Oh boy - a woman is being forced on me - ewwwwww!

  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Feb 10, 2015 3:51 PM GMT
    I guess this is a right of passage for most gay men who are not out to family and friends. Well, this morning I got a call from a friend living in the UK. Now this is out of the blue, a caught of guard situation. I never gave any indication I was looking for somebody, but she has asked in the past if I have any 'special someone' and I said no. Yesterday, she popped up on Whatsapp asking who is my valentines day, I said my mother. I guess that is what got this ball rolling.


    She has a friend who thinks I am handsome and would like to get to know me.


    Now, to many opportunistic straight Jamaican men out here, this would be a heaven sent. Just to be respectful, I have taken up the offer. At this moment I am entertaining the conversation, but there is nothing there of interest to me. Really awkward, because I know the intention behind this setup and on my part, the feelings are not mutual.

    Lets hope she doesn't get infatuated with me. icon_rolleyes.gif

  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Feb 10, 2015 4:01 PM GMT
    Oh boy - a woman is being forced on me - ewwwwww!

    PaulDee said
    She has a friend who thinks I am handsome and would like to get to know me.

    Now, to many opportunistic straight Jamaican men out here, this would be a heaven sent. Just to be respectful, I have taken up the offer.

    Hardly sounds "forced". You didn't know how to avoid this?
  • Destinharbor

    Posts: 4433

    Feb 10, 2015 4:11 PM GMT
    You're in a tough spot. But I've been there in the past, too. Have fun. It really can be tricky to be a nice guy but not a heartbreaker. Just keep remembering that she's feeling vulnerable, too, and will probably see your lack of interest as something wrong with her. Girls are like that.... Try to not get engaged....
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Feb 10, 2015 4:14 PM GMT
    no one forced you to do anything. you AGREED.

    take what you can get, hun.
  • HndsmKansan

    Posts: 16311

    Feb 10, 2015 4:16 PM GMT
    I can understand, but I think, since the wheels are in motion, that you slow the process down by appearing slightly disinterested during the process or just "busy".
    If not, you could end up hurting a woman and causing yourself additional issues.

    Of course in the end, the truth, sets you free!

    icon_biggrin.gif
  • Destinharbor

    Posts: 4433

    Feb 10, 2015 4:21 PM GMT
    HndsmKansan saidI can understand, but I think, since the wheels are in motion, that you slow the process down by appearing slightly disinterested during the process or just "busy".
    If not, you could end up hurting a woman and causing yourself additional issues.

    Of course in the end, the truth, sets you free!

    icon_biggrin.gif

    Ya, but not in Jamaica. Still dangerous.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Feb 10, 2015 4:28 PM GMT
    PaulDee said... She has a friend who thinks I am handsome and would like to get to know me...
    i assume the friend's friend is from the UK to? if so take all of this in stride, as a compliment. Continue to be the best Jamaican gay man you can be. A while back on gayspeak there was a few guys from your area.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Feb 10, 2015 5:41 PM GMT
    The reason why engaged the conversation is not to come across disrespectful. The woman called me out of the blue and said she has someone on the phone who would like to take my number and chat with me on Whatsapp.

    What was I to say? Excuse me bitch, but I am gay and I am not interested in your straight pussy, now fuck off! Have a nice day.

    No, I would not and could not do that. The woman in the UK doesn't know I am gay and first of all, I am not going to tell her I am gay because that would be dangerous. She is originally from my community and moved to the UK many years ago. I am not going to say I am gay then she ends up telling her family and the entire community ends up knowing my business. This is a small community and everybody knows everybody.

    She herself tried to force a relationship on my brother, but my brother was not interested. When she realized, she was distraught about the situation. At one point, she said to me, if I was just a little bit older, maybe it could have worked.

    Now, this is a person I think is a good friend otherwise and she has good intentions, but her nature is to assume the best for others when its not needed.

    First of all, she didn't communicate in advance that she has been telling a friend about me and that friend is interested. She just called and set this up and I didn't even ask for it, just because I said I am not in a relationship.

    She simply should have let sleeping dogs lie.

    I am following my heart of course, right now, I am simply being cordial and entertaining a conversation, nothing more, nothing less. I am not going to say anything that might send the wrong signal.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Feb 10, 2015 6:46 PM GMT
    My family is from the islands.

    They try to get into my business.

    I tell them that I am busy with school and that I will find someone when the time is right.

    I hope you cancel.

    You're potentially leading this girl on and it's easy..

    say you don't like being set up.

    That you're capable of finding someone and are happy where you are in life.

    Valentine's Day isn't about having somebody to give you candy.

    I'd be so annoyed if somebody tried to set me up solely for that.


    You need to stand up for yourself more.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Feb 10, 2015 6:48 PM GMT
    And you're 31.

    I imagine you're not living with your parents...

    just tell that "friend" you like to keep your private life private and you don't want any drama in case things go sour.

    That's a great way to tell people to screw off.

    That you wouldn't want the potential "date" to mess with your friendship with them, such as in taking sides, etc and getting too personal.

    Good luck and love your mother for Valentine's and just ignore calls.

    Unless the chick is flying to see you, you have no obligation.

    Stop this before it gets out of control.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Feb 10, 2015 9:22 PM GMT
    "I'm not looking to date at the moment, sorry"

    Nuclear option: "I'm not looking to date at the moment because I have an STD"
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Feb 10, 2015 9:58 PM GMT
    Ohno said"I'm not looking to date at the moment, sorry"

    Nuclear option: "I'm not looking to date at the moment because I have an STD"


    LOL, last resort! icon_biggrin.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Feb 10, 2015 10:14 PM GMT
    WhyisHeGayThen saidAnd you're 31.

    I imagine you're not living with your parents...
    just tell that "friend" you like to keep your private life private and you don't want any drama in case things go sour.
    That's a great way to tell people to screw off.
    Stop this before it gets out of control.


    Well, just as I suspected, its my friend who is forcing this. After chatting with her friend this morning for a good while, the conversation kinda went dead...

    She popped up on Whatsapp saying big things need to happen for me this year...

    She wants me to come to England.

    I asked, how is that going to happen?

    She replied, who knows, me, she, both of us.

    Right now, she is nagging me to text her.

    I am not responding and I am not going tell her a lie, because they are probably in the place observing what is happening.

    There is no desire to lead on anybody, its just a person being overbearing and not realizing her help is not needed, but I am following my heart.

    Will just block both of them.

    What some persons have to understand, this is a delicate situation, I don't want to send the wrong signal on my part where it in some ways compromises my personal business.

    Women are sensitive, they will know things others won't know. She keeps in touch with her family and I know she discusses a lot of personal stuff with her sister.

    She was just telling me her sister got a call from my brother expressing that he still has feelings for her.

    First of all, she should not have told me that, yet she went and did it.

    This a very fragile thing. Personally, I think the biggest person who has something to lose here is me. So all of you going on about breaking a girls heart, think about the trauma of the entire community knowing your sexuality and putting you in a situation where your life is at risk?

    Besides, she is a single mother, so obviously she has gotten her heart broken before.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Feb 10, 2015 10:31 PM GMT
    PaulDee said
    WhyisHeGayThen saidAnd you're 31.

    I imagine you're not living with your parents...
    just tell that "friend" you like to keep your private life private and you don't want any drama in case things go sour.
    That's a great way to tell people to screw off.
    Stop this before it gets out of control.


    Well, just as I suspected, its my friend who is forcing this. After chatting with her friend this morning for a good while, the conversation kinda went dead...

    She popped up on Whatsapp saying big things need to happen for me this year...

    She wants me to come to England.

    I asked, how is that going to happen?

    She replied, who knows, me, she, both of us.

    Right now, she is nagging me to text her.

    I am not responding and I am not going tell her a lie, because they are probably in the place observing what is happening.

    There is no desire to lead on anybody, its just a person being overbearing and not realizing her help is not needed, but I am following my heart.

    Will just block both of them.

    What some persons have to understand, this is a delicate situation, I don't want to send the wrong signal on my part where it in some ways compromises my personal business.

    Women are sensitive, they will know things others won't know. She keeps in touch with her family and I know she discusses a lot of personal stuff with her sister.

    She was just telling me her sister got a call from my brother expressing that he still has feelings for her.

    First of all, she should not have told me that, yet she went and did it.

    This a very fragile thing. Personally, I think the biggest person who has something to lose here is me. So all of you going on about breaking a girls heart, think about the trauma of the entire community knowing your sexuality and putting you in a situation where your life is at risk?

    Besides, she is a single mother, so obviously she has gotten her heart broken before.


    I don't think you're going to break her heart. I just think you need to shut down any possibility of her thinking she has a chance.

    And as for visiting, you can just politely decline.

    Have you thought about...leaving the country? I say this because I imagine you ultimately want to date a man and do you think you can do this safely where you are?

    You say it's a small community and everybody knows everything about everyone.

    This sounds like a good time, to move away and live your true life, for you.

    You can still visit, but eventually you have to tell people to back off and that if you want to discuss a relationship you will and to respect your privacy.

    I don't really care what women "think" they know. Everyone has intuition, but it's arrogant and disrespectful to start rumors. You are not a young boy who has to listen to his parents. While they may expect you to live with them until you get married, you are free to move away.

    And as for her sharing about your brother, this is very tacky and messy.

    Being that she dated your brother, you are off-limits. I would be enraged if a bisexual guy wanted to date my sister. It's about respect. She doesn't respect you. She probably isn't even into you and wants to use you as a pawn to make your brother jealous.

    I hope you don't respond to anything they send. And if they contact other people to bother you, simply say you are busy. You have bills to pay and a life to lead.

    You don't have time to be on the phone sharing your business. If they want something from you, send them a card for the holidays and be done with it.

    Be careful and God Bless.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Feb 10, 2015 10:43 PM GMT
    I have thought about it. Dating is really not an option here and those who choose to live their true life here are often at a severe disadvantage.

    I am seriously looking into options to study abroad and use that to establish myself elsewhere. I do get lonely at times and wish for companionship. Subsituting that part of my life with porn and my right hand is kinda running its course.

    As I previously noted, I want to be careful with this. Out of common courtesy, I entertained the conversation, but I don't want it to send the wrong signals or go anywhere. I will also start to reduce my communication with that person, although she might have good intentions, I can envision where this is going and I can only see it blowing up in my face.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Feb 11, 2015 1:14 AM GMT
    pazzy said
    CODY4U saidno one forced you to do anything. you AGREED.

    take what you can get, hun.


    did you read what he wrote because in nowhere did he say in what he wrote that he agreed to do anything.


    he's already said he agreed to the conversation and further correspondence. there's no way to 'force' an adult male to do anything through an app.



  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Feb 11, 2015 3:35 AM GMT
    I might have agreed, but it was done reluctantly. I also said that she called me out of the blue, put the person on the phone and asked for my number. I was shocked, what was I to do?

    At the same time, I have to be careful. If I had just abruptly said no, it would just create unwanted curiosity I don't want.
  • Apparition

    Posts: 3521

    Feb 11, 2015 4:09 AM GMT
    so other than not being a coward and coming out, there is a much easier solution.

    go beg borrow or steal a great bdsm suit, the rubber, the chaps, the whips, the manacles. Send the busybody a pic of all that and tell her, "the last person I hooked up with got me totally into heavy bondage, and now I can't be satisfied unless she lets me do some heavy anal, leading to fisting on a regular basis..think she would be up for that a couple times a day?"

    *click*


    problem solved.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Feb 11, 2015 1:38 PM GMT
    Its easy for you to sit behind a computer in North America and determine who is a coward and who should come out.

    Take a plane, come here prancing around with a rainbow flag through Tivoli Gardens, Darling Street and don't see if they cut your throat before you start singing the words to 'I'm coming out'.

    A lot of Gay Americans, especially the ones who live in a bubble think they know how every part of the world works and what everybody should do. You don't think about the culture, the belief systems here and how much of a control that has on how society.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Feb 11, 2015 3:05 PM GMT
    PaulDee saidIts easy for you to sit behind a computer in North America and determine who is a coward and who should come out.

    Take a plane, come here prancing around with a rainbow flag through Tivoli Gardens, Darling Street and don't see if they cut your throat before you start singing the words to 'I'm coming out'.

    A lot of Gay Americans, especially the ones who live in a bubble think they know how every part of the world works and what everybody should do. You don't think about the culture, the belief systems here and how much of a control that has on how society.

    My US LGBT church has a mission in Jamaica. Yeah, I belong to a church. Not because I have any real religious beliefs, but because I like the good community work they do.

    Do you know the MCC Sunshine Cathedral, from Fort Lauderdale, Florida?

    Well, whether you do or not, we hear about the gay oppression with which you deal in Jamaica. So this is already known to me.

    But are you dealing with 2 separate questions here? One is being paired with a straight woman, not of your choosing. The other is whether you can risk coming out gay.

    Can't you just say you have no romantic interest in this particular woman? That should be easy enough. Straight men don't marry every woman they come across.

    The second issue is more problematic. I appreciate how dangerously homophobic Jamaica is. You may have to consider moving away. Or else remaining there fully closeted, with essentially no gay life.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Feb 11, 2015 3:09 PM GMT
    PaulDee saidIts easy for you to sit behind a computer in North America and determine who is a coward and who should come out.

    Take a plane, come here prancing around with a rainbow flag through Tivoli Gardens, Darling Street and don't see if they cut your throat before you start singing the words to 'I'm coming out'.

    A lot of Gay Americans, especially the ones who live in a bubble think they know how every part of the world works and what everybody should do. You don't think about the culture, the belief systems here and how much of a control that has on how society.



    +1
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Feb 11, 2015 3:12 PM GMT
    Being gay is grounds for seeking asylum in Canada.
    It sucks to be forced to choose between your home and your sexuality. But there IS a choice.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Feb 11, 2015 3:21 PM GMT
    There is a lot of ignorance on this thread. The man lives in JAMAICA......not West Hollywood. His life could be in danger if he were to come out there.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Feb 11, 2015 4:07 PM GMT
    [quote][cite]Art_Deco said[/cite]
    PaulDee saidIts easy for you to sit behind a computer in North America and determine who is a coward and who should come out.

    Take a plane, come here prancing around with a rainbow flag through Tivoli Gardens, Darling Street and don't see if they cut your throat before you start singing the words to 'I'm coming out'.

    A lot of Gay Americans, especially the ones who live in a bubble think they know how every part of the world works and what everybody should do. You don't think about the culture, the belief systems here and how much of a control that has on how society.

    My US LGBT church has a mission in Jamaica. Yeah, I belong to a church. Not because I have any real religious beliefs, but because I like the good community work they do.

    Do you know the MCC Sunshine Cathedral, from Fort Lauderdale, Florida?

    Well, whether you do or not, we hear about the gay oppression with which you deal in Jamaica. So this is already known to me.

    But are you dealing with 2 separate questions here? One is being paired with a straight woman, not of your choosing. The other is whether you can risk coming out gay.

    Can't you just say you have no romantic interest in this particular woman? That should be easy enough. Straight men don't marry every woman they come across.

    The second issue is more problematic. I appreciate how dangerously homophobic Jamaica is. You may have to consider moving away. Or else remaining there fully closeted, with essentially no gay life.[/
    quote]

    I really started this discussion seeking advice how to really handle it delicately without it creating any further curiosity. Of course, I should have known better, since my situation is quite different because of the culture, so I wouldn't be able to apply the same type of methodologies a person in America would apply here.

    Its part of the reason why I even said, a lot of straight Jamaican men would kill for such an opportunity to have someone trying to set them up with a woman (especially a foreigner, since a big deal here is to get someone from a foreign country to marry you so you can get your papers). I only was seeking advice to really get out of this gently without it blowing up in my face.

    What I have done is just block both on Whatsapp. I know its going to cause curiosity. I remember staff discussing at my previous work place how they setup a guy with this woman and on the night they were to have sex, he couldn't perform. They said, that's how they found out he was gay. One of the women in the discussion exclaiming, if it was her, she would have killed. We don't even know if the guy simply had anxiety problems. Its that type of assumption here that is very dangerous.

    Now taking into account, this was a intimate, personal situation, how did it end up being discussed at work amongst strangers? This is how a lot of people here stay and it might seem harmless, but it can lead to some serious consequences.
  • daveindenver

    Posts: 314

    Feb 12, 2015 12:33 AM GMT
    If you say "ewwwwww" around anyone, they already know youre gay.