When A Gay Friend Is Suicidal Or Lost In Life.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 15, 2015 3:07 AM GMT
    Usually i wouldn't make a post like this. Cause i feel as if i would know the answer. But I'm currently clueless on what to do.

    I have a buddy of mine from UCLA who is suicidal. Or he says ''was suicidal'' and claims he's not anymore. He recently was falsely accused of cheating at school. And he had to withdraw from his entire second year. So he lounged around in a depressed state for two months. And then his mom found out that he was gay. And basically told him fuck off and don't come back home. He attempted suicide twice in the past couple months. Then completely disappeared from social media and his number was disconnected.

    He popped up today out of nowhere. Back on social media and with a new number. He says he's not suicidal anymore. And also doesn't want anyone talk with him about it. I've tried talking to him but it goes nowhere. We once had a very strong bond at one point. Because we were both gay and had Asian families as well. But his are not accepting of gay people at all.

    All in all i don't know what to do. Talking to the person is not helping at all. And i have no idea if he will completely disappear again... cause he's done it twice. And then i have to worry if he's hurt himself or living on the streets.
  • AMoonHawk

    Posts: 11406

    Jan 15, 2015 5:08 AM GMT
    You can just really be there as a friend. If he doesn't want to talk about it, then you have to respect that. Maybe someday he'll open up to you, but in the mean time, try seeing if he will go out with you for breakfast, lunch, dinner, movie or whatever to work on making the friendship a little closer.
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    Jan 15, 2015 5:17 AM GMT
    Let him know you missed him and care about him. See if he will hang out and give him the chance to open up to you after he relaxes and is able to see your concern comes from caring, not some judgement of him. Try to determine if he is able to project into the future, talk about plans and goals, things he hopes to do later this week, month or year. If he is, then that would be a clue (but not a sure sign) that he may no longer be in a suicidal state. Alcohol and drug abuse and ownership of firearms are high risk factors for suicide. Determine if either of these are concerns. If you've been able to re-engage with him and he seems comfortable talking to you, emphasize you care but that you feel a professional might be best at helping him work through this. Also let him know that when he disappears it upsets you and others that care about him. Look up local crisis resources he can call if upset, let him know he can call you and try to help him come up a list of go-to people that he can contact when he is feeling lost. It wouldn't hurt to remind him of his strengths and past successes and suggest how he can use these things to deal with his current issue and to succeed in the future.
  • davfit

    Posts: 309

    Jan 15, 2015 12:30 PM GMT
    just went through that ..and it didn't end wellicon_sad.gif I tried very hard and it didn't work and I tried everything!! Still trying to figure out what I could have done different, but he did what he wanted..... and he had that choice.,,,,So the only thing I could say to you ,is be a friend and avoid any topic of his behavior and act like friends ..be in the moment.
  • metta

    Posts: 39134

    Jan 15, 2015 5:39 PM GMT
    The Trevor Project


    http://www.thetrevorproject.org/





    http://www.thetrevorproject.org/pages/how-you-can-help-prevent-suicide/


    I have not seen statistics, but there is actually a pretty high level of suicide among Asian students, especially in wealthy areas, due to the high pressure to succeed. I have a friend that is an assistant superintendent of what is often rated as the top school district in California (majority of the population is Asian) and she told me that suicide is sadly not uncommon. It is something that is not often spoken about. Add being gay to that, and I would think that would make it even more difficult.
  • LutheranGuy

    Posts: 30

    Jan 15, 2015 11:56 PM GMT
    lifeduringwartime23 saidI've tried talking to him but it goes nowhere.


    All you can do is tell him that you are there for him and love and support him no matter what and he can come to you anytime. Of course only say that if it is true.
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    Jan 16, 2015 4:10 AM GMT
    Thanks for the all the responses guys! i really appreciate it.

    I have been doing a lot of these thing's mentioned. I had a small lunch with him and let him open up. I tried to let him know how great of a person he is. And just generally let him know i was there for him. But i tried hard not to speak of his issues. Since he said he didn't really want to talk about it much.

    Situations like these are kind of rough. Cause all you can do is be there as a friend. But you don't wanna talk about suicide or anything like that. Cause it will made them even more upset. I'm trying to make him feel alright. But i know he's feeling like utter shit on the inside.

    So for now i will just be in the moment. And see where thing's go from there.
  • metta

    Posts: 39134

    Jan 16, 2015 6:21 AM GMT
    ^
    It sounds like you are being a good friend! Nice job! icon_smile.gif
  • stratavos

    Posts: 1831

    Jan 16, 2015 8:11 AM GMT
    lifeduringwartime23 said
    He popped up today out of nowhere. Back on social media and with a new number. He says he's not suicidal anymore. And also doesn't want anyone talk with him about it. I've tried talking to him but it goes nowhere. We once had a very strong bond at one point. Because we were both gay and had Asian families as well. But his are not accepting of gay people at all.


    Let me get this straight... you claim to be a friend... but won't respect his request to "not talk about it"?

    TAKE THIS AS A HINT. He'll talk about it when he's ready, and not a moment sooner. The only thing you can do to accelerate that is by being a Good friend by being there.


    edit:
    lifeduringwartime23 saidThanks for the all the responses guys! i really appreciate it.

    I have been doing a lot of these thing's mentioned. I had a small lunch with him and let him open up. I tried to let him know how great of a person he is. And just generally let him know i was there for him. But i tried hard not to speak of his issues. Since he said he didn't really want to talk about it much.

    Situations like these are kind of rough. Cause all you can do is be there as a friend. But you don't wanna talk about suicide or anything like that. Cause it will made them even more upset. I'm trying to make him feel alright. But i know he's feeling like utter shit on the inside.

    So for now i will just be in the moment. And see where thing's go from there.


    good! I'm feeling a bit of shame about my initial response now.
  • madsexy

    Posts: 4843

    Jan 16, 2015 4:54 PM GMT
    AMoonHawk saidYou can just really be there as a friend. If he doesn't want to talk about it, then you have to respect that. Maybe someday he'll open up to you, but in the mean time, try seeing if he will go out with you for breakfast, lunch, dinner, movie or whatever to work on making the friendship a little closer.

    ^^^THIS! BE THERE for him . . . and try to engage without pushing too hard. Unless you're close enough or in the know enough to detect if an intervention is necessary then this is the way you can support him.
  • Destinharbor

    Posts: 4435

    Jan 16, 2015 5:08 PM GMT
    Good luck, man. I've only gone through one instance when I felt (what would now be called) clinically depressed. I pulled out of it without meds or a doctor but I was certainly in a very dangerous spot. Tapes running in my head, the whole thing. But one day I was standing in my open front door watching my dog, and a friend came jogging by. Rather than follow my instinct to hide before he saw me, I hollered out at him and he stopped and chatted for a couple of minutes. I figured out how to break through the ice in those few minutes by just talking to someone who liked me. Sounds like you may be that friend to your friend. Stay in the moment, as suggested, and try to just be around your friend doing stuff you've always done. Sometimes depressives need a chemical rebalancing by a doctor, though. Just be an guard a bit.
  • rdberg1957

    Posts: 662

    Jan 16, 2015 7:57 PM GMT
    Lots of good advice here. Be a friend. Destinharbor, your experience is illuminating. Isolation is a killer and you decided to come out of isolation and that made a huge difference. But it was your choice. So OP, your friend has choices to make that you can't make for him. All you can do is be available and let him know that if and when he wants to talk, you're willing to listen.
  • josephmovie

    Posts: 533

    Jan 16, 2015 10:40 PM GMT
    While I agree with all the psychological advice given above, I also think that many men get down through a lack of physical activity and just being outside. Tell him that your regular gym buddy is away for a bit and would he mind filling in, just for a week? Or suggest the two of you go for a drive one weekend to do a little hiking or even just some sightseeing at a scenic spot. While it;s great to talk away in a bar or a coffee shop, get him walking and taking as well, preferably in a park rather than a mall.

    Never underestimate the healing powers of just being in a natural environment. "Nature in her green, tranquil woods heals and soothes all afflictions" - John Muir.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 18, 2015 2:32 AM GMT
    Your situation is difficult because he either is lying and ashamed about his expressed feelings and is still suicidal,he has moved on but most likely has moved on partially or completely unhealed, or he is completely fine but isn't willing to prove it to you through conversation. I don't know exactly how you can get through to him, but if you do and you find out he needs help, or anyone else in the future my advice is to do the and express following.

    You give the person as much realistic acknowledgement of that person's feelings, as well as your assistance with helping guide this person to the progressive truth of the situation.

    Express to the individual that If you feel feelings of self hatred, it's your job to investigate where you learned how to do this and take power away from the authoritative figure which instilled such beliefs, and place it back within yourself; whether this is a parent, peer, sibling, friend, loved one, institution, teacher etc, it is your job to never allow the words of another to steer you off your own course.

    Inform your friend that its your choice whether or not you're committed to growing and unlayering the false self which we all learn to identify with at some point, which is what is truly killing you--no one else is doing anything to you, you are choosing to believe your perceived external experience of you, rather than your knowledge of your self which is the only real truth in anyone's life.

    Also I don't think death is wrong, and I believe if someone does wish to die or end suffering that person is entitled to it. No one wants or sets out for this kind experience to happen, but steering a person off course directly from a negative desire usually invalidates and fuels the feelings of death, and if you are someone feeling like dying, there needs to be some sort of death in order for the suffering to be exhumed. It is more ideal to let go or allow the persona to die, but clearly due to statistics that's not an easy thing to do for many.