responses only showcase it more.


    I'm literally human garbage, just like my rapist said. Lol what the fuck.


    Everyone here has encouraged you to seek therapy. Both here and your original thread about this topic. But you apparently think that hiding under the covers is going to make you feel better. It's not. Part of your therapy will most likely be standing up for yourself. And reporting this monster to the police should be the cornerstone of that. Knowing you're preventing someone else from your same fate should also make you feel empowered.
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    Jan 12, 2015 4:01 AM GMT
    NeuralShock saidEveryone seems so fixated upon me reporting him and are disregarding the rest of my post and my suffering...

    I'm literally human garbage, just like my rapist said. Lol what the fuck.

    OK, this is devolving into comical trolling. You've gotten excellent advice here, so take it. Now shit or get off the pot.
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    Jan 12, 2015 11:55 AM GMT
    Rape is not about sex; it’s about violence, control and dominance. This asshole is nothing but a sexual predator and must be taken off the streets. I’m sure this scumbag has raped in the past and will do it again (if he hasn’t already) and the violence will only escalate and he could probably kill his next victim.
    Take back your life and self worth by going to the police and find a local rape crisis center for help.
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    Jan 12, 2015 2:35 PM GMT
    First I'm so sorry that happened to you. Rape is one of the worst experiences one can face. It mixes sex with fear and power. It's awfullly confusing. Tragically it happens far too often. The effects on victims is multifold. Shame, guilt, self-doubt, endless questioning. I wish I could but nobody can tell you what to do. My first impulse is to castrate the sonofbitch but that's my anger. One thing I can assure of is that you cannot ignore it away. Tell somebody. Yes that means admitting to yourself and another person that it happened. You didn't get punched in the face. You got punched in your soul. It takes time to heal such a bruise. A long time. So give yourself time to heal. The bruise will heal though the scar may remain. Above all know it was not your fault. You did nothing to deserve it. Good luck.
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    Jan 12, 2015 2:47 PM GMT
    Art_Deco said
    NeuralShock saidEveryone seems so fixated upon me reporting him and are disregarding the rest of my post and my suffering...

    I'm literally human garbage, just like my rapist said. Lol what the fuck.

    OK, this is devolving into comical trolling. You've gotten excellent advice here, so take it. Now shit or get off the pot.


    ∆ Pretty much this. This is the second thread about this and still the OP refuses to take even the smallest baby step to help himself. No one is going to ride up to your front door on a white horse and save you. You must save yourself by reaching out to those who can help you.
  • Noeton

    Posts: 208

    Jan 12, 2015 3:54 PM GMT
    I don't know what the proper course of legal action is, so I won't comment on that. Maybe see a social worker? Anyway, it's good that you kept your GPA up -- that shows you can keep your head up -- so keep that attitude up whatever else you do with this situation.
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    Jan 12, 2015 4:08 PM GMT
    I do sympathize with you, but simultaneously I do find it a bit selfish that you won't go to the authorities with the evidence and have prosecuted because you want to move on. There's nothing wrong with wanting to move on, but you need to go to the authorities - you have everything you need to put him behind bars so that he can't harm anyone else. Don't let him cower you into fear anymore. Make him pay.
  • bobbobbob

    Posts: 2812

    Jan 12, 2015 4:11 PM GMT
    I have a son with 21 years in law enforcement and the last 13 as a detective who deals with rape on a regular basis. He's defintely not a homophobe and handles gay rapes and domestic violence investigations as professionally as all others. On many occasions he's come to me for insight about why gay men are so ass-backwards about pressing charges on their rapists. The time to have done it was as soon as you were able to get away from your attacker.... and not drag your dilemma to an internet forum weeks after the fact.

    I would honestly like to know what reasoning you've used not to have contacted the police before now. I want to understand this so I may possibly help other victims and the police as well.

    Please PM me. I give you my solemn promise I will keep everything you tell in complete confidence.

    Thanks.