I think i need help

  • morebeer77

    Posts: 4

    Feb 09, 2015 10:40 PM GMT
    I'm sure there has been multiple posts on this topic. I am middle aged and not out gay. I have since i was a teenager had bouts of sadness which in hindsight i guess might be depression. These bouts hang around for a long time and eventually i pull myself out of it. When I was younger I was physically abused (by a parent) and have a lot of trouble trusting people. I couldn't bring myself to come out because i didn't trust people far enough to tell them. I have a partner (for several years) and the depression abated for most of the time I have been together. Recently I have had a friend with a mental illness who i have been spending time with and I also came across the parent that was abusive and between the two of these things I have fallen back into this black mood. I tried talking to my partner about it but I don't think he gets it. I've been thinking about this and I think I never accepted being Gay (parents were religious too) so I still don't feel right being who I am. I even have trouble writing it in this post. I feel like I am unworthy of having such a good person with me. I don't see what he sees in me. I tried talking to an online service here where i live and they referred me to a religious organisation and can't ever bring myself to go to that.

    Does that make any sense to anyone icon_sad.gif
  • Destinharbor

    Posts: 4435

    Feb 09, 2015 10:49 PM GMT
    I think you need help, too, mate. I've had some good and bad experience with the mental health profession but some people just can't maintain their chemical balance. It isn't necessarily anything to do with your background. Call the public health service again and this time tell them that you're not a fan of religion and need a secular service. Adelaide is a pretty big city and while I don't know how your health system works, I feel sure there are resources available. And tell you partner that you're going into a funk. Don't be shy with him. Lean on him to help you find help. We all like to feel needed.
  • morebeer77

    Posts: 4

    Feb 13, 2015 10:50 AM GMT
    thanks
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Feb 13, 2015 5:56 PM GMT
    Google betrayal trauma. I'm familiar because I was subjected to that during a period of mourning late in lfe when I was badly betrayed by loved ones. Though it has been years already, I am still learning how to cope with it.

    Possibly because I had such a loving earlier life, I very much can feel in my head the damage done to me later in life. If the courts so allowed, I sue their fucking balls off. Because the damage is physical. Psychological is physical. The brain is physical. The neurological connections are physical. The damage is real so you have to come to accept that and then work towards fixing where possible and mitigating when that's the best we can do. You can regrow skin; you can't regrow an arm, but you can find a way around even an amputation.

    Betrayal trauma is pretty much a sort of post traumatic stress disorder, possibly there for life once the damage is done, and it occurs when your trust is broken by the actions of someone or some system be that a family member, friend, organization, country, etc, of which or whom you had relied upon (gotten used to, required, et al) as a fundamental source of essential human values & requirements (food, shelter, love, security, etc. ).

    The parent who abused you betrayed your trust, the violation of that social contract damaged the physical pathways of your brain not unlike seeing there a chair, turning your back to it to sit down and having someone pull it out from under you when you fully expected the chair to be there. The abuser didn't merely abuse you but pulled the rug out from under you. They had no right and in a just world they'd be made to pay amends. But this is not that. Here in this fucked up world we are on our own. And scumbags everywhere have free reign to abuse those they claim to love. They are pieces of walking shit but there you have it. Welcome to the world.

    Sometimes I don't even want to leave the house. But then you miss out on the good people. Because there are good people out there too.

    So you have to protect yourself and you have to fix yourself as best you can while leaving yourself open to be further damaged by abusive others. Living precariously on that edge. Study your situation carefully, especially your feelings about that, and seek licensed professional psychological help as required to fix damage done and to move on as best you can.

    "I may be damaged goods, but I'm goods nonetheless!"~~Adam & Steve
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Feb 19, 2015 6:29 AM GMT
    WOW you need an outlet... Let me be clear therapists VARY greatly, and finding the right one takes time. BUT I 100% recommend seeing a GAY FRIENDLY therapist...

    Every organ has the capability of malfunctioning. Some people stress out and it takes a toll on their heart; others stress out and it takes a toll on their brain...

    I think finding a professional who is gay friendly and realizes depression is NOT just "choosing not to be happy" will help you a lot. You need validation and help sorting out all of these emotions -- seeing someone in person does something that the internet or technology can never reproduce.

    I wish you the best and remember to "DO YOU FIRST", when it comes to your health.

    If I was you I'd interview therapist and avoid religion. I'm very spiritual, but you always find a few nutty ppl when it comes to spirituality and religion. You need to feel grounded -- you don't need wishy-washy crap.
  • morebeer77

    Posts: 4

    Feb 26, 2015 12:09 PM GMT
    Thank you for your posts. I really appreciate them.
  • morebeer77

    Posts: 4

    Mar 01, 2015 6:46 AM GMT
    So had my first meeting with a psychologist. Quite daunting but with some encouragement from one of my friends i went. Not sure if it will work for me but im going to give it a go.


    Some advice I think I would give other people in this situation ring the psychologist and have a chat before hand. It seems a lot of them do their own organisation so you quite often will get the actual shrink on the line when you ring. Makes it much less daunting if you have had a quick chat before you go.

    I also wrote stuff down because I knew I'd never remember/be able to say stuff when i got there. That also helped a lot.
  • sinfakos

    Posts: 43

    Mar 03, 2015 9:15 AM GMT
    Don't be too hard on yourself. With your background & environment, it would be hard to avoid feeling some depression & self-doubt.

    AnOriginal gave some good advice. Definitely stay away from religious influences. That's what got you feeling the way you do (along with the abuse by your parent).

    I think you need a chance to do some self-reflection & get an idea who you are, what's really important to you, what you want to do with your life. Do what you think is right, not what somebody else tells you you must do. Be careful whom you choose as friend. Learn to detect kindness, caring & sincerity in others. That will take time & patience.
  • MikemikeMike

    Posts: 6932

    Mar 05, 2015 5:07 PM GMT
    Sinfakos saidDon't be too hard on yourself. With your background & environment, it would be hard to avoid feeling some depression & self-doubt.

    AnOriginal gave some good advice. Definitely stay away from religious influences. That's what got you feeling the way you do (along with the abuse by your parent).

    I think you need a chance to do some self-reflection & get an idea who you are, what's really important to you, what you want to do with your life. Do what you think is right, not what somebody else tells you you must do. Be careful whom you choose as friend. Learn to detect kindness, caring & sincerity in others. That will take time & patience.


    Good advice.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Mar 09, 2015 12:12 PM GMT
    My therapist said NO ONE KNOWS YOU MORE THAN YOU DO. So why do we listened to the most uniformed. It takes an upfront honest process of thinking not blaming.

    She also said this icon_biggrin.gifon't should on yourself"..like$shit..it only leads to expectations that are not yours ususally and it is always something else to be.
    there is no one answer, it doesn't immediately-but will crop up in the best places, be you. treat everyone with decency and always remember....you in now way are the first guy to have thoughts like this..
    TCARE man..paul