Not into serious relationship

  • patricky

    Posts: 7

    Feb 02, 2015 6:35 AM GMT
    So I met this guy way back in last year july. He first got me on a4a when I was traveling in town. Since I lived in far suburb he would drive to my place and we will have sex in his car.

    At first I didn't want to meet for a second time cause I thought that was just a one night stand. Then he texted me two weeks later and said he wanted to meet again.I struggled at first cause the sex wasn't that great, but eventually i agreed to meet again. And the sex was great this time. So, I invited him maybe we can meet in town on my birthday and get myself a birthday sex.icon_razz.gif

    He was very nice that night and he bought me a gife which I didn't expect from a two-night-one-night stand, and that's the greatest sex we both had ever had.(he told be after that night) Yet, there's one thing borther me is that he asked me did I love him during sex. I was confused cause I thought maybe that was just part of the dirtytalk.
    After that night we started meeting regularly. One night I went to his place. He took me to dinner, ride a bike by the lake, and I also slept over at his place. That was the time I started to have affection on him. From then on, we still meet in regular basis until he got busy and told me he had to work aboard and so we couldn't meet.

    At first I thought he was really busy cause he told me he worked in a big company. But after almost two month not seeing him I started wonder maybe he was avoiding me. I didn't believe a company will ask for an employee to stay in japan one month and NYC right after that and then Mexico again. Still, since I was really into him I decided to believe him. One day I texted him and told him I love you and will wait for him. In his text he always use words like honey, sweetie, baby and said he adore me forever kind of thing, so I thought maybe he was in love with me as well.

    I then kept asking him every week to see if he was free to meet;but he always use busy as an excuse. I knew that someting might be wrong but i still thought he was into me cause he still use intimidate words in our conversation.

    Until last friday, I went in town to do some works, which I asked him if we could meet and he said he had to go to NYC. I turned on the app but using a new different account without any photo. Suprisingly I got his text. At first I thought he figure out that was me cause I put on the same status. But as we talk I found out he didn't know that so I started catfishing him.... I never wanted to do that but somehow I was tired on waiting forever.Eventually I found out he was actually in town and was looking for RIGHT NOW. I reveal myself to him and text: I thought you where in NYC? If you don't want to see me why don't you tell me directly? (Which I told him right at the begining that if you don't want to see me anymore please tell me)

    I got his reply: Yeah sorry, I was trying to give you hints but I think you maybe like a stright forward style more. I was afraid it will get too serious. I never meant to hurt you. I think highly of you even you don't love me.

    I'm very sad and feel like a fool. I know that it is hard to get a relationship out of a hook-up site, but all that time of he saying I will adore you forever makes me feel even more like a stupid fool. All that time of me wanting to see him, he was just laughing on the other side. That is so curel for him to just disapear and try not to find me until I figure out he doesn't want to see me and make me disapear myself. All those time we spent together, leading me on, is like nothing. The first time loving a guy, what I get at the end is being told not into anything serious and a heartbreak.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 02, 2015 8:34 AM GMT
    a lot of good to be said dating a guy who can account for his time. Has a regular schedule. You get to meet his co-workers. else maybe you get to pick him up at the airport or sometimes he offers you to travel with him.

  • Destinharbor

    Posts: 4435

    Feb 02, 2015 4:50 PM GMT
    Some guys are just bad at giving bad news. They hate to hurt your feelings. I don't think he was laughing at you. You shouldn't feel like a fool. He was a nice guy that didn't know how to end the relationship. Don't start getting suspicious of other guys. Everyone is trying to get it right.
  • patricky

    Posts: 7

    Feb 02, 2015 6:01 PM GMT
    I knew that it wasn't going to end well cause somehow we are on a hook-up site. But what really hurt me is I actullay texted him once and told him at the time when he started saying he was busy that if he didn't want to see me just let me know, I won't brother him anymore. He didn't give me a simple YES but rather kept on going with all the lies. Not until I found out he was really avoiding me. I feel humiliated.
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    Feb 02, 2015 6:16 PM GMT
    Tl;dr

    I got to "sex in his car" and I started reminiscing.

    Thanks for the memories.

    Whatever happened you will survive. Time heals all wounds and wounds all heels.
  • patricky

    Posts: 7

    Feb 02, 2015 7:10 PM GMT
    averagejoe20s said
    patricky saidI knew that it wasn't going to end well cause somehow we are on a hook-up site. But what really hurt me is I actullay texted him once and told him at the time when he started saying he was busy that if he didn't want to see me just let me know, I won't brother him anymore. He didn't give me a simple YES but rather kept on going with all the lies. Not until I found out he was really avoiding me. I feel humiliated.


    Wow that's pretty much how it went with me too, it's his fault because you gave him an opportunity to leave. Hopefully he learns from this too, maybe he's just young and immature and doesn't know how to handle rejecting people in better ways


    I am nineteen and he is mid-thirty. Maybe I expected too much from a grown-up.
  • SilverRRCloud

    Posts: 875

    Feb 02, 2015 7:30 PM GMT
    This would be a sobering experience for anyone, let alone for a 19 y.o. dude.

    It would be wrong to assume that the whole thing went wrong simply because you met through a dating site. This is how most people are meeting these days.

    It is also true that the "I am very busy" is a popular shorthand for "sorry, no more, I am going to be looking for/dating/mating someone else". When it comes to satisfying their primal urges like sex, men have been known to do incredible things, let alone tame their schedules. He was hoping that you would catch his drift, and save him the trouble of the formal parting, but kept on with the farce later on simply because he either lacked the guts to spill out his beans or because he was trying not to burn the bridges, and use you as some sort of a spare option on a proverbial rainy night on Tuesday...

    One way or the other, it makes sense to basically run for the hills as soon as the guy pulls out his "I am too busy" card.

    A far more serious issue here is that you want to up your communication skills in vital matters.

    Sure, people tell other people all kinds of nonsense while they are having sex. It makes little sense to take this seriously. But it makes a lot of sense to recognize that the things do change, and that something with started as a NSA ONS bit of an affair progressed towards some regular dating, etc.. It always makes sense to talk honestly about your feelings with your partner.

    His response may be honest or not. But if you know that you did your best, there would absolutely no reason for you to blame yourself for anything or feel bad about it.

    Shrug with your shoulders, and move on. Lots of genuinely nice guys out there would love to date you.

    SC
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    Feb 02, 2015 9:02 PM GMT

    patricky, 30 years old doesn't = grown up.

    Now this: "All those time we spent together, leading me on, is like nothing. The first time loving a guy, what I get at the end is being told not into anything serious and a heartbreak."

    That's something I went through several times, before I finally met Bill.
  • patricky

    Posts: 7

    Feb 02, 2015 10:40 PM GMT
    I understand things change and maybe "I am busy" is the trend of breaking up, but I really think people, not just me, deserve a proper break up. Even though everything started with a NSA fun,we did spend time together. That is just so sad to think about. It's like he is denying all of the things that happened between us.
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    Feb 02, 2015 11:28 PM GMT
    You had sex on first meeting him. You sold yourself short and you expected him to value you?!

    Sorry to be so blunt but it's the truth. The truth is often ugly but it will set you free. In your case free from the illusion that you can treat yourself so cheaply and expect to be valued. You let a 30 something fuck you in a car at your first meeting and you expect to be treated like a queen? You should at least have insisted on a motel with clean sheets.

    Hey, don't get me wrong. I'm not judging you for having hook up sex I do it too. I just don't fall for the BS. I'm sure you won't either in the future.

    You were played - plain, pure, and simple.
  • patricky

    Posts: 7

    Feb 03, 2015 12:00 AM GMT
    UndercoverMan saidYou had sex on first meeting him. You sold yourself short and you expected him to value you?!

    Sorry to be so blunt but it's the truth. The truth is often ugly but it will set you free. In your case free from the illusion that you can treat yourself so cheaply and expect to be valued. You let a 30 something fuck you in a car at your first meeting and you expect to be treated like a queen? You should at least have insisted on a motel with clean sheets.

    Hey, don't get me wrong. I'm not judging you for having hook up sex I do it too. I just don't fall for the BS. I'm sure you won't either in the future.

    You were played - plain, pure, and simple.


    Sex in his car isn't the main point...but we in fact liked it in the car .... I understand it's a hook-up site, that was why I never thought it will go anywhere at first.I never expected a guy to value me for just a hook up, but what he did was definitely more than a hook-up to me. It's not like I can be in love with anyone that I had sex with.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 03, 2015 12:05 AM GMT
    UndercoverMan saidYou had sex on first meeting him. You sold yourself short and you expected him to value you?!

    Sorry to be so blunt but it's the truth. The truth is often ugly but it will set you free. In your case free from the illusion that you can treat yourself so cheaply and expect to be valued. You let a 30 something fuck you in a car at your first meeting and you expect to be treated like a queen? You should at least have insisted on a motel with clean sheets.

    Hey, don't get me wrong. I'm not judging you for having hook up sex I do it too. I just don't fall for the BS. I'm sure you won't either in the future.

    You were played - plain, pure, and simple.


    this.

    motel.

    with clean sheets.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 03, 2015 12:13 AM GMT
    moral of the story:

    it is better to spend your time learning good grammar than hooking up w. strangers to have some cheap cheap sex in cars.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 03, 2015 12:52 AM GMT
    patricky said
    UndercoverMan saidYou had sex on first meeting him. You sold yourself short and you expected him to value you?!

    Sorry to be so blunt but it's the truth. The truth is often ugly but it will set you free. In your case free from the illusion that you can treat yourself so cheaply and expect to be valued. You let a 30 something fuck you in a car at your first meeting and you expect to be treated like a queen? You should at least have insisted on a motel with clean sheets.

    Hey, don't get me wrong. I'm not judging you for having hook up sex I do it too. I just don't fall for the BS. I'm sure you won't either in the future.

    You were played - plain, pure, and simple.


    Sex in his car isn't the main point...but we in fact liked it in the car .... I understand it's a hook-up site, that was why I never thought it will go anywhere at first.I never expected a guy to value me for just a hook up, but what he did was definitely more than a hook-up to me. It's not like I can be in love with anyone that I had sex with.


    You are absolutely right; it's not the car. You sold yourself for cheap and you got treated cheaply. What did you expect? He saw an easy target and went back for more and sweet talked you and strung you along to get more bootay until he tired of you or something better came along or both.

    "...i still thought he was into me cause he still use intimidate [sic] words in our conversation. LESSON: ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS.

    If you keep letting this happen to you and in time you may just become another bitter, jaded thirtysomething gay guy doing the same thing to another generation of 19 year olds. And the wheel in the sky keeps on turnin'...

    "...makes me feel even more like a stupid fool..." We've all been in this position at one time or another. I know that doesn't make it any easier. I'm sorry you were hurt.
  • SilverRRCloud

    Posts: 875

    Feb 03, 2015 5:37 AM GMT
    Guys,

    A young dude used a hookup site, and ended having sex (Surprise!!!) with the dude he met in this dude's car.

    OK, this may sound cheap to many. But in practical life terms, few guys are willing to invest more time, money and energy into a NSA first hook up.

    Nope, the OP did not sell him cheap or anything. BOTH guys were looking for a simple NSA hookup. They went on with it, plain and simple.

    The notion that the OP would have been treated differently if he had insisted on having sex in a cheap motel or at the Ritz for that matter is very difficult to prove.

    A 30 y.o. dude who is hooking up for the NSA sex is doing what he is doing. He is not seeking LTRs, deep emotional involvement, etc.. I fully agree, that after a while, he either met someone hotter or got a bit bored with the OP, or both, and moved on. This is neither fair nor is it right to treat the people this way but this is how the NSA context functions. Once you enter the NSA world you take what comes with its territory. A simple fact of life.

    We can all now draw the conclusion here that raising the bar, and amply demonstrating that you are a 'difficult lay to get' would have changed the game for the benefit of the OP. Probably not. A dude would have just moved on anyway to the next willing guy, and the OP would have been denied a few hot sessions with the guy he found attractive.

    It is a fact of life that we all have our freedom of choice. Neither a NSA hook up nor a committed, monogamous relationship will ever amount to an absolute guarantee that one or both dudes will never decide to bail out, and look for someone else.

    SC

  • gaystuff2004

    Posts: 5

    Feb 03, 2015 9:54 AM GMT
    Hey, it happens. Sometimes when we really fall for a guy, but feel not ready for relationship yet, get frightened and totally refuse the affection having towards. The wonderful experience you had with him will take a long time to be repeated, I can feel it. Better you guys speak and get into a understanding that affection inclination is to be kept as pure affection and agreed not mature into relationship and flow with time. It may give both oof you guys an answer. There are some ripped affection refuse to fall in relationship. You cannot blame it. Just flow through it and lost within and experience it.
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    Feb 03, 2015 2:07 PM GMT
    Hey, Patricky - what I noticed in you post was, "i agreed to meet again. And the sex was great this time."

    That was great, that you had a sexual experience that was great. I hope you have many more. But you can't equate great sex with "love." It was fun, exciting, romantic even - but don't think you are falling "in love" after one night together. He had had enough and didn't want to hurt your feelings by being honest with you - but you were assuming too much. Hookups or "one night stands" can turn into relationships, but the odds of it happening are probably 1 in a hundred. It's easy - way too easy - to think you are in love when you're 19. We were all 19 at one time, and most of us experienced what you did. We got over it. You will. And probably a few more unrequited passions in your future. Have lots of partners in the future - just try not to fall in love so easily. Everyone experiences life and sex differently - in my case, I never slept with any guy I didn't really like - and there were probably 100 before I met my current partner - and I took something from each of them.
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    Feb 03, 2015 6:32 PM GMT
    I would suggest you try to look at this from a different perspective. I don't see you as being played as much as just being naive. You rushed into sex without really knowing someone and then a casual on-and-off relationship followed. Someone with more experience would have disregarded most of what he was saying to you about adoring you and so forth because, let's face it, words are cheap. Don't give up your heart so easily in the future. Have fun and see where things go and look to actions more than words.
  • toastvenom

    Posts: 1020

    Feb 04, 2015 7:30 PM GMT
    having too many one night stands I STRONGLY believe conditions dudes to become sociopaths, no investment, just use someone to occupy their time, and move on to the next stranger to give him that adrenaline rush of fucking someone anonymous. its not love most dudes are looking for its just the next high. and then we wonder why we cant "find" or "meet" anyone.