New Guy Moving Way Too Fast- Advice?

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 12, 2015 6:30 PM GMT
    I met a good potential match on OK who during the first date moved things way too fast... We went from the first date, then going back to his place to watch a movie to dating in about the span of 18 hours icon_surprised.gif Spent the night at his place and he even wanted to bareback; he's negative but I still didn't let him. I asked him why and said we we're dating now and he's "unconventional" I almost wanted to ask if he's just looking for a friend with benefits but didn't

    We met for lunch this week and I'm spending the weekend at his place again on a few days. I've never experienced this before even with my limited dating experience... I mean first date to suddenly dating in 60 seconds flat? That not how solid relationships are built. I like him but I'm not sure why he's going warp speed with things.

    What is this? Any thoughts from those with more experience.
  • Destinharbor

    Posts: 4435

    Feb 12, 2015 6:37 PM GMT
    Why resist if you like him? You don't have to do anything anytime but why worry about the fact that some guy likes you a lot? My partner and I met for a sex date, though we'd gotten to know each other pretty well before meeting, but we basically became exclusive immediately. 7 1/2 years. The reason was I liked him tremendously immediately and vice-versa. It can be how solid relationships are built. Who wrote rules?
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    Feb 12, 2015 6:39 PM GMT
    Are you his first???
  • Tig3r

    Posts: 139

    Feb 12, 2015 6:43 PM GMT
    Sounds like he's a U-Haul Lesbian, second date is to the U-Haul to move in together.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 12, 2015 6:43 PM GMT
    You seem to be enjoying yourself and it sounds like you're making sure you're safe. Keep doing both. I don't think you can control the future to the extent you may think you can. Many long-term relationships start with an intense rush while other build more slowly.
  • bro4bro

    Posts: 1034

    Feb 12, 2015 8:21 PM GMT
    Good advice for you above. But to answer your question...

    He wants an instant boyfriend.

    He doesn't want to go through all the hassle of getting to know each other and figuring out whether you like each other. He just wants to have a guy who's there for him. Right now.

    It's not the best strategy, but it's a strategy. I've had str8 friends who got ambushed like this by a chick, were married before they knew it, and are still happily married with kids today. But there are just as many who jumped into a relationship and then found out they didn't really like the other person.

    If being this guy's boyfriend is interfering with your social life, I'd suggest you take a step back. Otherwise, enjoy it while it lasts.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 12, 2015 8:24 PM GMT
    Beware of guys that come on too strong and too fast. They usually leave with the same expediency.
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    Feb 12, 2015 9:33 PM GMT
    bon_pan saidBeware of guys that come on too strong and too fast. They usually leave with the same expediency.


    This.

    He broke it off an hour ago via text and wants to be "freinds"- fastest "relationship" in history? Made my head spin. Lesson learned: I'm def a slow, traditional dater. Getting to know someone over a few weeks works better than instant BF style.

    Call me conventional but is this type of thing common? It seems like a lot of guys throw the old rules of dating out the window or don't call dates "dates" which had me wondering if a new style is emerging?
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    Feb 12, 2015 10:11 PM GMT
    Erobert said
    Spent the night at his place and he even wanted to bareback; he's negative but I still didn't let him. I asked him why and said we we're dating now...

    What proof do you have that he's HIV negative? Even if he showed you the result of an HIV test taken THAT SAME MORNING it would not absolutely guaranteed that he's negative.

    Because the test results aren't reliable for approx. 3 to 6 months after exposure. HIV results have a blackout window, meaning the test is perpetually outdated. Only more expensive tests, which are not easy to arrange and are costly, report results sooner, but even then you're still dealing with about a 2-week delay. He could have gotten HIV nearly 3 months ago, be infectious with a significant viral load, and yet still be testing negative.

    His behavior about dating immediately, almost desperately, and his presenting himself as someone HIV negative who can bareback you, tells me this is not a safe guy to get involved with. I recommend keeping your distance, if not running.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 12, 2015 10:43 PM GMT
    Erobert said
    bon_pan saidBeware of guys that come on too strong and too fast. They usually leave with the same expediency.


    This.

    He broke it off an hour ago via text and wants to be "freinds"- fastest "relationship" in history? Made my head spin. Lesson learned: I'm def a slow, traditional dater. Getting to know someone over a few weeks works better than instant BF style.

    Call me conventional but is this type of thing common? It seems like a lot of guys throw the old rules of dating out the window or don't call dates "dates" which had me wondering if a new style is emerging?


    IMO you err by referring to your situation as being instant "BFs" or involving a "relationship". It doesn't sound like it ever was that so I'm wondering where the labels came from, you or him.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 13, 2015 6:51 PM GMT
    Tig3r saidSounds like he's a U-Haul Lesbian, second date is to the U-Haul to move in together.


    LOL - good call! When I lived in SF we used to joke about all the guys in the Castro hitching and loading up their u-hauls every Saturday morning as they swapped partners and pads. Because I lived in a condo that was about 75% gay, it looked like "Wagon Train" in our courtyard sometimes!
  • davfit

    Posts: 309

    Feb 14, 2015 4:24 AM GMT
    RED FLAG Warning !!you could be anybody.. this is Common.. Gay men who are love with love and must have it now!! and will fall for anyone they find attractive... He will smother you ..back off ..if he goes wacky ..Run..If he doesn't and acts normal... then proceed..see what happens..
  • AMoonHawk

    Posts: 11406

    Feb 14, 2015 4:37 AM GMT
    snl-tom-hanks-celebrity-jeopar-o.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 14, 2015 9:12 AM GMT
    You gave it up on a first date, no wonder he wanted to be friend. Booty call, better luck next time.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 15, 2015 4:54 AM GMT
    / I did despite the multiple red flags Oy! *facepalm*

    Massive lapse of judgement with trusting him and thinking he wanted to date someone. Also showing me how naive I am still about gay dating. The second he said "Let's go back to my place to watch a movie" was him actually asking for a hookup. icon_redface.gificon_rolleyes.gif Need to learn the signs of bait and switch guys fishing for hookups on dating sites- why are guys like that dating sites btw? Isn't that what Grindr is for?

    A learning experience for sure but taking a few steps back since not only do I feel like I wasted my time but compromised my integrity and values a bit. One reason I don't like hookups.
  • SilverRRCloud

    Posts: 873

    Feb 15, 2015 5:52 AM GMT
    Sure.

    Try to learn from this experience. Confirming your old fears is really not the same as learning.

    Dating someone does NOT equal having a relationship of any serious kind with him. The idea of dating is to get to know each other, and see if you are compatible on more levels than oneicon_biggrin.gif. You want to test and try how the relationship later on, if any, may look like, feel like, etc. Imperfect and unreliable, but by far, dating is your best shot at figuring these things out.

    Dating someone involves time, energy, and possibly some expenditure, too. Few reasonable guys will carry on with this unless they have reasons to believe that you click sexually, too. The notion that you MUST not put out on the first date, and everything will be fine from there on is false. Have sex and enjoy your life. Playing "difficult to get" is vastly counterproductive. It is also misleading if you happen to be a sexually positive person. Introducing this heteronormative attitude into your gay life will help you stay on the sidelines for much longer than you want to...

    It always takes two to tango. If you want to date but not spend hours and hours with you new BF every day, feel free to say so. Here, honesty is the best policy. Make sure, however, that you present your views in a cool, understanding and empathic fashion. You do not want to go head over heels into anything but yeah, if you are dating, and have allotted 2 hrs a week for this activity, you won't get very far either...

    SC