Comparing yourself to others...

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 29, 2015 1:38 PM GMT
    Is anyone else guilty of doing this? I feel like this is a big reason why I get depressed and have low self-esteem.

    I had some setbacks during my teenage years/in high school. At 14 (freshman year), as I was starting to realize I might be gay, I went through an intense period of depression/anxiety and was even diagnosed with OCD. During my sophomore year, I was diagnosed with Ulcerative Colitis and had to have 2 surgeries the following year to have it cured (medications weren't helping and were just making me gain weight and having other nasty side effects).

    So I missed a lot of valuable time in high school. Time where I should have been socializing, making new friends, possibly experimenting, etc. It wasn't until my senior year when I was all better that I made a few friends (only one of whom I still talk to today).

    When college came around, I decided not to go away. I didn't really make any college friends or hang with anyone from college and I changed my major/transferred schools a few times.

    I'm finally working on finishing my Bachelor's now at age 24. I've never had sex (I received oral once from a random guy on Grindr a little over a year ago, something I kind of regret) and I've never been in a relationship.

    I go on Facebook and I see a ton of kids I graduated with who already have their degrees, are engaged/married or in a relationship. A lot of them already have kids. Not that I necessarily want to be married or have kids at my age, but I guess what bothers me is that I see them out there in the world, going on vacations with their friends, experiencing things. And I feel like I've been sitting in the same spot since high school. I don't really have a group of friends that I can go out and do things with. I have 2 close female friends who are always busy or working and my other close straight male friend has a girlfriend.

    Whenever my friend (he's straight) talks about all of the vacations he's gone on and girls he's hooked up with, it makes me feel like a loser. Knowing that I'm 24 and I've had 1 hookup makes me feel like some kind of outcast.

    A few years ago, I decided to stop comparing myself to other people and I just let things be. I surprisingly became a lot happier and stress-free. However, now that I'm older and not much has changed, I'm back to my old ways of comparing myself to everyone else and saying to myself "look what they have, and I don't" or "look at what they've experienced and I haven't".

    Is anyone else guilty of this? How can I learn to just let things be and accept them for what they are?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 29, 2015 1:48 PM GMT
    You're a great looking guy. The only thing holding you back is you!
  • NeuralShock

    Posts: 411

    Jan 29, 2015 2:12 PM GMT
    I'm guilty of this too icon_redface.gif Like.... Literally all the things you listed I feel right now. Other then oral, haven't had that yet myselficon_redface.gif

    Honestly it just reminds me to fight that much harder so I can be happy one day too. That's how I cope with it.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 29, 2015 3:43 PM GMT
    Comparison is the root os all unhappiness boo.

    Especially here in South Beach where I'm surrounded by the ultra rich and super hot. icon_confused.gif

    I just try to remind myself that things could be a lot worse, I could be Spazzy. And I feel better already!!!icon_lol.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 29, 2015 4:09 PM GMT
    I have kind of a different view on this one. I compare Myself to others all the time.

    Often I come out clearly far ahead. And just as often...I don't. I have never felt badly as a result however.

    There is ALWAYS someone (if not many) smarter, richer, better looking, stronger, more advanced in SOME way. I have always thought it to be the height of arrogance and naïveté to actually believe no one is any better than "You."

    I know that very few, if any, can REALLY compete with Schweitzer, Einstein, Curie, Duse, Shakespeare, Hawking, Michelangelo, Picasso, Phelps, Ali etc. And of course Joan Collins.

    I look at them as guides and goals. Comparison is part of the learning process. If it wasn't for comparing a healthy body to a sickly one, We would all still be victims of scurvy and rickets and dying of small pox before the age of 30.

    And NO ONE on RJ would look the way they do without a little healthy competition...

    As long as You focus on being the very best that YOU can be and remember to enjoy and have fun with the process...You should be fine!!!

    icon_cool.gificon_cool.gificon_cool.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 29, 2015 9:59 PM GMT
    I'm guilty of this . I also attach myself to people .
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 29, 2015 10:16 PM GMT
    Jeez - you're not a bad-looking guy. You want sex? - spend a week in a gay vacation destination where you can have some nice encounters with no expectations of lasting relationships, because everyone goes back to their home area.

    Children - be glad you don't have any yet - It's a definite hazard of being straight and young. A lot of people that had kids in their early 20s would think they would be much better off if kids had come later. If you want them later, when you are in a LTR, it can be arranged.

    Success - be aware of others' successes, but don't compare yourself. No matter what you do, or how good you may be, there will always be someone with better looks, more money, or bigger achievements. If you did a start-up and made a $100 million dollars, there are others who got $billions. Carve out your own path in life and be happy with it.

    Now, back to sex - no time like the present to start working on it.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 29, 2015 11:05 PM GMT
    Well, the first problem is you're in Deer Park. Comparisons are inevitable. The only place worse might be Jericho.

    Aside from being in a place with a lot of success-driven people with pushy parents, Long Island is a hard place to gauge your attractiveness. From what I hear there's not a lot of action here and any way you slice it sex and meeting guys is a numbers game.

    Geography aside, there is such a thing as healthy competition. Make whatever anxiety or fear you may have work for you by motivating you, if only in one area - school, relationships or gym, for example. For all the complaints guys have about failure in getting "aesthetic" that's the easiest area in which to succeed because that's where one has the most control.

    Life also has a way of evening out. Many of these more successful peers may be peaking. Every ten years everyone's life does a complete 180. At least that's my theory.

    Also, thanks to the internet, I now know that I wasn't the oldest living virgin. It's amazing how many gay virgins over 25 create threads on that subject right on RJ!

    *edit * In my head I confused Deer Park with Dix Hills. BIG difference. Still...
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    Jan 30, 2015 12:27 AM GMT
    eagermuscle said*edit * In my head I confused Deer Park with Dix Hills. BIG difference. Still...


    Lol, I was about to say! Deer Park isn't the most fancy place on Long Island, so you must have it confused with another town (although I remember it being a lot nicer when I was younger).

    Anyway, thanks for the responses everyone.

    I have been making some improvements. I went back to school last semester and finally decided that I'll get my Bachelor's in Business first, and see how that goes. I could always go back to do something else afterward, but I want to get undergrad out of the way.

    I've also started a diet program that I purchased, and I started exercising too. I'm about 2 and half weeks into the program and I've lost about 12 pounds.

    I guess my biggest problem is really just getting out there and meeting people. I want to make new friends, since I never really got that opportunity in high school or college. At my job I only have 3 co-workers (it's a small business).
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    Jan 30, 2015 1:43 AM GMT
    pazzy saiduhhh... you say you never had sex but then turned around and said you got head. head doesn't count as sex anymore? wow... kind of scared what the future looks like when folks don't know what sex is but yet are having it. basically, you're not a virgin.

    and dude, just because someone is doing whatever with their life doesn't mean that they're happy. the grass is not always greener on the other side. in fact, a lot of folks that tend to show off their lifestyles are trying to fill in that void or missing piece to their puzzle. you should find out what makes you happy and everything will be okay as long as you work on bettering yourself.

    Seems like someone hacked pazzy's account. That is way too much common sense on display here.

    Btw. For whatever reason a lot of people do not consider Oral Sex to be Sex. I think that's bs, but just ignore it.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 30, 2015 1:59 AM GMT
    We are snowflakes.

    macro-big.gif

    Nothing compares
    Nothing Compares to you
    Nothing compares
    Nothing Compares to you
    Nothing compares
    Nothing Compares to you





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    Jan 30, 2015 2:38 AM GMT
    bhp91126 said
    Seems like someone hacked pazzy's account. That is way too much common sense on display here.


    Half of it is the real pazzy, the other half is plagiarized from self-help websites
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 30, 2015 2:41 AM GMT
    ant811 saidI guess my biggest problem is really just getting out there and meeting people. I want to make new friends, since I never really got that opportunity in high school or college. At my job I only have 3 co-workers (it's a small business).

    Most people make their friends at school, their first postgraduate jobs (assuming they're working for large companies with lots of young people), or their travels in between, so making friends at this point in anyone's life will probably be somewhat of a challenge, so if it doesn't happen quickly for you don't take it as a personal reflection.

    As for everything else, congrats on the recent progress! Rome wasn't built in a day.
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    Jan 30, 2015 2:46 AM GMT
    bhp91126 said
    pazzy saiduhhh... you say you never had sex but then turned around and said you got head. head doesn't count as sex anymore? wow... kind of scared what the future looks like when folks don't know what sex is but yet are having it. basically, you're not a virgin.

    and dude, just because someone is doing whatever with their life doesn't mean that they're happy. the grass is not always greener on the other side. in fact, a lot of folks that tend to show off their lifestyles are trying to fill in that void or missing piece to their puzzle. you should find out what makes you happy and everything will be okay as long as you work on bettering yourself.

    Seems like someone hacked pazzy's account. That is way too much common sense on display here.

    Btw. For whatever reason a lot of people do not consider Oral Sex to be Sex. I think that's bs, but just ignore it.

    Right - that is not the syntax of the Pazzy we know and love. I believe he deleted his account again, so it was up for grabs - sort of like Radd/Notradd.
  • BloodFlame

    Posts: 1768

    Jan 30, 2015 6:51 AM GMT
    OP, sometimes I do but then I think to myself of all my quirks and differences and remember that we all are different and posses strengths/weaknesses.

    You're an attractive guy, you're being hard on yourself. Take a step back and breath.

    Just try and stay positive. Try to work on something that'll help relax you.

    Whenever I'm feeling down, I either draw or do squats, certainly helps deal with the negative thoughts.

    Good luck OP, you'll see. Things will come into play if you remember to never give into despair.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 30, 2015 4:24 PM GMT
    Dude, I did the same things man. It just held me back. I didn't do anything for the longest time. My best advice. Go on vacation. Don't go to clubs, don't go to gay destinations and stuff like that. Just go on an adventure. You'll discover things about yourself and grow.
    Never stop growing man. Read, write, paint, exercise...Just move.

    No such things as Castle Walls man. It's just in your head. Took me years to realize that sadly.
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    Jan 30, 2015 4:34 PM GMT
    Used to when I was younger, but never obsessively so. One of the nice things about growing older and more mature is that you find it easier to be your own man and stop measuring yourself against others. And, having more experience than younger people, you, hopefully, develop a sense of perspective and become wise, which in turn buttresses your own self-confidence and allows you to appreciate - or judge, if you will - people for what they are without regard to what they think of you.
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    Jan 30, 2015 4:38 PM GMT
    Never compare yourself to others.


    Whenever Richard Cory went down town,
    We people on the pavement looked at him:
    He was a gentleman from sole to crown,
    Clean favored, and imperially slim.

    And he was always quietly arrayed,
    And he was always human when he talked;
    But still he fluttered pulses when he said,
    "Good-morning," and he glittered when he walked.

    And he was rich – yes, richer than a king –
    And admirably schooled in every grace:
    In fine, we thought that he was everything
    To make us wish that we were in his place.

    So on we worked, and waited for the light,
    And went without the meat, and cursed the bread;
    And Richard Cory, one calm summer night,
    Went home and put a bullet through his head.

    ~Edwin Arlington Robinson
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    Jan 30, 2015 5:18 PM GMT
    bon_pan saidYou're a great looking guy. The only thing holding you back is you!


    My thought exactly , and that goes for the OP and also for NeuralShock , you both are young and handsome , get out of your shell and enjoy life .icon_smile.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 30, 2015 8:12 PM GMT
    bon_pan saidNever compare yourself to others.


    Whenever Richard Cory went down town,
    We people on the pavement looked at him:
    He was a gentleman from sole to crown,
    Clean favored, and imperially slim.

    And he was always quietly arrayed,
    And he was always human when he talked;
    But still he fluttered pulses when he said,
    "Good-morning," and he glittered when he walked.

    And he was rich – yes, richer than a king –
    And admirably schooled in every grace:
    In fine, we thought that he was everything
    To make us wish that we were in his place.

    So on we worked, and waited for the light,
    And went without the meat, and cursed the bread;
    And Richard Cory, one calm summer night,
    Went home and put a bullet through his head.

    ~Edwin Arlington Robinson


    ^+1!
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    Jan 30, 2015 8:59 PM GMT
    Cash saidI have kind of a different view on this one. I compare Myself to others all the time.

    Often I come out clearly far ahead. And just as often...I don't. I have never felt badly as a result however.

    There is ALWAYS someone (if not many) smarter, richer, better looking, stronger, more advanced in SOME way. I have always thought it to be the height of arrogance and naïveté to actually believe no one is any better than "You."

    I know that very few, if any, can REALLY compete with Schweitzer, Einstein, Curie, Duse, Shakespeare, Hawking, Michelangelo, Picasso, Phelps, Ali etc. And of course Joan Collins.

    I look at them as guides and goals. Comparison is part of the learning process. If it wasn't for comparing a healthy body to a sickly one, We would all still be victims of scurvy and rickets and dying of small pox before the age of 30.

    And NO ONE on RJ would look the way they do without a little healthy competition...

    As long as You focus on being the very best that YOU can be and remember to enjoy and have fun with the process...You should be fine!!!

    icon_cool.gificon_cool.gificon_cool.gif


    Exactly! We all compare ourselves to others. We all have our 'talents'! I can't play a musical instrument, but I can draw and paint. Does that mean I should start playing the piano, or be the BEST artist of all time?

    Nope. Just be the best you can be.

    Life is like a game of pool, I can beat the best, but can lose to the worst too.

    If you ARE unhappy about something, change it!
    " I just let things be. I surprisingly became a lot happier and stress-free. However, now that I'm older and not much has changed, I'm back to my old ways"
    ......you KNOW the answer. it's right there!


    But don't have sex just because everybody else does.


    This above all: to thine own self be true,
    And it must follow, as the night the day,
    Thou canst not then be false to any man.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 30, 2015 9:05 PM GMT
    It's not a good idea at all. Most people do it because it's human nature. Some people are just born into wealth, having tons of luck. If you think about it, just be happy with your own life and what you have. There are always people who have it worse.
  • beaujangle

    Posts: 1701

    Jan 31, 2015 12:37 AM GMT
    I suggest you join 'meetup' groups; there are many around in many different locations some of which are gay groups.

    Just google 'meetup' and then narrow down to the specific groups you would like to join. Good luck!
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    Jan 31, 2015 12:26 PM GMT
    I'm going to approach this a bit differently. I think there are two separate things in your post and I will try to address both.

    Someone close to me sees a physcoligist because he has a bit of low self esteem. Meeting him you wouldn't think it, but he actually has issues making friends. Way back, When he initially meets people he reflects the person he is talking to as a way of trying to get them to like him. His physiologist suggests one of the key developments we go through when we are young are our social interactions. Kids who don't get to do that struggle to make friends when they are older and can sometimes impede them from developing long term relationships. People can get past this on their own, but it takes time and it could be a struggle since part of the problem is the aspect of low self esteem. He went through things in high school and didn't finish which adds to his self esteem issue. Sometimes the fear of failing prevents you from actually trying. This is very true of this person. Even though hey are fully capable to, they believe they cannot so they don't try. Compound this into trying to meet people and it makes real relationships something hard to sustain.

    When I first met this person, it was online. I feel sometimes no matter how good your mask is in person, a real part of you is reflected in your persona online (except when you're actually pretending to be someone you're not on purpose). When we met, I felt something off about them and within a week I had to ask. Who was the person I was interacting with because they are not the same person I laughed with or skyped with online. I made it clear that I don't play games in my relationships with people and I fully expect someone to be who they are with me. He apologized and explained that he doesn't know why this happens and he never had anyone call him out on it. We started over and I saw the real person. Over the years, I've had suspicions about what his challenge was and over time I hinted that seeing someone to understand this would help him. It took 2 years, but he finally did. He felt he shouldn't waste a doctors time with his trivial problem and it took some convincing that he had every right to seek help. She helped him see what I suspected all along, in meeting with someone he gets anxious about them liking him and as a defence he reflects that persons behaviour. He was much better before even meeting with her, but understanding why has helped him really find who he is. He really projects who he is all the time now and has learned that if people don't like him for himself, they aren't worth keeping around. Reading all this, I feel it would be more beneficial to tell you who it is than refer to as my friend. He's my fiancé. We have been together for 5 years and last August I asked him to marry me.


    Now, Comparing yourself to others sometimes can't be helped. People would be lying if they said they never compared themselves to others. I'd like to think I don't compare myself to others, but use something they have as means of motivation. The bottom line is, I'm still comparing myself to them at some level. I know a millionaire my age who inherited his money and is constantly traveling the world and casually is in art school posting his pieces on Facebook. His family is rich, and our parents are business partners. I'm not envious of his money. We all could use a little more, but I see what he does and enjoys and I reflect on what I do and enjoy. Here's someone with a ton of money and he's passionate about art. My passion is what drives me and what makes me feel good about myself. It allows me to reach out to him and speak to him on the same level without thought of who has more and who is happier than who. I had a friend who was visiting his country and I asked him if he'd okay meeting up with her and just showing her around maybe hang out since she doesn't know anyone there and is working there for 3 months. He was more than happy to. I don't get hung up on what he has and what I have. Everyone around me was getting married and having babies, but for me I knew I was just not there yet. You may have not experienced what others around you have, but there's no reason why you shouldn't.

    I feel you have some things to work through and highly suggest you seek a professionals help. There are things they can help you see and just by making that connection will open so many new experiences. I know I wrote a novel, but if you have more questions or want to chat, send me a message icon_smile.gif