First date strategy: to treat a date like a job interview?

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 04, 2015 6:09 AM GMT
    Hello guys has anyone done this? If so what were your experiences? Is it a successful strategy?
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    Feb 04, 2015 6:41 AM GMT
    Always require at least 3 references. And verify his employment history.
  • Svnw688

    Posts: 3350

    Feb 04, 2015 8:08 AM GMT
    I haven't done this. While I suppose one could, I suspect it would take all the excitement out of dating.

    The analogy I think of is treating sex like a science project. I COULD test a hypothesis during sex, but adding higher intellectual thought to the process would, err, take all the hotness away.

    Treating a date like a job interview, to me, is like the dancer who is perfect technically, but can't "let it go" and dance to the music fluidly. That dancer always comes off as stiff and robotic.

    Let it go and enjoy. Like sex or dancing, don't over-think it.icon_cool.gif
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    Feb 04, 2015 5:58 PM GMT
    Soccerboi said...a successful strategy?
    -observe how the date treats others, restaurant staff, etc.
    -what do you think / ask him; his belief systems are.
    -does he talk down on himself or others
    -does he own a dog, yes is good
    -ask your self / maybe ask him; if you committed a big relationship sin. Later in life he repeated the same thing. Would he be able to forgive you? Would he forgive himself as easy he forgave you?
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    Feb 04, 2015 8:52 PM GMT
    Wow guys wonderful feedback! Most of you agree that I should be myself and have fun.
  • NeuralShock

    Posts: 411

    Feb 04, 2015 10:34 PM GMT
    Whenever it feels like I am sitting down in interrogation I feel awkward and start to get a bit pissy.

    I strongly advise against treating it like an interview.
  • Noeton

    Posts: 208

    Feb 04, 2015 11:15 PM GMT
    This is not so different from a thread I started recently called "Avoiding bad dates."

    I hesitate to say this, but one thing I've learned in the two months or so that I've followed these forums is that not all sources of advice here come from people whose life experiences qualify them to give it. I'm not pointing at any one in particular, I think these categories probably fit multiple people, but, for example, dating advice from a grumpy old "sugar daddy" or a self-admitted "virgin" who "no one is interested in" may not be quite what you're looking for. Sounds harsh, I know, but it's part of reality here. Keep grains of salt at the ready.
  • NeuralShock

    Posts: 411

    Feb 04, 2015 11:23 PM GMT
    Noeton saidThis is not so different from a thread I started recently called "Avoiding bad dates."

    I hesitate to say this, but one thing I've learned in the two months or so that I've followed these forums is that not all sources of advice here come from people whose life experiences qualify them to give it. I'm not pointing at any one in particular, I think these categories probably fit multiple people, but, for example, dating advice from a grumpy old "sugar daddy" or a self-admitted "virgin" who "no one is interested in" may not be quite what you're looking for. Sounds harsh, I know, but it's part of reality here.

    Lol insulting me. How childish, 13 years older and bashing me, grow up.
  • Noeton

    Posts: 208

    Feb 04, 2015 11:29 PM GMT
    NeuralShock said
    Noeton saidThis is not so different from a thread I started recently called "Avoiding bad dates."

    I hesitate to say this, but one thing I've learned in the two months or so that I've followed these forums is that not all sources of advice here come from people whose life experiences qualify them to give it. I'm not pointing at any one in particular, I think these categories probably fit multiple people, but, for example, dating advice from a grumpy old "sugar daddy" or a self-admitted "virgin" who "no one is interested in" may not be quite what you're looking for. Sounds harsh, I know, but it's part of reality here.

    Lol insulting me. How childish, 13 years older and bashing me, grow up.


    Read it more carefully. It's obviously not an insult. And it doesn't specify you.
  • NeuralShock

    Posts: 411

    Feb 04, 2015 11:35 PM GMT
    Noeton said
    NeuralShock said
    Noeton saidThis is not so different from a thread I started recently called "Avoiding bad dates."

    I hesitate to say this, but one thing I've learned in the two months or so that I've followed these forums is that not all sources of advice here come from people whose life experiences qualify them to give it. I'm not pointing at any one in particular, I think these categories probably fit multiple people, but, for example, dating advice from a grumpy old "sugar daddy" or a self-admitted "virgin" who "no one is interested in" may not be quite what you're looking for. Sounds harsh, I know, but it's part of reality here.

    Lol insulting me. How childish, 13 years older and bashing me, grow up.


    Read it more carefully. It's obviously not an insult. And it doesn't specify you.

    It did specify me, you aren't nearly half as clever as me despite being old enough to have fathered me.

    And it IS an insult, my post is directly above yours and I stated MY OPINION. I didn't say it was law but I saw what I am comfortable with and not comfortable with.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 05, 2015 3:41 AM GMT
    When you think about it, dates are fairly similar to job interviews...and it is merely about what you say, but how you formulate your questions and how subtle you are at inserting them in the conversation. icon_wink.gif
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    Feb 05, 2015 12:15 PM GMT
    Make it an activity date and you can avoid this. It's a bit more natural.
  • MarvelClimber

    Posts: 511

    Feb 05, 2015 12:40 PM GMT
    If you date significantly older guys (10+ years), you'll probably find some will approach a date that way... only because they're trying to determine red flags or similarities to their exes. Guys like that are jaded or disillusioned, thinking they'll find their perfect guy by checking off a bunch of boxes. You're too young to do that.

    Eventually, you have to do things in a job you don't like. You sometimes have to blur the lines of truth in a job interview. You shouldn't have to do either of those things in a date. Dates should be fun and about finding a good connection that feels right.
  • Camz03

    Posts: 91

    Feb 05, 2015 11:25 PM GMT
    I treat first dates as a bit of both: an interview and just being myself.

    Mostly I am myself, but I can't help treading somewhat more cautiously initially. You'd be a fool to think first impressions didn't matter. If he still wants to see me after the first date I let my freak flag fly. If he doesn't want another date after that then we're not really a match. Honestly, I just try to treat my date like I would my best friend.

    But as Noeton pointed out, you should be wary of each poster's advice. I haven't exactly had many a successful LTR icon_razz.gificon_redface.gif
  • mybud

    Posts: 11829

    Feb 06, 2015 12:32 AM GMT
    Bombarding a guy with a lot of questions makes certain you don't have a second date.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 07, 2015 4:04 AM GMT
    Soccerboi saidHello guys has anyone done this? If so what were your experiences? Is it a successful strategy?


    hahahahaha HELL no!! Never do that, just be yourself, otherwise you wouldnt be able to do that icon_lol.gif
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    Feb 10, 2015 2:56 AM GMT
    Lol if a guy does this on a first date, i'd just simply call him out on it and end the date. First dates should be relax and fun, not an interrogation. I, once, walked out on a date and ignored him all night, went to a bar and hooked up with another guy after he asked too many questions and appeared to be hostile. I don't tolerate rudeness like that !!
  • Eli_jah

    Posts: 1391

    Feb 10, 2015 3:04 AM GMT
    Oh, I hate when that happens. When you feel like the guy is outright judging you and you can see the gears turning in his head. Can't we just vibe, and you know, talk to each other like human beings?

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    Feb 10, 2015 3:11 AM GMT
    try this instead...ask open end questions what does he like, what does he think. This is from NYtimes

    More than 20 years ago, the psychologist Arthur Aron succeeded in making two strangers fall in love in his laboratory. Last summer, I applied his technique in my own life, which is how I found myself standing on a bridge at midnight, staring into a man’s eyes for exactly four minutes.

    Let me explain. Earlier in the evening, that man had said: “I suspect, given a few commonalities, you could fall in love with anyone. If so, how do you choose someone?”

    He was a university acquaintance I occasionally ran into at the climbing gym and had thought, “What if?” I had gotten a glimpse into his days on Instagram. But this was the first time we had hung out one-on-one.

    “Actually, psychologists have tried making people fall in love,” I said, remembering Dr. Aron’s study. “It’s fascinating. I’ve always wanted to try it.”

    I first read about the study when I was in the midst of a breakup. Each time I thought of leaving, my heart overruled my brain. I felt stuck. So, like a good academic, I turned to science, hoping there was a way to love smarter.

    I explained the study to my university acquaintance. A heterosexual man and woman enter the lab through separate doors. They sit face to face and answer a series of increasingly personal questions. Then they stare silently into each other’s eyes for four minutes. The most tantalizing detail: Six months later, two participants were married. They invited the entire lab to the ceremony.

    “Let’s try it,” he said.

    Let me acknowledge the ways our experiment already fails to line up with the study. First, we were in a bar, not a lab. Second, we weren’t strangers. Not only that, but I see now that one neither suggests nor agrees to try an experiment designed to create romantic love if one isn’t open to this happening.

    I Googled Dr. Aron’s questions; there are 36. We spent the next two hours passing my iPhone across the table, alternately posing each question.

    They began innocuously: “Would you like to be famous? In what way?” And “When did you last sing to yourself? To someone else?”

    But they quickly became probing.

    In response to the prompt, “Name three things you and your partner appear to have in common,” he looked at me and said, “I think we’re both interested in each other.”

    Continue reading the main story
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    I grinned and gulped my beer as he listed two more commonalities I then promptly forgot. We exchanged stories about the last time we each cried, and confessed the one thing we’d like to ask a fortuneteller. We explained our relationships with our mothers.

    The questions reminded me of the infamous boiling frog experiment in which the frog doesn’t feel the water getting hotter until it’s too late. With us, because the level of vulnerability increased gradually, I didn’t notice we had entered intimate territory until we were already there, a process that can typically take weeks or months.

    I liked learning about myself through my answers, but I liked learning things about him even more. The bar, which was empty when we arrived, had filled up by the time we paused for a bathroom break.

    Continue reading the main story
    I sat alone at our table, aware of my surroundings for the first time in an hour, and wondered if anyone had been listening to our conversation. If they had, I hadn’t noticed. And I didn’t notice as the crowd thinned and the night got late.

    We all have a narrative of ourselves that we offer up to strangers and acquaintances, but Dr. Aron’s questions make it impossible to rely on that narrative. Ours was the kind of accelerated intimacy I remembered from summer camp, staying up all night with a new friend, exchanging the details of our short lives. At 13, away from home for the first time, it felt natural to get to know someone quickly. But rarely does adult life present us with such circumstances.

    The moments I found most uncomfortable were not when I had to make confessions about myself, but had to venture opinions about my partner. For example: “Alternate sharing something you consider a positive characteristic of your partner, a total of five items” (Question 22), and “Tell your partner what you like about them; be very honest this time saying things you might not say to someone you’ve just met” (Question 2icon_cool.gif.

    Much of Dr. Aron’s research focuses on creating interpersonal closeness. In particular, several studies investigate the ways we incorporate others into our sense of self. It’s easy to see how the questions encourage what they call “self-expansion.” Saying things like, “I like your voice, your taste in beer, the way all your friends seem to admire you,” makes certain positive qualities belonging to one person explicitly valuable to the other.

    It’s astounding, really, to hear what someone admires in you. I don’t know why we don’t go around thoughtfully complimenting one another all the time.

    We finished at midnight, taking far longer than the 90 minutes for the original study. Looking around the bar, I felt as if I had just woken up. “That wasn’t so bad,” I said. “Definitely less uncomfortable than the staring into each other’s eyes part would be.”

    He hesitated and asked. “Do you think we should do that, too?”

    “Here?” I looked around the bar. It seemed too weird, too public.

    “We could stand on the bridge,” he said, turning toward the window.

    The night was warm and I was wide-awake. We walked to the highest point, then turned to face each other. I fumbled with my phone as I set the timer.

    “O.K.,” I said, inhaling sharply.

    “O.K.,” he said, smiling.

    I’ve skied steep slopes and hung from a rock face by a short length of rope, but staring into someone’s eyes for four silent minutes was one of the more thrilling and terrifying experiences of my life. I spent the first couple of minutes just trying to breathe properly. There was a lot of nervous smiling until, eventually, we settled in.

    I know the eyes are the windows to the soul or whatever, but the real crux of the moment was not just that I was really seeing someone, but that I was seeing someone really seeing me. Once I embraced the terror of this realization and gave it time to subside, I arrived somewhere unexpected.

    Continue reading the main storyContinue reading the main story
    I felt brave, and in a state of wonder. Part of that wonder was at my own vulnerability and part was the weird kind of wonder you get from saying a word over and over until it loses its meaning and becomes what it actually is: an assemblage of sounds.

    So it was with the eye, which is not a window to anything but rather a clump of very useful cells. The sentiment associated with the eye fell away and I was struck by its astounding biological reality: the spherical nature of the eyeball, the visible musculature of the iris and the smooth wet glass of the cornea. It was strange and exquisite.

    When the timer buzzed, I was surprised — and a little relieved. But I also felt a sense of loss. Already I was beginning to see our evening through the surreal and unreliable lens of retrospect.

    Most of us think about love as something that happens to us. We fall. We get crushed.

    But what I like about this study is how it assumes that love is an action. It assumes that what matters to my partner matters to me because we have at least three things in common, because we have close relationshi
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 12, 2015 5:41 AM GMT
    It seems the majority of you say I shouldn't. I haven't done it myself I've always been myself and was curious if I tried that style. Thanks again everyone :-)
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    Feb 12, 2015 1:43 PM GMT
    I'd say yes, treat it like a job interview...but be the person being interviewed.

    Job interviews and dates are very similar to me. I tend to get nervous, talk too much, and try too hard to make a good impression.

    Many years ago, I was looking for a job and was having terrible interviews, so I decided to just relax and learn from each one. I went on every interview even if I was over-qualified or under-qualified for the job. Over time, I learned to relax and to be myself. I actually started to have fun because I wasn't desperate to change jobs and focused solely on my interview skills. I finally landed the perfect job, which I didn't even want at the beginning. I told them I'd stop by after a meeting I had and just chat with them because I wasn't certain I wanted the job. Thankfully, I took it because it got me out of the Midwest and to NYC.

    I took a similar approach to dating when I moved to NYC. The first date I ever set was with a gorgeous man...perfect face, perfect body, perfect everything. I was head over heels. He cancelled the date a 1/2 hour before we were supposed to meet and I was stuck at home on a Saturday night with nothing to do.

    After that, I decided to make dates doing things I wanted to do (art exhibition, movie, etc.) and planning to go regardless. If he flaked, it didn't matter because I still got to do what I wanted to do. I also agreed to meet people even if I didn't feel there would be any chemistry (like I did for job interviews). One person became my first friend in NY and is still a very close friend. I had some strange dates and some fun ones, but I learned from every single date. It became easier for me to spot the flakes, the crazies, and the phonies. I learned to trust my gut with people and it helped a lot. The most important part was that I wasn't nervous, I wasn't looking to meet Mr. Right, and I got to explore NY. By the time I met my partner, I was perfectly happy being single, which also made a big difference.

    If you focus on yourself it can make a big difference. If you are secure with who you are and have no problem being yourself, people will appreciate it.

    Hope this helps.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 12, 2015 4:59 PM GMT
    Noeton saidThis is not so different from a thread I started recently called "Avoiding bad dates."

    I hesitate to say this, but one thing I've learned in the two months or so that I've followed these forums is that not all sources of advice here come from people whose life experiences qualify them to give it. I'm not pointing at any one in particular, I think these categories probably fit multiple people, but, for example, dating advice from a grumpy old "sugar daddy" or a self-admitted "virgin" who "no one is interested in" may not be quite what you're looking for. Sounds harsh, I know, but it's part of reality here. Keep grains of salt at the ready.


    --Hurtful

    I would shed a tear but Hubby is already questioning my masculinity after my reaction to a ASPCA commercial.


    To the Op: Treating a date like job interview assumes the guy really wants/needs the job. In this regard, you'd have to be in high unemployment area.