Hot and bothered! Need some advice please.

  • Zwee18

    Posts: 2

    Feb 01, 2015 4:26 PM GMT
    I can't figure it out, frustrating! Hi, I'm a 24yr old private gay and I'm crushing hard on a new friend, he's a 18yr old hottie. Me: not out to most people, private, haven't told my new friend I'm gay and that I like him. Him: works at my gym, likes dance music and 420. We have been talking in the coed hot tub at the gym twice a week the last 4 months. We currently text each other (I seem to text him first all the time though) and we did go out one night last week. It was awesome to hang and at the end of the night I felt I could have made a move on him. Thing is though I can't tell if he likes me or is completely straight! Since day one we both stare at each other while he works at the gym. Really some heavy staring! I love it. When we talk and when we went out there seems to be a good vibe between us but we both say/do nothing about it. He talks about having no girlfriend and hasn't for 5 years but did have sex recently with a crazy girl. Said he has trouble getting it up when time comes. He tells me all about his life and crazy girls that snapchat him nudes. He also said he met a new 25yr old girl at the mall recently and she was hot. But seems these girls go no where and he doesn't speak of them again. He once told me a girl and her boyfriend asked him to be in a three way and the dude wanted him to do him. My friend then said loudly that no way he would because he is straight, like he wanted me and others to hear him say that at the gym. The night we went out he opened a snapchat and quickly shut it off when I saw it, it was a shirtless dude. He said it was a crazy girl wanting to send nude snaps. I was so nervous all night and couldn't seem to just talk or tease him, flirt, etc. Also we briefly talked that night about gay/bi guys and he said quietly "it's really hard to tell who is gay sometimes". I again kept quiet, I hate myself sometimes. During our night out I was able to crack his back, compare our hands sizes, and you know little touching here and there. He just seems like such a tease though, because he seems into me and interested when we are in person. But while texting and stuff he seems not interested really. He also talks about things we should do together but he never then makes it happen, like play tennis or hang out again. Recently he told me he really likes butts as the main body part he fancies. Lastly, he always fixes his hair, looks in mirror at self and on Facebook seems to support gays. Sorry for just throwing my story down, hope it's not too confusing to follow. I'm looking for any advice on what I should do, if anything. Do you think he is a closet gay? Is my new friend hot for me like I'm for him? Or is he just a new friend who's straight and hot and friendly. If he is straight, why does he keep deep staring at me and say so many "closet" like comments/stories. HELP! What I want is to date/hook up with him or at least stay friends. Should I tell him I'm gay? Thanks for reading.
  • SilverRRCloud

    Posts: 901

    Feb 01, 2015 5:01 PM GMT
    OK. The dude has reached the gentle age of 18. Cut him some slack. You do not know many things about yourself at that age, though to many guys it seems that they know everything better than anyone else, precisely at that ageicon_biggrin.gif

    A practical thing here would be to keep the Big Gay Thing out of the loop for a while. You, yourself are not out, to start with... Stop short of expecting an even younger dude to spill out his beans right away.

    Understand that heterosexuality is a very fragile concept. Once it becomes known that you are messing around with other guys, or once you mention it to the people around you that you are gay, there is really very little chance you can reinvent yourself as a straight man in a seriously convincing manner. This is most likely, the actual source of his reservations.

    Instead of waiting for each other to come out, say that you are gay guys, etc., consider emphasizing that you are a totally private and discreet guy who would never "kiss and tell". Reduce the focus on all the things gay at this time. It is just too soon by all means.

    Continue to spend some time with your friend. Earn his trust and make sure that he earns yours. Allow for the nature to take its course in a safe and private environment. Stop short of attaching any colossal value to what is simply a private sexual encounter between two consenting guys exploring their sexuality. Part away with the notion that sex always necessarily implies life-long commitment associated with the big coming out and a complete change of your and his lifestyle, and adopt a sexually positive attitude that sex happens to be one of very basic human needs.


  • Destinharbor

    Posts: 4913

    Feb 01, 2015 5:22 PM GMT
    SC makes a lot of good points but I'm not sure I agree. One thing I do know is that for a gay guy, being out is better than closeted. That it's nearly impossible to get close to anyone if you're not being your authentic self. I'd suggest you simply say "I'm gay" to this new friend sometime when it won't require a big conversation and see where it goes. Even if he's straight, you'll be happier to not have to fake it with him. If he's gay, he may or may not be ready to admit it or come out to you but it will help him to not feel the need to put up the hetero front. And you'll have taken your first step out of the closet. Good luck! I've been there and get what you're going through.

    (And fill out your profile. No one will spot it and out you. Let people get to know you.)
  • Tig3r

    Posts: 139

    Feb 01, 2015 10:07 PM GMT
    Here's the question I am asking myself; Is your username mentioning him? 18 Being the age of the guy, and weed because the kid likes to smoke?
  • Zwee18

    Posts: 2

    Feb 01, 2015 10:16 PM GMT
    Hi. Just a nickname plus Payton Manning number! Thanks all for the replies, I appreciate it. I've been tormenting myself with this and want to make a plan. More advice the merrier. And I still need to complete my profile in here.
  • NeuralShock

    Posts: 411

    Feb 01, 2015 10:45 PM GMT
    6'5 with that height and weight would have me super hot and bothered if I was that guy too.

    But in all reality he has NO IDEA if you're gay or not. He has no clue, and is unlikely to make assumptions no matter how badly he wants it merely just due to his age.
  • SilverRRCloud

    Posts: 901

    Feb 02, 2015 5:55 AM GMT
    The key problem with the whole coming out=I am gay thing, in functional terms is that it does not translate automatically into a better sex life for the guy who braved the odds. icon_biggrin.gif

    I also agree that there is no great virtue in putting a false facade and pretending to be someone you are not. Yet, no one can really expect all the others to always tell them everything about themselves.

    By this very same token, all of us know a number of openly gay guys we would probably never touch even with a stick (no pun intended), simply because we find them not attractive enough. We know that they may be interested, and available. We know that they are gay. But no functional good comes out of it.

    To some guys who are either insecure about their sexuality (as you very well can be, at the age of 1icon_cool.gif; or who are in no position to come out (another possible drawback you may be facing if you are only 18, and possibly dependent on your family) hanging out with an openly gay guy may simply not be an option. Courage in life is greatly enhanced with experience and readily available resources.

    In real life terms, people have sex with each other mostly because they find each other attractive enough to develop some level of mutual intimacy. Very few people will find someone more desirable because he says, he is gay...


  • Destinharbor

    Posts: 4913

    Feb 02, 2015 6:12 AM GMT
    I think you're right for the 18yo guy but not the OP. His ultimate happiness is only when he comes out. Yup, if his guy can't be with him if he's out, then waiting may be the way to go. But they should be honest with each other.
  • wellwell

    Posts: 2266

    Feb 03, 2015 12:40 AM GMT
    If he's a Virgo, Dump Him!
  • steve2steeve

    Posts: 27

    Feb 03, 2015 7:51 PM GMT
    I was in a similar situation about a year ago...just head over heels over this guy, like love at first sight..still am...My problem was solved...found him on grindr!!!I had only recently started exploring my sexuality
    We are friends though, nothing happened,we live continents apart, I was there just for a short time,I told him how I felt about him, I thought I had to, my feelings for him took precedence over everything I was doing back then.If there's one guy for whom I wanna come out, its him,pity it'll never happen :-(
    I still think of him every single day....and btw he is drop dead gorgeous and he is out...
  • being_human

    Posts: 152

    Feb 05, 2015 5:58 AM GMT
    wellwell saidIf he's a Virgo, Dump Him!
    why so?
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    Feb 05, 2015 7:19 AM GMT
    Who knows what your best possible course of action is now - you kind of messed it up by not telling him you were gay the first time anything sexual was talked about. He may well be a closet case like you, and not willing to reveal his sexuality, because he concludes you are straight, because you said nothing. OTOH he could very well be straight - at least that's what he wants you to think.

    One advantage of meeting guys in gay venues if you are closeted, is everyone can assume everyone else is gay.

    If you want to become more honest gradually, you could admit to having "fooled around" with guys next time anything sexual is brought up.

    But do you really want to become involved with someone more closeted than you?