Pursuit of a Relationship

  • ja89

    Posts: 789

    Jan 28, 2015 9:26 AM GMT
    Hey guys it's been a while since I've posted anything on here.

    So last night, a few buddies and I were out for our friend's 25th bday. 3 of us got into a debate on what it takes for them to pursue a relationship/multiple dates with someone passed either the first hook-up or the first date. They believe that you'll just know immediately from the moment you see them, that you'll want/obtain a relationship with them. I said there's no way at all for anyone to know from first glance that can happen. They actively go on dates weekly with someone new each time and expect to find the one from the first impression. The first date is hard to tell if you're going to spend a lengthy amount of shared time with someone. You don't know them at all and you haven't been around them enough to see if they fit with your life. I feel like infatuation and sexual desire is often misconstrued as love and the one. They tend to rush into relationship mode, throwing out all different kinds of emotions and feel like shit after 3 months of dating going no where.

    What do you guys think? Is there such a thing as love at first sight or do you think there needs to be more time formulated between the two?

  • Jan 28, 2015 1:39 PM GMT
    I believe it's a combination of both; love at first sight tends to a look at ones soul (sense a soul connection ,thus soulmate) . And once the two start talking, it's like they knew each other most of their lives...Therefore in their minds eyes .. This is the ONE
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 28, 2015 2:27 PM GMT
    Valentines day around the corner but the word "love" somewhat over used. How abut describing your husband as your best friend?

    both boys have to be in the space wanting a relationship and i think the OP's initial post doesnt reference the other boy's point of view. Is he looking at you for the first time and only see a few hookups? You dont know.



  • HndsmKansan

    Posts: 16311

    Jan 28, 2015 3:59 PM GMT
    I think you have to be flexible with everything. To assume that they aren't the "one" (I chuckled when I read that) from the first impression is way too inflexible.

    You never know, it can be a combination of all. I've found it really is a combination of a number of factors... sexual attraction based on looks, personality, background, interests, views of life and attitude (basically "clicking" on a number of levels).

    Good luck with all!
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    Jan 28, 2015 4:27 PM GMT
    I think it sounds like about where you are supposed to be at 25.
  • tuffguyndc

    Posts: 4437

    Jan 28, 2015 5:46 PM GMT
    i think you can meet someone and think that this might be the person you can share the rest of your life with. it depends on how the date goes and connection between the two people. i think you are looking at it from a point of physical attraction. its not about physical attraction. its about that instant connection. when you sit down and talk for hours and most of it is about nothing. when you both mutually smile the entire night just because you both are happy to have met each other. those are significant signs. that is why you think that this could be the person you could see yourself with long term
  • Destinharbor

    Posts: 4435

    Jan 28, 2015 5:59 PM GMT
    I can happen. But it doesn't have to happen. Stay open to anything. Never be skeptical.
  • johnnyqhomo7

    Posts: 119

    Jan 28, 2015 7:19 PM GMT
    Im a 35 year old, black masculine male who likes white masculine men. I love white guys. I am a virgin though with a guy, never had dick, but craved it my whole life. Im me if you want icon_smile.gif.
  • ja89

    Posts: 789

    Jan 28, 2015 7:39 PM GMT
    pellaz saidValentines day around the corner but the word "love" somewhat over used. How abut describing your husband as your best friend?

    both boys have to be in the space wanting a relationship and i think the OP's initial post doesnt reference the other boy's point of view. Is he looking at you for the first time and only see a few hookups? You dont know.






    So their point of view was you'll instantly know when meeting someone if they're the one or not. They'll instantaneously fall in love with that person while not knowing anything but an hour or so of conversation about the other person. I asked how can you say that when you literally find "someone better/new" each week to replace the last person you thought was "the one."

    I get there is more to it than sexual,attraction but I feel like this what they're basing it off of mostly. They could have the perfect conversation and connect on an emotional, spiritual, and intellectual level with these girls/guys and still won't pursue it passed 1-2 weeks (of course after hooking up).

    Another story that can easily disprove anything I've said is my best friend getting married to her husband after 9 months of dating. So far they're doing so well together and they build each other up at all times.

    I also think the last person I dated has made me skeptical of men's intentions. I told this guy I wanted to wait to have sex with him because I was tired of being used as a sexual outlet. Waited 2-3 months before having sex and as soon as that happened, tables turned. He was no longer the guy I began falling for(more to the story). Since then, I have been more on guard as I refuse to allow someone to put me through that again. Of course if a great guy comes along, I will be open to him but I won't let my instant infatuation towards him let me fall for him.

    I guess it's normal to have your doubts on love's existence.
  • Destinharbor

    Posts: 4435

    Jan 28, 2015 7:51 PM GMT
    Ya, it's normal. But throwing up walls to avoid getting hurt seldom helps in the quest for love. Love should be fun. Stay upbeat, don't close off avenues, including sex, laugh with the guy you're with and just let it go where it wants to go. For me and my guy (of 7 1/2 years), it wasn't love at first sight but it sure was lust at first sight. But before the first 48 hours were over, we both knew we had something special going on. We've never been apart since.
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    Jan 28, 2015 10:40 PM GMT
    Lust at first site? Yes. But love? That takes time. Love is what comes after the initial excitement wears off and you see (and love) them for who they really are.
  • ja89

    Posts: 789

    Jan 28, 2015 11:02 PM GMT
    kalikomua saidLust at first site? Yes. But love? That takes time. Love is what comes after the initial excitement wears off and you see (and love) them for who they really are.


    Exactly how I feel.
  • Destinharbor

    Posts: 4435

    Jan 28, 2015 11:06 PM GMT
    ja89 said
    kalikomua saidLust at first site? Yes. But love? That takes time. Love is what comes after the initial excitement wears off and you see (and love) them for who they really are.


    Exactly how I feel.

    Sure, but it starts with lust. Nothing wrong with that.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 29, 2015 1:27 AM GMT
    The first time I was introduced to the person I married we were polite but rather distant with each other. She didn't even remember the meeting until I described it years later. I'm pretty certain our paths crossed at a roller rink about 10 years earlier than that but can't be positive. She didn't remember that either and I vaguely recall we were distinctly unimpressed with each other that time too. The first date (3 years after the Intro) was pretty boring. The second date, which I had to be arm-twisted into, was astonishingly fun. By the third date we were laughing a lot and finishing each other's sentences. :-)

    So much for love at first sight, lol.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 29, 2015 2:38 AM GMT
    Love at first sight is not an anomaly.

    When it progresses to hitting all the key points of sex, compatibility, temperament, politics, family and whatever else matters.....then it can be amazing! It's like dominoes.

    All of my lovers and boyfriends started out with a big physical/emotional connection. But ultimately there was more to it than that, otherwise it would have just been a nice trick.

    Sometimes love does come slower, being friends first. Or work or many other ways. There is no set way, better than any other. Just be open.

  • ja89

    Posts: 789

    Jan 29, 2015 6:38 AM GMT
    Destinharbor said
    ja89 said
    kalikomua saidLust at first site? Yes. But love? That takes time. Love is what comes after the initial excitement wears off and you see (and love) them for who they really are.


    Exactly how I feel.

    Sure, but it starts with lust. Nothing wrong with that.


    Nothing wrong with it at all. And I agree with that as well, lust the ultimate form of why we initially pursue someone.
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    Jan 29, 2015 9:56 PM GMT
    Infatuation at first sight - Yes. Love - no.

    If there is mutual passion, there can be the start of a hot affair. But even then, it takes time for love to develop - if that's what you are looking for. For some, the hot passionate affair, for as long as the passion lasts, is enough. For many, not.
  • SilverRRCloud

    Posts: 874

    Jan 30, 2015 4:20 PM GMT
    I'd say that I know from the first sight if the guy is NOT going to be the right dude for me to date, and even hang out with, develop a LTR or whatever.

    Now, being sure that he IS the right one at first sight is a totally different matter.

    There are tons of guys out there looking for dates, (Valentine or not), and since the communication is both cheap and easy, people have become a bit careless and disinterested.

    Give dude a reasonable chance, and put in some effort into your dating attempts, so that the game starts working againicon_lol.gif


    SC
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 30, 2015 5:26 PM GMT
    sounds totally something my mother would say but "statistically couples dating >3years have a greater success after marriage".
  • mybud

    Posts: 11837

    Jan 31, 2015 3:02 AM GMT
    Loves like a garden, you cultivate the soul, plant the seed, water the ground...You hope and pray For results...Love is hard work...Knowing this, I got to say, I don't believe in love at first sight...Love to a process...Over time and patience you achieve success.
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    Jan 31, 2015 3:59 AM GMT
    I think it's more complex than one straight answer....The only guy I ever had anything serious with we both instantly liked each other pretty within seconds, and it was just spoken that we wanted to pursuit one another. We also were physical the first day we met, and dated for a couple months.

    That's not the case for everyone, I think people with stronger subconscious desires and needs for connection need instant attraction. Some people who maybe are more fulfilled with themselves or aren't as primal, can find themselves simply desiring a mate with similar interests or lifestyles, which is something learned through time.

  • NeuralShock

    Posts: 411

    Jan 31, 2015 5:53 AM GMT
    Anyone that thinks that love at first sight is what they'll get will be sorely disappointed when they "run out of potential date candidates".

    First date is usually a MISERBALLY BAD representation of who a person is. Most of the time they put on a fake persona, or are just after a one-night stand with soft words and whispers of soft kisses.

    You don't know if the person is the one until you've known them for hell... sometimes even a month is too short.