Dictated in the style of Stefon:
Twink-For today's twink on the go, the hit drink is the Elizabeth Taylor. Made with Creme de Lavender, champagne, and costume diamonds, this light drink will soon have you sandwiched between Richard Burton's gay nephew and Claws the cat. All this without mudd-butt and wrecking the intense enema preparation for later in the night.
Jock-No jock has ever been found in the wild and they're only rumored to exist. The closest any bar came was an all gay 'flag' football team, and a group from a yoga club. A social experiment is on-going in Manhattan whereby "Boxers" is supposed to pull these rumored creates after their gym or real sports gathering, but so far we're wall to wall with circuit party boys and human bocce balls. You know, a human bocce ball is that thing, where a midget bends over and grabs his ankles, and people roll him in Central Park to outscore their friends. At any rate, it's speculated a true jock would drink what frat boys drink--Budlight lime.
ElderGay-From yesterday's twink to today's reviled ambassador of death, for the eldergay on the go today's drink of choice is Shirley Temple. Today's eldergay is too smart to revert back to his prior 4 decades of functional alcoholism, and this drink will help keep him on the wagon, and his Rascal Scooter. Teetotlers rejoice as this drink fuses ginger ale, grenadine, and the tears of a life's dreams unfulfilled.
Asian gay-Today's GaySian doesn't trend far from tradition in heralding the Jell-O shot as the drink of choice. With an average towering height of 4'11, this shot to a mere mortal is the equivalent of a 40 OZ King Cobra to modern GaySians. Made with Jell-O, vodka, and a pinch of self-hatred, the drink goes down like water and packs a punch.
Black gay-Modern urban explorers rejoice at Coca-Cola. This mixer par excellance can be ordered at any venue and inevitably mised in the bathroom with the flask of Hennessy you smuggled into the bar. Tips are never expected with this drink, and it's often comp'd. Made with Coke, ice, and the bartender's realization he won't make any money from you, this stable companion will never disappoint.
Country gay-Rural gay boys at Club Rodeo have reason to celebrate as the Manhattan has just replaced the LIT as the country boy's drink of choice. Made with whiskey, vermouth, and lowered expectations, this drink will momentarily assuage the gay who finds himself trapped in a fly-over state. Attempting to immitate what you've always wanted has never been easier, and is certainly simpler than naming your child Mercedes or Lexus.