Do you feel any sympathy for the wives or girlfriends of DL cases?

  • wesv

    Posts: 907

    Feb 05, 2015 2:57 AM GMT
    I'm so tired of seeing countless guys on the down low trying to hook up with out guys. I see it as an ethical issue. Their integrity is to be questioned and their opposite sex partners are being fed with lies. I hate having to hear about people doing things like this--living a lie.
  • NeuralShock

    Posts: 411

    Feb 05, 2015 3:12 AM GMT
    I personally couldn't be with someone who is so willing to disregard their SO's feelings.


    But you know what? If the opportunity arised where I could get away with being with them for a temporary burst of time I just might take it.

    Part of me also would want to see the chaos icon_lol.gif
  • Tig3r

    Posts: 139

    Feb 05, 2015 3:15 AM GMT
    There was actually a book (And if someone may know the authors name or the title of the book that would be greatly appreciated), where it was about the trials of a young gay african american, where him and his best friend were on the "DL" and his friend contracted HIV from another sexual partner and ended up giving it to his wife. Fearing that the author may have contracted something, he informed his wife (whom he was engaged too) and she cut it off then and their.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 05, 2015 3:50 AM GMT
    Besides that it is not just gay men, but lesbians afraid to be themselves who marry hetero guys, or transpeople who might not have faced themselves when younger or for whatever other reason might not have come to terms with their identity until later in life; besides that it is not just anyone isolated from society but those living in relative freedom yet finding themselves bound by peer or family pressure whether real or perceived, or maybe it is someone living in a repressive society whereby not living as a str8 person could result in death, besides all that, do we allow in judging others their downlow behaviors and ramifications the conditions into which we are born, having been subjected to the hegemony of church sanctioned heterosexuality for, what, does anyone have the time, some two thousand years now, at least?

    Downlow is not just a black gay guy and certainly not a black and white issue. Ethics paint onto that canvas in watercolor. Being in an intimate relationship with a downlow gay man, did she not have a clue or was she in as much denial, living as much of her own lie as he required to feel safe in this world and as she did to try and keep him?

    And then once someone starts becoming more self-aware and brave enough to face the world, is there a time limit on the transition? Is downlow ever at all acceptable? Understandable? Unavoidable?

    It's complicated.
  • Apparition

    Posts: 3516

    Feb 05, 2015 4:03 AM GMT
    real men dont cheat
  • wesv

    Posts: 907

    Feb 05, 2015 4:05 AM GMT
    Apparition saidreal men dont cheat


    That's right. Don't we all appreciate integrity?
  • Tig3r

    Posts: 139

    Feb 05, 2015 4:07 AM GMT
    Apparition saidreal men dont cheat

    Ironic considering a week ago, I believe there was a thread where it seemed alot of RJ would be in an open relationship lol
  • AMoonHawk

    Posts: 11406

    Feb 05, 2015 4:39 AM GMT
    cheating is cheating, no matter which sex they're doing it with, and whether their married or not. .... but then again there are those partners, male or female, that know exactly what they are getting into and for some reason they just refuse to accept reality .... those are the one's I don't feel sorry for.
  • Apparition

    Posts: 3516

    Feb 05, 2015 4:49 AM GMT
    Tig3r said
    Apparition saidreal men dont cheat

    Ironic considering a week ago, I believe there was a thread where it seemed alot of RJ would be in an open relationship lol


    it isnt cheating if their partner accepts the extra sex. it is the hiding of it that is cheating.
  • MikeW

    Posts: 6061

    Feb 05, 2015 1:59 PM GMT
    Tig3r saidshe cut it off then and their.

    icon_eek.gificon_eek.gificon_eek.gif
  • genotype2013

    Posts: 19

    Feb 05, 2015 2:01 PM GMT
    I have a problem with men/women telling men how to be men. With that said, Humans have a tendency to lie to THEMSELVES. I don't feel sorry for women or men who are cheated on simply because it is impossible for people to lie to you, if you just pay attention. Body language does not lie. Facts don't lie. For myself, I just take it for granted that if I'm not paying attention, emotionally, sexually or otherwise to my partner, they will go somewhere else.
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    Feb 05, 2015 2:55 PM GMT
    I don't presume to judge.

    Maybe they know, maybe they don't. Maybe they pretend not to know. I am not sure. Regardless, society holds these guys in their place and their partners can do just as much to fuel that. Or they can could let him experiment. Who knows..
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    Feb 05, 2015 5:18 PM GMT
    I feel sympathy for them . If you are in a serious relationship or married , you shouldn't stray , you should respect your partner or leave the relationship .
    I was always attracted to both sexes , the women or men i have dated was told right at the beginning of the relationship , and i always kept my promise of monogamy .
  • Destinharbor

    Posts: 4433

    Feb 05, 2015 5:35 PM GMT
    Adam228 saidI don't presume to judge.

    Maybe they know, maybe they don't. Maybe they pretend not to know. I am not sure. Regardless, society holds these guys in their place and their partners can do just as much to fuel that. Or they can could let him experiment. Who knows..

    I agree. I lived in the straight world forever and one thing I know is you really don't have any idea what's going on behind closed doors in a marriage. People have a thousand motivations for the choices they make and it is presumptuous to think that you know better than they what they need in a marriage. And you'd usually be wrong, too. Whether you choose to be with a married guy is your choice but there's no need to judge either the guy or his wife. And certainly no reason to say they're "living a lie."

    What about with a guy married to a guy? I had a note from a guy just a day or two ago who was looking for some extracurricular from his husband. He said his husband no longer wants sex but he couldn't live without the guy. Which I totally understand. So who knows?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 05, 2015 5:48 PM GMT
    Destinharbor said
    Adam228 saidI don't presume to judge.

    Maybe they know, maybe they don't. Maybe they pretend not to know. I am not sure. Regardless, society holds these guys in their place and their partners can do just as much to fuel that. Or they can could let him experiment. Who knows..

    I agree. I lived in the straight world forever and one thing I know is you really don't have any idea what's going on behind closed doors in a marriage. People have a thousand motivations for the choices they make and it is presumptuous to think that you know better than they what they need in a marriage. And you'd usually be wrong, too. Whether you choose to be with a married guy is your choice but there's no need to judge either the guy or his wife. And certainly no reason to say they're "living a lie."

    What about with a guy married to a guy? I had a note from a guy just a day or two ago who was looking for some extracurricular from his husband. He said his husband no longer wants sex but he couldn't live without the guy. Which I totally understand. So who knows?


    I do judge, and about everyone and everything. I'd be squandering the brain that the Creator gave me if I didn't, and that, to my mind - if not soul - would be sinful. Of course, others are free to judge or not to, and to judge me as well; that's part of the bargain. But, I'm comfortable w/ the majority of the judgment calls I've made over the course of my life, and I believe that others would be too if they made similarly informed and dispassionate ones. To not judge is the coward's cop-out; see, Pontius Pilate, generally.
  • Destinharbor

    Posts: 4433

    Feb 05, 2015 5:54 PM GMT
    MGINSD said
    Destinharbor said
    Adam228 saidI don't presume to judge.

    Maybe they know, maybe they don't. Maybe they pretend not to know. I am not sure. Regardless, society holds these guys in their place and their partners can do just as much to fuel that. Or they can could let him experiment. Who knows..

    I agree. I lived in the straight world forever and one thing I know is you really don't have any idea what's going on behind closed doors in a marriage. People have a thousand motivations for the choices they make and it is presumptuous to think that you know better than they what they need in a marriage. And you'd usually be wrong, too. Whether you choose to be with a married guy is your choice but there's no need to judge either the guy or his wife. And certainly no reason to say they're "living a lie."

    What about with a guy married to a guy? I had a note from a guy just a day or two ago who was looking for some extracurricular from his husband. He said his husband no longer wants sex but he couldn't live without the guy. Which I totally understand. So who knows?


    I do judge, and about everyone and everything. I'd be squandering the brain that the Creator gave me if I didn't, and that, to my mind - if not soul - would be sinful. Of course, others are free to judge or not to, and to judge me as well; that's part of the bargain. But, I'm comfortable w/ the majority of the judgment calls I've made over the course of my life, and I believe that others would be too if they made similarly informed and dispassionate ones. To not judge is the coward's cop-out; see, Pontius Pilate, generally.

    Well, that doesn't surprise me. It is the Republican Christian (or any fundamentalist) who believes he knows best and judges. It is a simple outlook on life. I believe in a bit more complexity and especially in the relationship of a married couple. And I don't presume.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 05, 2015 5:58 PM GMT
    life is a long winding road; i predict you, who throws the fist stone, will cheat on your significant other.


    hope the next generation on young-ins just coming out to a more accepting family will fair better in the self discovery department.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 05, 2015 6:09 PM GMT
    There would be a lot fewer DL guys if out gay guys weren't so willing to rationalize having NSA sex with whomever comes along.
  • SENCGuy1

    Posts: 247

    Feb 05, 2015 6:29 PM GMT
    I agree with the OP. Ethics and integrity should matter. Cheating is cheating.
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    Feb 05, 2015 6:46 PM GMT
    Destinharbor said
    MGINSD said
    Destinharbor said
    Adam228 saidI don't presume to judge.

    Maybe they know, maybe they don't. Maybe they pretend not to know. I am not sure. Regardless, society holds these guys in their place and their partners can do just as much to fuel that. Or they can could let him experiment. Who knows..

    I agree. I lived in the straight world forever and one thing I know is you really don't have any idea what's going on behind closed doors in a marriage. People have a thousand motivations for the choices they make and it is presumptuous to think that you know better than they what they need in a marriage. And you'd usually be wrong, too. Whether you choose to be with a married guy is your choice but there's no need to judge either the guy or his wife. And certainly no reason to say they're "living a lie."

    What about with a guy married to a guy? I had a note from a guy just a day or two ago who was looking for some extracurricular from his husband. He said his husband no longer wants sex but he couldn't live without the guy. Which I totally understand. So who knows?


    I do judge, and about everyone and everything. I'd be squandering the brain that the Creator gave me if I didn't, and that, to my mind - if not soul - would be sinful. Of course, others are free to judge or not to, and to judge me as well; that's part of the bargain. But, I'm comfortable w/ the majority of the judgment calls I've made over the course of my life, and I believe that others would be too if they made similarly informed and dispassionate ones. To not judge is the coward's cop-out; see, Pontius Pilate, generally.

    Well, that doesn't surprise me. It is the Republican Christian (or any fundamentalist) who believes he knows best and judges. It is a simple outlook on life. I believe in a bit more complexity and especially in the relationship of a married couple. And I don't presume.


    My judgment: tiresome.
  • Destinharbor

    Posts: 4433

    Feb 05, 2015 6:56 PM GMT
    MGINSD said
    Destinharbor said
    MGINSD said
    Destinharbor said
    Adam228 saidI don't presume to judge.

    Maybe they know, maybe they don't. Maybe they pretend not to know. I am not sure. Regardless, society holds these guys in their place and their partners can do just as much to fuel that. Or they can could let him experiment. Who knows..

    I agree. I lived in the straight world forever and one thing I know is you really don't have any idea what's going on behind closed doors in a marriage. People have a thousand motivations for the choices they make and it is presumptuous to think that you know better than they what they need in a marriage. And you'd usually be wrong, too. Whether you choose to be with a married guy is your choice but there's no need to judge either the guy or his wife. And certainly no reason to say they're "living a lie."

    What about with a guy married to a guy? I had a note from a guy just a day or two ago who was looking for some extracurricular from his husband. He said his husband no longer wants sex but he couldn't live without the guy. Which I totally understand. So who knows?


    I do judge, and about everyone and everything. I'd be squandering the brain that the Creator gave me if I didn't, and that, to my mind - if not soul - would be sinful. Of course, others are free to judge or not to, and to judge me as well; that's part of the bargain. But, I'm comfortable w/ the majority of the judgment calls I've made over the course of my life, and I believe that others would be too if they made similarly informed and dispassionate ones. To not judge is the coward's cop-out; see, Pontius Pilate, generally.

    Well, that doesn't surprise me. It is the Republican Christian (or any fundamentalist) who believes he knows best and judges. It is a simple outlook on life. I believe in a bit more complexity and especially in the relationship of a married couple. And I don't presume.


    My judgment: tiresome.

    My judgement: smug.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 05, 2015 7:16 PM GMT
    Apparition saidreal men dont cheat
    ...

    *looks about the room & rolls eyes*
    Still wondering what the definition of a real man is...
    I know what a cheat is & I also know what a contemptible slug leaves behind. People, period, cheat because they're about having their cake & eating it too. The fact of the matter is, once a cheat, always. I get plenty of guys on the DL that try to talk to me; 4 words make them run in the other direction: DL men cost extra(: in case you're wondering, hell yeah, I'm going to hit that wallet! You play, you pay.

    Why try to sugarcoat/be slick or on the DL with what you're really about to someone who is openly gay? They open themselves up to get exposed & for those that think they can change someone, go ahead with the wear & tear you're ready to put to your body.

    You cannot spin gold from salted garbage, 'nuff said.
  • Destinharbor

    Posts: 4433

    Feb 05, 2015 7:19 PM GMT
    W8n2Xhale_Remixed said
    Apparition saidreal men dont cheat
    ...

    *looks about the room & rolls eyes*
    Still wondering what the definition of a real man is...
    I know what a cheat is & I also know what a contemptible slug leaves behind. People, period, cheat because they're about having their cake & eating it too. The fact of the matter is, once a cheat, always. I get plenty of guys on the DL that try to talk to me; 4 words make them run in the other direction: DL men cost extra(: in case you're wondering, hell yeah, I'm going to hit that wallet! You play, you pay.

    Why try to sugarcoat/be slick or on the DL with what you're really about to someone who is openly gay? They open themselves up to get exposed & for those that think they can change someone, go ahead with the wear & tear you're ready to put to your body.

    You cannot spin gold from salted garbage, 'nuff said.

    Interesting point of view...
  • FRE0

    Posts: 4862

    Feb 05, 2015 8:22 PM GMT
    Apparition said
    Tig3r said
    Apparition saidreal men dont cheat

    Ironic considering a week ago, I believe there was a thread where it seemed alot of RJ would be in an open relationship lol


    it isnt cheating if their partner accepts the extra sex. it is the hiding of it that is cheating.


    But how can you be certain that acceptance is truly voluntary? In many cases, the partner may feel pressured by the possible consequences of not accepting.
  • FRE0

    Posts: 4862

    Feb 05, 2015 8:23 PM GMT
    Tig3r saidThere was actually a book (And if someone may know the authors name or the title of the book that would be greatly appreciated), where it was about the trials of a young gay african american, where him and his best friend were on the "DL" and his friend contracted HIV from another sexual partner and ended up giving it to his wife. Fearing that the author may have contracted something, he informed his wife (whom he was engaged too) and she cut it off then and their.


    Their what?