Tempted to settle for ex

  • christastic

    Posts: 376

    Jan 27, 2015 6:28 AM GMT
    Valentines is coming and I'm just as single as I was last valentines lol. I broke up with my ex over a year ago while remaining friends, but have been having second thoughts, after noticing all the festive pink stuff at the dollar store today. I also haven't met anyone better in the ensuing period, and my friends keep questioning my decision, (he was quite a catch). My main reason was that our personalities were too different, and I always saw myself getting along best with another chill masc bro type like myself lol. But after a nosy friend took it upon himself to ask my ex to give me a second chance, he's been really trying to rekindle things. And I'm really inclined to just go for it but don't want to hurt him again later knowing that he's not the one...
  • Svnw688

    Posts: 3350

    Jan 27, 2015 7:16 AM GMT
    Oh Jesus.

    Well, I'm sorry your heart is torn and conflicted now. I'd say this.

    (1). There's a well documented phenomenon of a "winter" boyfriend/girlfriend, wherein when it starts to get cold (i.e., and you don't want to "go out" anymore), you'll select a mate for the duration of the winter until spring warms things up and you're ready to party again. I never did this. But I have seen many friends do this subconsciously, and 1 friend (the one who first told me about the phenomenon that I later confirmed online) who consciously does this every winter. She's crazy lol.

    (2). Valentine's Day is a powerful motivator. It's so overtly "romantic" that it makes people feel somehow broken unless they're in a happy relationship.

    My analysis? Sounds to me like you're in love with the IDEA of love, and not this ex lover. But what's wrong with a boyfriend on V-day, some sex, and a few more fun dates/times? True, you might block yourself from finding 'the one' while you rekindle things with him, before it inevitably fails again, but that's a fairly minor risk.

    I say rekindle it. Get all the great sex you can out of it. Be truthful, let the guy know you're really just reconsidering and retrying this because of Valentine's Day sap and because you're horny, etc. Don't lead him on. Don't lie. If you don't try it again, you'll always wonder if you could have made it workout with him. Do it again, let it fail, and then you'll know it wasn't meant to be. And you'll have your V-Day boyfriend, and some sex.

    Win, win, win.

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    Jan 27, 2015 1:40 PM GMT
    People are not play things for your amusement or fill a void until something better comes along. Leave him the Hell alone.

    "chill masc bro type like myself lol." icon_lol.gificon_lol.gificon_lol.gif
  • bobbobbob

    Posts: 2812

    Jan 27, 2015 1:50 PM GMT
    christastic saidValentines is coming and I'm just as single as I was last valentines lol. I broke up with my ex over a year ago while remaining friends, but have been having second thoughts, after noticing all the festive pink stuff at the dollar store today. I also haven't met anyone better in the ensuing period, and my friends keep questioning my decision, (he was quite a catch). My main reason was that our personalities were too different, and I always saw myself getting along best with another chill masc bro type like myself lol. But after a nosy friend took it upon himself to ask my ex to give me a second chance, he's been really trying to rekindle things. And I'm really inclined to just go for it but don't want to hurt him again later knowing that he's not the one...

    ====================================

    You're 22 eh? Nothing at all wrong with that age just don't try to be older or more mature and settled than you really are. Enjoy being your age and make the best of it. There's no hurry to be in a relationship.

    As for Valentines Day, it's nothing but a commercialized yearly event to increase sales for florists, gift shops and restaurants.

    There's a lot of wisdom in these words,
    "I'd rather be alone for the right reasons that with someone for the wrong ones."

    And one of the last considerations in getting back with an ex should be the meddlings of a friend. If you or he had really been enthusiastic about getting back together wouldn't one or both of you have found a way to proceed with that before now with the meddlings of a friend?
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    Jan 27, 2015 2:10 PM GMT
    christastic saidValentines is coming and I'm just as single as I was last valentines lol. I broke up with my ex over a year ago while remaining friends, but have been having second thoughts, after noticing all the festive pink stuff at the dollar store today. I also haven't met anyone better in the ensuing period, and my friends keep questioning my decision, (he was quite a catch). My main reason was that our personalities were too different, and I always saw myself getting along best with another chill masc bro type like myself lol. But after a nosy friend took it upon himself to ask my ex to give me a second chance, he's been really trying to rekindle things. And I'm really inclined to just go for it but don't want to hurt him again later knowing that he's not the one...


    Tell us your birthdays.

    Let the Moon Level of God tell you what's going on through (Lunar) Chinese Astrology.

    At the Solar System Matrix as God Level, astrologers would need time of birth for both. You don't have to do that here, post in the www.astro.com forums (free membership). People who participate there would want you to post a synastry chart to see how y'all lay together (example your Moon on his Sun and vice versa). And we'd want to see the relationship you two give birth to. Yep, relationships are a third entity: two become three, not two become 1: Composite chart is what I'm talking about.

    I, with my astrologer's hat on would do a locational astrology chart as well.

    After this problem is brought to some level of the throne of God so you two can be SAVED from bad karma (Yea, even though you think only he will be hurt again, you don't get off scot-free.
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    Jan 27, 2015 2:17 PM GMT
    Svnw688 said

    If you don't try it again, you'll always wonder if you could have made it workout with him.


    Try it again without more intelligence, more intent to succeed? You are using that young man or you're wasting time if you follow that advice.
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    Jan 27, 2015 4:25 PM GMT
    christastic saidValentines is coming and I'm just as single as I was last valentines lol... noticing all the festive pink stuff at the dollar store today... a nosy friend took it upon himself to ask my ex to give me a second chance, he's been really trying to rekindle things. And I'm really inclined to just go for it...
    dont tell me you havent been thinking this for some time. So its not just for valentines day this year.






    christastic said... I also haven't met anyone better ... he was quite a catch. My main reason was that our personalities were too different, and I always saw myself getting along best with another chill masc bro type like myself...
    take some effort here and consider what you bring to the table. It is difficult to measure your self. Look at how your prospective partner could strengthen a household. What are your weakness. Maybe you could have this conversation with him. The other 96%, the straights, their partners are vastly different.





    christastic said... a second chance, he's been really trying to rekindle things. And I'm really inclined to just go for it but don't want to hurt him again
    dont ever think you two didnt work very hard at the previous relationship. You will get to work on all the same bad as before plus a few more. I think its worth it. In a relationship that lasts years almost everything will have gone wrong at some point. Are you willing to forgive him for a hideous sin. If yes, good, because given enough time you will commit the same bad. Your big gay relationship is just as important as the relationship your parents had or have. Take what you have learned and build from there. Some LGBT centers have free couples training. If you have the resources, a husband is the biggest investment, incorporate counseling into a short vacation. just a V-gift idea.





    my partner is very different than me. He thinks different. Somehow i managed to get him into his bed as a co-hostage. He left tho. At the time i was somewhat in the closet i took the effort to change my life. We got back together after a year and have been strong enough to know for sure i will be with him next year.
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    Jan 27, 2015 5:15 PM GMT
    christastic saidValentines is coming and I'm just as single as I was last valentines lol. I broke up with my ex over a year ago while remaining friends, but have been having second thoughts, after noticing all the festive pink stuff at the dollar store today. I also haven't met anyone better in the ensuing period, and my friends keep questioning my decision, (he was quite a catch). My main reason was that our personalities were too different, and I always saw myself getting along best with another chill masc bro type like myself lol. But after a nosy friend took it upon himself to ask my ex to give me a second chance, he's been really trying to rekindle things. And I'm really inclined to just go for it but don't want to hurt him again later knowing that he's not the one...


    Not once did you mention you loved him, or he was the one.

    So because you haven't met anyone else since the breakup and you seem to not want to be alone for valentines somehow you should give it another go!!!??? icon_rolleyes.gif

    Not fair to him or you.
  • toastvenom

    Posts: 1020

    Jan 27, 2015 6:48 PM GMT
    don't be stupid and allow yourself to be sucked into the commercially constructed "day of love" manufactured by big business to make a fucking buck on shit like flowers/chocolates/dinner/etc. February 14th is no different than any other day of the year if ur single, how u cope during those 364 days is exactly the way you should cope on the 1. if ur doing it right, everyday should be valentines day
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    Jan 27, 2015 7:57 PM GMT
    St. Valentine's Day has been celebrated by lovers for centuries and is not "the commercially constructed "day of love" manufactured by big business." These are the things those who aren't in love or have never been in love say. It just makes them sound bitter. Valentine's Day has been around a lot longer than "big business."

    Besides, even those who are single can take one day out of the year to acknowledge the greatest gift one person can give to another - love. It doesn't have to all be about romantic love. Take your mom or grandmother to dinner or send them flowers or if you are on a budget give then a call or pay them a visit. If you have another single friend, go to dinner with them and talk about your good times together as friends. Love takes many forms. Just don't try rekindling an old flame just for the sake of Valentine's Day.
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    Jan 27, 2015 8:30 PM GMT


    " And I'm really inclined to just go for it BUT don't want to hurt him again later knowing that he's not the one..."

    Follow this excellent advice from...yourself.

    You're not in love with him, as you just stated in the above quote.


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    Jan 27, 2015 9:37 PM GMT
    Sometimes opposites attract..and other times not so much. I hate though how some people use the word "settle" to describe their relationships with people who don't perfectly match their ideal criteria. I mean for example, so what if you like football and the other guy doesn't...is that really grounds for terminating a relationship or not going further with one? Is that really "Settling" for something? To that end, I believe a certain degree of introspection is needed before a hasty decision is made....I digress of course


    Regarding you possibly getting re-involved with your friend, I would suggest that you think about it after the holiday. That way you can think more clearly without having to feel pressured because of Valentines day. I will point out though, that you had a year of friendship with your ex, and in all that time you didn't think about getting back with him again until now...because Valentines day is approaching....1+1=???

    And verbatim: "My main reason was that our personalities were too different, and I always saw myself getting along best with another chill masc bro type like myself lol"

  • Svnw688

    Posts: 3350

    Jan 27, 2015 9:49 PM GMT
    So what's the verdict OP, you rekindling the flame or letting it die out?

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  • Svnw688

    Posts: 3350

    Jan 29, 2015 3:56 PM GMT
    OP, verdict?
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    Jan 29, 2015 4:17 PM GMT
    The operative word here is "settle". Any relationship based on "settling for" someone, as opposed to truly desiring him, is unlikely to have a strong basis for success. I believe the correct operative word you need to be able to say is "love". Do you love him, OP?
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    Jan 29, 2015 9:50 PM GMT
    Different Advice: Look into yourself, and if you still have feelings for him, if you really like him, and you can see being together again, and their aren't real incompatibilities between you, and the two of you can be faithful, consider being a couple again. You are only 22, and if he is around the same age, any relationship you enter into now is not likely to last even 5 years, let alone 10 - because people in that age range are still growing emotionally - changing. You will have other relationships in the future whether or not you rekindle this one. That your personalities are different (how boring life would be if we were all the same) is not a great reason fro ending a relationship, unless it caused incompatibiily.
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    Jan 30, 2015 5:30 AM GMT
    Svnw688 saidOP, verdict?


    Perhaps the OP didn't care for the candid and truthful responses.

    Sigh!!!

    Some people aren't ready to hear the truth. icon_sad.gif
  • christastic

    Posts: 376

    Jan 30, 2015 5:46 AM GMT
    Geez it's only been a couple days!

    My rationale for giving it a second try is that I had a very strict "criteria" for guys, which naturally diminished the amount of investment I had in guys who didn't check all the boxes... but I'm starting to question that criteria. A lot of it in hindsight wasn't for me but for other's approval... for example, I've always wanted to have a part in that cynical, rock solid, always-arguing, old married couple dynamic that I see in some of my straight couple friends, whereas he's all about being positive, romantic and knowingly naïve. His interests and even his voice is pretty fem, which I don't mind at all, but I didn't want to bring a "stereotypical gay boy" home to the family. I know, it's pretty bad, hence the need to "reevaluate" lol

    However, I think I'm just gonna be a coward and let him to do most of the chasing, so that if we get together again I won't be held responsible if it doesn't work out again icon_lol.gif
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    Jan 30, 2015 4:06 PM GMT
    christastic said... His interests and even his voice is pretty fem, which I don't mind at all, but I didn't want to bring a "stereotypical gay boy" home to the family. I know, it's pretty bad, hence the need to "reevaluate" lol ...
    this sounds bad in a number of ways: oh well be the good boy and let your parents tell you your husband looks like / smells like a fag.


    sorry; reads like you want a gay trophy husband?
    your parents dont sleep in your bed so why are you inviting them in? You might as well marry a wife. That would make them VERY happy


    2001whi-w484h484z1-19999-im-a-trophy-hus
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    Jan 30, 2015 5:17 PM GMT
    (On seeing a former lover for the first time in years)...

    "I thought I told you to wait in the car."

    ~Tallulah Bankhead
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    Jan 30, 2015 10:45 PM GMT
    I can only hope your ex sees this:
    "However, I think I'm just gonna be a coward and let him to do most of the chasing, so that if we get together again I won't be held responsible if it doesn't work out again."

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    Jan 31, 2015 10:49 PM GMT
    Lol Never settle for an ex. He's an ex for a reason, I don't understand why some people do this. To me, settling for an ex is like saying *Hm, you're my 2nd best! Anyway, do what you want. Maybe dump him again after Valentines day. OK, that was mean. icon_wink.gificon_redface.gif
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    Jan 31, 2015 11:56 PM GMT
    christastic saidMy main reason was that our personalities were too different, and I always saw myself getting along best with another chill masc bro type like myself


    Funny, you don't strike me as the "chill masc bro type." icon_confused.gif
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    Feb 01, 2015 2:23 PM GMT
    christastic said I've always wanted to have a part in that cynical, rock solid, always-arguing, old married couple dynamic that I see in some of my straight couple friends, whereas he's all about being positive, romantic and knowingly naïve.


    I hope for your sake ( and the sake of your hypothetical future partner) you don't end up in that always-arguing cynical dynamic you always wanted. A little naivete is not such a bad thing.
    BTW if your ex happens to visit this site your chances of settling -- or having any chances at all with him -- are slight.
  • christastic

    Posts: 376

    Feb 02, 2015 5:25 AM GMT
    Radd said
    christastic saidMy main reason was that our personalities were too different, and I always saw myself getting along best with another chill masc bro type like myself lol


    Funny, you don't strike me as the "chill masc bro type." icon_confused.gif


    Haha, never heard that before. Maybe we're too used to the hyper masculine look around these parts? I've seen too many muscle Mary's to be still judging based on appearance lolol