Best friend continues to invite his friend that I can't stand when I'm with him

  • IAmTheOneWhoK...

    Posts: 154

    Jan 18, 2015 7:48 AM GMT
    Let's call my best friend Woody. And let's call his new 21 year old "friend" Buzz.

    I was out with Woody at a bar when he tells me he has a friend coming to meet us. Cool, can't wait to meet him. Meet the guy. Seems okay, albeit extremely stoned and very negative "hate school, it's stupid, hate work, it's stupid, hate cars, they're stupid, etc" which was about the extent of his diction.

    The point is, we got a bad first impression of each other. I don't like the guy and I'm certain he feels equally about me. So easy resolve - we not hang with Woody at the same time. However, randomly at times when I'll be out with Woody at a bar, he'll tell me "Buzz is meeting us", even though Woody knows we can't stand each other.

    Am I in the wrong for being a little childish in terms of having to hang around a guy I can't stand just because Woody's got a little crush on the kid and wants to be around him when he's drunk, or is my friend wrong for forcing us to be around each other and giving me no notice that his new friend will be joining us when we're out? I really tried to be friendly with Buzz when we first met, but we just don't get along.
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    Jan 18, 2015 7:54 AM GMT
    Not everyone likes everyone in the real world -- you're going to run across people that just rub you the wrong way.

    Best advice I can give is if this Buzz guy really ticks you off, then just stop hanging around him. If your friend Woody is telling you Buzz is coming around, then tell him, "well dude, it's been fun, but I gotta split" or whatever.

    You can also tell your friend Woody that you don't like Buzz's company. you don't have to be mean about it ("omg your friend buzz is a total dipshit"), but you can at least tell your buddy the honest truth how you feel.

    Doesn't make you an ass for saying so. Men appreciate honest criticism in all things. If your friend Woody gets all pissy about it, then it might be time to stop hanging around him as well. Just food for thought.
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    Jan 18, 2015 2:13 PM GMT
    Well, if Buzz is a "new" friend, he may not be around long enough to become an "old" friend. You know your friend better and should feel comfortable giving an honest, but respectful reason for why you don't like this new friend. If you have made an effort to give this guy a chance and honestly don't want to be around him, then your friend should respect that and make plans with you separately. If he cannot respect that, then don't make plans with him.
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    Jan 18, 2015 2:23 PM GMT
    IAmTheOneWhoKnocks said extremely stoned and very negative "hate school, it's stupid, hate work, it's stupid, hate cars, they're stupid, etc" which was about the extent of his diction.

    If this is a fair sample of what Buzz is like, you can draw 2 conclusions;
    1) your friend is not interested in Buzz for his personality; and
    2) your friend is interested in Buzz for only one thing and you know what that is.

    Attractions based on only that one thing tend to be short-lived. Soon enough Buzz will be history and yo can go back to how you were.
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    Jan 18, 2015 4:55 PM GMT
    A likes B & C but B doesn't like C.

    So does A like B or C a little less and how do you play that so that your relationships don't blow up?

    Well, that depends on the dynamics of the individual relationships and on how high individual esteem is held between parties.

    So, for example, if A likes good friend B & C is a new friend, then if A holds in higher esteem B's judgment than his own, he might like C a little less. But if A puts a higher value on his own judgment, then he might like B a little less for not liking C.

    If A likes C as more than a friend but as an intimacy (and not that friends aren't intimate with each other) then regardless of how high in esteem he might place the opinion of his friend B, B just might piss him off by not accepting his object of desire as part of the ABC's.

    So, generally, if there is no partnering going on between A & C, then you'd be fairly safe to distance yourself from C. If A throws a party inviting everyone, you attend and behave yourself, but also you expect to have time with A without C. But if, as you say, there's a crush developing, then not accepting C with all his faults as you see them be they flaws or quirks and acting upon that will likely hurt your relationship with A.
  • FRE0

    Posts: 4865

    Jan 18, 2015 8:51 PM GMT
    If Buzz is really as obnoxious as you say, then probably before long Woody will become tired of him. I'd suggest saying nothing about Buzz and just waiting out the situation.
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    Jan 19, 2015 12:28 AM GMT
    I had a similar situation happen between my best friend and I a couple years ago. It was around the time when she was in the process of getting a new girlfriend (if unclear by now, I shall put forth that my BFF is in fact a lesbian). Anywhoo....

    At our first meeting with my BFF new GF, I was kinda shocked because I did not like her at all. She was pretentious, had no interest in me at all, and would not let my bestie and I even try to have a conversation. Needless to say, the rest of our encounter was far from being a good first impression.

    After about a couple more encounters, things did not seem to look up. Finally, I gave up and I asked my BFF (rather politely and with a feign of annoyance in my voice) "What in the world do you and her talk about and have in common?". MY BFF answers intrigued me. She put forth a plethora of reasons that left me confounded to say the least. My outlook on her new GF changed (still negative, but borderline positive). So the next time we all met up, I took some of the new found knowledge my BFF gave me and I began to find commonalities with the new GF. Eventually, the new GF and I got along fine. Heck, we even go places without the bestie sometimes.

    I guess what I'm trying to say is that people might surprise you. A D-bag can sometimes be a nice person in disguise. Of course, a D-bag could also end up being...well a D-bag. You're really the only person who can say whether or not your judgement was on the mark or should be reserved provided further inquiry (barring that you yourself are not an overbearing judgmental prick..not trying to insult just saying).

    If your friend keeps inviting "Buzz" over and you cannot stand him, talk with your friend about it. I think even more so if you put effort into trying to be around "Buzz".



    Sorry for the long anecdote, ..did that even help at all? Well I hope everything works out for you. Take care icon_smile.gif

  • FRE0

    Posts: 4865

    Jan 19, 2015 2:29 AM GMT
    Awesomepossum saidI had a similar situation happen between my best friend and I a couple years ago. It was around the time when she was in the process of getting a new girlfriend (if unclear by now, I shall put forth that my BFF is in fact a lesbian). Anywhoo....

    At our first meeting with my BFF new GF, I was kinda shocked because I did not like her at all. She was pretentious, had no interest in me at all, and would not let my bestie and I even try to have a conversation. Needless to say, the rest of our encounter was far from being a good first impression.

    After about a couple more encounters, things did not seem to look up. Finally, I gave up and I asked my BFF (rather politely and with a feign of annoyance in my voice) "What in the world do you and her talk about and have in common?". MY BFF answers intrigued me. She put forth a plethora of reasons that left me confounded to say the least. My outlook on her new GF changed (still negative, but borderline positive). So the next time we all met up, I took some of the new found knowledge my BFF gave me and I began to find commonalities with the new GF. Eventually, the new GF and I got along fine. Heck, we even go places without the bestie sometimes.

    I guess what I'm trying to say is that people might surprise you. A D-bag can sometimes be a nice person in disguise. Of course, a D-bag could also end up being...well a D-bag. You're really the only person who can say whether or not your judgement was on the mark or should be reserved provided further inquiry (barring that you yourself are not an overbearing judgmental prick..not trying to insult just saying).

    If your friend keeps inviting "Buzz" over and you cannot stand him, talk with your friend about it. I think even more so if you put effort into trying to be around "Buzz".



    Sorry for the long anecdote, ..did that even help at all? Well I hope everything works out for you. Take care icon_smile.gif



    That's an interesting antidote, or rather, anecdote. Sometimes people who at first seem uninteresting may, after one gets to know them better, seem very interesting.
  • mybud

    Posts: 11837

    Jan 19, 2015 2:35 AM GMT
    Next time he tells ya Buzz is gonna meet us..Leave.
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    Jan 19, 2015 3:10 AM GMT
    You said it yourself, but you're in the wrong here.

    If Woody enjoys the company of Buzz, then he should be able to enjoy that company. Asking him not to hang out with him if he hangs with you is really possessive. If you really can't stand Buzz, just leave when he finally does meet up or confide in your friend that you can't stand Buzz so Woody will at least stop inviting you out.

    Last thing is that he's your friend, not your boy friend right? And even if he were your bf, it would be in very poor taste to decide who he can be friends or hang out with.
  • honestsweat

    Posts: 183

    Jan 19, 2015 3:51 AM GMT
    Buzz thought he was going for drinks & would have a chance to get to know Woody. Perhaps Biblically.

    But, Woody's friend was there, again. The one that kept on passing judgement on him without knowing that Woody really wants to get to know Buzz.

    Buzz was like, who IS this guy? And he got depressed.

    On the other hand, woody thought wouldn't it be cool if all my buds got to know each other?

    Obviously no one in this threesome has the nerve to communicate.

    All three of you need to Say Something!
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    Jan 19, 2015 5:23 AM GMT
    Next time he sits down at the bar to hang out with you and your buddy, don't say a word, just look him dead in the eye and stab him in the thigh with a stiletto.

    He'll get the hint and will be outta there before the bleeding stops.
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    Jan 19, 2015 5:37 AM GMT
    Do you think that perhaps your friend is the issue and not this Buzz?

    You are both vying for Woody's attention, so it's probably better for you to hang out with Woody on different occasions than when he's with Buzz.

    It could be a competition thing or uneasiness from this guy, and indirectly you are doing the same thing.

    If Woody gave a shit about how you feel he wouldn't be baiting the situation by adding Buzz to the equation.

    ....or maybe you should have sex with Buzz and get that tension out of the way. Hate Sex.

    icon_razz.gif
  • Webster666

    Posts: 9217

    Jan 19, 2015 5:54 AM GMT
    You're not being childish.
    Woody doesn't understand.
    You need to make him understand.
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    Jan 19, 2015 5:34 PM GMT
    "I was thinking about inviting Buzz to come meet us. Would you be cool with that?" Its as simple as your friend asking that.

    If you are my friend, I would already kinda know what you like and your general vibe and would at least ask you before inviting my other friend(s). You hanging out with me is between us. If we decide to invite others, it should be agreed/communicated ahead of time. Maybe you'd want to bring someone too. Maybe you're shy or you want to talk about something personal. All of my friends are courteous about this and that's how I learned this etiquette.
  • Scalese89

    Posts: 122

    Jan 19, 2015 5:42 PM GMT
    I think it's tricky because if you're a good friend to Woody, then it would be good if you could put up with Buzz for his sake. Whilst Woody knows you don't like Buzz, Woody probably likes the group atmosphere when hanging out together with you all. It's also probably less awkward for him if he has feelings for Buzz. Assuming that your friend Woody is aware of this, perhaps you could cut down on the amount of time you see Buzz for the sake of Woody. Obviously if the situation becomes too unbearable and you really have no mutual interests with Buzz then I wouldn't bother seeing Buzz at all, despite what Woody may think. Because ultimately, Woody should respect your decisions and feelings towards people too. Now I have this whole 'Woody' and 'Buzz' thing spinning in my head icon_lol.gif
  • NeuralShock

    Posts: 411

    Jan 19, 2015 5:46 PM GMT
    If I was you then I'd just not go out when they are going to be together, if you really cannot stand him and it will ruin your night just stay home and do something else.


    My fear would be you begin to resent your friend.

    I second what others have said that Buzz will be a plaything he gets bored of, so just keep your distance and hold out for the long-run.
  • EbonyChoccie

    Posts: 17

    Jan 19, 2015 5:51 PM GMT
    True that WoodfordR, I wonder if he exists at all when this Buzz character is around. Maybe your friend isn't as deep as you sound, and it could be time to reconsider how much time you spend with him. He may even be in the way of genuine friends you could be making in your free time. I sense a tinge of jealousy between Buzz and yourself, you could need to look within and deal with that as well.
  • AMoonHawk

    Posts: 11406

    Jan 19, 2015 6:27 PM GMT
    You were friends with Woody first .. don't let Buzz intimidate you, he is trying to pry his way in and make you feel like you are now feeling - like leaving the situation and leaving the two of them alone - you just keep making your presence known and assert your position by smiling and being the cool guy and making it clear that you are not going anywhere and let Buzz do all the talking, because if he is the way you say he is, he will soon be making a total ass of himself and will find himself no longer being invited to hang out with you and your friend Woody. Don't EVER let them go out alone together. That is what is going to succeed in breaking up your friendship and if you value your friend you will stick with him thick and thin. And if Woody wants to bang Buzz then you both bang him together, because it will destroy any intimacy between the two of them and make Buzz look like a whore.