How to move on and start trusting people again

  • e2ksj3355

    Posts: 110

    Jan 14, 2015 6:17 AM GMT
    Wanted to get everyone's opinion here. I recently got out of a two year relationship with my partner. We ended on good terms.. he left the area and moved back to his home country. I've been having mixed emotions about the whole thing. I still love him as a person and good friend, but at the same time somewhat resentful in a way that he didn't try and make things work. He recently got a new BF, so he has moved on and we don't talk as much.

    I've tried dating, but haven't had much success. I've had some pretty horrible dates and in the back of my mind, I feel like it is pointless as the same thing that happened with my ex will happen if I get a new partner. Has anyone else felt this way? How do you deal with it? I've also been having problems making and keeping friends, especially gays one for some reason. I don't know if it is the area I am in (DC area) or what. My partner was my best friend and we did everything together, so when he left it really left a hole in my heart. icon_sad.gif
  • AMoonHawk

    Posts: 11406

    Jan 14, 2015 6:24 AM GMT
    You know what the say, 'If you get thrown off the horse, the sooner you get back on the better.'

    What happened was you created a different life from when you were single and you were happy in it with your partner, but now that life is over. Dead, kapoot, ended. You are in mourning. It may take a while, look up the cycle of mourning. Try not looking at everyone as a possible partner and just concentrate on making friends. You can't make gay friends in a straight world, so you are going to have to force yourself to hang out in the gay community, what ever that might be in your area. And you can't just do it every now and then, you are going to have to emerse yourself in the gay community.
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    Jan 14, 2015 6:44 PM GMT
    e2ksj3355 saidWanted to get everyone's opinion here. I recently got out of a two year relationship with my partner. We ended on good terms.. he left the area and moved back to his home country. I've been having mixed emotions about the whole thing. I still love him as a person and good friend, but at the same time somewhat resentful in a way that he didn't try and make things work. He recently got a new BF, so he has moved on and we don't talk as much.

    I've tried dating, but haven't had much success. I've had some pretty horrible dates and in the back of my mind, I feel like it is pointless as the same thing that happened with my ex will happen if I get a new partner. Has anyone else felt this way? How do you deal with it? I've also been having problems making and keeping friends, especially gays one for some reason. I don't know if it is the area I am in (DC area) or what. My partner was my best friend and we did everything together, so when he left it really left a hole in my heart. icon_sad.gif


    This is normal and you just have to live through it. It might help not to try so hard to find a replacement ... just take things as they come.
  • Destinharbor

    Posts: 4435

    Jan 14, 2015 6:54 PM GMT
    Both of these guys^^^ offer good advice. This may sound frivolous, but one good way to get your brain to change the channel is to just have some good sex with a good guy. He may not be your forever guy, but it will help you remember that the world (and I think especially DC) has a lot of really good guys that you will enjoy meeting and knowing.
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    Jan 15, 2015 1:11 AM GMT
    e2ksj3355 said...
    I've also been having problems making and keeping friends, especially gays one for some reason.
    ...


    Making GOOD gay friends is nearly impossible, so just have some good NSA sex until someone else comes along that sticks. Alas, it's just the fact of gay life. Wrap it in a condom and enjoy the sex.
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    Jan 15, 2015 2:47 AM GMT
    Mosts of the responses have been spot on. You have to realize that you didn't just break up with someone, you lost a part yourself that was stronger than just being alone. Its powerful because its a beautiful thing when it happens and while it lasts. When it's over, you go through some pretty serious shock, literally. Your brain and heart change, your social patterns, even how you sleep and wake up. Its a big, effing deal.

    You have to slowly learn how to be single again. Mourn the loss. Miss it. Remember some of it, forget a lot of it. But, day by day, fill your life with new people, new friends (gay and straight) and new interests. Don't judge people against your ex or against what's missing in your life. Just learn about them and do things with many people and then you get into a new rhythm again. It takes time. Keep your head up.
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    Jan 15, 2015 3:02 AM GMT
    e2ksj3355 said... he left the area and moved back to his home country.../>

    immigration laws are harsh, if this was the main reason he left?
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    Jan 15, 2015 5:25 AM GMT
    When a relationship ends it can be like losing a limb.It can take years to get back in the saddle.For everyone it is different.Take it slow.Maybe volunteer for some gay charities or go to some gay social events and try to make some new nice friends.
  • LutheranGuy

    Posts: 30

    Jan 16, 2015 12:00 AM GMT
    e2ksj3355 said My partner was my best friend and we did everything together, so when he left it really left a hole in my heart. icon_sad.gif


    Never be relied on anyone or anything that you cannot do without. The greatest vulnerability to all relationships is the possibility of betrayal.
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    Jan 16, 2015 1:55 AM GMT
    LutheranGuy said
    e2ksj3355 said My partner was my best friend and we did everything together, so when he left it really left a hole in my heart. icon_sad.gif


    Never be relied on anyone or anything that you cannot do without. The greatest vulnerability to all relationships is the possibility of betrayal.


    Are you saying he should've held back some? Or are you thinking that he should've had other social options? If the latter, I totally agree. I think many couples, no matter the orientation, close themselves off from others sometimes. Or they forget to check in with their friends to keep those relationships growing.
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    Jan 16, 2015 4:23 PM GMT
    UndercoverMan said
    e2ksj3355 said...
    I've also been having problems making and keeping friends, especially gays one for some reason.
    ...


    Making GOOD gay friends is nearly impossible, so just have some good NSA sex until someone else comes along that sticks. Alas, it's just the fact of gay life. Wrap it in a condom and enjoy the sex.

    I came out Two years ago and have made a lot of GOOD gay friends. What crowd you choose to hang with is important. don't compromise.
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    Jan 17, 2015 8:22 AM GMT
    I had kinda the same problem as you OP. My ex and I were together for about 3 years. We split, broke up and I moved away. He lives in SF still, had a new bf I believe. I'm happy for him though, not jealous. But yeah, I've been trying to make new gay friends but it seems like most just want to f*** around. And I've been on a lot of bad/weird dates. Urg, I'm just going to stop looking and just date and keep at it. Though I still have a special place for my ex in my heart, but I'm over him, I still believe that there's an awesome special guy out there waiting for me. So I'm not jaded or cold-blooded or anything.

    (My ex and I don't talk much but I noticed that he likes my photos and status update on FB now and then! Lol )) weird!icon_lol.gif
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    Jan 17, 2015 3:21 PM GMT
    The moving on part is sometimes easy. Trusting someone? Sure, as long as you're willing to do what it takes to EARN it. Before it's said & done, I would rather practice witchcraft than put my trust in another man, I've learned my lesson & too many times is enough(:
  • e2ksj3355

    Posts: 110

    Jan 19, 2015 6:51 AM GMT
    Thank you guys for the advice and words of encouragement. I thought it was just me, but it seems like everyone has similar stories.

    I think it would be easier if I had more friends, even straight ones but also don't have too many of them these days either. I noticed that when I go visit my family I seem to feel a lot better, than sitting here alone at home.

  • e2ksj3355

    Posts: 110

    Jan 19, 2015 6:53 AM GMT
    pellaz said
    e2ksj3355 said... he left the area and moved back to his home country.../>

    immigration laws are harsh, if this was the main reason he left?


    I think that was part of it, but generally he hated living here and he said, although he loved me deeply, it wasn't enough to keep him here. icon_sad.gif