My "Rap" About My Current "Love" BONUS Beyoncé Cover

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    Feb 15, 2015 8:12 PM GMT
    Preface: I know this looks and sounds like more like a middle school project, than what my normal standards are… BUT it conveys and releases what I was feeling.

    The first picture was something I created for a guy I thought I really liked/loved... I knew his favorite song was by Christina Perri called, "I'm Only Human" -- I felt the lyrics were too self-sacrificing (which I can understand); so I changed the words for him.

    This video and "voice/song clip" actually was a journal entry... I recorded it on a VERY mediocre-microphone at home, the clip you hear was recorded on 2-13-2015. Then I made this video on 2-14-2015 (Valentines day). I know I can do better, but I needed to release what I was feeling -- Valentines day just happened to fall into this week (the week I needed to release these feelings).

    The Beyoncé cover song, was actually recorded at a professional studio on 2-11-15. I did the whole song and only a clip is here. The entire clip was decent, but I feel I can do better on that.

    Any tips or comments from people are always appreciated. I'm trying to find a way to combine my love for Mozart and Bach with hip-hop... It's the right time for it; music is more of a melting pot than just "metal heads" or "thug music".



    Love,

    A Real Jock & Music Lover

  • Svnw688

    Posts: 3350

    Feb 15, 2015 8:39 PM GMT
    I like the effort. Here's my constructive criticism:

    (1). The "if you really love me" first 1:45 did NOT gel. It needed either your voice to be melodic and rhythmic, or it needed background music. As it stands now, it's a mildly cadenced original oratory. "Song-ify" it.

    (2). It really starts to come together around 1:45 when the music starts and you're cover rapping.

    (3). The ending 5 seconds thrust us back to the beginning, a place we (and you) don't want to be.

    (4). As a general matter, I think when you sing, and especially when you rap, you have artistic license to relax your enunciation and let the words flow into one another. You don't have to be so sharp and grammatically correct. Instead of "I am going to fix her" you can say "I'm gonna fix her" or "I'm-a fix her." See how you have artistic license to manipulate language and the audience WILL forgive you and WILL understand you if what you're expressing makes sense and you maintain your narrative. Stop articulating and enunciating so much, soften your edges, and it'll "flow" better I think.

    Keep it up!


    tumblr_njm5wcZVlV1rji9o7o1_500.gif
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    Feb 16, 2015 12:22 PM GMT
    Svnw688 saidI like the effort. Here's my constructive criticism:

    (1). The "if you really love me" first 1:45 did NOT gel. It needed either your voice to be melodic and rhythmic, or it needed background music. As it stands now, it's a mildly cadenced original oratory. "Song-ify" it.

    (2). It really starts to come together around 1:45 when the music starts and you're cover rapping.

    (3). The ending 5 seconds thrust us back to the beginning, a place we (and you) don't want to be.

    (4). As a general matter, I think when you sing, and especially when you rap, you have artistic license to relax your enunciation and let the words flow into one another. You don't have to be so sharp and grammatically correct. Instead of "I am going to fix her" you can say "I'm gonna fix her" or "I'm-a fix her." See how you have artistic license to manipulate language and the audience WILL forgive you and WILL understand you if what you're expressing makes sense and you maintain your narrative. Stop articulating and enunciating so much, soften your edges, and it'll "flow" better I think.

    Keep it up!


    tumblr_njm5wcZVlV1rji9o7o1_500.gif


    Thank you so much man! This was a really great , glass half-full, critique. What a nice way to start the day; you're a really nice dude. The cover song was recorded in a studio. The beginning part was at home; I was feeling overly emotional and just let it all out.

    Your number 3 comment is so true... I need to realize not all guys are the same and history doesn't always repeat itself -- when it comes to men. I make a daily effort to live in the precious present moment.

    Thank you again -- your insights were helpful man icon_wink.gif

    photo image_zpsr36bea3g.jpg
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    Feb 16, 2015 4:25 PM GMT
    ur doing something odd with ur voice. kinda makes u sound like fat albert.
  • monstapex

    Posts: 478

    Feb 16, 2015 6:47 PM GMT
    rolling-on-the-floor-laughing-o.gif
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    Feb 19, 2015 6:00 AM GMT
    CODY4U saidur doing something odd with ur voice. kinda makes u sound like fat albert.


    No this is more like Fat Albert or doing something strange to my voice. Listen to me trying to sound tough LMAO >_<

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    Feb 19, 2015 6:04 AM GMT
    I wanna be like an underground gay hip-hop artist... You can come up with so many naughty rhymes with all the slang words we use in the gay community icon_lol.gif

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    Feb 19, 2015 6:20 AM GMT
    Team EQUALITY!

    Warning: Plumber's crack.

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    Mar 01, 2015 3:29 AM GMT
    Do I still sound like Fat Albert -- live vocals!

  • Svnw688

    Posts: 3350

    Mar 01, 2015 4:26 AM GMT
    AnOriginal saidDo I still sound like Fat Albert -- live vocals!



    I'm serious when I say this: I like it and it has potential. Your sound is very unique. While I think you need to work on your "flow" and cadence, I really do your voice. I still think you're articulating and enunciating a bit too strongly. You're not giving a Presidential speech, you're spittin' lyrics. You don't have to sound every syllable or word perfectly. Any native English speaker will 100% follow what you're saying. The mind can gap-fill remarkably well. So let it flow a bit more.

    The track you sampled is hot. I'd continue to work with it.

    Lyrics. This is your biggest issue. You need to write your own lyrics. I want to hear YOUR story. YOUR point of view. What YOU have to say.

    If you wrote your own lyrics, put to this track, and let it flow, you'd have a hot track on your hands. You're moving in the right direction. It isn't there yet, but keep it up man.
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    Mar 01, 2015 11:55 AM GMT
    Svnw688 said
    AnOriginal saidDo I still sound like Fat Albert -- live vocals!



    I'm serious when I say this: I like it and it has potential. Your sound is very unique. While I think you need to work on your "flow" and cadence, I really do your voice. I still think you're articulating and enunciating a bit too strongly. You're not giving a Presidential speech, you're spittin' lyrics. You don't have to sound every syllable or word perfectly. Any native English speaker will 100% follow what you're saying. The mind can gap-fill remarkably well. So let it flow a bit more.

    The track you sampled is hot. I'd continue to work with it.

    Lyrics. This is your biggest issue. You need to write your own lyrics. I want to hear YOUR story. YOUR point of view. What YOU have to say.

    If you wrote your own lyrics, put to this track, and let it flow, you'd have a hot track on your hands. You're moving in the right direction. It isn't there yet, but keep it up man.


    You're like my very own Real Jock Music Coach :-)

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    Your advice is definitely helpful ^_^ I'm going to keep working at the ***Flawless cover/lyrics/sound -- I grew up on Beyoncé and Destiny's Child.

    I feel like hip-hop music has the ability to create timeless songs. I enjoy some of Nas's songs on ILLMATIC -- it's supposedly one of the best hip-hop albums of all time. The story behind it, and the fact it gave Nas and his group of friends a healthy escape, shows the power of artistic expression. Nas's flow on the album was also crazy -- he SETS the tempo and is in his own zone.

    Being honest, I kind of feel the same way about ILLMATIC, as I do about older country music. I don't want to hear about a dog dying or the hardships anymore... I want music and words that elevate people in a different way; it's probably because that kind of struggle is not a part of my truth, but I can still respect and empathize with his story -- anyone walking this earth's surface understands pain.

    Recently, I've been inspired to start writing and maybe create a mix tape... Heck, if nothing comes out of it; I'm cool with that. It's just fun and better than watching TV, golf, or bowling (no offense to anyone who enjoys golf or bowling).

    I am also a Scorpio, and I fit the Scorpio's description to a "T" as well :-)

    Nice to "meet" you, and thank you again, for the constructive advice; I'm going to follow it.

    -Brent
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    Mar 01, 2015 12:17 PM GMT
    "(4). As a general matter, I think when you sing, and especially when you rap, you have artistic license to relax your enunciation and let the words flow into one another. You don't have to be so sharp and grammatically correct. Instead of "I am going to fix her" you can say "I'm gonna fix her" or "I'm-a fix her." See how you have artistic license to manipulate language and the audience WILL forgive you and WILL understand you if what you're expressing makes sense and you maintain your narrative. Stop articulating and enunciating so much, soften your edges, and it'll "flow" better I think."

    This sounds like what I will need to work on the most -- it's strange I don't like my normal voice. I think I enunciate -- so it doesn't sound like my "normal voice".