Circle of Friends: Gay, Straight, or Both

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    Jan 21, 2009 3:56 PM GMT
    While climbing last weekend, one of the older climbers asked me, "Do people in your circle of friends not do this kind of thing?"

    I replied, "This is my circle of friends."

    I believe, but don't know for certain, that he meant other gay guys.

    A few years ago, 99% of my friends were gay. Now, it's the reverse. I have one gay friend I play racquetball with, one other that has started kayaking, and I still spend time with my ex. Everyone else is straight. They don't judge me for my looks or my age, they don't expect me to have sex with them, and they respect both my abilities and limitations. They make me happy.

    Yet I continue to seek out the company of gay men, but I no longer know why. Habit? Trying to recapture something that no longer exists (i.e., a sense of community)? Birds of a feather...?

    Do you, in your recreational and athletic pursuits, want or need the company of other gay men, whether that be a team, organization, or one-to-one? Is it a non-issue? And have any of the other Canadians on this site noticed a change in the makeup of their social network since marriage was legalized?
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    Jan 21, 2009 4:13 PM GMT
    I think every gays reasons' for seeking out other gays is at the core related, while on the surface somewhat different.

    Some individuals are looking for love, some just want sex, some just need friendship but at the core we all want to see a bit of ourselves in the people we surround ourselves with.

    I don't mean we need carbon copies, just individuals that can relate to certain uniquely gay experiences. For example, coming out to your family and friends or discovering that you are gay, or even discovering you like men but not the stereotypical lifestyle, or discovering you're a bottom, whatever it is... these are things not easily discussed with individuals outside the gay community

    I really enjoy having individuals from all walks of life in my circle of friends because it provides me many perspective on life. Straights absolutely play an important part in grounding me and keeping me whole. However, my gay friends keep me connected to another part of me. Not an all consuming part of my life but just another aspect of who I am.

    Just my $0.02



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    Jan 21, 2009 5:29 PM GMT
    the only straight ppl in my life are either my girlfriends boyfriends or my family.

    I am never in a situation to really meet straight ppl and find myself not having any similarities with them when i do.

    the only thing my brother and i have in common is video games, i have a deep rooted love for them and he kinda likes them, but we also like completely different games. i have over 100 over 4 different systems an he has like . . . 2 and i have neither of the game he has lol

    i also work in a salon where all the guys are gay (so much fun lol) and when im not at work im at home with my gay roommate (who i know from highschool) i go to my b/fs or i visit my b/f at the bar he works.

    so im always around gay ppl

    i have a few straight friends form high school . . . but only one of them i still really talk to and see every so often when we both happen to be home.

    i enjoy my gay filled life.
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    Jan 21, 2009 5:49 PM GMT
    Mostly str8. I have two gay friends that I've known for years. I'm not consciously seeking gay-only friendships.

    I find it difficult to maintain a friendship with a gay man. Acquaintances, you bet - and plenty of those. But something more meaningful... not recently in the past several years. Either I want more than they can offer, or vice-versa, and the tension interferes with being friends, or they go queenerella godzilla on my ass.


    godzilla_ghidorah.jpg

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    Jan 21, 2009 6:50 PM GMT
    Have a complete mix - though my "daytime" friends tend to be straight - and my night time ones gay.

    Most of my sports groups are straight mates who are married or partnered up and dont socialise in the evening. My gay mates dont like sports that much - so i see them for socialising.

    Then i have a group of straight mates (invariably female) for travelling with - as the males (straight and gay) are mostly interested in going on the lash and not trying new things (sports/sight seeing etc). So i wander between a lot of worlds depending on what i want to do.
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    Jan 21, 2009 7:12 PM GMT
    I have a good mix of straight and gay friends. More and more people know about me now - and that is good. I still have to be straight arrow-boy for some of my older, stodgier clients - and that is o.k. It is fine keeping business and pleasure separate anyway.
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    Jan 21, 2009 7:43 PM GMT
    My circle of friends are mostly straight...The gay friends that I keep are enough to count on one hand, maybe 7 or 8. Most of my straight friends know what I am about, therefore, anything that they want to know about me, I will tell it like I see it & I have the ability to back up what I say. They know that I can stand up for myself & that's what they like about me.
    In my experience, hence, I hate reiterating myself, I had come to find out that my formerly large group of gay friends live for drama, games & the typical gay scene's mundane b.s., next to the disloyalty that lingers & the funny part is most of them are approaching 30 & still do not have any sense to know when to grow up & get some. That there, to me, is a MAJOR turn-off & I refuse to put myself in a situation that rubs me wrong in all places.

    Just my $0.02
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    Jan 21, 2009 7:57 PM GMT
    TheWayItIs saidThe gay friends that I keep are enough to count on one hand, maybe 7 or 8.


    Interesting hand you have there icon_razz.gif

    I've got a few gay acquaintances and 1 or 2 gay friends, but otherwise everyone else is straight. Having only been out for 4 months and being kind of particular when it comes to considering people friends, it's probably not a good indicator for the future, though. Met a lot of great people with a wide array of intentions in that time frame, to say the least lol.
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    Jan 21, 2009 8:04 PM GMT
    Being gay is a minimal qualifier amongst my friends. My friends are just a bunch of people I relate to, trust, ask advice of and talk to about mutual interests. Since I'm interested in a lot of non-gay specific subjects and activities, the fact of being 'gay' is relatively minor.
    There are, of course, times when I would only talk to my gay friends about gay issues (on a personal level), but that's about it.
    I'd say 20% of my friends are gay.
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    Jan 21, 2009 8:08 PM GMT
    I would say that nearly all of my "real" friends are straight with possibly one or two exceptions. (Just a a note I refer to acquaintances as friends too so '"real" friends' is meant to denote actual friends) I just seem to have more in common with my straight friends and tend to prefer the straight bars over the gay ones. I do, however, have tons of gay acquaintances with whom I socialize on certain occasions. I do sometimes feel that I should try to develop stronger relationships with my gay "friends" because sometimes it can be weird trying to talk to your straight buddy about gay issues or your sex life. I think if I were to live in a larger community with a more diverse gay population I would have a more balanced number of gay vs straight friends.
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    Jan 21, 2009 8:23 PM GMT
    I would have to say the majority of my friends are straight. Have a few gay friends, but not close enough (distance) to spend a lot of time with. My partner and I live in the burbs, work in fields not known to be filled with gay men, both would be considered "red neck". That being said, being openly gay in a redneck work place has never been a problem for either of us. Our small circle of friends are all straight. Don't have a problem with it. Heck we even own a RV, not a lot of gay men out there driving a truck and trailer around.

    The friends we have and would not trade for anything, That being said, having a few more gay friends would be cool. As a gay man I look at a lot of things a little differently than a straight person would. Sometimes its nice to be able to share those views with out having to explaining.
  • Latenight30

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    Jan 21, 2009 8:29 PM GMT
    the only straight people i deal with is in a professional enviroment.
    Friends as in go out to bars or hang- all gay. I go out to lunch with people I work with but it ends there. Oh and having "girl" friends even lesbians. Can't say I know 1. I had some great girl friends in college but since moving on I don't. I have friend who like hang out with girls, but I'm also in a relationship so doesn't offer much time to be palsy walsy with someone unless they are in my circle.
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    Jan 21, 2009 9:03 PM GMT
    straight, I have no gay friends.
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    Jan 22, 2009 2:26 AM GMT


    We have only a few gay friends - the rest are straight. We came here in a deliberate attempt to make more.
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    Jan 22, 2009 3:13 AM GMT
    I hate straight people, because I know from personal experience that most of them hate me. They vote against gay rights, they vote to deny us gay marriage, they lobby for the establishment of a Christian US Constitution that excludes me.

    A few exceptions, perhaps, but most of them want me dead, and they pray that will happen. Almost all of my friends are gay or lesbian. I have no use for most straights, and wish them as dead as they wish me. Tit for tat.

    When they get around to liking me, maybe I will like them. And if you say I should take the initiative, I ask why? They are the oppressors, they are the instigators of my misery, so why should the burden be upon me to humbly beg for their understanding?

    Straights have declared themselves my enemies, and good soldier that I've always been, I will fight them anywhere I can. Subtly & quietly, using whatever tools I have, but I will undermine and hurt them, in every way possible. Not until they acknowledge my full civil rights will I stop.
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    Jan 22, 2009 3:37 AM GMT
    Red_Vespa saidI hate straight people, because I know from personal experience that most of them hate me. They vote against gay rights, they vote to deny us gay marriage, they lobby for the establishment of a Christian US Constitution that excludes me.

    A few exceptions, perhaps, but most of them want me dead, and they pray that will happen. Almost all of my friends are gay or lesbian. I have no use for most straights, and wish them as dead as they wish me. Tit for tat.

    When they get around to liking me, maybe I will like them. And if you say I should take the initiative, I ask why? They are the oppressors, they are the instigators of my misery, so why should the burden be upon me to humbly beg for their understanding?

    Straights have declared themselves my enemies, and good soldier that I've always been, I will fight them anywhere I can. Subtly & quietly, using whatever tools I have, but I will undermine and hurt them, in every way possible. Not until they acknowledge my full civil rights will I stop.


    Our constitution, while eschewed in a "Christian" mold, really does promote a legal and promissory notion. It was designed for a fluid future. That equality means something. That the reasons for our declaration of independence ring loud, born out of the wrongs who consider themselves right or righteous.

    There are those who take it more literally (I would say I lean that way, but not rigidly), and those who take it more verbose, to mean a variety of "outcomes." That's important, because by it's virtue it causes 3 branches of government that can, and will, check each other, including it's stipulations of terms in power.

    I ought to be a better scholar of it in order to promote more understanding. I learn as I go. And try to relate what I can. I'm fond of the documents, not necessarily of those who grind down their intent. That's debatable of course. I'm a student, not a teacher.

    This is not the subject of this thread, but try not to be harsh on it. Many people before us... women's suffrage, civil rights and slavery... our determination as a diverse people, require relating one purpose... to form a more perfect union. It will never be perfect. It will always be about forming a more perfect union. I find beauty in that. Despite many deplorable moments in history. We, as a people, somehow find a way to do the right thing.
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    Jan 22, 2009 3:42 AM GMT
    My straight "friends" are homophobes so they got the boot.
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    Jan 22, 2009 4:04 AM GMT
    Living in a cosmopolitan city like Dubai, I notice that when it comes to forming amateur athletic teams, the main factors would be nationality ('cos sometimes they want it to be a 'national team' representation --which could be useful), physical built (depending on the game), religion (affects team-building methods i.e. drinking), and it's not apparent to me if sexual orientation counts (there is always someone teased as the homo of the group).
    The only thing that puts me off is the hazing initiation that I've witnessed myself, as I was tasked to take photos of them in one of their drunken initiation rites. They actually had no issues with me joining as long as I can play the game... but I haz to endure their r.i.t.e.s.
    I'm like, "Oh geez, I'm happy cheering for you guys on the sides with my pompoms, thanks!" icon_lol.gif
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    Jan 22, 2009 4:06 AM GMT
    Zim, what kind of rites? If it involves sodomizing each other then you are welcome to be detailed and specific...
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    Jan 22, 2009 4:17 AM GMT
    I could probably post a photo or two, but yes, it inspired me to create this thread:
    http://www.realjock.com/gayforums/387093
    So you're spot on.icon_exclaim.gif Though not necessarily "each other".
    Just me. icon_redface.gificon_razz.gificon_cool.gif
    If their girlfriends only knew... icon_wink.gif
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    Jan 22, 2009 4:48 AM GMT
    I would say 95% of my social universe is comprised of straight people. My closest circle of friends are essentially all straight. I do have a few very good gay/bi friends and some acquaintances outside of that.

    I often find that I don't relate well to most gay men that I meet in terms of mentality, common interests, etc. If we do get along well, usually one of us wants more than the other does. So to answer your question, I do seek out gay men in my athletic pursuits to some degree, because like a poster said earlier, we all seek people who mirror ourselves in some way. But it's not a deal breaker by any means.
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    Jan 22, 2009 5:00 AM GMT
    Being the only gay guy in Maine, I have solely Str8 friends
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    Jan 23, 2009 3:58 AM GMT
    I'm surprised (pleasantly) that so many here have mostly straight friends and that they value them so much. I thought it was because I lived in a smaller city or that my interests were abnormal.

    I'm going to nurture the relationships I have with my straight friends and let go of trying so hard to get the gay guys I meet to do things they clearly can't do or don't enjoy.
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    Jan 23, 2009 4:37 AM GMT
    I have no friends. I'm just one of those freaks that talks to strangers at the bus stop.
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    Jan 23, 2009 4:47 AM GMT
    26mileman saidI have no friends. I'm just one of those freaks that talks to strangers at the bus stop.
    woooooo HOT.. always like'd me a little freakezoid!!!!

    My mates are straight, I got one gay person I consider a friend (that isn't online)