Broke up with boyfriend. Talking it out?

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    Jan 21, 2009 8:24 PM GMT
    I just made a huge long-winded post, and RJ fucked up on me, not posting it. *sigh*

    Long story short...

    I had been going out with my boyfriend for 10 months. I love him dearly, and love being in his arms more than any place in the world. Yeah, yeah, mush mush.

    I haven't been sexually satisfied during this time. He's not really into the same things I am, isn't the right kind of top for me, and isn't quite the right bottom either. This has led to a lot of sexual frustration, and I've talked with him about it a few times. Nothing has changed. He sees it as my job to come up with a solution, and isn't willing to come up with anything on his own. I'm a kinky size queen, and he is not. At all.

    We don't have much in common. He's 14 years my senior. He's into catchy pop tunes, I'm into punk rock. I'm into extreme sports and fire spinning, he's not into anything dangerous at all. Though there are times I'd like to have a guy that'll go to a rock show with me, we've always seen our differences as strengths. We can share our experiences through talking, and it gives us a completely different point of view on situations that come up.

    We've fought several times about trust. He doesn't seem to trust me that I'm not going to cheat on him. I never have, never would, and have told him this many times. Last week I caught him going through 2 of my email accounts on my computer (I save passwords, personal computer). He opened all of my emails that were sent by guys. When I confronted him about it, at first he made up a story. I called bullshit, and he said that he was just feeling insecure because I don't share my feelings openly, and that I'm not sexually satisfied, so he thinks (once again) that I'll go to someone else. I told him I needed some time to think alone, and a few days later (Monday this week) broke up with him.

    He wants to work it out. I still love him, but am not willing to compromise on the lack of sexual satisfaction. The trust issues have to go too. I'm just not sure that anything will change though if we got back together. I'm talking to him tomorrow night about it after work.

    Has anyone been in a similar situation? Have you ever been unsatisfied sexually with a lover at first, and did things change? I understand the saying "you can't teach an old dog new tricks", but I was inexperienced once, and was trained quite well. What if you didn't have much in common? I really care about this man, but don't want to sacrifice my own needs either. What would you do?

    (sorry for the long-winded post, but trust me, it's not as long as the last time i typed it, haha)
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    Jan 21, 2009 11:16 PM GMT
    It either works or it doesn't. When it does work, gay love is one of the most beautiful things in the world. But statistically, lasting gay love is hard to find.

    Most of the time it's like paper towels: use once and throw away. Sometimes things change over time, but not often for the better. You might need to start over with a clean slate.
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    Jan 21, 2009 11:28 PM GMT
    I was in a similar situation as you.. we were together for 7 years.

    after I think like 2 years I caught him going through my emails and when I confronted him he bullshitted me until I showed him proof.. we worked it out, but, after that, I never really trusted him again about my computer, I used to keep a password on it and keep it looked out, he never knew how to access all that stuff, same with my phone..

    Inevitably I couldn't develop that trust again, I had trust for him in other ways and I had nothing to hide, had he asked honestly and upfront, I would tell him everything he wanted to know and been 100% honest, not that there was anything to tell mind you..

    It'll come down to it, do you love him enough to move past this? can you find it in your heart to trust him again, to both set down rules that you will both abide by and never cross, can he, promise, with all his worth, that he will never break your trust like that again..

    If he can and you can find it in your heart to forgive him and build that trust up again, then you can work it out.

    hes also gotta understand that a relationship is between two people, not just one.
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    Jan 22, 2009 2:49 AM GMT
    I don't have much of advice. I was in a sexual frustrating situation. I loved him, and still do. Sex plays an important part in relationship to me. If it doesn't work out, there is really nothing we can do...
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    Jan 22, 2009 6:05 AM GMT
    Thanks for the advice guys. I'll let you know how it turns out.
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    Jan 22, 2009 6:08 AM GMT


    Hey pyrotech,

    You've said a lot about what doesn't work between you.
    All you've said about what does work is,
    "I love him dearly, and love being in his arms more than any place in the world. Yeah, yeah, mush mush."

    So, WHY do you love being in his arms more than any place in the world?

    You're clearly more experienced, creative, sexually charged, so it would seem natural that you'd be the guide to inventive sex, and that he'd look up to you, so to speak....

    "He's not really 'big' enough for me, and doesn't last long enough"
    "When I top him, within a few minutes, he has to stop, saying I'm hurting him. He's not much of a bottom, and tells me I'm only the 3rd guy that's topped him (I hear that all the time though, something magical about the number 3). This has led to a lot of sexual frustration, and I've talked with him about it a few times."
    "I'm a kinky size queen"

    ...if you've spoken to him about the above and in that way, he could well be expected to have issues with trust and low self esteem and worries you'd cheat, especially if he knows from you that he's lousy in bed... or is he just inexperienced and not had the opportunities you've had? How would you feel about him learning from someone else, and then watching him get a huge sex life with others, or make a mistake and come down with something awful? These sentences are not to cause offense (apologies) but rather to help you think about how you feel.

    We can only offer you the above because you've given almost none of the pluses that brought you together in the first place.

    There's a lot more to love than making love. He can't become a better sexual partner from an ultimatum.

    If you feel it's better for him and for you, then please do not go back!
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    Jan 22, 2009 1:16 PM GMT
    meninlove said
    So, WHY do you love being in his arms more than any place in the world?

    You're right, I didn't mention it much this time. That was a paragraph that I'd typed in the original post that got deleted.
    I love being in his arms because he is such a nice, sweet, really smart, funny, handsome man that makes me feel great inside just by smiling at me. I love his attitude on life, his laugh, and his values. I love how he makes me want to be a better person in general.


    You're clearly more experienced, creative, sexually charged, so it would seem natural that you'd be the guide to inventive sex, and that he'd look up to you, so to speak....

    I agree. But when the inventive sex that I enjoy is not something he's into, I feel as though I'm stuck suppressing all of my kinks, when I want to share them with another person. And it's not as though I'm saying we have to have kinky sex whenever we sleep together; I don't feel that way at all. And it's not as if I'm saying "We have to do this, or I'm outa here" either. I'm just saying, a top should find out what his bottom likes, and make sure both partners are benefiting. And if you want to learn how to be a good top, you're going to have to bottom to see how things feel.


    ...if you've spoken to him about the above and in that way, he could well be expected to have issues with trust and low self esteem and worries you'd cheat, especially if he knows from you that he's lousy in bed... or is he just inexperienced and not had the opportunities you've had?

    I should have been more clear. I've never mentioned his size to him. I've told him that he hasn't been hitting my prostate, and was trying to teach him to control orgasms (to hold it off, think about something else, pull out if necessary), but he just couldn't do it. I've bought us a ton of toys, rings, and leather things, but he doesn't like to use them on / with me. But I've always been diplomatic about how I talk to him about sex. I don't want to hurt his feelings.


    How would you feel about him learning from someone else, and then watching him get a huge sex life with others, or make a mistake and come down with something awful?

    I would feel horrible. I'll leave the rest for rhetoric.


    There's a lot more to love than making love. He can't become a better sexual partner from an ultimatum.

    You're right, he can't. I feel to become a sexual partner, you have to have a patient teacher, be a willing student, and get plenty of practice. All 3 of these have to be in place though, none can really be left out.
    There is more to love than making love. I don't see the two as equal. However, relationships take more than love to make them work. I may be chasing a pipe dream, but I really want the whole package.
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    Jan 22, 2009 3:30 PM GMT


    Thanks pyrotech, we were worried that you'd take a bit of offense at our being, erm, prying.

    Your second post is very enlightening and shows a whole dimension of you that was missing!
    Your heart's in the right place, and yes, sex IS important. Have you tried books or sex-ed counsel with him? He should realize that to love is also to try make someone happy, and will benefit him too (learning to experiment).

    In this respect, taking a break is a good thing to do, as it's only been 10 months - and the stamina of years and a commitment of permanence needs to be considered. You're right in a sense, that it takes more than love to make a relationship work. We tend to look at it this way - love is the fuel for the engine in the car. The car is the relationship.

    We're really really sorry the toys didn't go down well. Basically you handed him the keys to your sexual happiness (which he should have grabbed like a brass ring at a fair) and he won't,(maybe from hang-ups), take them and play.

    If you love him and are in love with him, we'd recommend standing back (you have) but not hooking up with anyone else. Wait and see. Is he/are you still communicating? A display of fidelity even after breaking up will tell him you not only mean business, but that your heart is true, that he may loose something he really does want, that he'll have to grow in love in order to keep it, and that you're giving living proof of fidelity even though fidelity is NOT required once you've broken up. (gosh, hope that wasn't too muddy) There's also the aspect of you holding off a little for him to see if life without you is better than experimentation and relaxing into flexibility.


    We wish you every success, and thanks for considering our thoughts on this!

    - us meninlove

    PS message us if you like
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    Jan 23, 2009 6:00 PM GMT
    So after thinking more about what MenInLove said, I thought a lot about why I fell in love with my boyfriend in the first place. After talking it out with him, and realizing that while we've got a lot of work to do in the area of trust, we decided that the good far outweighs the bad. We're going to try to work it out, and communicate more about what our needs are, and whether or not they are being fulfilled.

    I'm going to be "training" my boyfriend so-to-say. After thinking about what MIL said about him going out and letting others train him and basically becoming a slut, I didn't want that for him, and would be devastated if he ever caught anything due to me being a bitch about sex.

    Like I said, I love him very much, and we're going to try to work things out. Whether things work out for us or not, at least we will have tried instead of giving up all-together.
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    Jan 23, 2009 6:20 PM GMT


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