Friend Zone = Bye

  • Joeyphx444

    Posts: 2382

    Jan 19, 2015 5:39 AM GMT
    From my exp it seems after a date or a first meeting that a guy will say you are cool but as a friend. So to me, it sounds like it is what he said, he wants to be friends. So I am cool with that and proceed to talk to him still and then he disappears or we meet one more time and then goes away or makes excuses etc.

    I am not asking them on a date or anything more than that. He thought we had connected on a friendship level but obviously not. I feel like these guys either just want a FWB or want you to back off and not really pursue a friendship cuz they were not going to either.

    This is why I have very little gay friends. Of course, I am not generalizing but seems like guys can't even just accept friendship, if you can't handle that then how the hell could you have had something more?
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    Jan 19, 2015 5:42 AM GMT
    Yeah, my experience is similar. It's so weird to me because when I go to gay bars and I see groups of 4 or so guys hanging out I don't even understand how it happened. Guys don't want friendship with me. Sometimes being gay is a lot lonelier than I thought it would be.
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    Jan 19, 2015 5:45 AM GMT
    My experience is that every time you talk to those un-fuckable "friends" after that, they unrelentingly try to get into your pants. icon_rolleyes.gif
    Eventually you have to just ignore any messages from them.
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    Jan 19, 2015 6:11 AM GMT
    Same here. Guys only want to be friends if they think there's potential to be more than friends later down the road.
  • SilverRRCloud

    Posts: 874

    Jan 19, 2015 6:34 AM GMT
    This has been a constant in the gay world for a while now.

    Few people have either time or energy to grow and maintain intensive friendships past their HS/college days.

    There is work,career, gym, household, trying to get laid. So, in this context, "friends" really means, say "hi" if you bump into each other, have a drink together in a bar if the night is slow, and move on.

    It only makes sense to read little else into "friends" these days. Sure, there are exceptions, but these are far and few in between.

    SC
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    Jan 19, 2015 7:07 AM GMT
    Well, I disagree, in principle. There are, for example, sports friends, hobby friends, music friends, who don't have to also be sex friends.
  • AMoonHawk

    Posts: 11406

    Jan 19, 2015 8:20 AM GMT
    People make friends with people who they have something in common with ... neighbors, co-workers, team mates ... unless you are part of the rich boy crowd, no one has time for side friends ... portrayals on TV (like Friends) seldom exist ... art does not always imitate real life. When you see a group of friends out and they all seem to be having fun, it is somewhat of a fluke. It happens for a short period of time and they are likely co-worker or on the same team where life somehow brought them all together for a short while. Most people that go out on dates don't end up being friends, so don't let it get you down... sorry that is just the way life is
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    Jan 19, 2015 8:25 AM GMT
    Friend zone is more like an easy let down. I have good friends come and go, some of them are great, some are weird. My ex and I were pretty good friends at first, then we split and now I don't even talk to him anymore. But yeah, be open to possibilities. I think that in order to make it as a couple, you need to have a strong friendship foundation first. But yeah, it's hard to find good gay friends.
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    Jan 19, 2015 8:43 AM GMT
    The guy was obviously not interested in you & that was just his way of saying it. Doesn't mean he actually wanted to make friends w. You. People are fckn hypocrite.

    doesn't really sound like he saw you as a potential FWB either. Getting laid would have happened by now if that was the case.

    you could make new friends anywhere. Even with guys you went on a date with. It all depends on the person.

    lol antisocial friendless dickheads come here to give advice about friendship.
  • NeuralShock

    Posts: 411

    Jan 19, 2015 2:18 PM GMT
    This seems to be exceptionally common nowadays.

    Friends? Nope. Either were BFs or nothing!

    To me I find that mentality sad as heck, I have also suffered this insanity. Sometimes I seriously would value a friendship with someone wayyyyy more than a relationship.

    Pretty saddening... :/

    I will add I have A LOT of friends that are (straight) guys and we love hanging out and I have no issue making friends with them or girls. But gay guys? I have maybe four gay friends. It is actually pretty ridiculous.
  • Joeyphx444

    Posts: 2382

    Jan 19, 2015 4:59 PM GMT
    Yeah but if friendship is the base for a good relationship and you can't even make friends with other gay men then wtf??


    I mean girlfriends are great but it'd be nice to have guy friends who are gay.

    Interesting someone said guys don't wanna be friends with someone who will not turn into something more. I never thought about it like that. Kinda crazy cuz you can always use new friends especially since they come and go so much, and not just in the gay world.








  • metta

    Posts: 39134

    Jan 19, 2015 6:38 PM GMT
    I think it may have more to do with how you are meeting these guys. If you met them in a hiking club or some other type of LGBT organization, I would think that developing friendships might be easier because you are not starting off in a sexual manner....such as from hookup sites or bars.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 19, 2015 6:59 PM GMT
    I've noticed that a number of gay guys end up being friends with their exes. And other gay guys I've met had a circle of friends where they have dated & hooked up with each other off and on.

    For me, I have had several guys who wanted to be friends and wanted to hook up. When I said "no" to the hook up, their interest in friendship faded. With other guys, we just didn't have much in common other than the fact that we both liked dudes.

  • Destinharbor

    Posts: 4435

    Jan 19, 2015 7:19 PM GMT
    SilverRRCloud saidThis has been a constant in the gay world for a while now.

    Few people have either time or energy to grow and maintain intensive friendships past their HS/college days.

    There is work,career, gym, household, trying to get laid. So, in this context, "friends" really means, say "hi" if you bump into each other, have a drink together in a bar if the night is slow, and move on.

    It only makes sense to read little else into "friends" these days. Sure, there are exceptions, but these are far and few in between.

    SC

    I agree with this but you could look at it differently. Back in HS/college days, you had many things in common that made it easy to make friends. The school, courses taken, sports in common, clubs, majors, career aspirations, etc. And lots of time. In my adult life, I find friends come from similar settings, mostly work, clubs (Crewes, not drinking clubs), squash ladder, civic groups, Boards, etc. And family members become friends for the first time, too. Sure, time is short but there's still time to get together for dinner, weekends, even vacations occasionally.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 19, 2015 7:28 PM GMT
    I have met great friends on Scruff, Grindr, Manhunt... guys that have been my friends for years and with whom I talk on a daily basis. They are always there for me and I fondly like them!

    I don't get laid with anything that moves and I'm not friends with anything that moves either. I don't become friends with another guy just because he wants to be my friend. I have my criteria and I make them clear from the very beginning. If I friendzone someone, it's not a coward rejection in disguise. If I'm not physically into you, I will say it. If I want to be your friend, I mean it.

    Unfortunately, due to lack of confidence, lack of power, neediness, etc... many guys aren't so selective on who they go to dates with. If you end up having a date with one of those, be ready for the lamest excuses to never see you again, including this pseudo-friendzoning.
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    Jan 19, 2015 10:16 PM GMT
    Another thing I forgot to mention - some gay men or many gay men will only befriend you if you're their type or **hot enough. It's maybe a bit shallow but if they can't sleep or fuck their *hot friends then they want nothing to do with you. That would also explain why there are so many single lonely *troll guys?? ....That's just my theory. icon_redface.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 19, 2015 11:42 PM GMT
    ^

    This has been discussed extensively.
  • Buddha

    Posts: 1767

    Jan 20, 2015 5:30 PM GMT
    I have a group of gay friends, many of which I haven't slept with and won't sleep with and it's going great. So personally, I don't really have a problem with having friends that are also gay.

    I usually find it a bit weird if I talk to someone online and they say "let's be friends". Based on what? That we're gay? I already have plenty of friends that I barely have time to hang out with, and I have a lot more history and things in common with those people. I don't mind talking to someone now and then but this notion of becoming close friends on demand has always been really awkward for me.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 20, 2015 7:29 PM GMT
    I think it boils down to this: If the only reason you know the person is that you and he are both gay, then there's not much there for a relationship besides date/fuck/etc. If you know him through an activity or an interest, then there's something you have in common and can discuss/enjoy mutually without the specter of sex hanging over every encounter.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 21, 2015 10:41 AM GMT
    Welcome to gay life. Seems we are all just pieces of meat to each other despite protests to the contrary.
  • Inque

    Posts: 517

    Jan 21, 2015 5:28 PM GMT
    I've learned friendships do not happen in the gay community because the people involved with looking for friends. The close gay male friends I have were men at some point I either fucked or was trying to fuck.

    That gaggle of gays you see in the club probably has a deeper history than you would guess. I'd put money on at least two or three of them having had gotten together sexually it not working out and friendship being forged after a period of separation and THEN other friends were brought into the fold.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 21, 2015 6:42 PM GMT
    I reckon gay dating is like straight dating; it's not to be expected that one would click with every single guy one would meet (resulting in a friendship or relationship). Some guys will end up being friends, some dates; although personally I don't go on dates to make friends...I'd go on a date because I'm interested in a guy...
  • DrobUA

    Posts: 1331

    Jan 21, 2015 11:25 PM GMT
    Gay friends can be tricky. Not all, but a lot of the guys I'm friends with are guys I have dated in the past. They are people I like and get along with but the relationship aspect wasn't working. I think its easier because there is no sexual tension and you both already know neither one is going to fall for the other.

    On the other side of that I have my best friend who I've been friends with for years. We've never done anything sexual and its never been an issue because I don't see him like that. I ended up moving in with him and a couple months in he tells me he has feelings for me. That makes things super awkward when you don't reciprocate those feelings. A lot of guys will confuse close friendship with you wanting to date them. It's just part of it.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 22, 2015 9:19 AM GMT
    Ugh, this thread is depressing. But painfully true.
  • Joeyphx444

    Posts: 2382

    Jan 29, 2015 2:12 AM GMT
    So just like some girls have exclusively female friends and date men (straight) we might only have straight female friends and date men. I just find it funny how so many profiles state they wanna make friends but are really looking for more, whether it's FWB or a bf. Maybe becoming friends with a guy in a relationship or a couple might be more beneficial?

    Or find a cool straight guy who is OK with the gay icon_razz.gif