Advice on cheating. Is it normal? What should I do?

  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Feb 17, 2015 1:11 AM GMT
    Okay, so this summer I met a guy for a hookup, but we ended up really hitting it off. The next morning he messaged me telling me I can't have feelings for him because he lied to me and he's in a 3 year relationship with the guy he wants to spend the rest of his life with. He is much older than me (32) and I was 18 when I met him. He begged me to continue talking to him because he really enjoyed spending time with me. At first I said no and I flipped out because I was so hurt, because I really liked him. But after days of him persuading me I gave in. I asked him why he cheats if he loves his boyfriend and he told me that his boyfriend does not have sex with him and he hinted that his boyfriend had some emotional issues that prevented him from wanting or enjoying sex, he also says they have been through a lot together, but that he cheats because he never has sex. He also said his boyfriend knows that he does it, but he does not like to know about it, so basically its an open relationship as long as his boyfriend doesn't find out. He also said it's the only way he has been able to keep a stable relationship and that in their 3 years of dating he cheated once after 6 months, once again 6 months after that and again 2 years later... with me. His boyfriend is only 20, so he's young like me and that shows they started dating when he was 17. But anyway... months later and I'm in love with him. I promised myself I would not have sex with him again and I would just hangout with him and for a month or so I did but of course I have so much feelings for him that one thing led to another and we started being intimate again. I would fight with him a lot and we would not speak for awhile but one of us would always message the other and again we would see each other. For a long time I felt like I was just the jumpoff but it seems more intimate than that. He takes me on dates and he showed me his childhood home, school, the places he lived when he was in his early 20's, the parks he used to hangout at as a teenager. He talks to me during the week when I'm back at college just to see how I am. He never even asks for sex or makes the first move, he only does it if I request it. And also, he tells his coworkers about me and they have knowledge of our relationship as well as the fact he is already committed to someone else. He tells me he has strong feelings for me and he always keeps talking to me even when I get mad and I yell at him or stop talking to him. Maybe I am just the jumpoff, but to me it's way more intimate than that. I don't like sharing and I try so hard to get over him, but I really do love him and every time I think of the fact that I will never have him I feel an ache in my chest and I get sick at my stomach. So I guess my question is, is this type of instance common for gay couples? Do a lot of gay couples go out on each other every now and then in order to incorporate variety into a longterm relationship? And lastly, I know that I probably sound really weak and stupid for putting up with this, but he is the first guy I have ever loved and I don't know how else to end this. The longest I've went was 3 months without speaking to him, but I always go back. I'm not sure how to deal with it.
  • jo2hotbod

    Posts: 3603

    Feb 17, 2015 1:17 AM GMT
    Move on
  • Timbales

    Posts: 13993

    Feb 17, 2015 1:19 AM GMT
    It's a load of shit, he wants to have it all but he's unwilling to either make the relationship work honestly or move on.

    You deserve better.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Feb 17, 2015 1:35 AM GMT
    Ha
    Does anything he tells you make any sense?
    I mean when he's not showing you his amazing penis?

  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Feb 17, 2015 2:07 AM GMT
    Timbales saidIt's a load of shit, he wants to have it all but he's unwilling to either make the relationship work honestly or move on.

    You deserve better.


    I do agree with this very much, but moving on is easier said than done. I really love him, I've never even had a relationship in my life, so I'm not even sure how to go about distancing myself especially someone who I care about so much. I think about him every day and I dream about him too. As dramatic as it sounds it's all true.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Feb 17, 2015 3:01 AM GMT
    Advice on cheating. Is it normal? What should I do?

    In my view cheating is not "normal". In the sense that it should be acceptable.

    It may be more common in the gay community than the straight, I dunno. Lack of marriage vows (now changing in the US & elsewhere), lack of children, and other factors can all give some gay guys a license to cheat.

    But yah know, cheating is cheating. If you're with a guy, you're with a guy. THAT guy. I don't care what your legal status is, if you truly love a man you can't be tempted by others.

    If you ARE tempted and succumb, well, maybe you didn't love him so much.

    I realize I'm speaking simplistically here, but sometimes simplicity leads to clarity in understanding these relationship issues.

    The OP is being used, IMHO. He's run into a cheater. Who will likely continue to cheat. At 19 he's got lots of better options ahead of him. He should spend no more time going down this dead-end street.
  • Apparition

    Posts: 3516

    Feb 17, 2015 3:04 AM GMT
    you think YOU are the only one he is fucking and telling this story? who cheats and has sex twice a year? icon_rolleyes.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Feb 17, 2015 3:31 AM GMT
    maxim1126So I guess my question is, is this type of instance common for gay couples? Do a lot of gay couples go out on each other every now and then in order to incorporate variety into a longterm relationship? And lastly, I know that I probably sound really weak and stupid for putting up with this, but he is the first guy I have ever loved and I don't know how else to end this.


    I wanted to address this part because cheating is becoming more and more acceptable, however is it normal?. To me it's a sign of emotional immaturity/instability combined with a big ego. When you take your own emotions out of the equation and look at his ego, do you think he likes you for you, or are you just enough of a conquest or a challenge for him to keep you on a string?

    My advice: remove yourself from the situation. He will try and try, but you have to stand your ground. This is going to end up in nothing but more pain and heartache for you.

    I wish you the best. Gah, people suck sometimes.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Feb 17, 2015 3:35 AM GMT
    Runninchlt said
    maxim1126So I guess my question is, is this type of instance common for gay couples? Do a lot of gay couples go out on each other every now and then in order to incorporate variety into a longterm relationship? And lastly, I know that I probably sound really weak and stupid for putting up with this, but he is the first guy I have ever loved and I don't know how else to end this.


    I wanted to address this part because cheating is becoming more and more acceptable, however is it normal?. To me it's a sign of emotional immaturity/instability combined with a big ego. When you take your own emotions out of the equation and look at his ego, do you think he likes you for you, or are you just enough of a conquest or a challenge for him to keep you on a string?

    My advice: remove yourself from the situation. He will try and try, but you have to stand your ground. This is going to end up in nothing but more pain and heartache for you.

    I wish you the best. Gah, people suck sometimes.


    I 2nd this... cheating is becoming more and more acceptable in the gay community, because we're letting it become an excuse for immaturity and lack of self-restraint.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Feb 17, 2015 3:43 AM GMT
    Apparition saidyou think YOU are the only one he is fucking and telling this story? who cheats and has sex twice a year? icon_rolleyes.gif


    Before me I'm sure he cheated a lot, but now that he has someone (me), he doesn't have to go out and search for it. After I agreed to be his friend he deleted all his apps and I strongly believe I'm the only one, because we do frequently have sex.
  • Hypertrophile

    Posts: 1021

    Feb 17, 2015 2:36 PM GMT
    maxim1126 said
    Apparition saidyou think YOU are the only one he is fucking and telling this story? who cheats and has sex twice a year? icon_rolleyes.gif


    Before me I'm sure he cheated a lot, but now that he has someone (me), he doesn't have to go out and search for it. After I agreed to be his friend he deleted all his apps and I strongly believe I'm the only one, because we do frequently have sex.


    For now.

    Have you met his partner? Is he cool with this arrangement? If not, it sounds like all you are to this guy is a fuck buddy. If you're cool with that, fine, but having been in a similar situation I can say that you're probably not going to be the only one he's having sex with. If he's lying to his partner, he'll lie to you. He's willing to put his partners health at risk, if they are having sex at all, and he'll be willing to do the same to you. Even if the two of you have some sort of future, he's a liar and IMO that is a deadly flaw. Not to be harsh, but if I'm right about this then you should really look at yourself and why you're willing to submit to someone with such ethical issues.

    Then again, maybe I'm wrong. He did cop to it with you early which is a good sign. If he's also being honest with his partner about his relationship with you, and you can live by the same rules, i.e. you can trick with other guys too, then maybe you can make it work. I couldn't.

    In my situation, I wouldn't have minded if my boyfriend was simply out tricking when I wasn't around, as long as I knew about it. He was but lied to me about it. He ended up in a second relationship, lied to me about that too, and then bragged to his friends how evolved he was as a human being able to maintain two relationships. He ended up hurting us both, and lost quite a few friends in the process.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Feb 17, 2015 2:56 PM GMT
    maxim1126 said... but he is the first guy I have ever loved...
    this is preventing you from a relationship of your own.

    You should immediately end this. Easy to do along the lines tell the cheater "your a germ in my life that today i must let go of". You should either threaten or actually tell his boy friend he is cheating.

    "weak and stupid for putting up with this"
    Technically the OP is not the one cheating. To let this go on for any length of time just shows lack of self respect for everyone evolved.


  • NeuralShock

    Posts: 411

    Feb 17, 2015 9:20 PM GMT
    If you want to be with him then stay with him.

    However make it exceedingly clear if he cheats ONE MORE TIME you are gone- and REALLY LEAVE.

    You deserve better and the gay community as a whole is becoming too accepting of this- cheating isn't okay. It emotionally damages people and for fair reasons.

    I know I have a nearly zero tolerance policy on this- I may accept it once or maybe even twice if he was STELLAR... but three times? No, three times and we're done- that's it and there will be no more no matter what.

    Stand your ground and do not let yourself be a doormat.


    Furthermore I feel the need to say this: HE IS PUTTING YOUR AND HIS HEALTH AT RISK. I will dodge explaining the risks of STDs even WITH a condom but seriously he is also throwing your health into the dumpster.

    This is not acceptable relationship wise or health wise. It is a hazard.
  • Destinharbor

    Posts: 4433

    Feb 17, 2015 10:05 PM GMT
    I think it's possible that the situation is as he described. But if it is, the bottom line is he is creating a life for himself and his partner that works for them. And you are useful but replaceable. I strongly disagree with pellaz that under any circumstance should you tell his partner. Never. He isn't the cause of this and it sounds like he has his plate full of issues to deal with. This is between you and this guy. If you want to keep going, do. Just realize he will never be yours and you will never be #1 to him. That's no way to live.

    The way you do it is just do it. Doesn't have to be full of histrionics or in any way angry. Just tell him it can't work in the long run for you and you need to start living your life for you. Then stick to it.
  • TheBaise

    Posts: 362

    Feb 17, 2015 10:23 PM GMT
    If a guy isn't getting his rocks off at home, he'll look elsewhere to get his natural needs met. Nobody is cool with cheating / but you know / if your partner is having issues and leaving you cold and lonely at night / barely touching you / turning away and falling asleep / leaving you climbing the walls because his sex drive is very low / that is just a hell of a situation. You love each other / but you're starving for some man to man penetration and closeness. What else can you do but stray? If you love each other and you're in a sexless situation / and you don't want to split up / then everybody has to get on board with the deal of you getting some action on the side. Just be upfront about it with new guys / tell them you're just into a FB situation and deal honestly / and safely.

    My partner is a guy with low testosterone. Androgel and other products haven't helped. So / I get my kicks with others. We play together with a variety of third guys. My partner just observes while smoking a joint / watching me get fucked or watching me fucking someone. It's the way it is for us. It works.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Feb 18, 2015 9:46 AM GMT
    I have been with a number of couples who play together and a few times one of them would fall for me and keep trying to get together alone. It is really uncomfortable. I did give in twice and both times the guy just got more obsessed. When a guy in a relationship starts begging to cheat with you, run.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Feb 18, 2015 4:54 PM GMT
    Here's my unsolicited opinion:
    The guy is garbage. He lied to you in order to have sex and he cheated on his partner. The man is a pig.
    I don't know you, but once you found out he was with someone else you should have just told him to fuck off or not to call you until he was single and living alone. Otherwise, you are just as bad as he is, so you have no right to act like a victim in this situation.
    I've been on both sides of this situation. I've cheated on someone and I've been cheated on. When I was younger, I thought with my dick and didn't care about hurting someone who really loved me. Karma has a way of fucking you without lube, so when it was done to me I reaped what I had sown. Trust me, one day when you are really in love, you'll know how it feels to have your partner cheat. Good luck with that.
    Here's the thing, if you are with someone who doesn't love you or doesn't fulfill your needs, then just leave. Just freaking leave. It doesn't matter what is going on in the relationship, you don't have the right to fuck someone over. And, it doesn't matter what reasons the cheater gives you, he is a liar and a cheater in a relationship ... stay out of it.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Feb 21, 2015 11:09 PM GMT
    Once a cheater always a cheater. It is completely true. Find someone who treasures you and treats you with respect and kindness. Actually I think you might need to learn how to do that with your own self first.