Is it that most gay men don't want to have kids or they don't see themselves as being fathers?

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 17, 2015 5:57 PM GMT
    I know not all gay men have an issue with having kids. But I've noticed that a lot of guys turn their nose up when I ask if they ever want kids. And a couple of my bi friends actually went back to women specifically because they couldn't find many guys who wanted a family. Why is that? Is it that we think of kids as being forever frozen as "young & needy"? Is it a "I don't want to be responsible for someone else" type thing?

    Personally, I get along REALLY well with guys who are fathers/want a family and notice that they have a consistently high degree of empathy and willingness to connect.
  • Inque

    Posts: 517

    Jan 17, 2015 6:04 PM GMT
    woodfordr saidI know not all gay men have an issue with having kids. But I've noticed that a lot of guys turn their nose up when I ask if they ever want kids. And a couple of my bi friends actually went back to women specifically because they couldn't find many guys who wanted a family. Why is that? Is it that we think of kids as being forever frozen as "young & needy"? Is it a "I don't want to be responsible for someone else" type thing?

    Personally, I get along REALLY well with guys who are fathers/want a family and notice that they have a consistently high degree of empathy and willingness to connect.


    Personally I just don't vibe with the idea of taking care of someone else. I mean I have a dog and I love my dog and all my kitties but at least they don't talk and will be dead in about ten years. Not so with a baby.

    Also in how I envision my future I see myself with a guy who's the love of my life but we have our lives together with just us. A kid seems to complicate that. I don't want anyone stealing my man's attention from me. Also I'm not really that nurturing. I mean I can be for several hours a day but most times I just wanna be left alone and kids are too needy. I'm all the child my future man is ever gonna need, lol.

    Also one of the best things about being gay is that you DON'T have to have kids.

    When I was younger I wanted kids because I wanted love. Now I'm older and I realize I can find love from other places.
  • NeuralShock

    Posts: 411

    Jan 17, 2015 6:06 PM GMT
    Right now I am wayyyy too young to take on the responsibility of kids. If I wanted kids I would need to be slapped upside the face, that isn't a trivial task to raise a child.

    However in the future when I am ready I do want children... Or I think I do. I dont know for sure. Of course this is after a long time of being frivolous and whatever else with my lover for a few years.

    Tldr: Yes but not for a good while.
  • AMoonHawk

    Posts: 11406

    Jan 17, 2015 6:29 PM GMT
    I personally wonder why people have such a desire to have children. Is it because they feel that what they got is so good that they need to pass it on to another generation? Is it because they feel so unempowered that they have kids to exert their power over them? Is it because they feel they can do better than their parents did before them? Is it because they need to feel loved and want children so that their children will love them? Is it because they feel some responsibility to human kind? Is it to have someone in old age to take care of them? Is it to build their own little tribe? Is it so that part of them will live on, even after they are dead?

    I salute those that have them, but it is not for me because I don't think the task should be taken lightly. It is a huge responsibility that will last an entire life time. And you never ever know what you will end up with in the end. Are you capable of providing unconditional love, even if your child turns out to be something you would not want them to be or does something evil. Part of me would love to have had a child because they are so innocent and beautiful and untainted by the world. But it is a really, really huge responsibility and it is not one I think I want.
  • Eli_jah

    Posts: 1391

    Jan 17, 2015 6:50 PM GMT
    I might want to raise kids someday. I think it has a lot to do with my upbringing. I was separated from my own family at a very young age and spent most of my childhood in the system. My own father was, well, a disaster in the role, as he struggled with mental illness and was physically and verbally abusive towards my mother and eldest sister.

    I think I would be a good father. I have a lot of empathy and compassion. I understand human suffering, partly because of my experiences. Above all, I'm a great listener, and getting better as a communicator.

    Someday, I might make a good dad. But I struggle with the idea of fatherhood, because it is not something I've been socialized to really pursue. How would I know if I'm doing it for the right reasons? And would it be worth it to lose my unique freedoms for a life that literally everyone else is living?

    Well, I'm only 27. Maybe in a decade I'll be in a place where I want to consider raising children. But it's something to think about.
  • Eli_jah

    Posts: 1391

    Jan 17, 2015 6:55 PM GMT
    AMoonHawk saidI personally wonder why people have such a desire to have children. Is it because they feel that what they got is so good that they need to pass it on to another generation? Is it because they feel so unempowered that they have kids to exert their power over them? Is it because they feel they can do better than their parents did before them? Is it because they need to feel loved and want children so that their children will love them? Is it because they feel some responsibility to human kind? Is it to have someone in old age to take care of them? Is it to build their own little tribe? Is it so that part of them will live on, even after they are dead?

    I salute those that have them, but it is not for me because I don't think the task should be taken lightly. It is a huge responsibility that will last an entire life time. And you never ever know what you will end up with in the end. Are you capable of providing unconditional love, even if your child turns out to be something you would not want them to be or does something evil. Part of me would love to have had a child because they are so innocent and beautiful and untainted by the world. But it is a really, really huge responsibility and it is not one I think I want.


    All of those reasons, and more. Humans are meaning making creatures, and have been since the beginning of time. The conception of children has been perceived as an act of love since the time of Christ, but in prehistoric times, it was an act of survival. The larger the tribe, the greater the chances. And also, the human race would have died out if our ancestors lacked the foresight (or rather the innate drive) to reproduce.
  • 24hourguy

    Posts: 364

    Jan 18, 2015 2:20 PM GMT
    nope. no kids. no desire to parent. ever. period. I love being Uncle, but no kids.
  • Hjalmar

    Posts: 97

    Jan 18, 2015 2:49 PM GMT
    I see myself that way yes, donno why.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 18, 2015 2:52 PM GMT
    I definitely want to have kids. Got many reasons for that

    - I want to pass my name and my genes (though I would be happy to adopt too)

    - I like kids and the family life. To take care of them, provide, be responsible, etc is something I look for.

    - Once you have kids you know you'll never be alone, I don't like the thought of being 70 and not having anyone other than my friends specially when they all have their own families.

    - I get along with my friends children all ages so to me raising kids is fun.
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    Jan 18, 2015 3:52 PM GMT
    I have no interest in having children because of 2 reasons:

    1. I took care of my sister's kids while I was in high school. Not interested in doing that again.

    2. Your priority goes to your kids. All of your resources, time, energy and money are centered on children. I do not want that priority.

    Kudos to those who want or have children. Here's a thought though, ask the thousands of heterosexual women who do not want children the same question. Other than post partum body change, the answers are pretty much the same as gay men.
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    Jan 18, 2015 4:01 PM GMT
    David3K said

    - Once you have kids you know you'll never be alone
    , I don't like the thought of being 70 and not having anyone other than my friends specially when they all have their own families.



    Not always true! I work in healthcare and I have taken care of dozens of elderly patients who have children and yet, they (the elderly patients) are alone. They tell me stories on how their kids' lives are so busy, they don't have time for a quick visit.

  • wesv

    Posts: 907

    Jan 18, 2015 4:15 PM GMT
    Because kids would yet be another issue to worry about. I personally don't want kids. Kids are cute but not for me to deal with.
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    Jan 18, 2015 5:20 PM GMT
    Kids suck up your time, energy and resources. I have 3 nephews, 1 niece. I've seen my brothers and sister struggle so much with their kids. And a couple of my college friends. Honestly, I don't think I can sacrifice that much. I mean, I like kids only to a certain point. I'm more into the traveling, eating out, dinner parties Waspy lifestyle. So No kids at the moment, unless I meet the right man and he can change my mind.
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    Jan 18, 2015 8:27 PM GMT
    I see it as largely a gender difference that's pre-programmed into us by our genes.

    Women are fascinated by children. On the train to work if a woman was sitting by the door with a child or baby all of the women who came on through that door would at minimal smile at the mother and child, often telling the mother how beautiful their baby was. Men pass by without even noticing it.

    From the biological propagation of the species perspective it's obviously better for the mothers to be interested in their offspring. Back when we were cave men and with the species before that the men were out hunting for food, being the providers, bringing home the bacon, etc. We never needed to develop any strong orientation towards children since the women were taking care of them.

    You also see it in how we define what is a successful person, at a basic level. For men it means having a career; again being the bread winner and bringing home the bacon. For women it's a two step process; step 1 being having a husband, step 2 having children. A woman's identity is about their family, their husband and kids. A man's identity is about his job and career. Here in the suburbs you see many suvs or minivans driven by mommies that have on the back window the stickers of white outlines of the family, the daddy, mommy, and the kids. Good luck trying to find a man's car with that.
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    Jan 18, 2015 10:02 PM GMT
    Lumpyoatmeal saidI see it as largely a gender difference that's pre-programmed into us by our genes.

    Women are fascinated by children. On the train to work if a woman was sitting by the door with a child or baby all of the women who came on through that door would at minimal smile at the mother and child, often telling the mother how beautiful their baby was. Men pass by without even noticing it.

    From the biological propagation of the species perspective it's obviously better for the mothers to be interested in their offspring. Back when we were cave men and with the species before that the men were out hunting for food, being the providers, bringing home the bacon, etc. We never needed to develop any strong orientation towards children since the women were taking care of them.

    You also see it in how we define what is a successful person, at a basic level. For men it means having a career; again being the bread winner and bringing home the bacon. For women it's a two step process; step 1 being having a husband, step 2 having children. A woman's identity is about their family, their husband and kids. A man's identity is about his job and career. Here in the suburbs you see many suvs or minivans driven by mommies that have on the back window the stickers of white outlines of the family, the daddy, mommy, and the kids. Good luck trying to find a man's car with that.


    Really interesting, well thought out perspective.
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    Jan 18, 2015 10:18 PM GMT
    Lumpyoatmeal saidI see it as largely a gender difference that's pre-programmed into us by our genes.


    You also see it in how we define what is a successful person, at a basic level. For men it means having a career; again being the bread winner and bringing home the bacon. For women it's a two step process; step 1 being having a husband, step 2 having children. A woman's identity is about their family, their husband and kids. A man's identity is about his job and career.


    If you lived in the London area or the Home Counties of Southern England, and you come up with a stroke like that - you'll be lynched by a mob of feminist women!

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    Jan 18, 2015 10:28 PM GMT
    Lumpyoatmeal saidI see it as largely a gender difference that's pre-programmed into us by our genes.

    Women are fascinated by children. On the train to work if a woman was sitting by the door with a child or baby all of the women who came on through that door would at minimal smile at the mother and child, often telling the mother how beautiful their baby was. Men pass by without even noticing it.

    From the biological propagation of the species perspective it's obviously better for the mothers to be interested in their offspring. Back when we were cave men and with the species before that the men were out hunting for food, being the providers, bringing home the bacon, etc. We never needed to develop any strong orientation towards children since the women were taking care of them.

    You also see it in how we define what is a successful person, at a basic level. For men it means having a career; again being the bread winner and bringing home the bacon. For women it's a two step process; step 1 being having a husband, step 2 having children. A woman's identity is about their family, their husband and kids. A man's identity is about his job and career. Here in the suburbs you see many suvs or minivans driven by mommies that have on the back window the stickers of white outlines of the family, the daddy, mommy, and the kids. Good luck trying to find a man's car with that.


    I actually seem to know more and more women who want nothing to do with having children. So while that statement above may be quite the generalization, i still think it is mostly accurate and I agree. (Seriously, so many girls are just obsessed with babies.)

    Also there is the fact that gay men, if they had children, would have children that weren't biologically theirs. That does make a difference, as it somehow is easier for me to envision making all the life sacrifices required for raising children if they are a direct descendent of my genes. I'm aware this is another sweeping generalization and plenty of parents who adopt make excellent parents. I also think a large amount of straight people have children on accident. At least at first. Hah!

    All that being said, I would rather have the time, sleep, and money. Woohoo.
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    Jan 18, 2015 10:28 PM GMT
    NotThatOld said
    Lumpyoatmeal saidI see it as largely a gender difference that's pre-programmed into us by our genes.
    You also see it in how we define what is a successful person, at a basic level. For men it means having a career; again being the bread winner and bringing home the bacon. For women it's a two step process; step 1 being having a husband, step 2 having children. A woman's identity is about their family, their husband and kids. A man's identity is about his job and career.
    If you lived in the London area or the Home Counties of Southern England, and you come up with a stroke like that - you'll be lynched by a mob of feminist women!

    Oh I know it. I worked in Berkeley, CA, a very liberal place, with a lot of women coworkers. I kept my mouth shut.
  • ai82

    Posts: 183

    Jan 18, 2015 11:04 PM GMT
    I want to have kids one day. Honestly, the thought of having a mini-me is awesome. Caring for an individual and watching them grow and mature into an adult seems like a challenging but rewarding experience. Also, I want my family name to go on into the future. Not to sound to conceded, but when I think about the affect my mom has had on me, and that I've had on her, it's something that I want to experience.
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    Jan 19, 2015 12:47 AM GMT
    woodfordr said
    Lumpyoatmeal saidI see it as largely a gender difference that's pre-programmed into us by our genes.

    Women are fascinated by children. On the train to work if a woman was sitting by the door with a child or baby all of the women who came on through that door would at minimal smile at the mother and child, often telling the mother how beautiful their baby was. Men pass by without even noticing it.

    From the biological propagation of the species perspective it's obviously better for the mothers to be interested in their offspring. Back when we were cave men and with the species before that the men were out hunting for food, being the providers, bringing home the bacon, etc. We never needed to develop any strong orientation towards children since the women were taking care of them.

    You also see it in how we define what is a successful person, at a basic level. For men it means having a career; again being the bread winner and bringing home the bacon. For women it's a two step process; step 1 being having a husband, step 2 having children. A woman's identity is about their family, their husband and kids. A man's identity is about his job and career. Here in the suburbs you see many suvs or minivans driven by mommies that have on the back window the stickers of white outlines of the family, the daddy, mommy, and the kids. Good luck trying to find a man's car with that.


    Really interesting, well thought out perspective.


    Well thats a prehistoric point of view, i care about my career but also about family. Maybe the reason this guy thinks this way is because he lived throught the 50s in the USA, the only explanation I can find. Other than that all the fathers I know are very happy/proud of it and they show you pics and talk non stop of their offsprings.
  • Tig3r

    Posts: 139

    Jan 19, 2015 12:55 AM GMT
    Gay males (Homosexual Relationships) have significantly less children than any other group. The research I did on the topic showed that not only do (Gay) Males not want children (Sometimes due in part to lifestyle choice, not having a "maternal" instinct, or just not wanting children), but also it is much more difficult for a Homosexual couple to adopt than it is for a Heterosexual couple.
  • Inque

    Posts: 517

    Jan 19, 2015 1:34 AM GMT
    I think.it also.depends on someones sexuality to.a degree. Most of my gay friends don't want kids. Most lesbians or bisexual women I know either have or want kids. My straight makle people are half and half about it. My straight female friends do want kids but can wait or already have kids. My bisexual male friends either have kids already or don't want any. The few that already have kids oddly enough are with men now
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    Jan 19, 2015 7:37 AM GMT
    I would love to have kids with someone I love. Not a problem at all for me. However, right now is not the right time for me. I am barely making it financially.
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    Jan 27, 2015 4:18 PM GMT
    The majority of the people who posted in this thread so far are race-baiters and should be prohibiting from procreating.