Re-Introduction

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 18, 2015 10:47 PM GMT
    Hello,

    About a week ago, I made an account on here, because it looked like the most active gay forum I could find. I posted a couple of topics asking about the state of cheating/monogamy in the gay community and I was immediately bashed by "senior" (literally and figuratively) members who called me a slut-shamer. After browsing the other topics I noticed that the same issues I spoke of were brought up by other members and they were left alone and given legitimate responses. I was told I was fake, my account was fake, and the personal experiences I spoke of were fake. I was also made fun of by 2 separate members for having to see a sex therapist during my coming out, and also contemplating suicide during this time

    Just here to let y'all know I'm very real and I'm giving this site a second shot. My real name is Greg and I grew up in Nashville. Bachelor's degree in Psychology (lol, useless, right?) with minors in Sociology and Criminal Justice. Aspiring therapist myself but currently working for a medical company during insurance work. I'm also an open book if anyone wishes to question my credibility or my life experiences even more.

    Hope it is better this 2nd time around... Thanks for reading.

    P.S. if anyone wishes to chat feel free to message me
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 18, 2015 10:58 PM GMT
    Most guys here are really nice. But the ones that are mean are usually REALLY mean, which can drown out the nice guys (if you allow it to.)
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    Feb 18, 2015 10:59 PM GMT
    Radd saidMost guys here are really nice. But the ones that are mean are usually REALLY mean, which can drown out the nice guys (if you allow it to.)


    It seemed like a very intelligent and varied group of guys when I first got on here... and I was also surprised that the extremely bitter and mean ones seemed to be some of the older members. Maybe it will be different this time around.
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    Feb 18, 2015 11:00 PM GMT
    Welcome back, Greg! Hopefully second time will be the charm for you!

    Tom
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 19, 2015 12:13 AM GMT
    Could you post a hyperlink to the thread in question please.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 19, 2015 12:19 AM GMT
    Welcome Greg. My only advice is that you develop a thick skin quickly. Most of the members are cool but some of them will chew you up and spit you out, just for the fun of it. icon_smile.gif
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    Feb 19, 2015 12:23 AM GMT
    theantijock saidCould you post a hyperlink to the thread in question please.



    http://www.realjock.com/gayforums/4006459

    BTW. I do realize I could've worded my post better, and how it could come off as "slut-shaming" in a sense, however I WAS speaking true personal experiences and did not appreciate being called a liar, told I needed psychiatric help, and had my "suicidal tendencies" made fun of by the sarcastic posts by several members. From what I can see there have been many posts on these forums regarding "slut-shaming" and none received the backlash I did.

    I no longer have those negative thoughts so no one worry.. was just trying to give some backstory.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 19, 2015 12:29 AM GMT
    It seemed like a very intelligent and varied group of guys when I first got on here..

    Surprise, its not!! LOL.
    Don't worry about those who have all the answers… they rarely do..icon_rolleyes.gif
    I hope you are on your way to happiness.. icon_smile.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 19, 2015 12:32 AM GMT
    Thanks guys I know I just need thicker skin.. I was just caught off guard by the reactions I got to my very 1st post after making an account.
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    Feb 19, 2015 1:06 AM GMT
    welcome back. as others mentioned, don't let some folks get to you.

    on the flip side, don't expect that everyone is going to always agree with you. it's good to have differences of opinions on occasion.
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    Feb 19, 2015 1:36 AM GMT
    GMS1988 said...I was immediately bashed by "senior" (literally and figuratively) members ... I was also made fun of by 2 separate members for having to see a sex therapist during my coming out, and also contemplating suicide during this time


    GMS1988 said...the extremely bitter and mean ones seemed to be some of the older members. Maybe it will be different this time around.


    Please copy/paste (that's a rhetorical request) where anyone on that other thread made fun of your seeking counseling. Also please copy/paste all the many examples proving your point, if so, that "the extremely bitter...ones seemed to be some of the older members."

    I'm not certain that you're being very accurate in your descripting or maybe you've misperceived some possibly rough-around-the-edges advice you received.

    You've got potential to think shit out pretty well but also you've got some hindrances to break through and I detect particularly some judgmental issues, some exaggerating, some relaying memory to fit a form ie some indoctrination working there that you've incorporated into your belief system whether or not that fits realty.

    You don't seem seriously damaged by what I've read and you've got some complexity to your thinking that a real smart therapist can help you work to your advantage. If you did indeed describe your therapist correctly then the guy's an idiot, but, again, I'm not certain that you're relaying that memory of that session properly. If you are being accurate in that, then find someone better to help you.
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    Feb 19, 2015 2:13 AM GMT
    I'm not on here much these days, so I missed your earlier threads. But don't let a few bad experiences put you off. There are some great people here. Also some jerks, but that's true IRL too, yes?
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    Feb 19, 2015 2:28 AM GMT
    Haters gonna hate... And trollers gonna troll...

    I've seen many threads get hijacked and derailed when the trolls start trolling on eachother, and the OP's subject gets lost entirely.

    Welcome back, thanks for giving us another shot. We're not ALL assholes around here.
  • AMoonHawk

    Posts: 11406

    Feb 19, 2015 2:47 AM GMT
    Sorry you had a bad ... uh um ... first experience on RJ. There are some pretty cool people here ... me icon_biggrin.gif ... and there are some really catty ones, too. Take it all with a grain of salt. You say you're an 'Aspiring therapist' ... well ... you came to the right place icon_twisted.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 19, 2015 2:51 AM GMT
    Welcome (back), Greg! Yeah, what everyone else said. Plenty of nice guys here as well as some jerks.
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    Feb 19, 2015 4:08 AM GMT
    I read through your orIginal thread and it seems to Me that there was only one member that questioned (rather aggressively) your credibility.

    There are over 300,000 RJ Members. Not all will agree with you or get the gist of what are trying to convey -- and by your own admission, you may have been able to phrase things a bit better or more succinctly.

    This is an imperfect form of communication and sometimes things are simply lost in translation. And sometimes a Dude may just have a bad day and something you write just sets him off. It happens. It's no big deal.

    The vast majority of RJ Guys are very cool and there are loads of possibilities here. Sometimes a proverbial grain of salt can go a long way tho....

    Glad you have returned! Welcome back and stick around, I assure you it will be worth the experience!!!

    icon_cool.gificon_cool.gificon_cool.gif
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    Feb 19, 2015 4:29 AM GMT
    theantijock said
    GMS1988 said...I was immediately bashed by "senior" (literally and figuratively) members ... I was also made fun of by 2 separate members for having to see a sex therapist during my coming out, and also contemplating suicide during this time


    GMS1988 said...the extremely bitter and mean ones seemed to be some of the older members. Maybe it will be different this time around.


    Please copy/paste (that's a rhetorical request) where anyone on that other thread made fun of your seeking counseling. Also please copy/paste all the many examples proving your point, if so, that "the extremely bitter...ones seemed to be some of the older members."

    I'm not certain that you're being very accurate in your descripting or maybe you've misperceived some possibly rough-around-the-edges advice you received.

    You've got potential to think shit out pretty well but also you've got some hindrances to break through and I detect particularly some judgmental issues, some exaggerating, some relaying memory to fit a form ie some indoctrination working there that you've incorporated into your belief system whether or not that fits realty.

    You don't seem seriously damaged by what I've read and you've got some complexity to your thinking that a real smart therapist can help you work to your advantage. If you did indeed describe your therapist correctly then the guy's an idiot, but, again, I'm not certain that you're relaying that memory of that session properly. If you are being accurate in that, then find someone better to help you.


    I was specifically referring to 2 members in that thread who made the comments I described. With all due respect one blatantly said I was lying and making up my entire experiences. I know their ages because I looked at their pictures and their profile.

    I wish I was remembering incorrectly, but the sole reason I remember what he said is because it shocked me coming from a professional such as him, which is why it's stuck with me through all these years.

    Yes I may have been a little oversensitive, but it was insulting to be attacked on my very first post and called a liar. And I don't feel I need further therapy.. I got what I needed from my 5 or so sessions with the one I described. I was actually seeing him to come to terms with coming out to my family and friends..the subject of monogamy was an offhand conversation we had.
  • SilverRRCloud

    Posts: 871

    Feb 19, 2015 4:52 AM GMT
    This:

    "The most terrifying fact about the universe is not that it is hostile but that it is indifferent..."

    Stanley Kubrick

    ---
    Do yourself a huge favor, and embrace this!

    SC
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    Feb 19, 2015 5:29 AM GMT
    GMS1988 said

    I was specifically referring to 2 members in that thread who made the comments I described. With all due respect one blatantly said I was lying and making up my entire experiences. I know their ages because I looked at their pictures and their profile.

    I wish I was remembering incorrectly, but the sole reason I remember what he said is because it shocked me coming from a professional such as him, which is why it's stuck with me through all these years.

    Yes I may have been a little oversensitive, but it was insulting to be attacked on my very first post and called a liar. And I don't feel I need further therapy.. I got what I needed from my 5 or so sessions with the one I described. I was actually seeing him to come to terms with coming out to my family and friends..the subject of monogamy was an offhand conversation we had.


    I had perused some of your other thread and thank you for hyperlinking that. The sometimes harsh dustin is often actually quite funny and as to the oft rough and tumble destin, it seemed to me that mostly he got pissed that you wound up with such bad info from a profession charged with helping not hurting. And then that you didn't put the guy in his place or leave him right then and there--but certainly understandable even at your age or as I think you now indicate younger, and often people go to therapy initially when in crisis anyway (well, except for my family who engages the profession for sport and entertainment value) -- is what I think mostly got destin riled up. Yeah, it sure did look like he was coming down on you but I think really he was coming down on the situation. You just happened to be there.

    But also I think he picked up on some aspects of you that I mentioned in my prior post. I saw immediately on reading you what he sees. That's not our age: I'd have seen the same thing back when I was a kid. It's real obvious. I use the term but it's not really even something we've picked up on; you display it. So I think he is correct that you'd benefit from therapy. Certainly your future clients would benefit more so should you, than would you rely on your mere five sessions.

    There's nothing wrong with being overly-sensitive as long as you can deal with it or better still allow it to work for you. May the butthurt be with you.
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    Feb 20, 2015 5:15 PM GMT
    Welcome back mate , i really hope you are staying for good .
    I did enjoy reading your threads .
  • Destinharbor

    Posts: 4433

    Feb 20, 2015 9:36 PM GMT
    Well, you know, you did spend about ten paragraphs saying every gay guy who doesn't think as you do is a whore. And that your experience with gay guys is that they are whores. And that it was this experience with the gay community sent you to a psychiatrist. And that your shrink also agrees that all gay guys are whores. Yeah. I had objections. If you want to be a shrink yourself, you'd better learn to think before you type.
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    Feb 21, 2015 3:48 AM GMT
    Destinharbor said And that your experience with gay guys is that they are whores. ... Yeah. I had objections.



    Most gay men, like most human beings, seek fulfillment in loving and being loved.
    Others - let's face it - seek only to sleep around. They are by no means the majority. But they exist in numbers large enough that all of us have met them. And met them often enough that at times gay life can seem like passing through a series of sexual turnstiles.
    This is not to make any moral judgments, just pointing out the obvious.
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    Feb 21, 2015 4:50 PM GMT
    TexDef07 said
    Destinharbor said And that your experience with gay guys is that they are whores. ... Yeah. I had objections.


    Most gay men, like most human beings, seek fulfillment in loving and being loved.
    Others - let's face it - seek only to sleep around. They are by no means the majority. But they exist in numbers large enough that all of us have met them. And met them often enough that at times gay life can seem like passing through a series of sexual turnstiles.
    This is not to make any moral judgments, just pointing out the obvious.


    How is that not a moral judgment even if a guy prefers sleeping around without committing -- to suggest him incapable or unwanting of finding "fulfillment in loving and being loved" (as if sex were the only expression of love: it is not) -- never mind that not being monogamous is not synonymous with being noncommittal. So that's the absolute bullshit of that type of thinking and what Destin called out is that this guy sort of kind of exactly exemplifies that kind of thinking in spades.

    I just reread his post in that other thread which seems to have set this off. Let's review:

    Hurley226 said...monogamy does not really exist in the gay community; that cheating is expected. I've actually found this to be true...

    "open relationships," ... to me ... was just a lack of self-control and a lack of commitment in disguise.

    ...not being able to commit.

    ... both parties agree that cheating is ok in the relationship. Again, seems like an excuse for a lack of self-control and not wanting to get out of the whore phase.

    ... It just seems like the gay guys who are always sleeping around try to justify it by saying it's "the norm" in the gay community and should be expected. In my PERSONAL opinion.. I really have never had a hard time staying committed to someone I was with. Yeah I looked at porn and I looked at other guys in public, but I never once cheated nor did I really want to. Then again, I grew up with very accepting parents who taught me respect, monogamy, and commitment, all the while accepting my sexuality (when I came out at 19) and showing me lots of love. This makes me wonder if poor upbringings are responsible for men wanting to lie to their partners, have copious amounts of extra-"marital" sex, and if there are some sort of maladjustment issues going on that's keeping certain people from emotionally "growing up."

    I have at certain points over the past few years, even contemplated ending it all, because... I have found NO ONE ... monogamous...

    ...we are the smartest creatures on this planet and have the capability to have self-restraint, and I'm honestly tired of my gay friends and community making excuses for their lack thereof...


    Yikes fucking yikes.

    The guy considers suicide because he can't find someone monogamous? That doesn't indicate a problem? Does anyone seriously think five sessions fixed that? Yikes!
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    Feb 21, 2015 5:14 PM GMT
    theantijock said
    TexDef07 said
    Destinharbor said And that your experience with gay guys is that they are whores. ... Yeah. I had objections.


    Most gay men, like most human beings, seek fulfillment in loving and being loved.
    Others - let's face it - seek only to sleep around. They are by no means the majority. But they exist in numbers large enough that all of us have met them. And met them often enough that at times gay life can seem like passing through a series of sexual turnstiles.
    This is not to make any moral judgments, just pointing out the obvious.


    How is that not a moral judgment even if a guy prefers sleeping around without committing -- to suggest him incapable or unwanting of finding "fulfillment in loving and being loved" (as if sex were the only expression of love: it is not) -- never mind that not being monogamous is not synonymous with being noncommittal. So that's the absolute bullshit of that type of thinking and what Destin called out is that this guy sort of kind of exactly exemplifies that kind of thinking in spades.

    I just reread his post in that other thread which seems to have set this off. Let's review:

    Hurley226 said...monogamy does not really exist in the gay community; that cheating is expected. I've actually found this to be true...

    "open relationships," ... to me ... was just a lack of self-control and a lack of commitment in disguise.

    ...not being able to commit.

    ... both parties agree that cheating is ok in the relationship. Again, seems like an excuse for a lack of self-control and not wanting to get out of the whore phase.

    ... It just seems like the gay guys who are always sleeping around try to justify it by saying it's "the norm" in the gay community and should be expected. In my PERSONAL opinion.. I really have never had a hard time staying committed to someone I was with. Yeah I looked at porn and I looked at other guys in public, but I never once cheated nor did I really want to. Then again, I grew up with very accepting parents who taught me respect, monogamy, and commitment, all the while accepting my sexuality (when I came out at 19) and showing me lots of love. This makes me wonder if poor upbringings are responsible for men wanting to lie to their partners, have copious amounts of extra-"marital" sex, and if there are some sort of maladjustment issues going on that's keeping certain people from emotionally "growing up."

    I have at certain points over the past few years, even contemplated ending it all, because... I have found NO ONE ... monogamous...

    ...we are the smartest creatures on this planet and have the capability to have self-restraint, and I'm honestly tired of my gay friends and community making excuses for their lack thereof...


    Yikes fucking yikes.

    The guy considers suicide because he can't find someone monogamous? That doesn't indicate a problem? Does anyone seriously think five sessions fixed that? Yikes!


    If I understood correctly, it was his then-perception of a Lifetime of unfulfillment and ultimate loneliness that gave him such strong feelings of hopelessness.

    I doubt anyone is actually suicidal over not finding a Boyfriend. That usually doesn't happen until one has too many or can't get rid of one...
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    Feb 21, 2015 7:40 PM GMT
    Cash said
    If I understood correctly, it was his then-perception of a Lifetime of unfulfillment and ultimate loneliness that gave him such strong feelings of hopelessness.

    I doubt anyone is actually suicidal over not finding a Boyfriend. That usually doesn't happen until one has too many or can't get rid of one...


    Replied the guy who's treated me like shit in the past from pretty much our first encounter (2nd encounter I think it was), who later sided with a guy who was trying to abuse me and in doing so lied yourself about me in saying the guy wasn't interested and that the abuse was, what, my imagination? only to finally figure out after the fact (or was that fiction too?) for yourself the guy's nature when he did to you pretty much what he'd done to me--only you got off light (I'll just bet that was fun for ya).

    Not sure what kind of hair you are trying to split here as you haven't left much room between us for me to trust you, nor why you are even engaging me or even just my post but I'll break my own rule and give this a third attempt.

    He said what he did in epitomizing a persistent pattern he plays. Look at everything else he said and add that up. So while that likely did derive as you note from his then short lifetime of how he consciously and unconsciously, by will or by deceit or any combination of seeing or being fooled, of instead of exploring fresh of reapplying old indoctrination to new situations, to how he experienced his experiences, it arrived at precisely this point now, that this is how he would sum up his experience then.

    He's still there. Those five sessions weren't enough. Destin's take on this was correct. And frankly even that idea you propose of how he came to his loneliness, while on the surface might appear so, there would be underlying mechanisms inclining him towards that lack of fulfillment even if being unfulfilled lead to loneliness which lead to hopelessness. We know this easily because lots of people find fulfillment in their own lives. So he set himself up for that. And that's something therapy can help him figure out.