Grindr Social Experiment + Questions

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 10, 2015 4:24 AM GMT
    Not sure how many people will actually read this, or if anyone will respond, but I would like some insight...

    I am a young gay male. Moderately attractive, good head on my shoulders, etc. I have been out of the closet since I was 19.. (and no I'm not one of those stereotypical types that sleeps with everyone). I have always had a very conservative approach to relationships.. I believe in monogamy and commitment... yet every guy in the past I've dated has cheated on me. I decided to do a little experiment on Grindr by making a fake profile to see how quickly the guys I was Facebook friends with would message me looking for sex. It's worth noting that these guys act all angelic and professional on Facebook..as if they could do no wrong.

    So... I made a fake profile with a picture of a hot guy from many states away that had messaged me a long time ago. I kept the profile up for about a week. I had roughly 50 guys, just from my Facebook friends list alone, unknowingly message the profile with multiple nudes and asking me to hookup, without even saying a word to them. Keep in mind these are the "angelic" Facebook posters I mentioned earlier. Multiple weird fetish requests... I even convinced one guy to try scat for the first time.. simply because he was talking to a "hot" guy. I concluded from my little experiment that not only is the gay community ridiculously promiscuous...offering sex when all they've seen is 1 picture of a guy with no other info at all, but also that there is such a thing as "reverse slut-shaming." Since promiscuity is so rampant in the gay community here, and also since I have been very vocal on my Facebook and blogs about how not everyone wants to hookup..that there are certain guys who actually do want a steady relationship... Anyone who speaks out on monogamy and how promiscuous gay guys are, is shunned from the community and seen as stuck up. I have had sex with less than 10 people in my life. 8 guys and 2 girls (when I thought I might be gay, I tried the female side out). The gay friends I've had have told me they've slept with countless guys... 30 here and there maybe, and several had numbers over 100. Yet I go looking for love and when I won't put out on the first date, or I tell someone I actually want to get to know them, they get extremely pissed and catty and shun me, and sometimes also blacklist me from other people. They will gossip and tell others I don't put out, and therefore I'm labeled stuck up and shunned by everyone.

    I don't have any hard data to back my study up..it wasn't official or anything, so you'll just have to take my word for it. I've just really re-affirmed my belief and also the public stereotype that gay guys are extremely catty, promiscuous, and will sleep with virtually everything that walks. It gives me virtually no hope of meeting anyone my age actually interested in dating or the like. I know I don't speak for everyone, but I wouldn't hesitate to say that I describe about 80% of the young gay population in any big city.

    P.S. - What prompted this study is that I actually used the GPS on Grindr of catching my ex cheating at a local hotel with a "Hotel Visitor looking for raw loads." After he had ignored me all day last week, I saw him online at 2AM and drove around until his location came up to 200ft away at the Best Western near my house, right next to the "raw loads" profile.. There his car was in the parking lot at 2AM after he had just gotten done introducing me to his entire family the day before. I was like... "really?"

    Should I just enjoy the hookup phase while I'm young(er) and seek a relationship in my later years? Because it seems all the "attractive" guys feed off of attention and jump from guy to guy with no care for anyone else but their own desires. No offense to anyone on here, but the ones that seem to be looking for relationships in a given city seem to be the out of shape desperate ones...

    P.P.S - This is my very first post on this site...I was looking for a forum to express myself with likeminded guys and get the answers from some more experienced minds for my issues with the "gay community," and this is the first gay forum site to pop up on Google. Nice to meet you all.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 10, 2015 4:32 AM GMT
    Some things about your post don't make sense to me. Number one, you say you caught your ex cheating. What is unclear is did he cheat on you or did you catch him cheating on his next boyfriend? Also......why the hell are you on Grindr if you're seeking a relationship? I would never be on Grindr because it's the most notorious hookup app on the planet.
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    Feb 10, 2015 4:36 AM GMT
    We had been "dating" for a month and I had asked him to delete Grindr that morning. It wasn't serious yet but we had both talked about it getting serious that day and he agreed. When he ignored my phone calls all day after we had a date set up, I became suspicious and that's when I got back on Grindr and saw him nearby and decided to snoop.

    As for Grindr being a "notorious hookup app," it was not originally created for that purpose if you dig into it's history. It started off as a social app and the gay community sexualized it. I have met several good friends on the app and have rarely hooked up on it. After browsing through these forums I know I'm not the only one that uses it to just chat / or to go out and get drinks and meet new locals.
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    Feb 10, 2015 4:42 AM GMT
    I see. Well, it's certainly not that way now. If you're looking for a serious relationship I'd highly suggest dropping that app. Not sure what type of guy you're into but I've had fantastic luck with Scruff. I've made it crystal clear I'm not looking for a hookup and I've had some great dates that way. Although if you're not into the scruffy type that might not be for you. OKCupid is another good option. Believe it or not, not all gay men are whores. You just have to use the right bait. Even a shirtless profile pic can give the wrong impression.
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    Feb 10, 2015 4:47 AM GMT
    Let me be clear that I did not meet him on Grindr.. it was just an app we had in common, and like in all my relationships I ask the other person to delete it before things get serious. I have had luck with OkCupid... But the point of my post was mainly to get insight on the concept of "reverse slut-shaming" i mentioned above and also about the oversexualization of our culture in large cities... I feel like a hopeless romantic most of the time. Sometimes I get in a horny mood but then I usually just look at porn or trade pics with someone. Sorry for the shirtless picture... I just noticed the majority on this site had one so I thought I'd join ;)
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    Feb 10, 2015 4:52 AM GMT
    Wow, sounds like a case study. If you're in grad school, this can be your thesis or dissertation, or something.

    But yeah, it's heartbreaking to see that you proved what the society was already assuming of the gay population to be right.

    Don't settle though. If that is your value, you will find someone.
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    Feb 10, 2015 4:54 AM GMT
    I think a shirtless pic on here is somewhat appropriate, being it's (supposed to be) a fitness site. Just saying sometimes the sight of flesh can bring out the Piranhas.

    If by "reverse" slut shaming you mean guys that shame guys for wanting a relationship, I can't say I've witnessed that.
  • highforthis

    Posts: 680

    Feb 10, 2015 4:58 AM GMT
    I've had sex with 4-7 guys (depends what constitutes sex), and am STILL labeled a "virgin mary" by some of my gay friends, so yeah I agree with OP's premise. Even on this forum, you see guys being accused of stuff varying from "uncomfortable with their sexuality" "internalized homophobia" "fear and self-loathing" "heteronormative" etc, all in the context of not putting out asap
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    Feb 10, 2015 5:02 AM GMT
    Radd saidI think a shirtless pic on here is somewhat appropriate, being it's (supposed to be) a fitness site. Just saying sometimes the sight of flesh can bring out the Piranhas.

    If by "reverse" slut shaming you mean guys that shame guys for wanting a relationship, I can't say I've witnessed that.


    I actually have seen it a ton, even with my close gay friends. I have several gay couples with whom I'm very open with my criticism of overt promiscuousity with. I get the exact same reaction from each of them. Basically that men are hedonistic beings and we will always crave sex. Monogamy is not possible and is not fair to the individual, and if I want any sort of healthy relationship then I'm going to have to settle for an open relationship after dating for a year or so. I have -honestly- never really had the desire to cheat... I've been more of the "caretaker" and have enjoyed spending time with a single person every day, rather than trying out 10 different ones. I guess I'm just in the minority and should stop looking so hard, and someone good will possibly come along...
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    Feb 10, 2015 5:05 AM GMT
    highforthis saidI've had sex with 4-7 guys (depends what constitutes sex), and am STILL labeled a "virgin mary" by some of my gay friends, so yeah I agree with OP's premise. Even on this forum, you see guys being accused of stuff varying from "uncomfortable with their sexuality" "internalized homophobia" "fear and self-loathing" "heteronormative" etc, all in the context of not putting out asap


    I've actually experienced the majority of the things you listed..so I'm glad I'm not being derided for them. I hate to use labels but I am one of those "masculine" guys who is also "out" and comfortable with myself. I've even been shamed for being masculine, and called homophobic and a stuck-up douche for not putting out. In a city like Nashville the gay community is very close and word gets around that someone either does or doesn't put out and they are shamed or praised as such... It's almost like gay guys have reverse expectations, and I feel like it's kind of ridiculous.
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    Feb 10, 2015 5:06 AM GMT
    Are you meeting your gay friends in the gay bars? Because I find most men that frequent them are just that type. This is why almost all of my friends are straight males.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 10, 2015 5:08 AM GMT
    Radd saidAre you meeting your gay friends in the gay bars? Because I find most men that frequent them are just that type. This is why almost all of my friends are straight males.


    I met some in college, some through friends of friends, and some on Grindr. I understand your view though.. I need to broaden my horizons when meeting guys. I just tend to be an introvert and technology is like my best friend, as opposed to going out. I just feel like if -I'm- not seeking sex and am monogamy minded, and I use certain apps, then there have to be others out there with at least a similar mindset...
  • SilverRRCloud

    Posts: 871

    Feb 10, 2015 5:40 AM GMT
    The Pope is catholic.

    And many, many gay, bi, and str8 males are very promiscuous.

    Few people will ever dispute those well-known facts.

    The evolutionary theory has it that men have been hard-wired to spread their seed as far and as wide and often as they can. The evolutionary cost of a sexual intercourse for a male is entirely negligible.

    Shaming the Pope for being catholic, and the men for being promiscuous is largely a futile exercise. The shamers are wasting their time and energy pursuing useless objectives, and the ones who are being shamed are acting as spineless cowards who do wish to conform, and benefit from the wider societal approval instead of telling their shamers to go and mind their own business.

    The OP has recognized that he may not belong to the mainstream here. He has made other choices, and finds it somewhat difficult to live by them. Hence he asks:

    >>>Should I just enjoy the hookup phase while I'm young(er) and seek a relationship in my later years? Because it seems all the "attractive" guys feed off of attention and jump from guy to guy with no care for anyone else but their own desires. No offense to anyone on here, but the ones that seem to be looking for relationships in a given city seem to be the out of shape desperate ones...<<<

    If the hookup phase is what you want to enjoy, in view of the circumstances, what's stopping you?

    SC
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    Feb 10, 2015 5:45 AM GMT
    Hurley226 saidYet I go looking for love and when I won't put out on the first date, or I tell someone I actually want to get to know them, they get extremely pissed and catty and shun me, and sometimes also blacklist me from other people. They will gossip and tell others I don't put out, and therefore I'm labeled stuck up and shunned by everyone.

    I find this hard to believe and seriously doubt that you've been labeled as stuck up simply because you wouldn't put out on the first date.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 10, 2015 5:50 AM GMT
    Hurley226 said

    I've just really re-affirmed my belief and also the public stereotype that gay guys are extremely catty, promiscuous, and will sleep with virtually everything that walks.


    It's not just gay guys, it's guys in general. (well..i don't know about the catty part). If women gave it up as easily as men do, straight guys would be just the same. In fact, the amount of messages i get from married guys is just mind blowing...

    Of course this doesn't mean EVERY guy only wants sex. In my experience that seems to be the case, but even then i'm still not convinced it's true. It only takes one, right?
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    Feb 10, 2015 5:56 AM GMT
    Lumpyoatmeal said
    Hurley226 saidYet I go looking for love and when I won't put out on the first date, or I tell someone I actually want to get to know them, they get extremely pissed and catty and shun me, and sometimes also blacklist me from other people. They will gossip and tell others I don't put out, and therefore I'm labeled stuck up and shunned by everyone.

    I find this hard to believe and seriously doubt that you've been labeled as stuck up simply because you wouldn't out on the first date.


    I don't see why this is so hard to believe? Not to sound arrogant but a lot of people take extreme measures when they don't get what they want. But thanks for telling me what my own personal experiences were/weren't. FYI yes, I have had several guys ask me out for drinks, we hang out, then when I won't spend the night with them say things to the effect of "What was the point of that?" It's like there's no such thing as getting to know someone personally.
  • MikeW

    Posts: 6061

    Feb 10, 2015 7:46 AM GMT
    Interesting that your POF profile says, Hurley615 wants to date but nothing serious.

    FWIW, I'm old enough to be your grand dad and what you're saying is as true now as it was 40 years ago when I was your age. A LOT of gay men are very promiscuous. I was not one of them and I know for a fact I'm not the only one.
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    Feb 10, 2015 8:47 AM GMT
    From what I have heard and experienced a bit I think what you're describing is accurate. The "gay community" presents a very difficult dilemma to many gay men. From what I've heard (I was married and living as a straight guy for the first 2/3 of my life) it sounds like maybe things had been moving in a better direction toward the end of the 90's but the mobile apps have sort of set things back (my conclusion). I don't think there's an easy answer, unfortunately.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 10, 2015 8:58 AM GMT
    Enjoy the "hook-up scene" if you want to and can enjoy it. Almost all of my friends are in LTRs - but I don't know any that started before they were 30. Something to do with sowing oats vs maturity.
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    Feb 10, 2015 12:43 PM GMT
    MikeW saidInteresting that your POF profile says, Hurley615 wants to date but nothing serious.

    FWIW, I'm old enough to be your grand dad and what you're saying is as true now as it was 40 years ago when I was your age. A LOT of gay men are very promiscuous. I was not one of them and I know for a fact I'm not the only one.


    I haven't used that site in a very long time. But that was quite creepy that you looked it up.
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    Feb 10, 2015 12:45 PM GMT
    sf_swimmer saidFrom what I have heard and experienced a bit I think what you're describing is accurate. The "gay community" presents a very difficult dilemma to many gay men. From what I've heard (I was married and living as a straight guy for the first 2/3 of my life) it sounds like maybe things had been moving in a better direction toward the end of the 90's but the mobile apps have sort of set things back (my conclusion). I don't think there's an easy answer, unfortunately.


    I agree the apps have been about 90% of the problem in promoting reckless repeated casual sex. Not much we can do about it except raise awareness for those few who actually would like something meaningful, in my opinion.
  • Zigs_01

    Posts: 226

    Feb 10, 2015 1:01 PM GMT
    There are studies already proving that gay people are likely to hook-up with random people. However, your study was interesting to read.If I were to do things differently in high-school, I would had random hook-ups for with people nevertheless. However, I would have kept the same partner for eight months. There's no need to dump people just after a one time thing. I would have like to had a long-term relationship with a guy but a the same time, I wanted to have a sex life just for fun.

    Males are likely to have sex with people with females. There are studies proving that males only wait one week to have sex with a partner. However, females wait six months before a sexual encounter. Males wait a significantly less time with people!
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    Feb 10, 2015 5:30 PM GMT
    Hurley226 said
    Lumpyoatmeal said
    Hurley226 saidYet I go looking for love and when I won't put out on the first date, or I tell someone I actually want to get to know them, they get extremely pissed and catty and shun me, and sometimes also blacklist me from other people. They will gossip and tell others I don't put out, and therefore I'm labeled stuck up and shunned by everyone.

    I find this hard to believe and seriously doubt that you've been labeled as stuck up simply because you wouldn't out on the first date.


    I don't see why this is so hard to believe? Not to sound arrogant but a lot of people take extreme measures when they don't get what they want. But thanks for telling me what my own personal experiences were/weren't. FYI yes, I have had several guys ask me out for drinks, we hang out, then when I won't spend the night with them say things to the effect of "What was the point of that?" It's like there's no such thing as getting to know someone personally.


    Maybe it's just been your luck of the draw. I too am surprised to hear this (although I am not doubting it happened to you.) Most guys seem to find it refreshing when I don't want to have sex on the first date. I only had one guy that got upset about it but he still kept calling me for repeat dates. He was also a bodybuilder who I found out later was on Steroids which looking back makes sense why it upset him so much. On our second date we were standing in his kitchen saying our goodbyes. We were kissing passionately when I realized he was grinding on me really hard. Suddenly he let out a loud moan as he came with this pants on. I was like damn......that's a first!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 10, 2015 5:58 PM GMT
    You introduce yourself as an average bloke , you aren't you are handsome .
    You tricked other blokes with creating a fake profile on a hook-up site showing a good looking bloke with a nice body , and you are surprised of the results !!
    Those site are meat markets , you show your meat and then you get propositioned for sex , that is the goal .
    Now that said , i also am a romantic at heart , and i also been cheated on , you get smarter with time , and learn to set aside that type of blokes .
    I truly hope you find your match , you are intelligent , handsome and you have respect and boundaries , and this those are good virtues , you greatly deserve better .
    Best of luck to you mate icon_biggrin.gif
  • MikeW

    Posts: 6061

    Feb 10, 2015 8:35 PM GMT
    Hurley226 said
    MikeW saidInteresting that your POF profile says, Hurley615 wants to date but nothing serious.

    FWIW, I'm old enough to be your grand dad and what you're saying is as true now as it was 40 years ago when I was your age. A LOT of gay men are very promiscuous. I was not one of them and I know for a fact I'm not the only one.


    I haven't used that site in a very long time. But that was quite creepy that you looked it up.

    I'm creepy? You're the one making fake accounts. So, just to check, I searched on one of your RJ profile images. Given the percentage of trolls and catfish on this site, doing so is just standard procedure. The image search referenced your POF profile -- and nothing else so you *look* legit.