sick of being in closet

  • sammy121

    Posts: 8

    Jan 29, 2015 6:05 AM GMT
    BOLD TEXT GOES HERE
    Hey wussup icon_smile.gif
    im sick of being in closet icon_sad.gif i live in sydney i cant be gay ffs icon_sad.gif
    i haven't even slept with a boy bcz of the siege im living at.
    i cant move out and my family are so homophobic icon_sad.gif
    im feeling down and depressed as i have to talk about girls and act straight all the time so much effort icon_sad.gif
  • wesv

    Posts: 907

    Jan 29, 2015 6:27 AM GMT
    I can see how it's hard for you. But what's your question?
  • sammy121

    Posts: 8

    Jan 29, 2015 11:37 AM GMT
    i was hoping for for good suggestions. what to do ? i dont want to stay sad for eva
  • Noeton

    Posts: 208

    Jan 29, 2015 11:55 AM GMT
    Well, without knowing more about your situation, I would say start by trying to make some new friends who are either gay or gay-friendly and who can relate to your situation. I would also try to move out of your family's place, even if they were gay-friendly, so that you can have some independence. Keep a optimistic attitude, because with responsible decisions I bet your 20s in cool city like Sydney will be great.
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    Jan 29, 2015 4:19 PM GMT
    Sadly you are not the first, nor will you be the last, LGBTI youth who is in this situation.

    You are not obligated to come out to your family until you feel comfortable doing so. This may not happen until you leave home and are financially independent. You don't indicate your ethnicity in your profile, so it is unclear as to whether your situation is made more complicated by cultural and/or religious issues directly impacting you.

    Pretending to be straight by talking about girls all the time may backfire on you -- the more you talk about it, the more expectation will be on you to follow through with it. My suggestion would be to let them bring up the issue if they want to -- your response: "I'm just not meeting anyone I'm interested in." Also, keep in mind there is no such thing as "acting straight" any more than there is "acting gay" -- there are traditionally masculine gay men, and traditionally feminine straight men. How you act is a personal thing, but be aware of the difference between a personality and a persona. Just be yourself. You don't indicate that your family has hassled you in the past from that.

    If however, at any time you feel you are in PHYSICAL danger from being gay, you should remove yourself from the situation ASAP.

    Feeling isolated, even in a big city, is the worst part about the situation. Even if you know you're not alone, you feel like you are because you don't have the support & resources you feel others do. The good news is you're in Sydney, so you should be able to go online & access some LGBTI youth support services -- even if it just to talk to someone. The simple act of doing this -- ideally in person, or at least on the phone -- will be instrumental in helping you relieve some of your anxieties, and will be able to provide you perspectives and options you may not have known about before. In time, you'll be able to go out and meet people, make some gay friends, and even meet someone you like as more than just a friend.

    Finally don't put pressure on yourself -- or let anyone pressure you -- into sleeping with someone. It's not the end-all, be-all of any sexual orientation. Get comfortable with your sexuality first before exploring sex.

    Best of luck xo
  • sammy121

    Posts: 8

    Jan 29, 2015 5:04 PM GMT
    thank you all <3 i do appreciate the replies.
    im middle eastern trust me i can never come out to my family.
    i do have gay friends i see them secretly and then they go out i envy them that i cant and go home depressed, and thats because i know almost half of sydney cz i play soccer competitively so i cant b seen in public icon_sad.gificon_sad.gif
    finally i think my only option is to move out of the city icon_sad.gif i mean i always wanted to leave australia.
  • Noeton

    Posts: 208

    Jan 29, 2015 6:11 PM GMT
    Well it's good that you're thinking about the situation and your options. Where would you want to go?

    I would say you definitely don't have to take on the whole host of problems involved with this all at once. You're 19... you can take things step by step.

    Definitely I agree with everything the previous poster said. But I would add that, down the road, when you are independent, you should come out to your family. It's your right to pursue happiness in your way. Don't be afraid of them and let them control you. If you are like an ex of mine (who is Muslim), your family probably thinks they know what is best for you, but they don't understand the gay life -- yet.
  • sammy121

    Posts: 8

    Jan 29, 2015 6:18 PM GMT
    exactly... i would like to go london
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    Jan 29, 2015 7:31 PM GMT
    xanadude saidSadly you are not the first, nor will you be the last, LGBTI youth who is in this situation.

    You are not obligated to come out to your family until you feel comfortable doing so. This may not happen until you leave home and are financially independent. You don't indicate your ethnicity in your profile, so it is unclear as to whether your situation is made more complicated by cultural and/or religious issues directly impacting you.

    Pretending to be straight by talking about girls all the time may backfire on you -- the more you talk about it, the more expectation will be on you to follow through with it. My suggestion would be to let them bring up the issue if they want to -- your response: "I'm just not meeting anyone I'm interested in." Also, keep in mind there is no such thing as "acting straight" any more than there is "acting gay" -- there are traditionally masculine gay men, and traditionally feminine straight men. How you act is a personal thing, but be aware of the difference between a personality and a persona. Just be yourself. You don't indicate that your family has hassled you in the past from that.

    If however, at any time you feel you are in PHYSICAL danger from being gay, you should remove yourself from the situation ASAP.

    Feeling isolated, even in a big city, is the worst part about the situation. Even if you know you're not alone, you feel like you are because you don't have the support & resources you feel others do. The good news is you're in Sydney, so you should be able to go online & access some LGBTI youth support services -- even if it just to talk to someone. The simple act of doing this -- ideally in person, or at least on the phone -- will be instrumental in helping you relieve some of your anxieties, and will be able to provide you perspectives and options you may not have known about before. In time, you'll be able to go out and meet people, make some gay friends, and even meet someone you like as more than just a friend.

    Finally don't put pressure on yourself -- or let anyone pressure you -- into sleeping with someone. It's not the end-all, be-all of any sexual orientation. Get comfortable with your sexuality first before exploring sex.

    Best of luck xo


    That was great advice! I agree that until it is safe and comfortable for you to come out to them just use vague answers to questions that don't reveal anything you don't want to come out. Wait until the time is right for you.
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    Jan 30, 2015 2:38 AM GMT
    Come out! Come out!
    [url][/url]
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    Jan 30, 2015 3:03 PM GMT
    sammy121 saidthank you all <3 i do appreciate the replies.
    im middle eastern trust me i can never come out to my family.
    i do have gay friends i see them secretly and then they go out i envy them that i cant and go home depressed, and thats because i know almost half of sydney cz i play soccer competitively so i cant b seen in public icon_sad.gificon_sad.gif
    finally i think my only option is to move out of the city icon_sad.gif i mean i always wanted to leave australia.



    It is sad that you feel you have to leave your home -- and your country -- to be happy and to be yourself. Here is a link I found for various LGBT groups with a focus on the Arabic community:

    http://www.wearefamilytoo.com.au/support.html

    With any luck, they may be able to offer insight and support into your situation. I know you're not the first Arab male to go through this, and finding out how others in your situation have endured and thrived could be a great inspiration to you. It sounds cliché to say "it get's better", but it can. The first step has to be your's though. Safely find the resources you need to change your life.
  • sammy121

    Posts: 8

    Feb 04, 2015 5:23 PM GMT
    thanks mate i do appreciate ur search for me <3 im definitely gonna look at it and try it. im that desperate i would try anything i dont care how crazy
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    Feb 04, 2015 6:17 PM GMT
    just something to keep in mind
    parents; after living with their child for >18years do know that their son is gay. There has to be a lot of denial going on in the household. A down side of the denial is if you come out to them it going to take a looong time for the parents to come around if ever.
  • Svnw688

    Posts: 3350

    Feb 04, 2015 6:26 PM GMT
    You're young.
    Your brain doesn't complete development until 25ish.
    Your impulse control is severely compromised now.
    Young people do RASH and UNREASONABLE things.

    Don't do rash and unreasonable things.

    It would be rash and unreasonable to, without a real plan, pick up and move to another country without a job. Or to commit suicide. Or to commit murder suicide. Or to leave your family and city without months of planning and preparation.

    Live your life, but please realize that young people are naturally prone to making rash decisions, which can have lasting and sometimes negative consequences.

    Good luck OP.
  • Destinharbor

    Posts: 4435

    Feb 04, 2015 6:35 PM GMT
    Why not just transfer to a new school in a different city? You may have to give up some things but it sounds like it might be worth it to you. You live in a civilized country and perhaps you need to start educating your family. And the repercussions may not be as bad as you fear. My partner's dad escaped from China during the cultural revolution and came to the US. Very old school in many ways. My guy was afraid if he came out to him he might never speak to him again. Literally. But after we'd been together for three years, he decided to come out to his family and stop hiding in shadows. So he did. And everything turned out OK. His father simply said he wanted him to be happy. And he has been very cordial to me. Even got up at 3am to cook us an elaborate chinese breakfast on our last day there. So you never know. Love in a family can open minds. It is perhaps the main reason why we are making so much progress so fast. We are coming out and opponents suddenly discover someone they love is gay and that gets them questioning their own viewpoints.

    (Well, unless you're Republican in the US. Then you run to FOX and learn how to regenerate your hate but sometimes it is redirected at someone else. I know you have Rupert Murdoch there, too.)
  • Noeton

    Posts: 208

    Feb 04, 2015 7:17 PM GMT
    I would encourage you to move to London or another city if that's what you really want -- provided that you have some reason for being there (like college, in the case of someone your age). Living for awhile in another city/country has a lot of benefits in terms of learning about the world, different people, and life in general.

    I don't really know what your state of mind is, but lots of other young guys, not just Muslims, are going through the same thing. To all such guys, I would say: there's a point at which worrying and stressing about the situation becomes counter-productive. Not everything can change overnight. It's not a helpless situation. Things will look a lot different once you are putting your own roof over your head (maybe with roommates who know you are gay). Every family is different, but take a good look at what exactly your family does in terms of controlling you. Is your mother passive-aggressive? Is your father just plain aggressive? Whatever the case may be, it's a good idea to map out their control strategies, because you'll probably want to maintain a long-term loving relationship with them while placing that relationship on an even playing field. That involves understanding how they control you and taking charge accordingly. The worst case scenario is if they want to break with you entirely because you wish to live as openly gay. That would be horrible, but if you think it is likely, it's best to start thinking about how you are going to deal with it.
  • sammy121

    Posts: 8

    Mar 05, 2015 5:14 PM GMT
    thanks guys <3 yea i think i will have to move icon_sad.gif i wish i didnt have to tho icon_sad.gif
  • MikemikeMike

    Posts: 6932

    Mar 05, 2015 5:22 PM GMT
    You're still very young. No one at 19 likes to hear this, BUT don't be depressed. You will have your freedom. Just be patient and make plans. Live in the now. Never wish time in your life away. Good things are worth waiting for, so are good guys!
    Good luck.
    Ask any questions you have.
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    Mar 05, 2015 7:38 PM GMT
    Do not sink into negative stuff, don't do anything silly as well. Strive hard, do stuff that can make you feel positive. Be strong on the emotional side, physical side and as well as mentally.

    Study well then look for a job, so you can move out. Not teaching you to ditch your family, but you really need some space for your own. Best of luck with everything buddy.
  • HottJoe

    Posts: 21366

    Mar 05, 2015 7:47 PM GMT
    Isn't Sydney gay friendly??icon_sad.gif
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    Mar 05, 2015 8:01 PM GMT
    sammy121 saidthanks guys <3 yea i think i will have to move icon_sad.gif i wish i didnt have to tho icon_sad.gif


    I had a really awesome (and hot) Iraqi-American coworker a few years ago who was gay. Growing up, he felt like he could never come out to his family. They eventually found out that he was gay, and they did not ostracize him, but he and his family never talked about it. They continued to try to pressure him into an arranged marriage with a woman, but he never caved in. Later, he went to college and graduate school and got into teaching English as a second language. This gave him complete financial independence, and he traveled the world for several years teaching in various countries. He still comes back to visit his family in the United States every year or so.

    You say that you are considering London, and that is probably a good choice. I have read of gay Muslim communities in New York, Amsterdam, and Seattle that might be of interest to you, too. But another option is to stay in Sydney, and try to make things work there. It may not feel like it to you at the moment given your situation, but Sydney is a center of the world gay community, and you may be able to find happiness there, whatever that means for you.

    In any case, good luck to you.
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    Mar 05, 2015 11:31 PM GMT
    HottJoe saidIsn't Sydney gay friendly??icon_sad.gif

    Yeah, but I think OP wants to get away from his parents.
    It might be better idea to move to another Australian city instead of trying to change the country.
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    Mar 05, 2015 11:42 PM GMT
    uhh don't you guys think if he had the financial means to just move or transfer, he probably would've done so already?

    @sammy - just play the game until you're more self-sufficient. if you try to force coming out, you could end up in an even more awkward and unhappy situation than ur in now. u still need ur parents at 19.

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    Mar 06, 2015 5:57 PM GMT
    sammy121 saidthank you all <3 i do appreciate the replies.
    im middle eastern trust me i can never come out to my family.
    i do have gay friends i see them secretly and then they go out i envy them that i cant and go home depressed, and thats because i know almost half of sydney cz i play soccer competitively so i cant b seen in public icon_sad.gificon_sad.gif
    finally i think my only option is to move out of the city icon_sad.gif i mean i always wanted to leave australia.


    I share my life between Australia and the U.S , the problem is not Australia , it is you , your parents believes , and your/your parents country of origin .
    Because of your age , it won't be easy to leave home as you cannot support yourself , find a job , apply yourself to your studies and soccer career , and then move with a mate of yours so could share expenses with him .
    BTW , i doubt that half of Sydney are able to recognise you , because if it was the case , it would mean that you really are a famous player , and if you would be , you would have the money to support yourself without the help of your parents .
    I feel for you mate , best of luck !!
  • sammy121

    Posts: 8

    Apr 29, 2015 5:35 PM GMT
    i moved to melbourne icon_smile.gif lol
    actually its not moving im just takin a big rest. ive been here for last 2 months and im doing okay, mentally im sooo happy, financially is sooo hard but better than nothing. i appreciate all ur support <3